Somerville's Stuffed Animals Have Gained Sentience, According to Mr. Hansen Who Claims He's Not Crazy

Mr. Somerville has 3 stuffed animals in his classroom, a giant spider, ALF, and a sloth. September 16th, school cameras caught what appeared to be Mr. Hansen yelling at them to stop walking around the school during school hours.

Mr. Hansen, 6th grade social studies teacher, doubles as the night-time security guard. He was chosen for this job because of his yoked lats and his experience in war (the Toyota wars of 1980, in Africa). He took on this responsibility four years ago after the previous night guard, Ms.Trunchbull retired for the olympics. He has denied all accusations of this job, however the security cameras have caught him singing “Life is a Highway” many times while using his flashlight like a microphone.

Mr. Hansen’s time on watch has not come without controversy. On October 17th he was caught yelling at Mr. Somerville’s stuffed sloth, Alf and spider. “When we saw this we honestly thought we were the crazy ones. I mean he is the most disciplined person in the school and to see him singing “Eye of The Tiger” and using his flashlight like a katana was just plain weird. "Teachers absolutely should not be singing, at least not out loud,” said colleague Mrs. McGaffey. One rumor that has been circulating is that he got into the nurses secret stash of medicine, which caused hallucinations. However most teachers, who all adamantly denied the existence of said stash, agree that he has finally cracked.

The Shallot’s investigators have interviewed the school nurse, Mrs. Katelin,who called the suggestion of the stash a hoax, and is trying to get a hold of a psychiatrist to examine Mr. Hansen’s sanity. If there are any new updates to this situation the Shallot will be sure to let you know.