School Closures: Are Low Birth Rates the Reason Why?

This week at the board meeting we were informed about the reasons why our beloved schools are closing. The demonographer dude presented the idea that the lowering of birth rates has caused a reduction in attendance. Is that really the true reason why they are plotting against us and our schools? The Shallot is continuously working to figure out why they are attacking us, here is the info we have so far.

The demonographer man was last seen presenting the “facts'' on why they are choosing to close our schools. The so-called “facts'' have contributed to many conspiracy theories. For example, it had been said that one of the only reasons why the Chinese government sent their spy balloons is that they are working with the Deemagropher guy to gather “information” on the “conditions” of the schools. There are only a few conspiracy theories being told but there are many many more.

There are also suspicions against the demonographer , saying that he is the reason why we’re closing schools. Him being half bald, wearing fancy flannels all the time and even wearing a pocket protector. There are speculations saying that he has something against nerds (the Challenge program). This one though is extremely unlikely because he himself is a nerd and he knows it.

The idea that the low-birth rates are the reason surprises so many people. We right now are pretty much just beginning a baby boom era. There are so many babies around the area that we could think that they are coming to take over, first, Colorado, then the world. So why are low-brith rates the reason? the Shallot says it’s because board members are now working for the Chinese government. They are clumping kids in the schools so then they don’t have to do as much work when they spy on us. Too many schools = too much money on spy equipment. So the Chinese government is choosing to blame the fact that there aren’t as many babies as before.

We walked around the halls of East to get reactions to this theory that birth rates are the cause of the school closure, but generally the only response we received was, "that sounds gross."