From Cheetah to Creature: the Shallot Guide for Transplanted Middle Schoolers 

As a departing 6th and 7th grader, you have to be thinking: ‘What am I supposed to do when I’m leaving the clearly superior school?’ 

“When I leave this superior school, am I going to West?” Well, if you’re going to West Middle School, you have to know a few things: One, they’re just a knockoff of our school. Everything is so opposite that you’ll even wake up on the opposite side of the bed when you go there. To further confuse matters, if you see Mr. Hansen you'd be likely to think you're close to a Social Studies classroom, but at West Middle School that will in fact mean that you're in the Gym. Mr. Hansen has chosen to give up dat classroom life to fully commit to his true passion of wrecking adolescents in meaningless sports. Secondly they’re mascot is clearly inferior to ours. I mean, a wolverine? Come on now, we’re faster, stronger, and have actual morals. Everyone knows Wolverines don’t care, and the only reason anyone even likes them is because they were once portrayed by Hugh Jackman. But he’s not even hot anymore. And finally the skatepark. Whereas East Middle School has a lovely park with grass, shade trees, dogs, and innocent children playing, West has a skatepark full of Freshmen ditching school and trying so hard to turn your kids emo. Which brings us to Mr. Carei and Dr. Flohr, keep an eye out for those two as they have been sent there to spy on you. 

Well, ‘What if I am going to a private or a charter school, like Independence, Caprock, or Ascent?’ First of all, when you go to Ascent, where are you ascending to? The Moon? NERDS! Now if you’re going to Caprock you better prepare your socks, for the dress code states you can’t wear socks that aren’t white. Secondly, for Caprock you either have to have a hair tie that's the color of your hair or black. Lastly, if you’re going to Independence Academy, are you going to turn into a mad scientist. They are so into STEM you might be turning rodents into sidekicks. But at least you’ll have friends when you get there, so you have that going for you. 

Say you go to Redlands, you need to follow a different dress code. The dress code is you must have one Gucci backpack, a few pairs of Nike socks, two pairs of polo shorts and/or shirts, one gold chain, and maybe a pair of crocs, just for kicks. You have to make sure your eyebrows are perfectly combed. NO UNIBROWS! And obviously keep an eye out for Redlands Kid. He basically matches the description given above, and getting too close to him will leave you smelling like Axe Body Spray. If you do go here, also keep an eye out for Mr. Bolotin will be doing the sciences. He just went so he could get back at the Shallot for all of the savage articles written about him. That’s right, Bolotin is now Redlands Man.

If you go to Orchard Mesa Middle School, you need to know that the school tours are just you chasing after a kid who is quickly explaining where every class is and what the teacher teaches. And the mascot is a knight. What are they trying to protect? The cockroaches from getting into the school? NERDS! What about all the windows? Like, what are they trying to watch for, the cockroaches? What are they so scared of? The cockroaches?

At Bookcliff middle school, everyone drives a Mustang. Not nice Mustangs, this isn’t Redlands. These are old icky 80’s Mustangs. At Bookliff, all of the hallways look the same. Red tiles on all the hallways and green lockers. If you find yourself lost, just listen for the lonesome moans of Mr. Roenicke. He’ll be spending his first year at Bookcliff looking for coffee. While he probably won’t be able to help you find your class, at least you two won’t be lonely anymore. 

Even though we’re all finding our ways to new schools, take heart that most of us will only be apart for a year or two. Soon we'll be reunited at the construction zone known as Grand Junction High School.