Mr. Carei May Actually Be Iconic Harry Potter Character Albus Dumbledore Gone Rogue

Scientists at ✨Yasssssiva!!✨ University in New York have recently shared evidence that may prove the death of Dumbledore was a hoax and that he is actually suffering from a deadly degenerative disease. Earlier in the year a student at ✨Yassssssiva!!!✨ University, Laquisha Smythe, found what looked to be locks of silver hair inside of one of the dinosaur skeletons' leg wounds. This obviously confused her and she went looking for her mentor Mr. Gil.

After she made contact with Gil in the Sydney Opera house, after one ‘Dig-Punk’s’ concerts; they caught a plane back to Kooskooskie, Washington and started doing tests on the hair, and what they found shocked them. “I can’t believe my colleague, Bryan Carei, is Albus Percival Wulfric ✨Bryan✨ Dumbledore. I mean seriously he doesn’t look a day over 200 years old.” says Gil. After this surprising turn of events they called upon Mrs. Clark to question (and judge) him.

Mrs. Clark came to the conclusion that he had a very striking resemblance to Lord Farquad and that he was lying about his identity. She also noticed some slurred speech and memory loss. She then used her big brain powers to figure out that he had Lewy-body Dementia, a disease associated with abnormal deposits of a protein called alpha-synuclein in the brain. These deposits, known as Lewy Bodies, can cause cognitive, physical, and behavioral deficits, these being associated with dementia.

Mr. Hansen’s psychiatrist, Dr. Sovaros, was asked to make an official diagnosis and agreed with Mrs.Clark. Mr.Hansen has also been diagnosed with this degenerative disorder, and this is worrying the other staff. Bryan Carei/Albus Dumbledore has decided to completely ignore all of this and is going on with his sad, lonesome, wrinkled and crinkled life as if nothing is wrong.

If you see him staring off into space or muttering gibberish to himself don’t be scared, this is just his slipping mental state. His soon-to-be insanity could also explain why he chose to hide his identity; he didn’t want to lose his reputation as one of the smartest people in the LGBTQ+ wizarding community and so decided to fake his own death. Severus Snape used a green firework charm and Dumbledore had an extra wand on him, which he used to slow his fall. He then transfigured a tree root to look exactly like him and then disappeared into the forbidden forest where he met his correspondent Voldemort(?) and set off to North America disguising himself via the Polyjuice potion and Transfiguration.

On his way he many interesting people such as Uncle Sam(he does indeed exist), Spiderman(Mr. Jackson), The neanderthal guy from “Night at the Museum”(Mr. Hansen), some Scottish dude(Mr. Somerville), a grape he left in the Sahara desert(Mrs. Williams), etc. He finally came to rest in Grand Junction, Colorado, where he decided to begin a new teaching career as a social studies teacher. According to both Gil and Smythe, “Although he has dementia he is not currently known to be dangerous and with the progression of the disease he will soon go into a vegetative state and will be harmless and brain-dead.” We here at the Shallot will be sure to keep you Queens occupied with other juicy stories (like Mr. Clark’s 70’s wig collection?!). ✨SLAY✨