Stanfield's Globe Might be Holding Soviet Leader from Cold Confines of Death.

Hidden in the dusty corner between bad art and ungraded homework, is Stanfields archaic globe. While it smells like a 6th grade gym class, the “teacher” has not been quick to remove the globe. Its dusty frame and crumpled shell give it the appearance of a smashed hedgehog in an asbestos mine. It depicts a complete map of the Soviet Union, stretching from Eastern Asia to Germany, but now a question has arisen. Could this globe be the final horcrux for Joesph Stalin? Many things are beginning to point to this conclusion. The occasional Russian cries for life from the hallway could point to a horcrux, but this could be explained by the nearby boys’ bathroom. The most damning piece of evidence, however, is the deafeningly loud Soviet anthem that plays whenever Stanfield starts to talk about NATO, or when any western country is described as anything other than poor and weak. In order to get to the bottom of this issue, we decided to interview the man himself. Upon questioning, he reportedly stated, “you better not waste your time, because if you publish that article you soon won’t have time to waste.” However, after Shallot reporters gave a subtle bribe of 500 Stanfield dollars (equivalent of $4 Billion Rubles), Mr. Stanfield opened up a little more. “I promise the globe is totally, definitely not holding Joseph Stalin from the cold confines of death.” He was quick to state, however, that any person who attempted to destroy or investigate the globe would have “their bank accounts emptied and all assets removed.” The Kremlin denied the request for an interview.