Shallot Guide for Departing 8th Graders

Eighth graders at East Middle School are preparing for their departure to high school by learning how to tie their shoes and to spell their names. Sadly, the truth is slowly settling in on the students that everyone is splitting up. Some are going to Palisade, the perfect school. Central on the other hand, well we will get to that later. Then there's Grand Junction, with the roof caving in, rats in every room, uranium in the soil, students gone wild. Will there ever be a new school? And lastly, Fruita Monument, Grand Junction's rival and arch-nemesis.

Students going to Palisade know that it's the right choice, that’s why they’re there. With the brand spanking new 30 -year-old school, the freshly waxed floors throughout the hallways, students walk silently, in a single file line headed to their classes. If you have ever walked through those glorious hallways, you would know that every student is dressed in freshly ironed jeans and polo shirts sporting the school colors of maroon and white. Not to mention the shiny black penny loafers that everyone sports. No one is ever hungry, because the cafeteria serves 5-star 3 course meals everyday such as Saffron and Sushi. It has recently been reported that students start lining outside the school at four in the morning, even though school starts at 8, because no one wants to risk being late. When you walk into the building you will immediately find out how good your friends’ dads were at football. In addition to Football, students focus their time in French class where they don’t just learn how to speak French, they are immersed in French Culture. Classrooms have been converted into French Cafes where students are seen eating baguettes and sipping on sparkling grape juice as they dream about universal health care and a free college education.

Central High School is going through an identity crisis due to their new mascot. Students ask themselves everyday, “Who am I really? What am I here for?” The line for the counselor’s office wraps around the building. The true meaning of STEM has recently been revealed to stand for “Someone Took Elmo’s Money,” students have always believed this and can’t continue on without understanding what it truly means. “I can’t fit everyone in!” Counselors struggle to help everyone as they all go through an identity crisis together. Teachers start to have therapeutic conversations during class discussing the new mascot, and Elmo. After these sessions, we start to find out about the lack of feelings that Central students have, but that could just be the water. It has recently been thought that the Mascot was changed from a warrior to a shield in order to join a local Militia. Now, students can’t help but wonder who they are preparing to fight, and if instead of teaching Math and Biology, teachers will begin to teach Kung-Fu and Ju-jitzu. However, this may come in handy when Grand Junction gets a new school, as Central Students and Teachers alike are dreading being labeled as the ‘new old school.’ A label that was previously given to GJHS.

Grand Junction High School is rapidly collecting students after the announcement of the new school. However, parents were extremely concerned about how the building is doing now, and will the new buildings actually be built. During the Tiger tours, they noticed rats scurrying around the classrooms, the ceiling panels falling in pieces and the floors giving way beneath their feet. Due to these concerns, parents have been reluctant to send their children to Junction. Another reason why parents are reluctant to send their precious children to GJHS is that uranium is known to be in the foundation. There have been recent reports of students showing up at school glowing a neon green so bright that the students have been used in place of the old-dim classroom lighting. If you were to walk into a classroom at GJHS, you would find 3-4 glowing kids hanging by their toes from the ceiling, helping to illuminate the dark classroom.

Fruita Monument is known for its sports. Or at least how good the students were when they were in middle school. In fact during the school day, students can be seen walking around dribbling basketballs or clutching footballs. The undying love that this school has for its sports has caused a long-term rivalry with Grand Junction High School. This rivalry has only gotten worse as the years pass. Recently, GJHS was seen toilet-papering Fruita Monument, and as pay-back Fruita hid rubber ducks in all of the students' lockers. Trying to keep up with Grand Junction’s collection of State Championship and Golden Helmet trophies, Fruita has been giving a try-hard attempt at trying to be more like the Tigers, but it's not looking too hot for them. After years of dominating the middle school level, Fruita Monument students just stop winning, and departing East students are looking forward to the glorious moment when the Redlands Middle School kids stop being so good at sports. In a recent interview with a Sophomore at Fruita Monument, it was declared that, “on the bright side, we can beat the Delta Football Team without even blinking.” In addition to this, Fruita is the only school in the valley where you can spot a Tesla or Lamborghini parked next to a horse trailer.

No matter where the East Middle School 8th graders go, it is clear that the expectations for high school will not meet reality. Students are excited about using their phones in class and having 10 minute passing periods. Many dream that the upperclassmen will fall in love with them when they walk through the door. Are they really ready for losing their identity, try-hard sports, glowing peers, and French culture?