New Endemic Focused on Dreamy Jon Azbell

The new school wide problem is an 8th grade student named Jon Azbell or as everyone is calling him “Dreamy Jon Azbell.” Almost as if he was Harry Styles, everyone LOVES him to the point where they have forgotten how to read. Here at the Shallot we have named this endemic “Covid-JA” as it affects students in a way never seen and makes students forget how to complete basic grade level tasks. The principal has had to keep people off the campus so they can’t get to Dreamy Jon. We asked Mr.Dreamy how he felt about this, “I’m down with it,” he said.

Speculation has begun in regards to the mysterious passing of Mr. Roenicke weeks ago. Could the effects of Covid-JA be life threatening? What effect will it have on our all important test scores as we finish out the school year? Shallot investigators have been able to successfully intercept correspondence between adoring fans and Dream Jon, and every indication is that madness is about to ensue. One discovered note paid particular attention to his “luscious blonde hair.” Another described his blue eyes as “sapphires found in the jungle of South America that only have the ability to see me.”

We at the Shallot are more than disappointed that these letters didn’t pay more respect to the brilliant ponderings of Dreamy Jon. “He’s a person you know? He has real thoughts about stuff,” said Talen Hoffman, resident MC, entrepeneur, and philanthropist.