Mr. Roenicke vs. Impossible Hot Wings

As most 8th graders at East know, a recent showdown between words and history; a battle of the taste buds between Social Studies teacher Bryan Carei and English teacher Patrick Roenicke. The gauntlet, an intense progression of impossible chicken nuggets lathered in good intentions, smug pretense, and hot sauce, paired with the intense questions we all want to know.

First, a mild round of Classic Hot Ones hot sauce. Both teachers blinked. No reaction. Questions ensued. The next few wings brought no response of pain from either teacher, but after 5 rounds, the heat began to build up. Tears welled up in Roenicke’s eyes, and coughs emanated from his lungs. Carei didn't blink. Roenicke was reevaluating his life choices while Carei was wishing for seconds. When asked his favorite music genre, East coast rap was an easy answer. “Fight the power” Roenicke said in a pained Flava Flav voice, as the capsaicin weakened his system. The kids had a difficult time understanding the sheer dopeness of the teacher, because he had turned beet red and was wilting like Tom Cruise in the Last Samurai.

The pieces of tasteless fake chicken only got hotter. Finally, the last round of dat heat came to the table. The Last Dab Apollo, two and a half million scoville heat units, provides a sensation so hot that a cheery Mr. Carei remarked, “The Last Dab has an immediate kick followed by an everlasting burn. Its flavor is excellent because it isn't too vinegary and does not overpower what you are trying to taste. It's well worth its price because it takes just a dab to heat things up! Enjoy!!! I know I am!” Roenicke lifted the nugget to his lips. The red hot sauce on top smoked as it bridged the gap between the table and Roenicke’s mouth. As he placed the hot sauce on his tongue, he felt a pain so great that worlds split inside his brain. Sparks flew from his ears and waterfalls flowed from his eyes like a scene from The Green Mile. His old timey Malcolm X glasses conducted so much heat that he had to take them off. Holding back the overwhelming urge to throw up, he swallowed. Mr. Carei wiped his mouth and licked his lips, enjoying the taste of pure spice. Roenicke left the cafeteria, stumbling towards the water bottle in his classroom. Carei walked calmly towards his classroom, and taught the next class. Mr. Carei is reported as saying, “I don’t see what the fuss is about. The Carolina Reaper and the Pepper X make a wonderful blend of flavors in your mouth. I loved that!” After the event, Roenicke lost most brain functioning abilities for about an hour, but no long term health effects have been reported.