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SCIENTISTS CREATE BANANA DACHSHUND
SCIENTISTS CREATE BANANA DACHSHUND
By AJ Wade, 7th grade editor
As of 4/18/26, a lab report from the Genetic Modification Lab (G.M.L.) was accidentally released online, stating a genetic modification had made a living banana.
Weiner dogs; they look like hot dogs, and are long like bananas. Well, G.M.L. took these analogies to real life and made the "Musa Dachshund"* The Musa, for short, has a bodily shape of a banana's skin, with the stem being the Musa's tail. The stem appears to be waggable like a normal dog tail.
Near the head of the Musa, the banana skin is peeled, as if you were peeling a banana. The head is the actual banana itself, with eyes just being normal. X-rays have been taken on the Musa; it appears that the bones are normal, as if it were a normal dog.
The Musa Dachshund has been bred in the lab since the breed was actually created 2 weeks prior. As it turns out, the Musa can reproduce very fast, so G.M.L. has released the Musa in pet stores, stating, "We don't see any point in denying that the Musa exists; the evidence is online for everyone to see."
*Musa is the scientific name for bananas.
How to take care of your Pet Rock: Through the Teenage Years
How to take care of your Pet Rock: Through the Teenage Years
Written by Arts and Entertainment Reporter: Reagan Coombs
This is a story about your pet rock as it begins to grow. If you've made it this far with them, then congrats! 99.9% of people don't make it past the first month with their pet rock due to their severe lays potato chips disease. And that's where we'll start...
ENSURING YOUR ROCKS HEALTH
When it comes to your rock's health, there's no room for error. Doctor visits every week are crucial due to your rock's lay potato chips disease. Some are more severe than others, which is why you need to see your doctor every week to get a prescription, depending on whether your rock's disease worsens or gets better. A common mistake of a new parent to a teenage rock is to let the teenage rock feed themselves their own prescription. WRONG! Do not do that. Because let's be honest, teenagers aren't very responsible. Because of this, your rock may forget to take their pills, and their hearts might just fail a tiny bit. The proper thing to do is to feed them their daily medication yourself! This can ensure your rock's health.
CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE NOW HELPED YOUR ROCK!
TAKING YOUR ROCK TO SCHOOL
School is a complicated process, and like any good parent, you probably feel a mix of emotions such as pride, sadness, and most importantly, concern. And you have every reason to be. Your rock may feel the same way. But your rock will go through a lot there and have lots of feelings and experiences, such as being bullied, failing tests, making friends, and possibly having love for another rock. The common mistake of a new parent is to embarrass their rock. WRONG! Do not do that. This can lead to humiliation of your person and minor depression. Instead, simply ask your rock how school was!
CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE NOW GOT YOUR ROCK THROUGH SCHOOL!
YOUR ROCK MAKING FRIENDS :)
When it comes to your rock making friends, it can be cute, quirky, and funny. But sometimes it's best to know their friends just in case, if you know what I mean. The common mistake of a new parent is to assume their kid's friend is normal. WRONG! Do not do that. This is because sometimes the friend is weird kind of insecure. And even sometimes it's a girlfriend, and things can get out of hand sometimes. The proper thing is to check in on your rock and their activities with their friends.
CONGRATULATIONS YOUR ROCK HAS FRIENDS!
WASHING YOUR ROCK
If you remember, previously on "How to take care of your pet rock," It talked about how you shouldn't put water in your rocks enclosure because all your rock would do is sink and drowning isn't very pleasant. Eventually, your rock will get smelly, and they need a bath without sinking. The common mistake of a new parent is to just give them a floaty or to let them bathe themselves. WRONG! Do not do that because all your rock will do is roll over by accident, and that will lead to drowning a tiny bit. The proper thing to do is to give your rock a towel and a shower cap and let it do its business in a shower instead of a bath.
CONGRATS, YOUR ROCK IS CLEAN!
NICE ONE, YOUR ROCK WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THE TEENAGE YEARS!
The Mirror
The Mirror
by: Kadia Mininger, 8th grade Features editor
Natalie sat in the living room, ice cream in hand listening to the radio static. Ever since Evan broke up with her, strange things have happened. She felt like all her energy was being stripped from her. What was the source? She had no idea. But all she did know seemed like a lie in itself. The radio crackled coming to life. Instead of a casual news reporter talking about something random, the president’s voice buzzed in.
BREAKING NEWS!
June 16, 3026 at 9:23 pm
"The number of suspicious reports has grown to over 55 million in the past week! Officers have been informed of suspicious activity in many different neighborhoods throughout the United States. Multiple reports have said that family member’s houses have been torn to pieces. Friends mysteriously disappear. Reports have been sent unfinished as if the writer could never finish it. Investigations have been sent out all around the U.S. Even the FBI have gone missing. The president has done nothing. THE U.S. IS NO LONGER SAFE! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!! BEFORE ITS TOO LA—"
Natalie stood up looking at the radio as it buzzed and went silent. What does he mean by “before it’s too late”? Why are people going missing? She sat there watching the radio until her eyes felt heavy and fell fast asleep.
The next morning Natalie was in the kitchen making some breakfast as she listened to the radio. The president started to speak…unnaturaly. He talked as if he weren’t human.
BREAKING NEWS!
June 17, 3026 at 1:47 pm
"Good afternoon fellow h-humans! Today we have never been a better country. Racism has stopped and we are so close to getting rid of HU-! I mean solving world hunger. Together we are one and together we will find peace! This is your president speaking. Keep your axes in hand and keep inviting your neighbors! FOR WE ARE SO CLOSE TO GETTING RID OF THEIR FILTH! RISE AND BECOME ONE! RISE AND BECOME—"
After the radio went silent again, Natalie got the strange feeling that she was being watched. She shook the feeling away and dismissed the president’s tone.
The next day she sat on the couch reading her book “Doppelganger: A Trip into the Mirror World” by Naomi Klein when the radio started to sputter. As want distantly sounded like the president started to talk again.
BREAKING NEWS!
June 18, 3026 at 4:27 am
WE HAVE SUCCEEDED IN OUR MISSION! THE WORLD HAS BEEN ENGULFED IN FLAMES AND THE HUMAN FILTH HAS BEEN DISPOSED OF! NOW IT’S TIME TO REBUILD THIS WASTELAND! TOGETHER WE WILL TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE! THE DOPPLEGANGER EMPIRE BEGINS NOW!
Natalie stood all the way up shocked and disturbed. She looked around her as a light knock sounded coming from the door. Her face went pale as she stood frozen in place.
“May I come in?” Answered a distorted voice that sounded mysteriously like her own. Another knock came, even harder than before.
“Wh-who’s there?” Natalie managed to choke out.
“Why, we are one,” the voice replied.
Natalie reached for the door knob and grasped it with a shaking hand. She took a breath and opened the door. There standing in front of her was no other than herself. The fake Natalie had a huge smile that spread all the way to her ears. Her eyes were deep black causing you to fall into her gaze.
“I miss him so much,” the fake Natalie said in a normal voice. “I want him gone from this world for what he did!” the girl said in an ominous voice, much deeper this time. The real Natalie froze as her face went even whiter. Those words were the exact same that I said to my friends in our group chat this morning! B-before the group went silent. For good.
Before she could react, the doppelganger lunged at her, jaw down to the floor and all went black.
Image from iStock
Save Them
Save Them
By: Addi Church, Managing Editor
Five years ago on a summer day, a 19 year old girl name Kalia Stonely was discovered to have unnatural abilities. She oftentimes would be spotted with her hands charred and black, but then the next time she would be seen her hands appeared normal.
“I could’ve sworn that her hands were black as coal. The next time I saw her, they were normal looking. It was totally freaky.” Says one witness.
Many people thought that Stonely was a witch, but she claimed that her abilities were a gift from God and that she had been called to save the village from a disastrous event.
Nobody believed her.
She was imprisoned and sentenced to death for witchcraft. Kalia’s parents tried to bail her out of jail multiple times, but were ignored. They kept trying and eventually were put into prison too.
Kalia’s guards reported that she never stopped praying. Sometimes she spoke aloud, her words of praise and requests echoing through the halls.
The other prisoners took heart in these words, and all of them were soon praying along with Kalia Stonely.
Three weeks after Kalia was imprisoned, a large meteor crashed, demolishing the town and everyone in it. Christians are sure that ALL of the prisoners had been saved, despite the sins that placed them there. They believed that Kalia really had saved everyone in that prison compound.
Kalia’s last prayer was recorded, and her words were, “Please. Save them. They don’t know what they’re doing.”
Squirt The Skunk!
Squirt The Skunk!
By Vada Martens
I was a young man when I met him, a two inch, tiny but mighty, skunk who I named Squirt. Now you might have a few questions and I hope to answer them in this (Not so) mini explanation.
It was a hot summer day in 2007, I was 13 and my mom had told me to go play outside. I started walking through the little wooded patch in the back of my parents property, we were fortunate to have 25 (Ish) acres. I was looking at my feet as I walked and saw a small rustling in the pile of leaves that I was walking past, “Huh, what are you?” I said as I crouched down to examine the pile. (yes, I talk to myself) A high pitched squeaking sounds from the bush then a head popped up. It was admitaly adorable, black with a few white stripes and highlights. Then it hit me. It was a skunk. Addimitily, I let out a high pitched scream, much like a girls scream and fell backwards and started scooting backwards, my heart was pounding and paused after going backwards into a tree. I watched as the little skunk crawled out of the pile, on all fours, then he tilted his head and did the single thing that surprised me the most. It. Walked. Like. A. Human. It strolled over to me, I was frozen with shock and my mouth was hanging open with surprise. The small legend skunk took a solid minute to come to my side but when he did, he crawled onto my foot and waved. This skunk waved at me, I was smacked with surprise and sat there with my mouth hanging open.
Looking back, I realized the skunk understood me when he saw me with my mouth open, he knew that it wasn't exactly normal to have a skunk waving at a human. At the time my mind was racing with all the questions it could think of, “Why is he waving?” and “What in the universe?” alongside with, “Oh my goodness, I scream like a girl.” I soon realized that I had been staring at the skunk for a bit to long, I closed my mouth and sat up a bit. I looked around to see if there was anyone around me and came to the conclusion that I was completely alone with the exception of the skunk who now rested in my lap.
I let my hand go to the skunk who was curled in my lap and touched his warm and soft fur. It was incredibly soft and the skunk let out a soft grumble and leaned into my hand, “Your not too bad little squirt are ya?” I whispered as I picked up the small critter, I stood up and started to my house when another thought crept into my mind, “Where am I going to hide him? Mom and dad won't be too happy if I bought a skunk home…” I reached the door to my house and knocked to see if there was anyone there. The house was silent and absolutely deserted. Or so I thought. I walked through my living room and hid the skunk in my pocket. I was so glad that I hid him there because I then saw my little sister laid across the couch, “Whaaaat? Whaaaat do you want Brandon?” She whined.
“Nothing!” I blurted, “I was just going to go to the attic.” I tried to slow my words as not to sound panicked but entirely failed as my little sister raised her head with a very special look on her face.
“Suuure pall. Ima tell mom or dad.” Linsly, (My sisters name) seemed triumphant, like she was excited to get me in trouble for something that she was probably going to make up.
I stood there and scoffed, “Like you could do that. Mom and dad won't believe anything you say, I did nothing wrong and they will know it.” I said as the skunk started to squirm in my pocket, it was a big pocket but not exactly big enough for him.
Then. it. squeaked. A loud squeak erupted from my pocket and my sister shot up like a rocket. “And what exactly is nothing to you?” She jumped off the couch and ran up to me, “what do you have Brandon?” I shook my head as sweat started bleeding on my forehead, “Huh? If its nothing, why are you so nervous?” Linsly started to circle me, I was panicking at this point.
“I have a skunk in my pocket and I was going to smuggle him into the attic and take care of him.” I thought, “I can't say that. Should I just tell her? Would she be in on the plan?” I paused, “What plan? I don't have a plan.” I thought to myself. Looking down at my sister, she was looking at my pocket with the skunk and I was panicking, “I have nothing.” I said, feeling sweet running down my forehead.
“Ok.” my sister looked suspicious and I admittedly thought I was in the clear but I was very wrong. I looked to her and she smirked as she sat on the couch. I ran to the stairs and pulled the ladder to go to the attic and climbed it as fast as I could.
I sat on the couch that we had stored in the attic and grabbed the little squirt from my pocket and set him on my lap, stroking his soft fur I knew that he was going to be with me as long as I could controle. I picked him up and laid him on my chest and relaxed for a minute of pice. Only one minute of pice tho, I soon heard a soft gasp and looked over to see my sister wide eyed and slack jawed. “A SKUNK! THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE HIDING!” She shrieked, Squirt shot up on my chest and looked at me startled, “Oh! I scared him..” She lowered her voice and finished crawling up the ladder and sat next to me, the dust that had settled on the cushion flew everywhere as she sat.
“ Yea. I've named him squirt,” I said kind of defeated as I realized that Linsly would tell mom and dad if I didn't let her know enough. The following minutes were very important and they determined if I got to keep squirt or not, “You wanna hold him?” I asked gently,
“He gon spray me?” Linsly asked as she raised her eyebrow,
“No, I think he doesn't have the glands,” I assured her,
“Glands?” Linsly tilted her head as I placed Squirt in her hands,
“ Things that squirt you.” I tried to explain, “Be careful” I said as squirt crawled onto ther hand and starters walking in circles and layed down. I spent a few minutes watching her hang out with the tiny skunk, “Where are we going to put him?” I asked.
“I don't know, what do you think about the doll house that I have? Its up here and works pretty good.” Linsly seemed like she wanted to keep squirt too so I nodded my head. Lindsy and I pulled together the doll house and got squirt settled in.
The next years were full of new adventures, storys to come will detail them!
SUNSCREEN TURNS ON HUMANS!!
SUNSCREEN TURNS ON HUMANS!!
By: Charli Murphy 7th Grade Comic Artist and Fake News Reporter
By: Charli Murphy 7th Grade Comic Artist and Fake News Reporter
Summer of 2026
A young girl on her way to the beach checked her bag to make sure she had everything she needed: a towel, goggles, float toys, and sunscreen. She had everything she needed! She was ready to get her beach on! As she and her family go onto the beach, she sees that there is no one there but them. Yay ! they all thought. They set out their towels and umbrellas, and the young girl goes to put on sunscreen, but when she goes to grab it, she sees that it's grown arms and legs! It jumps out of the bag, the family gets startled, the young girl and her family grab their stuff and start running, and the sunscreen starts chasing them! After a while of running, the sunscreen formed an army and took over the beach. Soon, it took over the world.
Summer 2027
The sunscreen has taken over. There is no human life. The sunscreen now lives in luxury. Living the summer, the humans could never..
Orchestra Vs. Band
By: Scout Greener 7th Grade Fake News Reporter
It finally happened. Band kids got annoyed with Orchestra kids on June 9th, 2029, and declared war.
On June 9th, 2029, band kids were tired of hearing orchestra kids talk down the band kids and were tired of the petty arguing, and finally declared war on each other. It is supposed to happen on June 11, 2029, after school. “Come watch, invite family and friends, spread the word,” says Serafina the flute.
Later, it happened! Band Wins! In the field on June 11th, we saw all the band and orchestra kids gather with their instruments. The kids who are in orchestra and band are standing on the track, ready to monitor and decide the winner. If you were there, you don’t need a recap, but for the losers who weren’t here, here's a recap of the fight.
It started when the cellos approached the low brass (Tuba, Euphonium, and trombones) and started playing aggressively towards them. After that, it was chaos, trumpets were arguing (playing aggressively) towards the violas, and you could see the flutes and violins on one side trying to play higher than the other. You could see clarinets backing the trumpets up against the community of violas. All grades were there: 6th,7th, and 8th. It was a battle of grades and instruments. Eventually, the orchestra and band started turning on their own kind, and the judges (people in both orchestra and band) called it off, declaring the band the winner because they had more orchestra kids with sore ears from the noise.
So many kids were gone the next day from exhaustion and pain in the fingers and ears that the school took a day off due to the small number of kids.
AUSTRALIAN CHANNEL HOST MISSING
AUSTRALIAN CHANNEL HOST MISSING
By AJ Wade, 7th grade fake news editor
Since 4/17/26, reports from the crew of the hit show "The Australian Channel" flowed to the police, and what it stated was chilling.
The crew of The Australian Channel was their island headquarters, their main building at the time. They were trying to bring back the memory of a missing assistant host 4 years later when the Reese's Pieces were captured.
The host, Deegan Rodman, got knocked out when Braden Thompson, the missing host, broke out of his cell, where Rodman tried to fight Thompson, which led to being knocked out. The rest of the crew made it out, but Rodman was trapped in the headquarters.
The crew will be going back to the island headquarters to try to find the host of their show. It's only a matter of time before we get either good news or really bad news.
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