VOLUME 2

Some stories are good no matter how many times you hear them. The Labors of Hercules are not one of them. That’s why we’ve decided to tell them again, with a little more spice. Welcome to "The Dozen or So Really Hard Errands of Hercules."

Burdened with divine strength at birth, the Son of Zeus was insanely strong and handsome his entire life. Infancy was no exception. He was the subject of great rage and envy from Hera, who arranged that another child, Eurystheus, would be born prematurely in order to supersede Hercules and rule Greece by virtue of being born first. Hercules was to serve this man. Charged with fulfilling 12 tasks by Hera and the sickly Eurystheus, Hercules is bound by ancient code to complete them successfully in order to gain his freedom. Eurystheus, being a vindictive man, decided to make earning it as hard as humanly possible; in some cases, even harder than that. Freedom from what, we can only guess. Nevertheless it is crucial that the reader understands that what Hercules did, he had to. In the name of Freedom. God bless.

"A lot of people died but if we don't, they win."

“To maintain a face of stone while consuming the wings of an avian beast spawned from the fires of Hades” was how King Eurystheus first described this labor to Heracles. He must eat twelve chicken wings coated in ghost pepper sauce, which is known for such fiery spice that most mortal men cannot consume it. But while Heracles had not slain a ghost before, he had eaten chicken wings, and so he was unafraid of the challenge.

He took the first wing in his fingers and they felt just as any fresh cooked meat did. Surely, he thought, that if the wings were as hot as fabled they would burn in his fingers as well as his mouth. Now growing more confident, he took his first bite. There was some burn when the sauce hit his tongue, but Hades certainly burned hotter. This bolstered his confidence and he swallowed without bothering to chew. This was his major folly, as the spark that the sauce created grew quickly into roaring flames that burned not only his tongue, but his throat. His body’s immediate reaction was to cough, but he knew he could not do so without making a face and so he clenched every muscle in his neck to halt himself from doing so. He assumed that this was a temporary condition that he could wait out before returning to his feast, but the fires raged on and he could not breathe while clenched this way.. Thus he unclenched exhaled softly in an attempt to quell the flames, but this only seemed to kindle them. The coming air from his lungs almost seemed to be aflame, itself, as did the air he breathed in.

This was only the start of the challenge, and while he was no longer in questions of the wings’ heat, he still had no fear of what lied before him. The feast continued, and the flames grew hotter with every bite. He began to sweat, and it poured down near every surface of his body. His face became as red as a rose. Though he was now thoroughly chewing each bite, the embers in his throat beckoning him to cough remained present. His fingers, which had once seemed immune to the ghostly heat now burned with almost the same ferocity as his tongue. This was indeed a challenge worthy of his strength and skill, but still not one he could not overcome.

His face, though so red and moist that it appeared to have been freshly painted, never changed expression. When he swallowed his last bite, he allowed himself a sigh of relief and embers blew out onto his plate in front of him. With this, the challenge was complete.

Eurystheus does not like “PC Culture” because he wants to be able to say whatever he wants, and he misses a time when people didn’t get so offended about everything. His solution to his affliction was to sign Hercules up for a night of stand-up comedy with a brave and blistering routine that would really wake people up.

It was a small venue called The Range that had cheap beer and a lineup of new acts waiting to punch their way onto the scene. Hercules had spent all day thinking of jokes he liked, and he was such a skilled orator that he didn’t even have to write them down.

His routine went like this:

“What’s up fuckers. Thanks to Gary for letting me come up here tonight.

Ok let’s get started. You know what I hate about women? How they’re always nagging. You ever see a guy nag his wife the same way she does to him? Hercules you forgot to change the light in the garage! That’s why there’s so many dudes in charge still. That shit doesn’t fly around the office. Hector you forgot to replace the toner blah blah blah I’ll tell you what, if I’m that guy’s boss, he’d be looking for another fuckin’ job. That’s why when my buddy asked me if the dishwasher was working I telled him no, she stays at home.

Oh come on, you’re allowed to laugh.”

Hercules really moved the needle that night with his courage to “say what everyone was thinking.”

"I did it through hard work. If you can't its because you're lazy."

Hercules peered out of his car window, waiting for her to leave for work. He double-checked to make sure his seat was lowered all the way down -- enough so that even his enormous bare pecs couldn’t be seen. The sun was just now starting to peek out, shining suddenly across her glossy, manicured lawn. She usually left by now. “I hope she hasn’t seen me and called the police,” Hercules worried. Eurystheus would be so pissed.

As far as Hercules knew, Eury’s breakup with this woman had been cordial, but definitive, with very clear instructions never to contact her (or her dog) ever again. But Hercules also knew his brother to be vindictive, and somewhat of a coward. He would always rather handle things the hard way, without direct conflict, passive-aggressively...

Ten minutes behind schedule, Eury’s ex emerged from the front door, hopped into her car, and left. Her greyhound's face appeared in the window to watch her owner’s car get smaller and smaller. Hercules followed Eury’s instructions carefully to enter the house with the spare key (under the fake rock by the potted plant). After several minutes of trying to bribe the beast into the car with treats, coaxing her with his highest high-pitched dog voice (“Come on, you stupid bitch!”), and gently encouraging her from behind with his foot, Hercules eventually had no choice but to use his awesome strength to hoist the dog over his shoulder and take her out of the house unwillingly.

As of yet, Hercules has not yet figured out 12 ways to make his brother happy. The fight goes on.