NEW DEVIL BOX THREATENS TO PUT ARTISTS OUT OF WORK

A new contraption is sweeping across the streets of Europe and now America; a device which, in an instant, can freeze all optically available life into a single frame. A perfect translation of form and features, ready to go at the press of a button. This new marvel is called a “camera.”

Where once an artist’s eye was required to commemorate glorious occasions or grand portraits, now a mere technician can accomplish the same with relative ease. Gone are the days where men of skill and perception are needed to give life to precious works, and here are the times that call for a colder, less soulful method. A Heideggerian documentation of pure fact, for nothing is distorted and the image produced matches the likeness of the subject exactly. These products, called photographs, can be reproduced a near infinite number of times as well.

Why go to the Grand Canyon, one of the great gifts of the United States to the world, when you can pull a photograph out of a drawer and observe it at your leisure? Why go see achievements like “Washington Crossing the Delaware,” at the Metropolitan where it hangs, when it can be reproduced to be small enough to fit in your hand and available in your common home. Art as we know it, I fear, is dead. Someday I shall take my children to a museum and explain to my children how we once saw beauty in the world, and lament why that is no longer so.

ARE YOU TIRED OF YOUR OLD MUSIC?

Artists have been remaking and remixing each other’s work for decades now, and the state of music in the age of mechanical reproduction means that anybody and everybody has the means and license to do with their music whatever they wish. We encourage you to throw your hat in the ring too. Following these guidelines, it shouldn’t even be that hard.

Try adding dance beats to sped-up versions of older classic songs that have lost a little bit of their luster. If you’re like most people you’ve listened to your favorite content until you’ve beat it to death with pure repetition, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. Any music that’s gotten a little tired can be injected with new life following a few simple steps. Go ahead and find some music editing software you like, and don’t worry if you have to settle for a free trial because this amount of effort is likely something you’re only going to convince yourself to do once.

First, you’re going to want to speed it up. A good baseline to shoot for is 180bpm (beats per minute) - this will work for any song. If you’re somehow doing this a second time, just speed it up some more. Don’t be afraid to push the boundary of recognizable sound, the faster you can handle the better. This technique originates in the bebop jazz wave of post-WWII New York City.

Second, add some hype dance rhythms. Lots of bass, and some sharp cymbal or snare sounds for flavor. The backbone of your new mix is going to come from this new baseline, so feel free to let it fly. It will act as a kind of horizon line to your new sonic landscape, keeping the piece grounded.

Third, add some of your favorite effects. Laser sounds, extra reverb, or flange effects are staff favorites. This is really where you make your new song yours.

Now go upload it to soundcloud and see what they have to say about it.