Don’t add to the drama. Take it in stride and coach your kids as they work to resolve things on their own. 

A middle school girl scrolling through Instagram discovers that she’s been left out of a friend’s party. She becomes understandably upset and looks to her parents for advice. Situations like this may be common, but that doesn’t mean that the adults will always know just what to say.

Indeed, as children turn into teenagers they become more devoted to their peers, but also more likely to come into conflict with them. In middle and high school, social friction and hurt feelings often come with the territory, with the risk of causing intense emotional stress both for the tweens and teenagers themselves, and also for the grown-ups who care for them.

“Conflict is unavoidable and can be a point of growth,” says Andrea Shaffer, who has often called on her conflict resolution training during 27 years of teaching and coaching at the private preschool-grade 12 Chicago Waldorf School.

While there are times when adults should step in, according to Blake Revelle, principal of Indian Hills Middle School, a public school in Prairie Village, Kan., “our job as parents and educators is to set up some bumpers on the bowling alley, not to dictate the exact way the ball goes down the lane.”

Grown-ups are probably most helpful to young people when we take their social turmoil in stride and have strategies to coach them along as they work to resolve things on their own.

Don’t Confuse Conflict With Bullying

When our child suffers a social injury, ...

check out the full article here

Game on! It's a fun expression used to indicate that a game or competition is about to begin. But when the game is almost always on – literally – you may be facing more than just your child's fun and games. 

Video and computer games addiction is nothing to smile about – especially when it affects your kids. Yet it's so mainstream that gaming disorder is now considered an official mental health condition officially added to the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11).

According to the World Health Organization, gaming disorder is defined as: "a pattern of gaming behavior (digital gaming or video gaming) characterized by increasing priority given to gaming over other activities to the extent that gaming takes precedence over other interests and daily activities."

Individuals with a gaming disorder show a pattern of behavior that significantly impairs social, educational, occupational, or other aspects of their lives for at least 12 months. It's most prevalent among males aged 12 – 20, but anyone can experience it.

Most likely, your kids aren't suffering from full-blown gaming disorder at this point. But even if they don't quite fit the diagnosis criteria, they might be on that screen-studded path toward video game addiction. It's a slippery slope. 

In moderation, playing video games can be fun – and even educational, helping improve memory, logic, hand-eye coordination, and problem-solving skills. But too much screen time can lead to a host of 'Mortal Kombat-sized' problems, including behavioral issues, poor sleep habits, social isolation, eye, neck, and back strain, anxiety/depression, difficulties at school…, and the list goes on.

How to Break Video Game Addiction

If you've read this far, you might be concerned that your child/teen is developing a video game addiction. Does he spend most of his free time in a zombie-like trance playing Fortnite instead of experiencing important milestones like forming interpersonal relationships and participating in live group interactions? Is she falling behind on her schoolwork while mastering Minecraft?

Check out these eight ways to help your children fight video game addiction – and get them to focus less on their virtual lives and more on their actual lives beyond the screens.

check out the full article here

In today's digital age, video games have become an integral part of many individuals' lives, including adolescents and young adults.  While gaming can offer entertainment, cognitive benefits, and social interactions, excessive and compulsive gaming can lead to addiction and host of behavioral and emotional problems.  As a concerned parent, it is essential to understand the signs of video game addiction and adopt strategies to address this issue effectively.

FOR INFORMATION ON FAMILY ADDICTION SPECIALIST SERVICES REGARDING VIDEO GAME ADDICTION RECOVERY AND OTHER RELATED ISSUES PLEASE SEND AN EMAIL TO  INFO@FAMILYADDICTIONSPECIALIST.COM

Recognizing the Signs:

Video game addiction, also known as Internet Gaming Disorder, is characterized by excessive and uncontrollable gaming habits that interfere with a person's daily life.  Signs of video game addiction in your son or daughter might include neglecting schoolwork, poor academic performance, withdrawing from social interactions, neglecting personal hygiene, disrupted sleep patterns, and mood swings.  In addition to gaming excessively, children who have a problematic relationship with video games may prioritize gaming over relationships, other hobbies and responsibilities, lie about their gaming, or hide their gaming.  Recognizing these signs early is crucial for initiating a supportive approach.

Open Communication:

Engaging in open and non-judgmental communication with your child is the first step.  

check out the full article here

Emotional wellbeing is the full range of emotions, behavior, ideas, and relationships of a person. Your emotional wellbeing is like your physical wellbeing, where the healthy side of the spectrum means your body and mind are working to perform the tasks and functions to keep you comfortable and able.

Find resources that make it easier to have open and honest conversations to support their mental health. Every child is different, but young people often face similar struggles. Talking to your child about how they are feeling isn’t always easy to do, but it can help them recognize, manage, and express their emotions in healthy ways. Sound It Out has tools to help you have better conversations with your child.

Visit: Sound It Out for a step-by-step guide to make sure you're fully equipped to have a healthy conversation with your kids about emotional wellbeing. 

Dear Mum and Dad,

Please stick with me.

I can’t think clearly right now because there is a rather substantial section of my prefrontal cortex missing. It’s a fairly important chunk, something having to do with rational thought. You see, it won’t be fully developed until I’m about 25. And from where I sit, 25 seems a long way off.

My brain is not yet fully developed

It doesn’t matter that I’m smart; even a perfect score on my math test doesn’t insulate me from the normal developmental stages that we all go through. Judgement and intelligence are two completely distinct things.

And, the same thing that makes my brain wonderfully flexible, creative and sponge-like also makes me impulsive. Not necessarily reckless or negligent but more impulsive than I will be later in life.

Please stick with me.

So when you look at me like I have ten heads after I’ve done something “stupid” or failed to do something “smart,” you’re not really helping.

You adults respond to situations with your prefrontal cortex (rationally) but I am more inclined to respond with my amygdala (emotionally). And when you ask, “What were you thinking?” the answer is I wasn’t, at least not in the way you are. You can blame me, or you can blame mother nature, but either way, it is what it is.

At this point in my life, I get that you love me, but my friends are my everything. Please understand that. Right now I am choosing my friends, but, don’t be fooled, I am watching you. Carefully.

Please stick with me.

.......

Here’s what you can do for me

1. Model adulting.

I see all the behaviours that you are modeling and I hear all of the words you say. I may not listen but I do hear you. I seem impervious to your advice, like I’m wearing a Kevlar vest but your actions and words are penetrating. I promise. If you keep showing me the way, I will follow even if I detour many, many times before we reach our destination.

2. Let me figure things out for myself.

If you allow me to experience the consequences of my own actions I will learn from them. Please give me a little bit of leash and let me know that I can figure things out for myself. The more I do, the more confidence and resilience I will develop.

3. Tell me about you.

I want you to tell me all the stories of the crazy things you did as a teen, and what you learned from them. Then give me the space to do the same.

4. Help me with perspective.

Keep reminding me of the big picture. I will roll my eyes at you and make all kinds of grunt-like sounds. I will let you know in no uncertain terms that you can’t possibly understand any of what I’m going through. But I’m listening. I really am. It’s hard for me to see anything beyond the weeds that I am currently mired in. Help me scan out and focus on the long view. Remind me that this moment will pass.

5. Keep me safe.

Please remind me that drugs and driving don’t mix. Keep telling me that you will bail me out of any dangerous situation, no anger, no lectures, no questions asked. But also let me know over and over and over that you are there to listen, when I need you.

6. Be kind.

I will learn kindness from you and if you are relentless in your kindness to me, someday I will imitate that behaviour. Don’t ever mock me, please and don’t be cruel. Humour me-I think I know everything. You probably did as well at my age. Let it go.

7. Show interest in the things I enjoy.

Some days I will choose to share my interests with you, and it will make me feel good if you validate those interests, by at least acting interested.

One day when the haze of adolescence lifts, you will find a confident, strong, competent, kind adult where a surly teenager once stood. In the meantime, buckle in for the ride.

Please stick with me.

Love,

Your Teenager

Helene Wingens

If you do a quick search for apps that help keep your tweens safe online, there are dozens that pop up. But how do you know which one is right for your family? It all depends on how much your children use their devices but, as a general rule of thumb, you’ll want an app that can keep an eye on a wide variety of activities from chat platforms to internet searches and everything in between. As we move further into the digital age, there seems to be danger lurking around every corner, so there’s definitely a lot of ground to cover when it comes to safety. These six apps will give you the peace of mind you need to allow your tween to chat, surf and play safely.  

Bark Technologies

Bark is a comprehensive app for families that monitors across 30 plus of the most popular apps and social media platforms including email and text messaging. Screen time management and web filtering tools allow you to manage how your teen interacts digitally. If Bark catches something, you get an alert along with helpful articles from licensed psychologists on how to tackle tough topics. After a 30 day free trial, pricing plans start at just $5 a month. Download Bark for iOS and Android here. 

Norton Family

It makes sense that the tried and true company that keeps computers safe from viruses, also does a great job of keeping kids safe online. Each week, the app generates a report of what your teen has been up to: internet searches, websites visited, videos downloaded, emails sent and more. The Alert Me feature helps parents stay informed about their child’s location. And, the Instant Lock feature gives parents the option to lock devices, which comes in handy while forming healthy screen time habits. The cost is $49 for a year subscription and it can be used for multiple family members.  Download Norton Family for iOS and Android here. 

MSpy

The more you know, the less you worry. And if that’s the case, MSpy will have you sleeping like a baby. With this program, there will be no doubt as to what your tweens are doing online. With MSpy, parents can view shared photos, read chats in full (including deleted messages), and find out where they are through a GPS tracking system. Find out who they call and chat the most plus their most frequented websites. Unlike other parental safety apps for teens, you can watch over your teen’s activity in steal mode. Pricing starts at $25 a month. Download MSpy for iOS and Android here. 

Teensafe

Teensafe is all about fostering a healthy balance between life and devices. Weekly and daily time limits can be set remotely for screen time, video calls and more. There’s also a handy pause button that parents can use when teens should put their focus into other things like homework or family time. Teensafe is especially good for monitoring video sharing apps, like TikTok and SnapChat, allowing parents to view sent media files and chats. Pricing starts at $9.99 a month. Download Teensafe for iOS and Android here. 

Kaspersky

If you have different age groups in the house, Kaspersky is great. You can set individual time limits and searching restrictions per device as well as customize lists of apps and websites that can only be used with your permission. Like other programs, Kaspersky can track your child’s whereabouts, but it also allows parents to set up boundaries for your children which is also known as geo-fencing. If they venture outside of a given radius, you will be notified via text.  At just $14.99 a year, it is one of the best values around. Download Kaspersky for iOS and Android here. 

FamilyTime

With FamilyTime, you can get a limited amount of safety features for free including call tracking, app usage history, alerts for apps installed, and an SOS panic button that allows parents to shut down devices with just one swipe. The premium version allows for a deep dive into your teens screen time with safe search features, access to messages and chats, and more. Pricing starts at $27 a year. Download FamilyTime for iOS and Android here. 

The topic of cutting can be troubling for parents. It can be hard to understand why a teen would deliberately self-injure, and worrisome to think your teen - or one of your teen’s friends - could be at risk. But parents who are aware of this important issue and understand the emotional pain it can signal are in a position to help. The numbers in the nation are rising, so we thought knowledge is power and hope you find this helpful. 

What Constitutes Self-Injury (SI)?

• Any deliberate action intended to cause physical pain. 

• Is most often done by females, but males are not excluded

• It can be related to broader emotional issues that need attention

What is Cutting?

• Using a sharp object to make marks, cuts, or scratches on one’s own body. Enough to break the skin and cause bleeding.

• Potential tools: Razorblade, knife, scissors, a metal tab from a soda can, end of a paper clip, a nail file, a pen, sometimes they burn their skin with the end of a cigarette or a lighted match, hitting or punching oneself

• Where? Most commonly marks can be found on wrists, forearms, thighs, or belly, ankles (but it could be anywhere)

• What to look for? 

  • Multiple similar marks on your teen’s skin in close proximity or a wound or injury without explanation.

  • Hiding certain body parts (long sleeve shirt on a hot day etc)

  • Talking about self-injury

  • Wound that won’t heal or get worse

  • Increased isolation

  • Avoiding social activities

  • Wearing lots of bandaids

• Although very serious and dangerous, most of the time, cutting is not suicidal.

• Often starts as an impulse, but is habit forming and difficult to stop, addictive

• Most try to hide their cuts or make excuses, some do call attention to it

Why?

An attempt to interrupt strong emotions and pressures that seem impossible to tolerate.

• Peer pressure - once they start, they can’t easily stop

• Pressure to be perfect - struggle to accept failures or mistakes

• A way to contend with powerful moods that are too hard to control or to bear

• Hurt by harsh treatment or situations left them feeling unsupported, powerless, unworthy, or unloved

• An escape from emotional pain or difficult situations that no one knows about

• An attempt to “wake up” from emotional numbness

• Pain they can control

• A cry for help

Confronting Cutting

• Discovery

  • Some call attention to their self-injury or if it requires medical attention

  • Many teens cut for a long time before anyone else knows

  • Some teens eventually tell someone

• It can take courage and trust to reach out. People can stop cutting, but it is not easy. It takes strength and willingness to deal with the issues that got them started cutting in the first place. 

• Many hesitate to reach out because they fear being misunderstood, someone might be angry, upset, disappointed, shocked or judgmental. 

• Parent/ Child communication is essential. Creating a safe space for communication at home so they feel safe to talk about the difficulties they are having.

Parents - How to Help

If your teen is cutting, there are ways to help. By coping with your own feelings, learning about cutting, finding professional help, and just being there to love and believe in your teen, you’ll provide the calm, steady support that he or she needs. 

• Don’t panic - focus on compassion and love for your child

• Accept your own emotions

  • If you discover your teen is cutting, you’re likely to feel a range of emotions

  • It’s important to know it’s not your fault and it’s not your teens fault

  • Take time to identify your own emotions and find a way to express them

  • Talk to a friend, have a good cry, walk to let off the steam, or quietly reflect

  • Talking to a therapist can also help you sort things and gain perspective so you can give your teen the support they need

• Talk to your child

  • What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it

  • To open the conversation, you might say that you know about the cutting, and then convey your concern, love, and willingness to help your child stop.

  • Ask questions and listen without reacting with punishment, scolding, or lectures

  • Ask what difficult issues they may be facing

  • Explain that you want to understand and find ways to help

• What if they resist talking about it?

  • He or she may deny cutting, get angry, cry, yell, storm off or clam up

  • Try to stay calm and patient

  • Don’t give up!

  • Find another time to communicate and try again

• Seek professional help - from a qualified mental health professional

  • They can help you understand why

  • They can help your teen heal old hurts & develop new coping skills

  • It can allow your teen to tell their stories, putting their difficult experiences into words and learn new skills to deal with stress

  • It can also identify underlying mental health disorders such as depression, bipolar (mood problems), unresolved grief, compulsive behaviors, or struggles with perfectionism

  • Your doctor or school counselor may be able to help find a therapist

• Stay positive - offer encouragement & support

  • While your teen is getting professional help, stay as involved as possible

  • Ask a therapist to guide you in how to talk with and support your teen

  • Ask your teen how you can best help

What to do if your child reports that a friend is cutting

• Contact the friends' parent if you feel comfortable or

• Contact the school to share the information

Navigating the ups and downs of the teenage years has never been easy, as young adults manage a lot of changes that are hormonal, physical, social and emotional. Teens could use help during this period; according to a recent study, the prevalence of depression in adolescents has increased in the last decade. One way teens can manage these experiences, according to psychologist Susan David, is by equipping teens with the emotional skills to “help them develop the flexibility and resilience they need to flourish, even during hard times.”

“Emotions are absolutely fundamental to our long-term success – our grit, our ability to self-regulate, to negotiate conflict and to solve problems. They influence our relationships and our ability to be effective in our jobs,” said David, author of the book  “Emotional Agility” and an instructor at Harvard Medical School. “Children who grow up into adults who are not able to navigate emotions effectively will be at a major disadvantage.”

In her book, David defines emotional agility as “being aware and accepting of all your emotions, even learning from the most difficult ones,” and being able to “live in the moment with a clear reading of present circumstances, respond appropriately, and then act in alignment with your deepest values.” She says emotions are data, not directions. Understanding that distinction can equip teenagers to make healthy decisions that are in alignment with their values.

David said that she would explain the concept to a teenager this way: “Emotional agility is the ability to not be scared of emotions, but rather to be able to learn from them and use emotions for all the things you want to do and be in the world.” In order to respond with agility to challenging or novel situations, teenagers need to strengthen their emotional literacy. David recommends helping them understand these key concepts about emotions.

Emotions are not good or bad -- they just are.

Everyone experiences difficult emotions -- including sadness, anger and frustration.  Teens need to know that “there is nothing wrong with you when you feel sad or angry inside,” said David. “Teens so often live in a world in which what peers are doing becomes the litmus of what is normal.” They engage in social comparison, often via social media platforms. “If your friends seem to be happy all the time, that can be very isolating for a teen.” When adults reassure teens that all emotions are normal and healthy, it can help ease their minds when they have a strong emotional response.

Emotions pass.

“No emotion is here to stay,” said David. “You may feel really sad or really angry -- but emotions are transient. Emotions pass.” This understanding can help teens keep their emotional fluctuations in perspective. This doesn’t mean you should bury emotions or pretend they don’t affect you, said David. Instead, acknowledge them. Notice how you are feeling and create a “nonjudgmental space” between the emotion and how you choose to respond to it.  David advocates viewing your emotional responses with compassion and curiosity, gently asking, “Why am I feeling this way?”

Emotions are teachers.

People can learn from difficult emotions. In fact, David notes, emotions can give you tremendous data about what is important to you, what you care about, who you can trust and how you want to live your life.  “No one is happy all the time,” said David, “so when you feel those difficult emotions, ask yourself:  What is this emotion telling me? How can I use this information to be stronger, better and more connected with the world?”

Courage is “fear walking.”

“We are surrounded by people telling us to conquer our fears,” said David, “but fear is normal.” The trick is not letting fear stop you from doing important work. “We cannot do away with fear, but we can choose to notice it with compassion and still move toward what is of value to us.” When you have the internal thought, “I want to do this but I’m scared,” take one small step that moves you toward your goal. “Courage is not the absence of fear,” said David. “Courage is fear walking.“

How Values Affirmation Strengthens Emotional Agility

David points to two additional strategies that parents and teachers can draw on to help teens become emotionally agile: values affirmation and autonomy.

“We are all susceptible to social contagion,” said David, “and we end up being influenced by our peers to do things that aren’t right for us. Core values are the compass that keep us moving in the right direction.” David said that giving teens opportunities to affirm and articulate their values is protective in the face of inevitable challenges. For example, adults can invite teens to talk about why school is important to them, who they want to be, what they care about, what they want to accomplish and what difference they want to make in the world.

Research out of Stanford University found that asking middle school students to reflect and write about the things that truly mattered to them during stressful points in the school year resulted in significant academic gains, particularly for at-risk students. A similar writing exercise with first-generation college students -- where they were asked to write about the three values that were most important to them -- also resulted in academic gains.

A strong internal compass can help teens develop true autonomy -- which should not be confused with independence, said David. For example, when a teenager breaks curfew to stay out with friends, they may feel independent, but their behavior is not autonomous if it is driven by “peer pressure or chaotic emotions.”

Parents and teachers can support teens by providing them with scaffolded autonomy, giving them opportunities to try (and fail) to solve problems, talking through their choices and potential outcomes, offering them authentic choices and resisting the impulse to rush in to save the day.

David said we need to teach teens how to think, not what to think, as they work through emotionally charged situations. That way, when they face a difficult decision, they can act in a way that is congruent with their internal compass.  “Ask them, ‘What are some strategies that might help you? You are struggling with something that feels big and difficult -- so how do we break this down? What’s one step you can take? Support them as they look for solutions that are meaningful to them.”  David encapsulates the essence of this support in three words: “I see you" -- your emotions, your ideas, your strengths, your struggles, and your dreams.

“Every single one of us wants to be seen. For me, ‘I see you’ means creating a space in your heart and in your home or classroom where [a child] is seen. When children and adolescents are very upset, literally just the presence of a loving person helps to de-escalate and creates the space where calm is invited in.”

If you’ve ever put off an important task by, say, alphabetizing your spice drawer, you know it wouldn’t be fair to describe yourself as lazy.

After all, alphabetizing requires focus and effort — and hey, maybe you even went the extra mile to wipe down each bottle before putting it back. And it’s not like you’re hanging out with friends or watching Netflix. You’re cleaning — something your parents would be proud of! This isn’t laziness or bad time management. This is procrastination.

If procrastination isn’t about laziness, then what is it about?

Etymologically, “procrastination” is derived from the Latin verb procrastinare — to put off until tomorrow. But it’s more than just voluntarily delaying. Procrastination is also derived from the ancient Greek word akrasia — doing something against our better judgment.

“It’s self-harm,” said Dr. Piers Steel, a professor of motivational psychology at the University of Calgary and the author of “The Procrastination Equation: How to Stop Putting Things Off and Start Getting Stuff Done.

That self-awareness is a key part of why procrastinating makes us feel so rotten. When we procrastinate, we’re not only aware that we’re avoiding the task in question, but also that doing so is probably a bad idea. And yet, we do it anyway.

“This is why we say that procrastination is essentially irrational,” said Dr. Fuschia Sirois, professor of psychology at the University of Sheffield. “It doesn’t make sense to do something you know is going to have negative consequences.”

She added: “People engage in this irrational cycle of chronic procrastination because of an inability to manage negative moods around a task.”

Wait. We procrastinate because of bad moods?

In short: yes.

Procrastination isn’t a unique character flaw or a mysterious curse on your ability to manage time, but a way of coping with challenging emotions and negative moods induced by certain tasks — boredom, anxiety, insecurity, frustration, resentment, self-doubt and beyond.

“Procrastination is an emotion regulation problem, not a time management problem,” said Dr. Tim Pychyl, professor of psychology and member of the Procrastination Research Group at Carleton University in Ottawa.

In a 2013 study, Dr. Pychyl and Dr. Sirois found that procrastination can be understood as “the primacy of short-term mood repair … over the longer-term pursuit of intended actions.” Put simply, procrastination is about being more focused on “the immediate urgency of managing negative moods” than getting on with the task, Dr. Sirois said.

The particular nature of our aversion depends on the given task or situation. It may be due to something inherently unpleasant about the task itself — having to clean a dirty bathroom or organizing a long, boring spreadsheet for your boss. But it might also result from deeper feelings related to the task, such as self-doubt, low self-esteem, anxiety or insecurity. Staring at a blank document, you might be thinking, I’m not smart enough to write this. Even if I am, what will people think of it? Writing is so hard. What if I do a bad job?

All of this can lead us to think that putting the document aside and cleaning that spice drawer instead is a pretty good idea.

But, of course, this only compounds the negative associations we have with the task, and those feelings will still be there whenever we come back to it, along with increased stress and anxiety, feelings of low self-esteem and self-blame.

In fact, there’s an entire body of research dedicated to the ruminative, self-blaming thoughts many of us tend to have in the wake of procrastination, which are known as “procrastinatory cognitions.” The thoughts we have about procrastination typically exacerbate our distress and stress, which contribute to further procrastination, Dr. Sirois said.

But the momentary relief we feel when procrastinating is actually what makes the cycle especially vicious. In the immediate present, putting off a task provides relief — “you’ve been rewarded for procrastinating,” Dr. Sirois said. And we know from basic behaviorism that when we’re rewarded for something, we tend to do it again. This is precisely why procrastination tends not to be a one-off behavior, but a cycle, one that easily becomes a chronic habit.

Over time, chronic procrastination has not only productivity costs, but measurably destructive effects on our mental and physical health, including chronic stress, general psychological distress and low life satisfaction, symptoms of depression and anxiety, poor health behaviors, chronic illness and even hypertension and cardiovascular disease.

But I thought we procrastinate to feel better?

If it seems ironic that we procrastinate to avoid negative feelings, but end up feeling even worse, that’s because it is. And once again, we have evolution to thank.

Procrastination is a perfect example of present bias, our hard-wired tendency to prioritize short-term needs ahead of long-term ones.

“We really weren’t designed to think ahead into the further future because we needed to focus on providing for ourselves in the here and now,” said psychologist Dr. Hal Hershfield, a professor of marketing at the U.C.L.A. Anderson School of Management.

Dr. Hershfield’s research has shown that, on a neural level, we perceive our “future selves” more like strangers than as parts of ourselves. When we procrastinate, parts of our brains actually think that the tasks we’re putting off — and the accompanying negative feelings that await us on the other side — are somebody else’s problem.

To make things worse, we’re even less able to make thoughtful, future-oriented decisions in the midst of stress. When faced with a task that makes us feel anxious or insecure, the amygdala — the “threat detector” part of the brain — perceives that task as a genuine threat, in this case to our self-esteem or well-being. Even if we intellectually recognize that putting off the task will create more stress for ourselves in the future, our brains are still wired to be more concerned with removing the threat in the present. Researchers call this “amygdala hijack.”

Unfortunately, we can’t just tell ourselves to stop procrastinating. And despite the prevalence of “productivity hacks,” focusing on the question of how to get more work done doesn’t address the root cause of procrastination.

O.K. How do we get to the root cause of procrastination?

We must realize that, at its core, procrastination is about emotions, not productivity. The solution doesn’t involve downloading a time management app or learning new strategies for self-control. It has to do with managing our emotions in a new way.

“Our brains are always looking for relative rewards. If we have a habit loop around procrastination but we haven’t found a better reward, our brain is just going to keep doing it over and over until we give it something better to do,” said psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Judson Brewer, Director of Research and Innovation at Brown University’s Mindfulness Center.

To rewire any habit, we have to give our brains what Dr. Brewer called the “Bigger Better Offer” or “B.B.O.”

In the case of procrastination, we have to find a better reward than avoidance — one that can relieve our challenging feelings in the present moment without causing harm to our future selves. The difficulty with breaking the addiction to procrastination in particular is that there is an infinite number of potential substitute actions that would still be forms of procrastination, Dr. Brewer said. That’s why the solution must therefore be internal, and not dependent on anything but ourselves.

One option is to forgive yourself in the moments you procrastinate. In a 2010 study, researchers found that students who were able to forgive themselves for procrastinating when studying for a first exam ended up procrastinating less when studying for their next exam. They concluded that self-forgiveness supported productivity by allowing “the individual to move past their maladaptive behavior and focus on the upcoming examination without the burden of past acts.”

Another tactic is the related practice of self-compassion, which is treating ourselves with kindness and understanding in the face of our mistakes and failures. In a 2012 study examining the relationship between stress, self-compassion and procrastination, Dr. Sirois found that procrastinators tend to have high stress and low self-compassion, suggesting that self-compassion provides “a buffer against negative reactions to self-relevant events.”

In fact, several studies show that self-compassion supports motivation and personal growth. Not only does it decrease psychological distress, which we now know is a primary culprit for procrastination, it also actively boosts motivation, enhances feelings of self-worth and fosters positive emotions like optimism, wisdom, curiosity and personal initiative. Best of all, self-compassion doesn’t require anything external — just a commitment to meeting your challenges with greater acceptance and kindness rather than rumination and regret.

That may be easier said than done, but try to reframe the task by considering a positive aspect of it. Perhaps you remind yourself of a time you did something similar and it turned out O.K. Or maybe you think about the beneficial outcome of completing the task. What might your boss or partner say when you show them your finished work? How will you feel about yourself?

What are some other, healthier ways to manage the feelings that typically trigger procrastination?

Cultivate curiosity: If you’re feeling tempted to procrastinate, bring your attention to the sensations arising in your mind and body. What feelings are eliciting your temptation? Where do you feel them in your body? What do they remind you of? What happens to the thought of procrastinating as you observe it? Does it intensify? Dissipate? Cause other emotions to arise? How are the sensations in your body shifting as you continue to rest your awareness on them?

Consider the next action: This is different than the age-old advice to break up a task you’re tempted to avoid into bite-sized chunks. According to Dr. Pychyl, focusing only on the “next action” helps calm our nerves, and it allows for what Dr. Pychyl called “a layer of self-deception.” At the start of a given task, you can consider the next action as a mere possibility, as if you were method acting: “What’s the next action I’d take on this if I were going to do it, even though I’m not?” Maybe you would open your email. Or perhaps you would put the date at the top of your document. Don’t wait to be in the mood to do a certain task. “Motivation follows action. Get started, and you’ll find your motivation follows,” Dr. Pychyl said.

Make your temptations more inconvenient: It’s still easier to change our circumstances than ourselves, said Gretchen Rubin, author of “Better Than Before: What I Learned About Making and Breaking Habits.” According to Ms. Rubin, we can take what we know about procrastination and “use it to our advantage” by placing obstacles between ourselves and our temptations to induce a certain degree of frustration or anxiety. If you compulsively check social media, delete those apps from your phone or “give yourself a really complicated password with not just five digits, but 12,” Ms. Rubin said. By doing this, you’re adding friction to the procrastination cycle and making the reward value of your temptation less immediate.

On the other side of the coin, Ms. Rubin also suggested that we make the things we want to do as easy as possible for ourselves. If you want to go to the gym before work but you’re not a morning person, sleep in your exercise clothes. “Try to remove every, every, every roadblock,” Ms. Rubin said.

Still, procrastination is deeply existential, as it raises questions about individual agency and how we want to spend our time as opposed to how we actually do. But it’s also a reminder of our commonality — we’re all vulnerable to painful feelings, and most of us just want to be happy with the choices we make.

Now go finish up alphabetizing that spice drawer before it becomes your next procrastination albatross.

Fears are an inescapable part of being a kid: Hiding behind the couch during a thunderstorm. Being sure there’s something in the closet — a monster! Performing those endless nighttime gymnastics —Five more minutes! One more glass of water! — to avoid going to bed by themselves.

When these fears rear up, as parents our natural instinct is often to soothe and comfort. There’s nothing under the bed, I promise! But, realistically, parents can’t — and shouldn’t — always be there to help kids calm down. Teaching your child how to manage his fears without parental intervention will help him build the confidence and independence he’ll need to feel more in control, and less afraid, both now and as he grows up.

Self-regulation

So how do we help kids start feeling braver? The key is an invisible skill called self-regulation. Self-regulating is essentially the ability to process and manage our own emotions and behaviors in a healthy way. It’s what gives us the ability to talk ourselves down or to feel things without acting on them. Most grown-ups practice self-regulation without a second thought. Think of feeling a moment of fear before reassuring yourself that there’s really nothing scary about a dark room. But for kids, building self-regulation takes time, practice and space to learn — which means parents have get comfortable with letting kids be a little uncomfortable as they figure things out.

Don’t fear fears

“Being afraid sometimes is a normal, healthy part of growing up,” says Elianna Platt, a social worker at the Child Mind Institute. And, while kids do unfortunately sometimes face things that are truly frightening, most garden-variety childhood fears don’t represent an actual threat — the “monster” in the closet is just an old coat you’ve been meaning to donate —  which means they actually present an ideal chance for kids to work on their self-regulation skills. But for that to happen, parents often have to address their own anxiety first.

“We want to give kids the chance to practice getting through difficult situations,” says Platt, “but for a lot of parents, that’s easier said than done.” When you see your child in distress the natural response is to want to make it better, especially if the fix seems like an easy one. But, though jumping in might help your child be less afraid in the moment (and feel better to you), in the long run it can make it more difficult for her to learn how to calm herself down. “If kids get the message that Mom or Dad will always be there to do the comforting, there isn’t much incentive, or opportunity, to learn how to do it themselves,” notes Platt.

How to help

Of course this doesn’t mean withdrawing all support. “We’re not talking about suddenly putting your kid in his dark bedroom and saying “Bye! Be brave! See you in the morning!” says Dr. Rachel Busman, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. The goal she says, is to gently guide kids along until they’re ready to take the reins themselves. “We want to provide the scaffolding they need to stand on their own.”

So what’s the best way to help (without helping too much)?

Help your child talk about what’s frightening him. Kids may know what they’re scared of, but they don’t always have the words to explain. Asking specific questions can help. For example if a child is afraid of dogs you could say, “What makes dogs scary?” “Did a dog surprise you or knock you over?” “Is there a certain dog you’re afraid of?” Once you have a better grasp on what your child is afraid of you’ll have a clearer idea of how to help her work through it.

Some common childhood fears are:

• Being alone

• The dark

• Dogs or other big animals

• Bugs

• Heights

• Getting shots or going to the doctor

• Unfamiliar or loud noises

• Imaginary monsters — the “thing” under the bed, etc.

Validate, then move on. Once you know what the fear is, let your child know you’re taking it, and him, seriously. “When a kid says something’s scary, there’s a pretty good chance that we as adults don’t think it’s scary,” says Dr. Busman. “But we always want to start by validating their feelings.” For example, instead of “Oh come on, that wasn’t scary!” or “What is there to be afraid of?” try, “Wow, that does sound scary!” or, “I know a lot of kids worry about that.”

Once you’ve offered reassurance it’s important to move on quickly, says Dr. Busman. ”We don’t want to dwell on offering comfort around the scary thing, because even that can become reinforcing and take on a life of its own.” Instead, start talking about how you’ll work together to help him start feeling braver and get to the point where he’s able to manage the fear by himself.

Make a plan. Work with your child to set reasonable goals. For example, if she usually needs you to sit in the room with her until she falls asleep, you could agree that by the end of the week she’ll try turning off the light and falling asleep on her own. Once you’ve set the goal, talk through the steps you’ll take to reach it, and be patient.

For example, a plan might be:

• Night one: Agree that you’ll read two books, turn off the lights, put on a nightlight and then sit there quietly with her (no talking or playing) until she falls asleep.

• Night two: Read one book, then turn the lights off and nightlight on. You’ll leave the door cracked and be right outside, but not in the room.

• Night three: Read one book, then nightlight on and door closed.

• Night four: Read one book, then lights out and door closed.

Offer encouragement, and be patient. Finally, parents should remember that change takes time, and fear is a very powerful feeling. Stay consistent and praise your child’s hard work: “I thought it was really brave of you to stay in your room for half an hour. Let’s see if we can go longer tomorrow!”

Let your child know you think he can tackle his fears, even if he isn’t so sure yet. “Saying things like, “You’ve got this!” or, “You’re being so brave!” can help your child feel more confident,” says Dr. Busman. Kids, especially younger ones, may need a few tries before things stick, so don’t give up if your child is still asking for that third glass of water or hiding from dogs on the street even after you’ve started working on building bravery.

Not all fears are the same

Helping kids learn to manage fears they face on a regular basis, like being scared of the dark or afraid of going to the doctor, is essential, but not all fears are created equal.

“Fears that don’t interfere with a child’s life don’t always need getting over,” says Dr. Busman. For example, if a child doesn’t like scary movies, that’s fine. It may actually be a testament to his self-advocacy skills, notes Dr. Busman. “Deciding, ‘I don’t like these, I’m not going to watch’ is your child standing up for his needs and saying, ‘This is my limit.’”

On the other hand, if your child’s fears are persistent, overly intense, or begin interfering with her daily life, it might be time to seek help. Signs that a fear may be something more include:

• Obsessive worrying: Your child fixates on the object of his fear, thinking or talking about it often, or even when the trigger isn’t present. For example, becoming terribly anxious months before his next dentist visit.

• Fears that limit your child’s ability to enjoy her life or participate in activities. For example, refusing to go on a class trip to the park because there might be dogs there.

Intense, specific fears that cause impairment.

Signs of severe anxiety like panic attacks, compulsive or disruptive behavior, or withdrawing from activities, school or family.

If your child’s fears seem like they might be something more serious, make an appointment to talk with a professional to see if more help is necessary.

Adolescence is a notoriously difficult phase of life, and being authentic as a teenager is not an easy task. Think about how hard it is, even as adults, to stay authentic in our own lives. Authenticity is our expression of emotions, reactions, thoughts and ideas that are consistent with our internal experience. It’s what is real and true for us from our perspective and values.  Staying authentic requires self-awareness, confidence, and a willingness to tolerate and work through conflict. When we are authentic we instill confidence and solidify the relationship.

Helping adults and parents are in opportune roles to demonstrate, support, and reinforce the experience of authenticity for teens. Teens report that when their teachers, coaches, counselors, and parents are real and honest with them, they feel more connected in the relationship and know what to expect.  This in turn helps them find their own authentic selves.

One of the best ways to be authentic with teens is to practice transparency when we engage with them. Transparency is demonstrated when our motives and methods are obvious, clear, and out in the open. With teens, we can take it a step further by making a conscious effort to explain the process, our roles, and the reasons we do what we do.

1.Explaining Our Processes

Teenagers love to question authority, and that’s a natural, developmentally appropriate, and positive thing! It’s a critical thinking skill that we want to cultivate and help young people learn to use effectively. When teens are either uncooperative or question our approach or decisions, our willingness to be open and explain the process and our rationale goes a long way to keeping teens engaged. We are even more effective when we anticipate concerns and explain things proactively.

When teachers explain the rationale behind an assignment and the time that went into planning it rather than responding to pushback with demanding redirection, students are likely to be more open to it.  When a coach lays out the agenda for practice and athletes can envision their participation in advance and ask questions, they are more committed in their effort.  And when counselors explain the reason behind the need for a phone call to a parent and offer the teen a part in deciding how best to go about it, the teen is more likely to manage their emotional reaction.  By explaining what we’re doing and why we’re doing it, we likely boost cooperation, and increase teens’ willingness to participate.

2. Clarifying Our Roles

Between family members, teachers, counselors, coaches, and other helping adults, teenagers often have multiple adults in their lives. Teachers may also be coaches. Counselors may also be school administrators. Coaches may also be family friends. So it’s no surprise that they report frequent confusion about our roles and send mixed messages regarding expected behaviors.

If you anticipate situations in which roles may be blurred, be proactive in providing teens with a clear idea of what to expect from you and what you expect from them in such settings. Coaches who are also parents of an athlete on their team can speak to this conflict directly and welcome questions or feedback along the way if decisions seem unfair. A willingness to share your thinking behind a decision supports a transparent approach. Counselors should avoid dual relationships in their work when possible though especially in a school setting this is not always possible.  Speaking to the conflict openly and describing in advance your commitments to confidentiality and your collaborative role with other educators will address concerns, communicate transparency and set expectations in advance of problems. 

3. Fixing Mistakes

Teens need to know that mistakes are an inevitable, and in fact necessary part of life and personal development. This is a fundamental principle but, sadly, not always well modeled by adults.

For example, students often complain that at teacher graded them unfairly, and sometimes it’s true. Owning mistakes, in addition to what is taught in the curriculum, is an important lesson to drive home with youth. Be open to students’ feedback, willing to consider their point of view, and respond with self-correction when arguments compel reconsideration.

If you make a mistake or even contribute in part to a miscommunication, validate the teen’s perspective and own your part in the error. This is an opportunity to demonstrate how to navigate our mistakes as well as our successes. A simple mistake or even reasonable suggestion from a teen, handled openly and skillfully, can actually lead to increased respect and a better working relationship.

4. Admitting When You Don’t Know Something

If a teen asks you a question that stumps you, or something you’ve said in class turns out to be incorrect, it’s a perfect opportunity to model that there is no shame in not knowing something.

Take the example of a student who disagreed with his teacher about an author’s intentions in a book for English class. The teacher insisted the student was wrong.  When the student wrote to the author, he received a written response supporting his view.  He brought this to his teacher and STILL the teacher insisted she was right!  Why??  Adults can sometimes feel tempted to engage in a power struggle or need to be right over simply admitting they were wrong.  A simple, “I stand corrected and thank you for taking the time to look into the matter,” goes a long way.

Teens are experts at detecting phonies, and if they become aware that you’re making up an answer, your credibility goes out the window. Admitting that you don’t know something or that you were wrong shows you’re human, builds credibility (paradoxically!), and makes you relatable.

5. Solving Problems Collaboratively

Teens’ developing executive functioning skills can lead to poor judgment and ineffective decision making in the face of challenges. This is why it’s so important for adults to model the problem-solving process out loud whenever possible and appropriate.

The opportunity to observe an adult’s effective problem solving process when expressed transparently gives teens the opportunity to integrate aspects of your process into their own lives. This means articulating when we experience a dilemma, get stuck on an answer, or are torn on how to proceed.  It also give you yet another opportunity to be authentic. The time it may take to communicate your process and make it visible, may not always be possible, though when we do, it communicates authenticity and leads to closer, more genuine relationships.

6. Providing Honest Feedback

How many times do we tell our students that they must advocate for themselves? Self-advocacy involves giving honest feedback, and this is something we can model by ensuring that the feedback we offer is with diplomacy and a balance of both positive and negative input.

For example, telling an adolescent they are “stubborn” may shut down communication. But telling them they have “strong determination” that in this case is getting in their way can be more useful. We can also explain that this same determination can propel them to success. In doing so, we demonstrate that it is possible to give feedback about a particular behavior without judging the whole person.

Using these 6 skills to promote authenticity in our work with adolescents will strengthen the relationship and lead to greater engagement and commitment toward achieving goals.  It is also a powerful expression of respect, another proven contributor toward effective working relationships with teens.to see if more help is necessary.

There has been a trend sweeping across the country over the past few years, causing widespread concern among parents, schools, and medical professionals from every field. This trend is known as vaping, and it refers to the use of electronic cigarettes. The term itself – vaping – is quite misleading. Vaping sounds as if e-cigarettes produce water vapor, which they most certainly do not. Vaping actually creates an aerosol consisting of very fine particles. Electronic cigarettes, which have been on the market since 2003, were first introduced as a safe alternative to traditional cigarettes. Cigarette smokers would be able to switch to a product that provided a similar experience to smoking without all of the harmful carcinogens. Electronic cigarettes are used by many as a method to quit smoking, although the jury is still out on the efficacy of this method. It is not surprising, though, that the e-cigarette market has extended far beyond former smokers. 

One group which these products have been very successful in attracting is adolescents, and there is one product in particular that has really taken hold among middle and high school students. This product is the Juul, and the use of it is commonly referred to as “Juuling.” The Juul is a vaping device that resembles a flash drive, and can be charged using a USB port. Since its release in June of 2015, Juul has seen a 700 percent increase in sales and as of January, 2018 it accounts for almost half of the e-cigarette market. It is difficult to say how much of its success can be attributed to underage vaping. The legal age for the purchase of tobacco and e-cigarette products in St Louis City and St. Louis County is 21. 

JUUL Labs, which produces the Juul, claims that their products were designed specifically for former adult smokers, and that they in no way advertise to a youth market. Whether they intentionally do so or not, it is clear that a large number of teens who are using vaping products are choosing the Juul. Because of their sleek design and resemblance to flash drives, Juuls are easy to conceal and to use in a number of locations: school, bedrooms, cars, etc. Students even admit to Juuling in the classroom unbeknownst to teachers. The “smoke-like” substance that is exhaled is also quite minimal, which allows for an even greater ease of use. Juul may also be appealing to underage users because of the different flavors that are available. Juul Pods (small plastic containers filled with flavored nicotine liquid) come in traditional tobacco and menthol flavors, but users can also choose from a very wide variety of flavors, including mango, cool cucumber, fruit medley, and crème brulee. The Juul starter pack, which includes a battery, charger, and a 4 pack of pods, retails on their website for $49.99 and refill pods sell for $15.99 (4 pods per pack).  

Each Juul pod, which lasts about 200 puffs, contains 59 mg of nicotine, which is equivalent to a pack of cigarettes. It should be noted that this is one of the highest concentrations of nicotine among all e-cigarette products. Only customers 21 and older are able to buy Juul products from their website. They claim to have a “state of the art age verification process” to make sure that no underage customers are able to purchase their products. This process is simply typing in a name and date of birth. Underage customers can use someone else’s name and DOB; a brother/sister, friend, or even a parent. Juuls are also available at a number of brick and mortar stores throughout the St. Louis area. Along with purchasing Juuls online and from stores, there are thriving black markets for illegal purchases in many of our schools. One student stated, “All of the drug dealers in  my school stopped selling drugs and started selling Juuls; there is more money and less serious consequences if they get caught.” 

One of the major draws of Juuls and other vaping products are the claim that they are safe. Most users believe that there are few to no health risks involved with vaping. These claims are coming from the same industry that made similar claims about cigarettes. The fact is that it is not yet clear the extent to which these products are harmful. This is because there is so little long-term data on the subject. But it is clear that many teenagers and adults alike are under the assumption that vaping is a harmless activity. While Juuls may contain fewer toxic substances than a traditional cigarette, they still contain: 

•  Nicotine 

• Ultrafine particles that are inhaled deep into the lungs 

•  Flavorings such as diacetyl, a chemical linked to serious lung disease 

• Volatile organic compounds 

• Heavy metals, such as nickel, tin, and lead 

These products are being widely used by older children and teenagers. The claim that they are safer than cigarettes may or may not be true, but should that matter to us? E-cigarettes contain nicotine, one of the most addictive drugs in existence. Exposure to this substance during adolescence is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. The part of the brain that is responsible for decision making and impulse control is not yet fully developed during adolescence; young people are more likely to take risks with their health and safety than adults. Adolescents are uniquely at risk for long term, long lasting effects of exposing their brains to nicotine. These risks include addiction, mood disorders, and permanent lowering of impulse control. Nicotine changes how the synapses in the brain are formed, which can harm the parts of the brain that control attention and learning. E-cigarette use among adolescents is also strongly linked to the use of other tobacco products, such as cigarettes and chewing tobacco. Some evidence suggests that ecigarette use is linked to the use of alcohol and other substances. It should be noted that some vaping devices can also be used to smoke marijuana concentrates, such as oils and waxes.  

Juuling does not appear to be a passing trend among teenagers. This is due in part to the fact that these products are so highly addictive. If nicotine addiction is something you or someone you know is struggling with, there are resources available and safe, proven methods for quitting. For more information on this issue, please contact West County Psychological Associates at www.wcpastl.com or call us at 314-275-8599  r toward effective working relationships with teens.to see if more help is necessary.

Have you ever paid your kid for good grades? Have you driven to school to drop off a forgotten assignment? Have you done a college student's laundry? What about coming along to Junior's first job interview?

These examples are drawn from two bestselling books — How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims and The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey. Both are by women writing from their experiences as parents and as educators. Lahey is a teacher and a writer for The New York Times and The Atlantic, currently at work on a new book about teens and addiction. Lythcott-Haims was the longtime freshman dean at Stanford; in 2017, she published the memoir Real American and is working on a sequel to How to Raise an Adult about "how to be an adult."

The books make strikingly similar claims about today's youth and their parents: Parents are "too worried about [their children's] future achievements to allow [them] to work through the obstacles in their path" (Lahey) and "students who seemed increasingly reliant on their parents in ways that felt, simply, off," (Lythcott-Haims).

What is at the core of what's happening with kids and parents today?

Jessica Lahey: Kids are anxious, afraid and risk-averse because parents are more focused on keeping their children safe, content and happy in the moment than on parenting for competence. Furthermore, we as a society [are] so obsessed with learning as a product — grades, scores and other evidence of academic and athletic success — that we have sacrificed learning in favor of these false idols.

Julie Lythcott-Haims: We parents are overprotecting, overdirecting and doing a lot of hand-holding, ostensibly in furtherance of kids' safety — physical, emotional — and security — emotional, academic, reputational, professional, financial. But also in furtherance of our own ego. Our kid becomes chronologically adult but still expects us to tell them what to do and how to do it, and is bewildered by the prospect of having to fend for themselves as an actual independent human. God help them when we are gone.

How are schools playing into this dynamic?

Lahey: Teachers and administrators complain about parents, but we helped create this frenzy ... Teachers have come to accept that parents interfere and co-opt school projects and have begun to take that for granted when grading.

Lythcott-Haims: The other way in which high schools in particular play into the dynamic is during the college admission process, where they feel judged based on the brand names of the colleges their seniors get into, and their incentive is to brag about that.

What can schools (Jessica) and colleges (Julie) do differently to promote a culture of independence and achievement?

Lahey: Schools and parents need to stop blaming each other and work together to show children that we value learning. We can talk about the importance of education all we want, but our kids are too smart to fall for that hypocrisy. As long as we continue to worship grades over learning, scores over intellectual bravery and testable facts over the application of knowledge, kids will never believe us when we tell them that learning is valuable in and of itself.

Lythcott-Haims: Some schools have an explicit policy against parents doing kids' homework and in favor of kids raising issues and concerns themselves rather than relying on their parents to do so. These schools are part of the solution.

Some colleges kowtow to this over involvement of parents in the lives of college students, but they're the exception. Some schools are taking a proactive approach to this problem by trying to normalize struggle, such as the "Resilience Project" at Stanford that shows videos of professors, students and alumni talking about their own failures. Some legitimize these matters further by embedding it into the curriculum through classes and workshops on positive psychology, such as Stanford's course "The Science of Well-Being" or Harvard's mindfulness workshops offered in small groups in the residences.

What are the worst-case scenarios here? What's so bad about a little coddling before our kids hit the cold, cruel world?

Lythcott-Haims: I'm all for love between parent and child from now until forever. What I'm concerned about is when coddling means a kid doesn't acquire the skills they're going to need out in the real world.

I get the sense from reading the reactions to your books that parents want to find a way out of this, but they don't always know how — and you both have shared that you feel that you yourselves have been implicated in this kind of "overparenting" at times. What do you tell other parents?

Lahey: I simply wrote the book I needed but could not find on bookstore shelves. I read everything — all the books, academic articles, dramatic headlines, and while they all clarified that I was going about this whole parenting thing wrong, no one offered a strategy. I felt called to action but had no way forward. That's the book I wrote, one-third research, two-thirds strategy, and I hope it gives other parents a way forward, too.

Lythcott-Haims: Look, once upon a time I was a finger-wagging dean tut-tutting parents for being so involved in the lives of their college freshmen. I thought, "What's the matter, folks? Don't you trust your kid can do this, just like you were able to do? "Then when my own kids were 8 and 10, I realized I was still cutting their meat. I got the connection between overinvolved parenting in childhood and not being able to let go at 18.

Three things parents can do right away:

• Stop saying "we" when you mean your kid. "We" aren't on the travel soccer team, "we" aren't doing the science project, and "we" aren't applying to college. These are their efforts and achievements. We need to go get our own hobbies to brag about.

• Stop arguing with all of the adults in our kids' lives. As Jess well knows, teachers are under siege from overinvolved parents insistent upon engineering the perfect outcomes for their kids. Principals, coaches and referees see the same thing. If there's an issue that needs to be raised with these folks, we do best for our kids in the long run if we've taught them how to raise concerns on their own.

• Stop doing their homework. Teachers end up not knowing what their students actually know, it's highly unethical, and worst of all, it teaches kids, "Hey kid, you're not actually capable of doing any of this on your own."

Lahey: Julie made me giggle a little there. I'm forever asking parents to stop saying "we" when it comes to the college-application process. I was talking to a former student's mother about her son's essay on the phone (I know, I know, Exhibit A, but I was invested in educating that mother) and I reminded her about adopting a "he" versus "we" and "his" versus "ours" mindset when it came to his college application. Not five minutes later, she told me she "just wanted to double-check our essay one last time before hitting 'send' on our application." Oy vey. I had to concede defeat on that one.

How do you respond to the criticism that the problems you're describing affect only privileged kids?

Lahey: Guilty ... However, just because some kids are suffering more than others from a particular kind of trauma — whether that's poverty or depression or anxiety — that does not mean that the trauma is not worth our time or our ink. The good news is that the effects of high anxiety and academic pressure are far easier to heal than poverty, violence and childhood trauma.

Lythcott-Haims: It's a true statement and I don't see it as criticism, actually. If the kids subjected to this type of parenting weren't suffering greater rates of anxiety and depression than the general population, then maybe we could wave this off as not-a-real problem. But they are suffering; there's no way around that fact.

In the years since these books were first published, both Lahey and Lythcott-Haims have traveled widely to speak to parents and school groups and audiences like TED. They both say that much has changed.

Lahey: I've talked to thousands and thousands of kids, parents and teachers about how parenting styles affect learning, and I have to say: I'm optimistic. The parents who show up at Gift of Failure events are eager to learn and do better for their kids. They want their kids to feel connected and competent and are willing to do what it takes, even if that means giving up some control over their kids' lives.

Lythcott-Haims: I used to spend a lot of time trying to convince parents that overparenting exists, and is problematic, but I don't have to do that anymore. Everyone seems to know someone in their own family or friend group who's doing it, even if they can't quite face it in themselves ...

What hasn't changed is that parents still say, "Aren't we just doing what we have to do in order for our kids to succeed in this system?" In other words, they use high school and college admission requirements as their excuse for overparenting. My response is: If "the system," or the norms in your town, are impeding your kid's development into a whole, healthy human who can do for themselves, you have to be brave enough to opt out..to see if more help is necessary.

The arrival of spring is often prime time for hay fever, but adolescents seem to be able to develop an allergy to their parents, either intermittent or chronic, at any time of the year. This allergy usually has a sudden onset around age 13 and can last for months or, in some cases, years. While it’s no fun to become the parent who cannot order food or hum along to a song without irritating his or her own child, we’re better able to ride out this temporary adolescent affliction when we appreciate its causes.

Growing up involves becoming separate from our parents. This project often begins in early adolescence with an abrupt and powerful urge to distinguish oneself from the adults at home. It’s no small task for teenagers to detach from those who have superintended nearly every aspect of their lives so far.

As teenagers begin to disentangle from their folks, they inevitably sort a parent’s every behavior and predilection into one of two categories: those they reject, and those they intend to adopt. Unfortunately for the peace of the household, each of these categories creates its own problem for teenagers intent on establishing their individuality.

You may think nothing of wearing dated athletic shoes, but if your teenager doesn’t agree with your choice of footwear he may, at least for a while, find it unbearable. Why should it matter to him what’s on your feet? Because his identity is still interwoven with yours; until he’s had time to establish his own look, your style can cramp his.

Given this, you’d think that teenagers wouldn’t be allergic to the proclivities they share with their parents. But they are, precisely because the interests are mutual.

The son of a colleague stopped running with his dad once his membership on the cross-country team became the organizing force of his high school identity. The boy still ran, of course, but now with friends or alone. He could not, at least in the near term, feel separate from his father and still go out jogging with him.

In short, adults can find themselves in a season of parenting when nothing they do sits right with their teenagers.

While we wait for this season to pass, what should we do when our teenager can hardly stand how we operate our turn signals?

For starters, we might view it as a reassuring marker of normal development. While we know, intuitively, that our children will not always admire and enjoy us the way they often do when they are young, it’s easier to part with our pedestals when we remember that our adolescents’ new allergies herald the next chapter in our relationships with them.

From there, we can either ignore their annoyance or remind our children that they are free to be aggravated, but not rude. If necessary, we can gently point out that it won’t be long before they’ll be driving and operating the turn signals just as they please.

Finally, we can sometimes welcome teenage self-consciousness as an opportunity to connect. When I was growing up and a friend of mine’s allergy to his parents was at its absolute height, his mother would allow him to choose her outfit when they needed to attend school events together. Of course the case can be made against indulging adolescent hypersensitivities. But the case can also be made that eighth-grade orientation is already stressful enough. If wearing one sweater rather than another makes little difference to you, why not do what you can to ease your tween’s mind?

As for my colleague, he dearly missed going on runs with his son, just as many parents of adolescents long for the days when their preteen laughed at their jokes and happily came along on errands. We are rarely as ready to separate from our teenagers as they are ready to separate from us.

Even when you don’t take your child’s secession from your union personally, it still hurts. Having other interests and supportive relationships can help. Go out for coffee with friends whose teenagers also look at them askance and reassure your wife that she’s still got it, even if her dance moves do cause your ninth-grade daughter to break out in hives.

For teenagers whose allergies manifest as persistent disrespect, laying down some ground rules can help. A wise friend of mine tells her adolescent son that he can be friendly, polite, or clear about needing some time alone; insolence, however, is off the table. And though it’s painful to be treated as an irritant, holding a grudge can sour those unexpected moments when even the most reactive teenager welcomes our company.

Once teenagers have had time and space to establish their own skills, interests and tastes, their allergic response to their parents usually dies down. Plus, neurological development is on our side. As they age, adolescents’ evolving cognitive capacities allow them to think beyond seeing their parents only as being like, or unlike, how they themselves want to be.

Now they can sort what they see in us into categories that could not exist before. We can have bothersome quirks that our teenagers view as entirely our own; we can have characteristics they admire, but don’t care to cultivate. And our teenagers can embrace interests that they happen to share with us.

Teenagers’ allergies to their parents may make a brief return at moments when they want tight control of their personal brands — such as during college visits, or when highly regarded peers are nearby. But at some point you may be able to return to blowing goodbye kisses without causing your teenager anything more than mild discomfort. And your dance moves might even get a little long overdue respect, too.

Lisa Damour (@LDamour) is a psychologist in Shaker Heights, Ohio, and the author of “Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood.”

Raising mentally strong kids who are equipped to take on real-world challenges requires parents to give up the unhealthy — yet popular — parenting practices that are robbing kids of mental strength.

Of course, helping kids build mental muscle isn’t easy — it requires parents to be mentally strong as well. Watching kids struggle, pushing them to face their fears, and holding them accountable for their mistakes is tough. But those are the types of experiences kids need to reach their greatest potential.

Parents who train their children’s brains for a life of meaning, happiness, and success, avoid these 13 things:

1. They Don’t Condone A Victim Mentality

Getting cut from the soccer team or failing a class doesn’t make your child a victim. Rejection, failure, and unfairness are part of life. Rather than allow kids to host pity parties or exaggerate their misfortune, mentally strong parents encourage their children to turn their struggles into strength. They help them identify ways in which they can take positive action, despite their circumstances.

2. They Don’t Parent Out Of Guilt

Guilty feelings can lead to a long list of unhealthy parenting strategies — like giving in to your child after you’ve said no or overindulging your child on the holidays. Mentally strong parents know that although guilt is uncomfortable, it’s tolerable. They refuse to let their guilty feelings get in the way of making wise choices.

3. They Don’t Make Their Child The Center Of The Universe

It can be tempting to make your life revolve around your child. But kids who think they’re the center of the universe grow up to be self-absorbed and entitled. Mentally strong parents teach their kids to focus on what they have to offer the world — rather than what they’re owed.

4. They Don’t Allow Fear To Dictate Their Choices

Keeping your child inside a protective bubble could spare you a lot of anxiety. But keeping kids too safe stunts their development. Mentally strong parents view themselves as guides, not protectors. They allow their kids to go out into the world and experience life, even when it’s scary to let go.

5. They Don’t Give Their Child Power Over Them

Kids who dictate what the family is going to eat for dinner, or those who orchestrate how to spend their weekends, have too much power.  Becoming more like an equal — or even the boss — isn’t healthy for kids. Mentally strong parents empower kids to make appropriate choices while maintaining a clear hierarchy.

6. They Don’t Expect Perfection

High expectations are healthy, but expecting too much from kids will backfire. Mentally strong parents recognize that their kids are not going to excel at everything they do. Rather than push their kids to be better than everyone else, they focus on helping them become the best versions of themselves.

7. They Don’t Let Their Child Avoid Responsibility

You won’t catch a mentally strong parent saying things like, “I don’t want to burden my kids with chores. Kids should just be kids.” They expect children to pitch in and learn the skills they need to become responsible citizens. They proactively teach their kids to take responsibility for their choices and they assign them age-appropriate duties.

8. They Don’t Shield Their Child From Pain

It’s tough to watch kids struggle with hurt feelings or anxiety. But, kids need practice and first-hand experience tolerating discomfort. Mentally strong parents provide their kids with the support and help they need coping with pain so their kids can gain confidence in their ability to deal with whatever hardships life throws their way.

9. They Don’t Feel Responsible For Their Child’s Emotions

It can be tempting to cheer your kids up when they’re sad or calm them down when they’re angry. But, regulating your kids’ emotions for them prevents them from gaining social and emotional skills. Mentally strong parents teach their children how to be responsible for their own emotions so they don’t depend on others to do it for them.

10. They Don’t Prevent Their Child From Making Mistakes

Whether your child gets a few questions wrong on his math homework or he forgets to pack his cleats for soccer practice, mistakes can be life’s greatest teacher. Mentally strong parents let their kids mess up — and they allow them to face the natural consequences of their actions.

11. They Don’t Confuse Discipline With Punishment

Punishment is about making kids suffer for their wrongdoing. Discipline is about teaching them how to do better in the future. And while mentally strong parents do give out consequences, their ultimate goal is to teach kids to develop the self-discipline they’ll need to make better choices down the road.

12. They Don’t Take Shortcuts To Avoid Discomfort

Giving in when a child whines or doing your kids’ chores for them, is fast and easy. But, those shortcuts teach kids unhealthy habits. It takes mental strength to tolerate discomfort and avoid those tempting shortcuts.

13. They Don’t Lose Sight Of Their Values

In today’s fast-paced world it’s easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day business of homework, chores, and sports practices. Those hectic schedules — combined with the pressure to look like parent of the year on social media —cause many people to lose sight of what’s really important in life. Mentally strong parents know their values and they ensure their family lives according to them.

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist and the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do. 

Stress and depression can ruin your holidays and hurt your health. Being realistic, planning ahead and seeking support can help ward off stress and depression.

The holiday season often brings unwelcome guests — stress and depression. And it's no wonder. The holidays present a dizzying array of demands — parties, shopping, baking, cleaning and entertaining, to name just a few.

But with some practical tips, you can minimize the stress that accompanies the holidays. You may even end up enjoying the holidays more than you thought you would.

Tips to prevent holiday stress and depression

When stress is at its peak, it's hard to stop and regroup. Try to prevent stress and depression in the first place, especially if the holidays have taken an emotional toll on you in the past.

1. Acknowledge your feelings. If someone close to you has recently died or you can't be with loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness and grief. It's OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.

2. Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship. Volunteering your time to help others also is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships.

3. Be realistic. The holidays don't have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones. For example, if your adult children can't come to your house, find new ways to celebrate together, such as sharing pictures, emails or videos.

4. Set aside differences. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don't live up to all of your expectations. Set aside grievances until a more appropriate time for discussion. And be understanding if others get upset or distressed when something goes awry. Chances are they're feeling the effects of holiday stress and depression, too.

5. Stick to a budget. Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Don't try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts.

Try these alternatives:

• Donate to a charity in someone's name.

• Give homemade gifts.

• Start a family gift exchange.

6. Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus and then make your shopping list. That'll help prevent last-minute scrambling to buy forgotten ingredients. And make sure to line up help for party prep and cleanup.

7. Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can't participate in every project or activity. If it's not possible to say no when your boss asks you to work overtime, try to remove something else from your agenda to make up for the lost time.

8. Don't abandon healthy habits. Don't let the holidays become a free-for-all. Overindulgence only adds to your stress and guilt. 

Try these suggestions:

• Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you don't go overboard on sweets, cheese or drinks. 

• Get plenty of sleep.

• Incorporate regular physical activity into each day.

9. Take a breather. Make some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm. Some options may include: Taking a walk at night and stargazing. Listening to soothing music. Getting a massage. Reading a book.

Some options may include:

• Taking a walk at night and stargazing.

• Listening to soothing music.

• Getting a massage.

• Reading a book

10. Seek professional help if you need it. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and hopeless, and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional.'t Do. 

The first step to harmony is teaching your child to listen and follow directions.

One of the most important keys to minimizing problem behavior is making sure that kids are getting the message you’re trying to send. When it comes to parenting, sometimes the way instructions are given can be just as important as what you’re trying to communicate.

Here are ways to present information to your children to make it more likely that they’ll hear you, and comply:

• Be direct. Make statements rather than asking questions: “Please sit down,” as opposed to “Are you ready to get out your homework?”

• Be close. Give instructions when you are near the child, rather than calling out from across the room.

• Use clear and specific commands. Instead of “Go ahead,” say, “Please go start your reading assignment.”

• Give age-appropriate instructions. Speak to your child at a level he will understand. If your child is younger, keep things simple and use words you know he knows: “Please pick up the ball.” With older children, who are so often keenly aware of not being “babies anymore” it’s important to be clear without being patronizing.

• Give instructions one at a time. Especially for kids who have attention challenges, try to avoid giving a series of instructions: “Please put on your sneakers, get your lunch off the kitchen counter, and meet me in the front hall.

• Keep explanations simple. Giving a rationale can increase the likelihood children will listen to a command, but not if the commands gets lost in it. For instance: “Go get your coat on because it’s raining and I don’t want you to catch a cold.” Instead, try: “It’s raining and I don’t want you to catch a cold. Go get your coat on.”

• Give kids time to process. After you give an instruction, wait a few seconds, without repeating what you said. Children then learn to listen to calm instructions given once rather than learning that they don’t need to listen because the instructions will be repeated. Watching and waiting also helps keep adults from doing what we’ve requested of our kids for them.ings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional.'t Do.