David's Daily "Tips" 2

Tip 1*. Remember the magic words. Abracadabra, open sesame, and 这种破事儿 (Zhè zhǒng pò shì er).

Tip 2*. White people can't play magneto.

Tip 3*. Know the difference between lemons and lemon juice.

Tip 4*. You want to know the real reason your readers left you? It wasn't the not uploading, or the updating the website at odd hours, or the rage! It was the filler! No tips ever bad, is it? Your tips suck? Blame school. You hate school? Blame the world. You get kicked off the website? Blame Owen. You force me to read and yell that I don't know real comedy? Blame your brain—you are your fucking brain, you dipshit! 

Tip 5*. 21 pilots is so bad that the other 19 pilots killed themselves.

Tip 6*. If you take 5 five hour energies, you enter the forbidden hour.

Tip 7*. They kidnap you the second you turn 23 btw.

Tip 8*. In a field of horses, be a unicorn.

Tip 9*. You want a promotion, break out the lotion.