Parenting in today's society isn't easy. Parents are up against technology, social media, and other outside chatter that can lead kids down paths that parents never intended for them to have to encounter so early in life. This is why the village concept is so important. It truly takes a community of trusted adults to help youth thrive and grow. The websites and videos below are full of knowledge that can help you understand more about the challenges that students are facing, in addition to providing great tools that you can use to help in parenting today's youth. 

If you ever have questions, concerns, or want to schedule an appointment to discuss anything, feel free to reach out to your child's counselor: https://sites.google.com/bisdmail.net/hmscounselingcenter/counseling-appointments. 

You can also find support and resources using the following link: https://sites.google.com/bisdmail.net/hmscounselingcenter/support-and-resources.

                                       LOVE & LOGIC Article   Why Lecturing Isn’t Working – And What to Do Instead

Recently some concerned parents called us about their son and some poor choices that he made in school. They were seeking advice regarding how they initially approached the situation, which included lectures about what he must do to address his behavior. Through our conversation, they learned that listening might allow them to help their son learn from his mistakes. Listening might also shed light on the underlying problem that led to his poor choices.

Our brains are amazing organs that give us the ability to do marvelous things, including the ability to speak and communicate effectively with each other. These same brains can also be triggered by external events that cause us to speak and communicate ineffectively, such as by responding with anger, threats, and lecturing.

Most parents have a part of the brain devoted exclusively to lecturing kids about doing the right thing, eating the right way, doing their homework, and making sure their chores are done. For most adults, this part of the brain remains dormant—until we are confronted with what we perceive as outrageous behavior on the part of a child. As a parent or teacher, have you ever been amazed at how easily and automatically a good lecture rolls off the tongue?

One of the fundamental principles of physics is that every action has a reaction. This principle can also be applied to our brains. When lecturing starts, kids are immediately triggered and become defensive. They react by shrinking their learning and listening abilities.

We can learn much from our mistakes as well as from those made by others. Over the past 47 years, we’ve noticed that successful parents and educators understand the following concept:

The more words we use when kids are misbehaving or acting irresponsibly, the less effective we become.

Instead of lecturing, successful parents and educators have learned to ask open-ended questions in a calm and empathetic tone of voice. Kids test us to see if we will love and accept them regardless of what they may do. When we show them empathy and ask open-ended questions, three important and powerful things happen.

First, open-ended questions show others that we can and want to understand their viewpoint. Second, these questions encourage people to do plenty of thinking. Open-ended questions create a lack of closure deep within the psyche. Humans yearn for closure and they sort of go nuts when they don’t have it. Even when our kids don’t answer our questions verbally, their subconscious minds can’t resist the urge to give them plenty of thought. Finally, it gives us the opportunity to listen, to demonstrate that we understand, and to express empathy.

Some examples of open-ended questions include:

• What do you think about how you’re doing in school right now?

• What are your ideas on whether bikes, like your new one, ever get stolen?

• What are your thoughts on kids experimenting with drugs?

• How do you think some kids put themselves in danger while chatting on the internet?

• How are you going to pay for that toy? (When a toddler takes a toy off a shelf at a store)

Listening to our youngsters’ opinions—even when they’re silly, strange, or downright scary—dramatically increases the odds that they’ll listen when it’s our turn to speak.

Think about it—do children have control over whether they listen to us, even when we don’t give them this control? You bet! Do stubborn kids know this? Definitely! Whenever we pretend to have control over things we clearly do not, it erodes their respect for us and creates a battle they cannot resist.

Some of the best opportunities for listening instead of lecturing occur when kids do the unexpected. For tips on how to handle these situations, listen to our audio, Oh Great! What Do I Do Now?

Thanks for reading!

If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.

Dr. Charles Fay