Events and Workshops

Helping Your Child Grow Without Rescuing or Lecturing

By this time in the school year, many parents are starting to hear a common complaint from their kids, “My teacher is mean!” It’s natural for parents to step in and solve problems like these in their kids’ lives. But if we don’t allow them to solve their own problems, we can make things harder in the long run. Here are two common traps that can catch even well-meaning parents.

Trap #1: The Rescuer

In response to a complaint about a mean teacher, a parent says, “Don’t worry, honey, I’ll call your teacher and straighten this out.” With this response, the child is learning that someone else will always step in to fix the problem.

Trap #2: The Lecturer

In another response to a complaint that a teacher is making unreasonable demands, a parent might say, with a frustrated tone of voice, “Well, if you’d just try harder on your homework, your teacher wouldn’t be upset.” Because of the lack of empathy and guidance, the child feels blamed and unsupported.

A Better Way: Empathy First

Love and Logic parents know that empathy is the most important skill. They understand that kids grow stronger when they learn how to get along with all kinds of teachers, nice ones as well as demanding ones. These parents might respond with empathy, saying, “That’s got to be rough. Would you like to hear how some kids get along with tough teachers?”

Kids Learn Best When We Resist the Urge to Rescue or Lecture

In our classic audio, Shaping Self-Concept, you’ll learn how to shift from fixing their problems to guiding them with empathy—so they can grow into confident, capable problem-solvers ready for the real world. Every teacher is different—and helping kids adjust to those differences builds resilience and confidence that lasts a lifetime.

https://www.loveandlogic.com

                                              LOVE & LOGIC Article - Is Tech Hurting Your Kids? Discover Smart Ways to Set Limits

Technology is a wonderful tool when used appropriately. It is amazing to me that I can use my phone to conference with coworkers and clients from almost anywhere in the world. I am also extremely thankful for the GPS system that guides me turn by turn to where I need to go. Without this high-tech resource, I’d be lost. Technology is awesome and I am a great fan of it.

However, technology can be terrible when misused. There is much evidence suggesting that heavy tech usage, such as with phones, internet, social media, video games, can increase the risk of anxiety, depression, impulsivity, substance abuse, and more. This is an especially worrisome problem with many of our kids today.

Although the basics of parenting remain the same, rapidly evolving technology involving cell phones and the Internet have left many parents wondering what limits are appropriate, how to hold their children accountable for misuse of technology, and how to help kids learn the decision-making skills required to make healthy technology choices when they leave home.

There is good news! Even though these modern issues can be very challenging, we can achieve positive outcomes by applying some age-old parenting truths:

• Kids need limits

• Limits are best set through actions instead of hollow threats

• When kids make poor decisions, they need to experience natural or logical consequences

• Consequences are always more effective when loving empathy is provided first

• Our kids will learn how to live their lives by watching us

Listed below are a few examples of essential limits related to devices and technology:

• You may have your tablet only if there is no arguing when I ask you to shut it off.

• Feel free to have a cell phone when you can pay for the entire cost.

• We allow kids to have their internet-connectable devices only if they check them in with us each night. We’ll return them in the morning only if there are no problems.

• I’ve met plenty of good people who’ve ended up doing bad things on the Internet. That’s why your mom has all my passwords and is free to see my history. You may have this device only if you do the same. Everyone needs someone to hold them accountable.

• I’m shutting my phone off so that I can give you 100% of my attention. Thanks for doing the same.

We’ve recently introduced a new audio resource, Healthy Kids and Families in a Technology-Filled World, designed to support parents in managing their children’s tech usage. This audio features five key principles to help you maintain loving and respectful relationships while preventing unhealthy power struggles and sneaky behavior. These principles will equip you to navigate the complex challenges that technology can bring. Don’t miss out—listen now to start fostering a healthier family dynamic in a tech-driven world.

Thanks for reading!

If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.

Dr. Charles Fay

Love & Logic Article: Tired of Repeating Yourself?

“That boy is going to be the death of me. He never listens. I tell him and I tell him, but do you think he cares what I say? No, not in the least! I don’t know how he is going to learn if he never listens.”

We’ve all heard a parent who talks like this and, like us, you might think to yourself, “Now we know the problem—too many words.”

How old were you when you learned to shut out your parents’ lectures? Lectures didn’t work for our parents, and they will seldom work for us. They don’t even bring out the best in our spouses.

The best rule of thumb is:

• Keep it short.

• Keep it polite.

• Make it a question.

Here is an example of how you might start a conversation with your kids. “I noticed that you were being a bit snippy with your friends when we were in the car. Do you ever worry about losing their friendship because of that?”

It’s possible you might get a snippy answer like, “No, besides it’s none of your business.”

Instead of lecturing, stick with your polite questions, delivered calmly and with empathy. “Oh, that might be true, but if not, do you have a plan? Good luck.”

Polite questions get kids thinking.
Lecturing shuts the door to listening.

It can be a supreme challenge to avoid lectures and too many words when your kids are pushing your buttons. Find practical tips to help you stay calm and build stronger connections with your kids, even in tough moments, in our audio Keeping Cool When Parenting Heats Up.

Thanks for reading!

If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend. Our goal is to help as many families as possible.

Jim Fay