Services Offered

The Enhanced David Experience

Now of course, a David in as-is condition is pretty fantastic by itself, but did you know that for a small price you can upgrade your David to more closely fit your personal needs? Listed below are some of the ways you can personalize your David. Some restrictions apply. While supplies last.

Facial Recognition

Tired of hearing "oh yeah I remember you...you're that person...from that place"? For $10, I'll memorize your face so that, when we run into each other, I won't have to awkwardly pretend to know who you are.

Ask about our premium packages:

  • The Name Recall Package ($15)

  • The Voice Recognition Package ($20)

  • The Wingman Package ($50/event)

Wakeup Call

Keep sleeping through your alarm? For $5 per day for as many days of the week as you choose, I'll call you in the morning and chat for 5-10 minutes to wake you up.

Ask about our premium packages:

  • The Lullaby Package ($5/night, $2 on nights with wakeup call)

  • The Call and Pretend to Be Someone Needing You so You Can Get out of Something Package ($5/call, when available).

"I'm Sad; Fix It"

For $10, I'll use my patented stress/depression reduction technique on you. My thought process is so random and funny that I'll never fail to put a smile on your face and take your mind off what's troubling you.

Ask about our premium packages:

  • The Shoulder to Cry On Package ($15)

  • The Musical Package ($15)

  • The Feign Empathy Package ($20)

Self-Esteem Boost

Ever feel like you're a useless piece of human garbage who doesn't deserve to exist and has nothing to live for? For $10 I'll make up reasons you're amazing and give encouragement. Consultation required.

Ask about our premium packages:

  • The Like My Posts Package ($1/post, buy three get one free)

  • The Long Heartfelt Message Package ($3/message)

  • The Confess My Flaws to Make You Feel Better Package ($20)

Personal Googler

For a small price of $5 per search, if you ask me a question, I'll pretend to know the answer when in actuality what I'm doing is just Googling the answer, which you could've just done.

Ask about our premium packages:

  • The Correct Answer/Check Multiple Sources Package ($10)

  • The Thorough Explanation Package ($10)

  • The Bing Package ($1000)