Anger is such a misunderstood emotion. So often I hear clients refer to anger as something “problematic” or “undesired” that they want to “eliminate” from their lives; however, the truth of the matter is, anger is a natural and healthy emotion we all possess. The emotion, anger, in and of itself is not “problematic,” sometimes the actions we chose to make based in that emotion may be. Both within personal and professional experience, I have seen the impact negative behavior based from anger can have on individuals and the people around them. When left unchecked, behavior based on any emotion can be an issue, as generally acting out of emotion is reckless and illogical. 

How can we better understand anger and our other emotions, too? When working with clients, feelings are a major role in therapeutic work. Therefore, it’s my responsibility as the therapist to help my client better assess and gain awareness of their emotions. For instance, a person may present for anger management, and after delving into experiences, we find that the underlying emotion is hurt or fear. Anger, though a healthy and important emotion, is sometimes used as a defense mechanism to isolate or hide from the root feelings. It is also quite possible that through processing what feelings are present, multiple emotions may be occurring at the same time. This is normal and even healthy, exhibiting factors of emotional maturity.  

We are each responsible for our own emotions and for the decisions we make regarding our actions. Understanding that anger is okay and valid, allows a person to accept the feeling, consider how they want to respond and then make a conscious decision to act. For example, a healthy expression of anger might include: assessing and recognizing the anger, taking time to think before speaking and then making a statement to the person with whom you are feeling angry using, the “I feel…” model to explain. For some, taking time to cool off may be a necessary step in addition, before addressing the person you feel anger towards. Calling “time-out” or “pause” during confrontation, as needed, is beneficial and can be effective in conflict resolution.  Learning how to effectively communicate our emotions significantly reduces the “knee-jerk” reactions we may have found ourselves using previously. If you are having difficulty understanding and/or managing your anger and/or other emotions, individual, couples or family counseling may be helpful in finding the answers you’ve been seeking. Just know, it’s okay to feel angry, and all of your other emotions, too.

10/17/2018

Relationships are sometimes hard. It can be difficult to mesh two personalities into one reciprocally beneficial bond. Often in working with couples in counseling, there seems to be a presenting issue, which one partner is displaying and the other has grown weary in figuring out how to deal. Very rarely is a relational issue one-sided and lying fully responsible to one person.  As individuals, we may take an approach to our relationships that is more “me” focused than “us” focused, meaning we say “what is this relationship/the other person doing for me?” instead of “what can I do for this relationship/us?” 

Being hurt by people is a part of life we all face, as is hurting people. This is not to say we all walk around with the intention of hurting one another and waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. Instead, it means that as individuals we all have past wounds, current stresses, values, beliefs, feelings and thoughts that differ from those with whom we have relationships. If only our feelings were only hurt when someone intentionally did or said something, it would be easier to navigate. 

It can be difficult to know how to address the person who hurt us and say what we are feeling and thinking for various reasons. These may include a lack of knowing how to communicate the thoughts and feelings, an expectation that the other person should simply know what you are thinking or feeling or the idea that the problem will go away and/or resolve on its own.  Despite the reason we put off addressing our feelings, an impact takes place in the relationship that creates distance, disconnectedness, pain and misunderstanding. Taking responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions as an individual, and allowing our partners to do the same, takes a great deal of practice and requires the perspective shift from “me” to “us.” 

Practical ways to begin taking ownership in our relationships is to share what we are experiencing in the moment, and avoiding holding onto past hurts. When we work together in healthy communication, we often find that the act alone has cathartic power to alleviate hurt we have been experiencing. Lack of healthy communication is one of the most prevalent issues that couples face and can have the most devastating effect.

Communication is equally knowing how to speak and knowing how to listen. Couples often struggle with one or both roles in communicating with their partner. For the speaker, it is important to check in first with the listener to see if they are mentally, emotionally and physically able to listen, and for the listener, it is vital that they are honest and fully able to invest in active listening. When conversation is invited, the speaker is best advised to remain factual and use “I statements” which reflect ownership of one’s own feelings and thoughts. The listener is encouraged to clarify understanding with the speaker by reflecting what they hear the speaker saying and asking if it’s correct. If the speaker is making a behavioral request, it is important that the listener acknowledges understanding and only agrees to make behavior changes if they intend to follow through. Both partners should take turn being speaker and listener, and simplify conversations by addressing only one issue at a time. 

Seeking help can become “last resort” when a couple feels like they have tried everything else. My encouragement would be, if you notice a drift in your relationship, act now. Working with a professional to facilitate healthy communication and address issues that have gone unresolved for far too long can instill hope, renewal and reconnection that your relationship has been missing for far too long. Relationships are a human issue that everyone struggles to fully navigate and understand, and the good news is, we do not have to do it alone. 

08/17/2018

Transitions are challenging whether they are positive, negative, expected or unexpected. In life, people face a wide range of transitions. From birth to death individuals develop physically, mentally and emotionally. Throughout the personal developmental changes, there are events that occur externally and force us to adapt. These occurrences may include things such as school, marriage, divorce, buying and/or selling a home, new careers or retirement, having a child, losing a family member or loved one, amongst many other endless possibilities. 

Transition is an inevitable part of life that produces stress and all experience stress differently. Regardless of what is experienced, often people find themselves trying to feel something else. For instance, positive transitions (i.e. marriage, buying a home, going to college, etc.) may expectedly cause joy, excitement and happiness; however, these positive transitions may also elicit sadness, frustration and worry. Societally, there is a pressure to hide, avoid or ignore these more “negative” emotions; therefore, it can consequently lead to feelings of guilt or shame if one does not feel the way they think they “should.” 

How much easier could it be to make these transitions if people allowed themselves to identify, process and cope with whatever thoughts and emotions arise? During times of change, it is important to be intentional in taking time to practice effective coping and self-care practices. When someone comes into counseling for assistance in adjusting to a new season of life, goals may include finding effective ways to experience and express emotions, alleviate stress associated and discover strategies to minimize distress. Counseling in itself is a process of change, from where a person is, to where they want to be. There can be intense healing and humble self-acceptance through the journey of transition.

08/21/19