❌ Satire ❔ 

The kid who talks back

By Haiden Kemp

Day one, term three, January 30th, 2023, in room 219 at AESS. The day was going smoothly until Max Gross decided to break bad by saying, “you’re my warmup,” to Mr. Fuerth, who was trying to quiet down the class. He told Max to say after class for detention.  

All of the students were sitting in the classroom and the day was just starting when Max began his decent to the office and eventually jail for threatening a teacher. All the kids in the classroom gathered around at the windows to see Max get dragged out of the school into the police car. 

It is common for students to be sent to the office but in this case old man Fuerth made a huge deal out of warmup. What Max did was not ok but not court level bad either. 

We interviewed a few students who were in class that day. They said he was unbelievably disrespectful to Mr. Fuerth. 

This whole thing started from Max calling him warmup, but farther back in time, Max and Mr. Fuerth have had a rivalry, and this just sparked them even more. Max used to terrorize Mr. Fuerth all through grade 7. Max would never give him a break, one time he did, but then both had not talked for 10 months until Max had Mr. Fuerth’s class again this year. That’s when it all went downhill on Max’s behalf. 

Mr. Fuerth does appear to be pressing charges on Max for verble abuse. Court dates have been set for February 15th, 2023. 

There is no further information. 

Reading: A foreign act to most teenagers 

By Olivia Williams

Test your memory by thinking back to the last time you picked up a book, and for that matter, actually read it. If it takes minimal effort for you to recall your previous experience with such a thing, you now have the right to pride yourself in being a part of the approximate 20% of teenage society. Recent studies show that an average 20% of teenagers read for pleasure or enjoyment, and have read a book within the past year. Although, with that number in mind, we’re left with roughly 80% on the opposing side. That is a great increase from even just 40 years ago: 40 years ago, only about 40% of teenagers had no interest in reading, while a larger 60% did. Whether the cause is due to more exposure to social media, video games, or other online, technology enrolled activities, people in general, but specifically teenagers, are reading significantly less. 

 Not reading enough, or precisely, not reading at all, has many crucial long and short term effects. It can result in the lessening of your ability to comprehend, learn, and take in information, as well as the development of your writing skills. There’s no denying that these are all key skills in order to do so many further things, such as having a genuine conversation, listening to others, and remembering the things you read and hear. Basic abilities that people put into action every day can be remarkably increased by reading, although it’s something we seem to have forgotten.  

What will this do to our future as a whole? If this pattern continues, how will it impact our further generations? The concern is to be determined, but expectations as to what is to come can and are being made. Will we save this distant activity from escaping our lives? 

Letter from the editor  - this one is not satire, I just included it here as there weren't a lot of satire stories written yet.

Local school finally provides a decent lunch

By Nicho Cristow

Surprising both kids and teachers, AESS finally provides good food as part of their lunch program.

Over the past few years, the food being provided by the Foods program has been absolutely terrible. “We’ve been getting trash like healthy, good food for the entire time I’ve been at this school,” says angry student Rowan Dinn. “They can’t keep getting away with this!”

Fortunately, one fateful day in the school, the Foods program finally graced us students with something worth looking at; spaghetti! (And salad, but nobody cares about that.)

Everybody rushed to line up next to the commons room on November 2nd, and what they saw shocked them; on the board, it said that today’s lunch would be spaghetti. (And salad, but nobody cares about that.) Everybody cheered, and the noise of gleeful students and teachers alike spread through the town of Agassiz like a breeze on a nice Autumn morning.

I interviewed some fellow students on their thoughts on this matter, and this is what I got back:

“Yummy yum.” said Rylan Macneil. “Good!” He then proceeded to give me a thumbs up as a sign of eternal gratitude towards the spaghetti.

“It was very tasty.” exclaimed Kayleb Hood. “I didn’t have any, but it was great!”

“Very spaghetti,” said Rebecca Backman.

“It was very… actually, I couldn’t really taste it, since I put two whole [cups] of cheese in it, but it was probably really good.” said David Negru, with a disappointed frown on his face.

My conclusion is that the only good food the school can provide is what they graciously gave us today; spaghetti. (And salad, but nobody cares about that.) The only bad news as of now is that it will probably be a long time before we get gifted spaghetti again, and in the meanwhile we’ll have to suffer through garbage like sandwiches (ew), soup (disgusting!), and overall great, free food (I want to throw up!) But we’ll get through it, with the prospect of free spaghetti on the horizon keeping our spirits high and our taste buds starving. 

Local teens can’t finish classwork

By Adrienn Bencsik

Pep rally

By Olivia Williams

On Thursday, December 21st, block order 8765, students were granted with something nobody would've ever expected.

During the first class of the day, right after the morning annoucements, Mrs. Deschenes had called down any colour day particpants for a photo. Even though wearing an assigned grade colour might've seemed like a bit of an odd spirit day if one were to think about it, nobody did, as it was one of the five spirit days for the last week of school. However, that annoucement was followed by another minutes later, calling all student council members to the gym. This was where only the intelligent started to get suspicious.

When my class heard the announcement nobody thought anything of it, and we kept doing our English work. That was until Tianna, who was sitting right beside me, looked over. Could it be, I thought while we both smiled at each other. "Do think it is?" Tianna asked. I took a second to think about it; Colour day, student council members to the gym... "It's got to be a pep rally!" Tianna exclaimed, though in a quiet tone, incase we were wrong.

We put our heads back down into our worksheets, although I for one couldn't think anymore with the exhilerating thought of a pep ralley now engraved in my train of thought. It became obvious that even since Tianna and I were quiet before while talking about it, Koen and Aubrey must have heard us. "We think it's a pep ralley!" I told them. They began smiling as well, and it was thankfully only a short amount of time later that we were all saved from the suspense. We were right... The pep ralley was on!

The gym was everything anyone could've imagined! Bleachers out, balloons everywhere, and music playing loud, representing and carrying the true energy of this event.

To win grade points, events included tug of war, free throw tic tac toe, a balloon popping battle, finish the lyrics, and a few more. (Although might I add that Brooke and I absolutely carried every basketball challenge there was, crushing the senior boys multiple times, completely dominating).

To no one's surprise, though to everybody's excitement, (except for maybe every other grade) the grade 9's won! As of right now, our prize is still unknown. Some may say that winning all three pep rally's of 2023 might be enough, and maybe it is. All I know, is thank goodness I'm in grade 9!

Jeopardy

By Aubrey Sutton

This story is true with an underlying lesson of expectation vs reality.  

The Leadup.  

Today May 17th, 2023, we had the long-awaited School Jeopardy, everyone has been so excited for it since it was announced months ago. I don’t know what anyone expected but most expected the biggest school event ever, but it just never came, until today during second block. The event started by calling everybody to the gym in the usual manner as most special events do but little did we know we were throwing ourselves headfirst into one of the biggest traps since Arnold Schwarzenegger was lifting. We were welcomed into the gym by the planners themselves, the schemers themselves, the top of the pyramid. We are put into three teams, grades 7, 8, and 9. We were feeling good because we win most of these events.  

First Blood.  

They started with a cheering competition and just to play it safe they gave the grade nines the least number of points so we wouldn’t get suspicious. Things were going alright for the grade eights for the most part until about halfway through I noticed the grade nines had 7000 points??! They never earned that many points and then noticed we were way down in the 400s. At that moment I realized that the whole thing was rigged and there was not much hope left, except for one thing, a dance competition.

The Dance Off.  

In each grade two people were selected to take part in the dance battle, in our grade Liam and Colin stepped up to the floor. The music started and right off the bat they gave it their all, Liam was rolling all over the floor and busting out crazy moves. Colin was doing calisthenics like balancing on his hands and doing the worm! While they're rocking it, I look over to see the grade nines all sitting down not doing anything! So, I think we’ve got this, the grade sevens were participating but not enough! The music stops, the contestants sit back down, and the results are in, the winners of the dance competition are... The grade nines! If it wasn’t already obvious it was clear as day now, this is a scam. I had lost all hope, not only for this Jeopardy but humanity as a whole. But me and my friends were up to answer the questions, if anyone could settle this dastardly score, it would be us. 

Blatant Ignorance.  

We were doing well until the grade sevens get one wrong, and we knew the answer and it was for 1000 points! We put up our hands and yelled, "steal, steal, steal!” Making it as clear as possible we knew the answer and wanted to get the points. The moderator nonchalantly walked past our group and asked the grade nines, “Do you want to steal?” They say yes and get the points, its over even if we got all the points left up on the screen we couldn’t win. As the last question is answered the grade nines roar. 

A New Hope.  

“But wait; the moderator says, “there's one more thing, a final Jeopardy”. Everyone rushes off the bleachers to help their teams and we realize we are already losing so we risk all our points for this question. They ask the question, what colour can sloths turn? Green! We know it we send it in, and they calculate the points. The grade eights won! We shout, jump, celebrate and march back to class triumphantly. In the end the Jeopardy was very fun and I'm sure we all hope that the event, or something along those lines happens again. 

Missing work? No way!

By Seth Seymour

On Tuesday, Block 1, Isabel Wynker accused Mr. Fuerth of losing her work. 

Mr. Fuerth explains to me the story, “Well I was sitting at my desk at about 1:22 PM prepping for my next class, when I was accosted, verbally assaulted by a student hurling unpleasant accusations my way [mainly concerning the nonsensical fantastical idea that I had somehow misplaced the students work]. I did my best to dodge them and diffused the situation by assuring the student that I had not lost their work. But my assurances fell on deaf ears and the accusations continued. I recommended that the student assault their binder on the matter. I was told they did and further accused [for the third time for those who are counting]. And yet the student continued like a hornet disturbing my lunch on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Eventually I was forced to deal with other matters, however, I will say this, the student at least had the common decency to fess up and make me aware of the wrongful accusations upon locating said work.” 

 After asking Mr. Fuerth his side of the story, I asked Isabel Wynker her side, and she said, 

 “So, Media Arts class had just started, so I went to Mr. Fuerth to get my Water boy review when Mr. Fuerth told me that he could not find it, that is when I started to panic, thinking that he lost my review, that I worked super hard on. Mr. Fuerth asked me if I checked my binder for it, so I replied, no, I have not checked my binder yet.” She told me the rest of her story in her own silly way. "So I went to my bag to my scrumptious binder overflowing with crispy white paper and police files. So, I dug through my crispy scrumptious white lined paper and finally after all the digging, I found my beautiful Water boy review.” [All was said with a British accent]. 

Now it is you, the reader, to decide what you think about this AESS news story. Who was wrong in the matter?  

A triple home-a-slide in Agassiz over winter break