Aries: Tomorrow you will wake up. You will wake up in the morning. You will have lunch at lunch time and dinner at dinner time. Eventually you will go to sleep. You will go to bed at night time.

Taurus: Anatidaephobia is the fear that, somewhere, a duck or goose may be watching and keeping tabs on you. A phobia normally refers to an irrational fear, however this is completely rational. A duck is indeed watching you.

Gemini: If a talking kangaroo approaches you, do not interact with it. It will not befriend you; it will not peacefully coexist with you. It is trying to kill you. Ignore it and you will be fine. If this doesn’t happen, that is also fine.

Cancer: If in Derry, remember that Pennywise is not evil, but only an innocent, though a slightly misguided childlike entity possessing god like power and trying to satisfy her needs (Pennywise is a female, she lays eggs). Don’t be mean to Pennywise, children are best taught through positive reinforcement. Of course, you probably won’t be in Derry since Derry is a fictional town.

Leo: Don’t break the law, or the law will break you. But remember that if you are not caught, you have not really broken the law, and the law will not break you. But you will be caught.

Virgo: Your future’s so bright that I’ve gotta wear shades. Then again, that may just be because I’m finding your future by staring at the stars. Today your spirit soda is ice cucumber Pepsi. You’ve never heard of ice cucumber Pepsi? No one’s ever heard of you either.

Libra: In the words of the great philosophical film, The Breakfast Club: “Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place.” Indeed, nothing is perfect. Cinderella's slippers supposedly fit perfectly, and yet one fell off. This may sound depressing, but just remember that if it weren’t for imperfections, accidents, and mistakes, you wouldn’t be here, and your wife wouldn’t have married you. Remember to thank the world today for being the imperfect place that it is.

Scorpio: Whatever you do, don’t read this horoscope.

Sagittarius: In the words of 20th century philosopher Forrest Gump, “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” What he meant was that the people around us are like chocolates, you’ve got your dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and sea salt chocolates. You have your bittersweet chocolates, unsweetened chocolates, and sweet chocolates. But then there is white chocolate, don’t be white chocolate. White chocolate is utterly lacking in texture and flavor. If you want to get ahead in life instead of perpetuating your current miserable existence, you need to have some charisma; if you want to have charisma, you can’t be flavorless and textureless.

Capricorn: The almost final words of writer Roald Dahl, were “You know, I'm not frightened. It's just that I will miss you all so much” to his family. These were not quite his last words, but will keep things poetic. Try to have this kind of relationship with your family. His real last words were less family friendly. Less PG like Airplane and more R like Planes, Trains, and Automobiles after being injected with a morphine shot.

Aquarius: Don’t be afraid to take some risks today. If you think you might regret what you do tomorrow morning, then don’t worry, you can always sleep in until the afternoon.

Pisces: Remember to follow the word of the Bible: treat it as fact, use it as your guide, and unless your Bible happens to have a typo or references owl husbands, instructs you to sin on more, let the children first be killed, or to commit adultery: it ain’t necessarily so.

Pisces: You will be stalked by your shadow today. The scent of rats may plague you. Then again, it may not. Remember to breathe.

Aquarius: You will be taken advantage of for your gullibility by a neurotic narcissist named Nathaniel. Good luck. Don’t make deals with the devil, Satan is a bad apple, and don’t make bets that you won’t be able to pay for if you lose, especially if you are gambling with mafia men: they will kill you.

Capricorn: Do something illegal. In this game called life, you can’t allow yourself to be under the authority of anyone else, for then you won’t have control over the maximum number of variables, which is necessary for forming effective strategy, this includes the state. Own the state, don’t let the state own you.

Sagittarius: Take some quiet and solitary time to reflect on your pitiful life and cry. Then go to Wal-mart to realize that almost everyone there has a life comparably useless to yours, and that human life has no real value. This may make you feel better about yourself, as you finally realize and accept that you have no value, or it may make you depressed, as you finally realize and accept that you have no value.

Libra: You may face opposition if you choose to oppose the status quo, and if you say what you really mean. But have faith in your opinions, you are right. Other people are stupid, but not you. It is therefore necessary that you utilize force to enforce these opinions on those you meet. Ignore any stigmas against dogma. The ends always justify the means. As Al Capone once said, “You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” Remember this.

Taurus: Try to hang low and lie low, but don’t hang so low that you are swept into the current and smashed against a rock, and don’t lie so low that you are actually lying high.

Leo: There is nothing but danger in store for you. You honestly need to pack up all of your possessions and run away as fast as you can...before they get you. Your lucky food of the day is liver, with some fava beans, and a nice chianti.

Cancer: You have no future.

Gemini: Remember that every distance is walking distance if you have the time. Remember that you can’t have everything, after all, where would you put it? Remember that even though this is a small world, you wouldn’t want to paint it. Remember that, if at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.

Virgo: Be on the lookout for your spiritual guide, you may find them lost and needing directions. Don’t leave a movie mid-showing, especially if the movie’s being shown on an airplane. Lemmings are your lucky animal this afternoon.

Scorpio: Today you should get rid of all your possessions because in the words of Karl Marx, the official mascot of Scorpio’s, “Accumulation of wealth at one pole is at the same time accumulation of misery, agony of toil, slavery, ignorance, brutality, mental degradation, at the opposite pole, and remember that democracy is the road to socialism.”

Aries (March 21-April 19):

Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.

Some things in life are bad,

They can really make you mad.

Other things just make you swear and curse.

When you're chewing on life's gristle,

Don't grumble, give a whistle!

And this'll help things turn out for the best

And

Always look on the bright side of life!

Always look on the bright side of life

If life seems jolly rotten,

There's something you've forgotten!

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing,

When you're feeling in the dumps,

Don't be silly chumps,

Just purse your lips and whistle -- that's the thing!

And always look on the bright side of life

Come on!

Always look on the bright side of life

For life is quite absurd,

And death's the final word.

You must always face the curtain with a bow!

Forget about your sin -- give the audience a grin,

Enjoy it, it's the last chance anyhow!

So always look on the bright side of death!

Just before you draw your terminal breath.

Life's a piece of s..t,

When you look at it.

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,

You'll see it's all a show,

Keep 'em laughing as you go.

Just remember that the last laugh is on you!

And always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Come on guys, cheer up

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Worse things happen at sea you know

Always look on the bright side of life

I mean, what have you got to lose?

you know, you come from nothing

you're going back to nothing

what have you lost? Nothing!

Always look on the bright side of life

Source: LyricFind