When in doubt sit it out. I can clearly remember one year ago hearing those simple words over and over again. I remember the catchy phrase being the cause of some laughter between myself and friends. I remember the stories and the precautions and the signs to watch for. I remember thinking to myself I highly doubt I’ll ever have a concussion but if I do I will make sure I sit out. I told myself I would never let the game interfere with my life, I mean after all, life was good and I didn’t want to take the risk of losing any part of it. Why then when December 15th 2011 came around I disregarded all of that? Let me tell you the story.
I don’t really recall much of the practice at all but I do remember the first time I got hit in the head. Coach always said if the ball is on the ground you are on the ground…well I was on the ground and so was my head with my teammate sitting right there on top of me. It barely phased me. Then a few drills later I was frustrated by my constant mistakes dribbling to my left, so with all my might I tried to get around a screen but all that happened was boom…hit to the head. Not really sure what happened I just remember foggily seeing the ball yet again rolling into the back court. With my head throbbing I dribbled it back. The only words I could find in me were “I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine.” And that’s how easy it was to make the decision that changed my teenage life dramatically. After that I struggled to remember simple plays and I was ready to go home.
That night was painful. Not only did my head hurt but my mom brought up the dreaded word “concussion” after seeing the bumps on my head she had suggested to do an impact test just to be safe, but dreading it I said “well Dean isn’t here on Fridays so he couldn’t do it and plus after the game we have Christmas break with no games until the Holiday Tournament I will be fine.” So it was settled I was playing.
So Friday came and it was worse than the day before. I remember the choir concert was coming up and the stage lights seemed 100 times brighter. Then I saw Mrs. Fynboh walk into the auditorium and I thought “Oh great I hope she doesn’t see me squinting!” So when she asked me how I felt I said Yup I’m good to go, and she said “great I’ll tell Ronnenberg.” Oh boy what did I get myself into? If you have ever driven to BBE you would know how painfully boring and long it is. But unless you ride in a bus with a headache you might not realize how BUMPY it is!!! Then warm-ups began. And of course the BBE band was front row blasting as loud as they could. My head was hurting, stomach was turning but with the game about to begin adrenaline is the best medicine. Everything seemed to be good. We won the game and I think I did alright. Finally I could relax. That night my family went to Applebees to celebrate the victory. I am not a shy eater and usually I would have eaten the whole plate of chicken wings myself…but this night I didn’t want much. I just didn’t feel good.
After a nice break for Christmas I was feeling much better, refreshed and renewed. I played my best game at our tournament and I was feeling good. And I stayed feeling good until after the break was over. Suddenly I wasn’t feeling quite right again. One game I remember was St. Cloud Cathedral and at half time I just wanted a garbage can. In the second half I was not focusing at all. My head was all over the place and in the final seconds my heart sank when I miss judged a pass that cost us the game. In the days and weeks after I still wasn’t feeling myself. I had no energy and I was not in a good mood. Then one day at school it was too much. I could barely make it through school there was no way I could do practice. So I walked myself down to Ronnenberg’s office and explained that my head hurt so he said to go home and get some rest. I went into the doctor but everything was fine. I still wasn’t feeling better though. Then one day I got to practice and into the bathroom I went because STILL I didn’t feel good. By this time the anxiety of how I was feeling really was building up. Then later that week was our game at Holdingford. Little did I know this would be my last game of the season. We won by a lot. But after the game I STILL did not feel good and I was in a bad mood. So when coach kindly made a joke about how poor my free throws were looking it was like kicking a dead horse and I started crying. I am not an emotional person and I never get offended by a quick joke but at the time, in that moment my head was in a million different places. I wasn’t me.
It was then when I really hit bottom. Everything was wrong I didn’t know which end was up. I had considered many times quitting the sport that I had worked so hard at for so many years because I couldn’t get through how I felt. I decided to have a talk with the coaches and my mom. It was clear that we all agreed I was a changed person. At the time I was so unhappy and frustrated. I put blame onto other things and other people which I wish now I could take back, but it was all out of frustration. They suggested I take a break to re-group. They also suggested after all of us doing some research that I check in with Dean and take an ImPact test. It was then when I failed my very first test. An epic fail. Everything was off. Reaction time, symptom score, memory, it was all wrong. Finally the first answer to all the lingering and unanswered questions. It appeared that because of my inability to sit it out way back in December, I had something called Post-Concussion Syndrome, which is exactly what MN Twin Justin Morneau had gone through. I was not prepared for the treatment plan to help me recover, but what I was even less prepared for was the dramatic impact the symptoms would have on my life.
Often times we take the regular things in our life for granted including most often our health. If we only knew that our health can change in an instant and our health impacts every aspect of our lives maybe we would be more cautious. I know you are all here because you are an Irish athlete ready to compete and fight for the team we love, but let me ask you a question. Imagine your team in a playoff game against your town rival, down and needed a spark. You could be the one to knock down a three pointer and change the momentum but instead you are on the bench. You don’t have a cast and you appear to the common person just fine and people are wondering why you are sitting there not on the floor helping your team. But inside your head is pounding, your mind is racing and all you want to do is go home and sleep. Then imagine the pain not physical, but the emotional guilt when your team loses the game. What if you had been there? Why did this happen to you? I believe that everything happens for a reason and I know the purpose of me sitting on that bench helpless is so that I can prevent someone else from being that person. I made a poor decision to play in one game when I was not feeling right and it cost me many more important games of my basketball season, but that was not all.
After many appointments, therapy, and retaking ImPact tests I was able to return to track. As happy as I was to have that part of my life back, each and every day was a struggle. I still had a hard time in school and when I got to track I was amazed and disappointed how difficult it was for me. At practice I had a hard time even doing half the work I was used to. Finally the end of school year stress, track, and prom had led me back to a place I didn’t want to go. Concussion symptoms again. Last season I participated in one track meet. Again the one decision I made on December 15th had not only cost me half of my basketball season, but an entire season of the sport I had been doing since 7th grade. When you put in that many years of hard work and dedication and end up sitting at home on the day your team achieves the goal you have been wanting for so long, it’s more than frustration. It’s tears, pain and heartbreak. So happy for everyone, yet so heartbroken inside.
Of all the symptoms of a concussion: headaches, fatigue, light sensitivity, none of which compare to the worst symptom of all…regret. So much of my life had been taken away from me but it was all my fault. No one can change the past but we can change the future. So this is my motivation in sharing my story with everyone even though it has never been easy to open up about something I would rather just forget. I can’t change what happened to me, but I hope I can prevent it from happening to anybody else. There is no shortage of news about concussions but we are always the first to think those stories will never happen to us. Well it can.
So since you are all here because you will be playing sports this year, these are my Top 5 messages I wish you all will keep in mind:
You are in control of you. Coaches, refs, and parents can help but ultimately you need to be in control of your health.
Know the symptoms of concussions. If you are educated on what to look for you will have an easier time knowing when to stop and get checked out. And remember it IS NOT how hard you get hit. Any bump can be serious.
If you sustain a concussion do not rush back into anything. Listen to Dean and doctors and do exactly what they say. Take time right away so it doesn’t end up taking more time later.
No time is a good time to get a concussion, but the time to get it checked out is RIGHT AWAY. If you don’t you could end up losing more than a week or two. You could lose seasons.
And lastly and most importantly, if you know someone going through a concussion be supportive. It is not easy for them but it is easier to recover if you are in good spirits and you have people to lift you up. If they need help in school be there and always remind them it will get better.
I would just like to thank everyone who has supported me in my healing process. I am so grateful to live in a supportive community and have wonderful coaches, teachers, teammates and others who did everything possible to help me. I hope that by sharing my story you can see the serious side of concussions and make sure you make the right decisions so that you all can stay in the game and always stay Irish Strong! Good luck to all athletes and teams this upcoming year J
Sincerely,
Hannah