ACT I
[Scene 1]
(Enter NARRATOR, SERGEANT MILLER, Cardboard Soldiers)
NARRATOR: It was a peaceful day in the Village of Grain Products-
SERGEANT MILLER: (Interrupting, running across stage with cardboard cutout soldiers.) Move it, wimps! I don’t care what tree said you’re special, just keep running!
NARRATOR: A peaceful day-
SERGEANT MILLER: (Interrupting again) Pick up your papery feet! What are you, bushes?
NARRATOR: Oh, I give up!
LOUDSPEAKER: Sergeant Miller, please report to the briefing room. SGT Miller, please report to the briefing room.
SERGEANT MILLER: Keep running you corrugated buffoons! I’ll be back!
(Exeunt)
[Scene 2]
(Enter MR. BAKER, MUFFIN MAN (on table))
MR. BAKER: (Standing over MUFFIN MAN, who is laying on a table.) Maybe some sugar here, a bit there… Wait, that wasn’t sugar. That was the unstable animation powder. Oh well. I’m sure it will do nothing.
MUFFIN: (Starts vibrating) (Screeches)
MR. BAKER: It’s alive! (Starts running)
MUFFIN: (Pursues him)
MR. BAKER: (While being chased) Oh, do you know the Muffin Man,
The Muffin Man, the Muffin Man?
Do you know the Muffin Man, Muffinin’ all the way?
He comes when you’re asleep
And sneaks into your room.
Don’t you make a peep,
Or else you’ll meet thy doom!
He pulls out his short knife -
Sharp enough to cut!
He wants to end your life,
And sever all your guts!
He’s made of crumbs and bread,
baked and heat and pain!!!
Is largest at the head,
And evil to the grain!
Oh, do you know the Muffin Man,
The Muffin Man, the Muffin Man?
Do you know the Muffin Man, Muffinin’ all the way?
By the light of Moon
He starts the witching-dance;
Carving out the rune
Of loyalty to France
He gouges out both eyes
To please the Lord-of-Flay
Then as your carass dies,
He sneaks again away!
The scourge of this small town;
The aim of many hunts -
Yet never is he found
By many a proud dunce!
Oh, do you know the Muffin Man,
The Muffin Man, the Muffin Man?
Do you know the Muffin Man, Muffinin’ all the way?
(Exeunt)
[Scene 3]
(Enter Sergeant Miller(Saluting), Cardboard Soldiers, and Briefing officer)
BRIEFING OFFICER: At ease. ‘
BRIEFING OFFICER: At 0800 yesterday we lost contact with a research facility located in a bunker deep within the Mojave desert. We sent in a technical team with orders to reestablish communications and find out why comms were lost, but that team has been declared MIA. Your job is to locate the missing technical team, and report back on what the hell happened at that facility. Due to the classified nature of this facility, I am unable to divulge what this facility is working on, unless directly needed for the success of your mission. Any questions?
SERGEANT MILLER: When do we leave?
BRIEFING OFFICER: As soon as you grab your gear, get to pad 7 where an osprey will fly you out. Dismissed.
ACT II
(Enter NARRATOR, MILLER, MUFFIN MAN)
NARRATOR: As the soldiers descended near the outskirts of the complex, their short range comms flared to life with gunshots and requests for backup. Miller tried to get a hold of one of the personnel on the ground, but got no response as the gunshots slowed and ceased.
SERGEANT MILLER(Screaming to pilot): Set us down just outside the main entrance!
SERGEANT MILLER: The rest of you, weapons hot, we have shots fired and who knows what the hell we’re up against!
CARDBOARD SOLDIERS: *no response*
SERGEANT MILLER: Why do I even bother…