Anonymous

96 REASONS WHY MR ANONYMOUS SHOULD REVEAL HIMSELF TO ME.

Last night I was marking the students practical assignments and I

was overjoyed to find that amongs't the billions of people - I - had been

honoured to have that ubiquitous and fantasticly fabulous, hugely famous

Mr Anonymous (also known as Anon, Mr Nobody, or even the Unknown Soldier!)

as my student! You know who I'm talking about.

This man (how do I know he's a man? I'll tell you later) is famous

worldwide over for his pearls of wisdom, his enigmatic and pithy phrases

that grace the worlds lavatories, decorate the pages of thousands of

books, and give guidance to the millions of us who get lost in this

tortuous life we meander through. He has published probably more prose

than any other author. Why I have even come accross a learned scientific

article of his on microwaves: Anonymous. 1950. "Microwave

Techniques." Navships 900,028, Bureau of Ships, Navy Department,

Washington, D.C.

He has fought in many wars, and been killed millions of times. Has

hundreds of thousands of graves (Cenotaphs) with his name on it, and no

doubt he will fight in many more wars to come. He has been the great and

mysterious benefactor to countless charities, has walked away without even

expecting a thankyou from heroicly saving many happless but misfortunate

enough to be caught in an accident, but fortunate enough to have Him

nearby, people (Believe me its harder to say it). No doubt the Catholic

Church would've been only too eager to have him as a saint were he not so

reticient and humble. Maybe there is a Saint Anon (Or Saint Nobody), I

don't know. We should collar a christian and ask them about this!

And he must be a real heartbreaker with woman too for what man hasn't

been mistaken for the great Mr Nobody by the all too common but anguished

remark of, "You're Nobody to me!"

This fantastic person was a student in one of my classes!!!! :-))

Ofcourse I didn't realise that Mr Anonymous was in my classes until the

end of the semester, for right up until then it is obvious that he

must've been using a pseudonym. It is now too late to actually ackowledge

the presence of the great man himself for the students won't be returning

till next year. And for all I know he may never return.

I still had the conscienable problem of attributing the mark to him, even

if to his pseudonym, so that he may get his mark that he was rightly due.

It was the least I could do. But I didn't know who he was! It couldn't be

one of the girls, because all of them have handed in their PSpice

assignment, with their names correctly written on it. And are therefore

accounted for.

Being a physicist, and hopefully soon, a logically thinking engineer as

well, I resorted to my limited skills of handwriting recognition. Alas

these days very little is done by handwriting, and the computer printout

of his assignment wasn't very revealing either. Only one clue was

available. He had hand sketched the circuits with the nodes (PSpice Dos

version assignment) and had written in a distinctly rounded but

nevertheless kinky but wholesome "Circuit" label to the figure. More

revealing was the not peculiar but well impressed, almost controlled

manner he had drawn his zig-zag representing the resistors, or the mildly

eccentric looking diode.

Armed with these tell-tale signs I went first to the list of those

students, who according to my records had not submitted the assignment. I

poured over their lab workbooks and their versions of circuit diagrams.

This didn't help at all! None of them even closely resembled the kinky

diode, or forced looking resistor that was unique to Mr Anonymous's style.

Could it be that Mr Anonymous had already submitted the assignment under

his pseudonym, but not satisfied with his alter egos effort, decided to

resubmit under his true identity? I just had to know! I went searching

through over a hundred students lab workbooks, and literally thousands of

figures. I poured over the figures, the poorly annotated circuits, and the

myriad spellings of "circuit" in those workbooks. But alas, no luck.

Sadly, what could I do but deduct at least 4% for Mr Anonymous's shyness

to reveal his identity. At least he spelled my name correctly.

Tejay.

To those who are just too new to this planet and have not had the honour

of reading some of his great works:

The Best of Anonymous

Unattributed quotations, mottos, and rhetorical inquiries of various sorts.

These are mostly humorous, but there are a few suprising pearls of wisdom

here and there...

(155 entries)

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Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of

body is better.

All easy problems have already been solved.

All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make

any marriage run smoothly: You know dear, you may be right.

Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that

way.

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no

government at all.

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the

grand fallacy.

Anyone can count the seeds in an apple.

No one can count the apples in a seed.

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in

the correct screw.

Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like

the ones in movies.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

As a general rule, the freedom of any people can be judged by the volume of

their laughter.

As of 1992, they're called European Economic Community fries.

Be kind to unkind people - they need it the most.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have

enlightened him with ours.

Bumper sticker: Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy

Business is like a wheelbarrow. Nothing ever happens until you start

pushing.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort

to teach them good manners.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the

world that just don't add up.

Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than

the estimate the job will cost.

Condense soup, not books!

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you

wish you weren't.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.

Do not follow where the path may lead....go instead where there is no path

and leave a trail.

Don't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Eschew obfuscation.

Every revolutionary idea - in science, politics, art, or whatever - evokes

three stages of reaction in a hearer:

1. It is completely impossible - don't waste my time.

2. It is possible, but it is not worth doing.

3. I said it was a good idea all along.

Every time history repeats itself the price goes up.

Find expression for a sorrow and it will become dear to you. Find

expression for a joy, and you will intensify its ecstasy.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to

build better mice.

Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience--well, that comes from

poor judgment.

The greatest threat towards future is indifference.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

Hindsight is an exact science.

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity. The

rest is overhead for the operating system.

The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If I ever needed a brain transplant, I'd choose a teenager's because I'd

want a brain that had never been used.

If the car industry behaved like the computer industry over the last 30

years, a Rolls-Royce would cost $5, get 300 miles per gallon, and blow up

once a year killing all passengers inside.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

If the hours are long enough and the pay is short enough, someone will say

it's women's work.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

If the human brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so

simple we couldn't.

If the odds are a million to one against something occuring, chances are

50-50 it will.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past

or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different

reality system.

If you hear an onion ring, answer it.

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were

asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class.

Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.

Include the success of others in your dreams for your own success.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice,

however, there is.

Don't use a big word when a dimunitive one will do.

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning

to others.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Mental Floss helps prevent moral decay.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give

the wrong answers.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he

knows what it is.

Keep your head and your heart going in the right direction and you will not

have to worry about your feet.

If at first you succeed, try not to look astonished!

"Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Opportunity.

Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!"

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!" till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy - the art of having someone have it your way.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.

The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a "No Exit" sign.

Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

A metaphor is like a simile.

Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

The more sins you confess, the more books you will sell.

Nearly everyone is in favor of going to heaven but too many are hoping

they'll live long enough to see an easing of the entrance requirements.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." he might not have one.

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by

stupidity.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to

stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have

crossed the mountain.

No man knows what true happiness is until he gets married. By then, of

course, its too late.

The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try again.

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

One essential to success is that your desire be an all-obsessing one, your

thoughts and aims be co-ordinated, and your energy be concentrated and

applied without letup.

The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is

doing it.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the

bathroom.

People seldom know what they want until you give them what they ask for.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake - which was a bit of a surprise,

actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Plants do not have the power of locomotion -- except perhaps for kudzu.

Q: How do you spell "onomatopoeia"?

A: The way it sounds.

Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income statement?

A: A local area networth.

Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Some poems rhyme

Some people march to the beat of a different drummer. And some people

tango!

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

The speed of time is one second per second.

A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of

obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who

had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they

got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the

same person.

Status quo. Latin for "the mess we're in."

Success in marriage is not so much finding the right person as it is being

the right person.

Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by

dressing exactly alike.

There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a

fence.

There are some strings. They're just not attached.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know

nothing about.

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy

to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know

how to use my telephone.

There's no future in time travel.

Thought for the day: What if there were no hypothetical situations?

To be a winner, all you need to give is all you have.

Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be

moved.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins, you can't imagine the

smell.

Virtue is its own punishment.

We, the unwilling,

led by the unknowing,

are doing the impossible

for the ungrateful.

We have done so much,

for so long,

with so little,

we are now qualified to do anything

with nothing.

When the tide of life turns against you

And the current upsets your boat

Don't waste tears on what might have been

Just lie on your back and float.

What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

When all else fails, read the instructions.

When all is said and done, more is said than done.

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form

of misery.

Pi vs e

Pi goes on and on and on ...

And e is just as cursed.

I wonder: Which is larger

When their digits are reversed?

While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness

never does.

Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coop? If it had four it would

be a chicken sedan.

Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.

Writing a book is like washing an elephant: there's no good place to begin

or end, and it's hard to keep track of what you've already covered.

A man said to the Universe

"Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the Universe

"The fact has not created in me

A sense of obligation."

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and

You can fool all of the people some of the time, but

You can't fool mom.

As you ramble on through life, brother,

Whatever be your goal,

Keep your eye upon the doughnut,

And not upon the hole.

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

You don't have to stay up nights to succeed; you have to stay awake days.

You don't have to worry about me. I might have been born yesterday...but I

stayed up all night.

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P.s. If you have seen Mr Anon., or have heard/read other comments of his

please let me know.

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