Snared in the Web

March 2007

As all of you are aware, Diana and I live a generally pleasant isolated life, free from the travails of travel in the fast lane. We (Diana says “you”) pretty much ignore, and are left untouched, by a lot of current happenings. I once read a quotation, “the computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.” Which brings me to my current musing……...

Now and then the outside world expands its weak link into Whooping Hollow, whereby I recently found myself entrapped in the “WEB”.

During my “working years”, I prided myself in keeping on top of things happening with computers. However, in the few conversations I now risk with the on-coming generation concerning electronic devices; I find that we no longer even speak the same language.

For instance, my son’s (David and Philip) were helping me with a computer problem involving my wireless network. They were searching for some device, or program or such, when one said to the other, “ping it”.

My response of, “Quit playing the games and fix the damn thing.” was met with puzzled looks, followed by realization, and finally resulting in gales of laughter.

Luckily, the sun was over the “yardarm”, I was able to “ping” the Tanqueray, retreat to the carving porch and contemplate use of the “ walking plank” on my progeny….to continue this nautical theme.

The next episode in this comedy happened when Diana needed some help with her laptop. We called Philip, “Can you help?”

The answer was, “Sure, all you have to do is……..” at this point English morphed into……well, something else. Our silence spoke for us, and he responded, “Why don’t you just let me do it?”

The exact suggestion for which I had been hoping….even praying, “O.K. We’ll mail the computer tomorrow.”

“No, just let me take control.”

“Hunh?”

“Just put this command in…….”

We managed that and my frien’s, what followed was wonderful (the computer problem was repaired in a matter of minutes), magical (screens appeared and disappeared so fast we could not even focus on them), amazing (he was in Nebraska and we were in Arkansas) and terrifying (someone 500 miles away took command of our computer). Philip “backed out”???? urging us to “try it”. And it worked. And we are still trying to decide what really happened.

Do things actually happen in threes? Don’t know about that; but a short while later, I wanted to put a splitter on the incoming line from the HD satellite dish. Watch TV in different rooms. Simple.

“Un unh! Can’t do that,” I am told by the computer wiseasses….uhhh next generation.

“Info goes both ways.”

“Hunh? Info? I’m talking about watching the damn television!”

“The satellite uses the dish to talk to your television…..and then it talks back.” This incomprehensible answer left me speechless. Then I started to think about it…..what in the hell does the television have to say to the satellite? Worse yet, who else is it talking to? And just what is it telling them?

My Frien’s, I was really coming to appreciate “Through the Looking Glass” and “What Alice Saw There”! Is this some modern equivalent of the Walrus talking to the Oyster,

'The time has come,' the Walrus said,

'To talk of many things:

Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --

Of cabbages -- and kings --

And why the sea is boiling hot --

And whether pigs have wings.'

Or is it……nah…………2001 has come and gone……..surely it’s not HAL!!!!

These tendrils from the outside world definitely needed watching. My retreat from virtual reality was more graphically illustrated recently and quite literally: No

virtual here! In what I prefer to call my innocence, Diana prefers idio…well…..uhhh….something that still indicates a faux pas of major magnitude. I decided to do a little research for a woodcarving. The internet is a wonderful place for seeking and finding information.

For instance, there are thousands of picture taking enthusiasts out there competing to be recognized as the new “king of the mountain” among wildlife photographers. They are taking close-ups that show every aspect of nature.

Combine this with the veterinary community who are illustrating their fields of expertise with visual aids, and the woodcarver finds many “go bys” (photos) for their carvings. The dark cloud in this silver lining (as far as critiques in the field of woodcarvings are concerned) is that no one is given the “benefit of the doubt”. When usually mundane things, such as the flow direction of hair on the belly of a horse is examined….carvers damn well better have it right! Which finally, really brings me ’round about to the subject of my current epistle.

Last spring I started a carving of a rearing stallion. Now, my frien’s, I have been around a lot of horses over what, to my shock, has turned into a long period of time. Where in the hell did those years go? What happened to all the “old folks”? “Whadda ya mean they been replaced? By who?” Uh Oh! Don’t want to go there!

Anyway, work on the stallion led me to the realization that I had not paid sufficient attention to one-half of the breeding pair of the species being carved! I got down, literally (and virtually), to “that part”. I was unsure about how to complete the carving.

The anatomy of my concentration is only partially revealed to the average viewer of the equine species. Not having a horse readily available is no longer an obstacle. I went to the fount of modern knowledge. Typed in “horse genital photos”. In my defense, I thought that this scientific terminology would lead me to my goal. Now don’t that sound good? Actually I did not think about it. But, if I had, I would have thought the porno world would be limited to more graphic terminology.

My reaction of, “Oh sh___ooot! (Well, OK , something physically in close proximity to my current area of interest and more in line with verbiage I expect of the porno world) does not begin to describe what happened. I quickly began to comprehend the enormity of my error, some of which, I have been told by the on-coming generation, could have been lessened with a + sign between the words and using the Latin genitalia. Too late!

I immediately received several hundred thousand “hits”. And believe me my frien’s, those related to horses could only be described as quite bizarre…..and of little value to woodcarvers. At least normal ones that is! Why, hell yes, I opened a couple of sites. What harm could a quick look do? Curiosity can be a dangerous thing….to humans as well as cats!

“WOW! I better get the hell outta here!” Being computer wise I took action…….Cntrl/Alt/Del!

.I put the stallion aside (still did not have the needed photos). There is always something else on my workbench. I started carving on a couple of cougars, My world returned to normal…….at least that (based on innocent ignorance?) was my assumption.

Then Diana came out on the carving porch. When I am carving I tend to concentrate and pay little attention to what is happening in the rest of the world…including that directly around me. In other words, I pretty well ignored her appearance.

“Were you searching on the internet this morning?”

“Un hunh.”

“Anything interesting?”

“Un un,” have you ever noticed how modern humans can still communicate in a form that would have been familiar to cave men?”

“Are you paying attention?”

“Un hunh.” And now I was!

“What did I just ask you/”

“Uhhhh?”

“Never mind! Were you searching on the internet this morning?”

You know, my frien’s this question sounded somehow familiar.

So, I took a quick look around. I was pretty sure that I had not spilled my morning coffee on the keyboard. The computer had been operating when I left it……hadn’t it? So it must be something simple. Something safe. Something that I should have read. Some editorial or something. But, the smartest answer to a question from the other half of the species is to follow that old computer adviso “KISS”….Keep It Simple Stupid.

“Not for long. Not much on the woodcarving forum.”.

“Nothing else?”

“Took a quick look at the news but it was just the same old ‘doom and gloom’.”

“Nothing else?”

The realization that something deeper was under discussion finally broke through. I quit carving and gave her my real attention.

“Nope.”

“Are you sure?”

Where ever this was going it wasn’t going to be simple…..I thought for a minute, “Oh yeah, I tried to find some photos to use in carving the stallion. No luck though.”

“Just horse pictures?”

“Yep”, confidence level starts back up and my thoughts are returning to carving the cougars.

“What exactly did you type in there?”

Luckily I had quit carving, was paying attention, and had observed the serious nature of the inquisitor. The line of questioning and tone led me to recall an observation by my brother (Richard) some years ago, “You can tell that God used a rib and not the male funny bone when he made Eve.” Unfortunately, for Richard, the wisdom of the statement was illustrated by its reception on the part of his wife (Martha).

My response, “I was looking for pictures of horse….(at this point I had intended to insert some decidedly unscientific terminology)”…..did not seem to be a good idea!! The replacement, “….es to finish the carving” failed to satisfy this modern descendent of Eve.

“What exactly did you type?”

We’re getting close to the core of the issue…..whatever it is. “Something like, photos of horse genitals”……..Uh Oh! The light dawns; but, it’s shining through fog.

“Get your pictures?”

“No! You would not believe some of the things that showed up there”.

“Yeah, I would believe it.”

Sometimes a person (usually a child or male) is compelled to ask that most dangerous of questions, “Why?” But, it did dispel the fog and let the sun shine in!

We have over a hundred messages in our email and all of them are from porno sites!”

Well frien’s, my consolation is that I’m not exactly banned from the computer although the “parental lock” is causing some inconvenience in my searching.

My only hope is that the porno police don’t show up at the door and I have to try to convince them that this really happened in the way it did.

Forget that damn stallion he may become a gelding anyway! The cougar carving is more interesting anyhow!

And this is only one example of the inconveniences of modern life that makes me happy to live back here at the end of the world. Life in Whooping Hollow has returned to its normally peaceful pace and it is time to end this epistle from Paul,