professoremeritus

Professor Emeritus

I

"Okay, c'mon everybody, listen up. We've got all the artifact description files in except Carl's. Joann, how long will it take to incorporate his material into our proposal?"

"Wait now, Ravi is still verifying his timeline data - we can't go forward until this is done!"

"Look, we only have five weeks until the site will be under water and everything will be ruined, we've got to get in there before - Daniel!" Dr Friedrich Marcus turned to the new arrival in the meeting room. "Great timing! Can we get SG-1 back to 602 within the next three, four weeks max?"

Dr Daniel Jackson knitted his brows and said, "Ummm, no. Why?"

At this point all the 20-odd participants at the meeting spoke at once. Daniel Jackson patiently held his hand up until gradually the din subsided. "I've already asked permission for SG-8 to go there before the end of the month. Remember, you'll have to get the proposal approved by the team and up to the General by Tuesday or it's not going to happen."

There was a loud and happy hubbub following this announcement and the meeting broke up in enthusiastic groups. As they started to leave, Friedrich turned to Daniel and said, "The opening plenary of WAC-5 is Sunday. You said you'd come with us if you were back in time from P4X 347. You haven't forgotten?"

Daniel winced. "Ah, right. Sorry guys, I really have to -"

Sylvie jumped right in: "Oh come on, Daniel! It'll be fun. We can all hang together and knock the shit out of the newest theory Van Newkirk's come up with. He absolutely thrilled the Durham Conference." She rolled her eyes.

That did not sound at all appealing to Daniel, but he had stood them up more than a few times. It had been a long time since archaeology conferences were on his list of favorite pastimes. But if he stayed in town over the four days' downtime the General had just given SG-1, he'd be back at his office tomorrow, and he absolutely did not want to see any of his teammates today, tomorrow, or next week either for that matter. At least until he could maintain more control over himself.

SG-1 had just returned from almost three weeks on P4X 347 where they'd had to wait for the effects of the addiction caused by the Goa'uld device to diffuse. Most of the time Daniel was alone with his books, provided by General Hammond, or occasionally with Loran. Jack avoided him almost completely, and Sam was in heaven, taking apart all the machinery involved in the production of the light and pleasure effects that could have cost them their lives. Now that they were home, he wanted to get back into his own routine, but he was exhausted from the emotional strain of being so close to Jack, even though in the end Jack had said virtually nothing to him.

Everyone in the archaeology department knew about the débâcle of his last public lecture several years ago, though none of them had actually been there. He needed no champions, yet he knew that if he did go to the conference they'd be with him - whether he wanted them or not - if any unpleasantness came up over a subject they all wished could be open for discussion to the whole world.

Daniel frequently worried that if he was seen with them his disgrace would taint his colleagues. They, however, seemed to have no such concerns and pressured him constantly to accompany them to the few events they were given permission to attend. As head of the archaeology and linguistics sections, Daniel saw to it that they kept up with the latest news and techniques, and his teams were encouraged to attend professional development opportunities when possible - at government expense, of course.

They were looking at him with hope, waiting for an answer. He thought about the alternative, and decided that a lively run-in with the most pitbullish academics of the day might be just the thing.

~~~

Daniel went back to his office to close up shop for the few days he'd be away. Guilt because he was abandoning his reports and preparations for upcoming missions aside, there were projects he'd planned months and even years ago he'd never had the opportunity to get to, and meting out his time between n number of urgent tasks that required his personal attention had made it very difficult lately to maintain control over his equanimity.

Maybe he should take a vacation. Then he could work on his own research. Perhaps he should just leave, quit. He sighed. Work was not the problem. Jack was the problem. Jack was his problem. What had he said? What had created this chasm between them?

Daniel knew, better than most, how to keep a secret. He'd never let on, not once, that he thought of Jack in terms of anything other than friendship. On occasions when he felt that it might be impossible to hide his reactions, he'd removed himself, as he did when Jack left to be with Lara on Edora. And it was lucky that he'd had a few minutes to prepare when Jack returned with Maybourne's people, or he would have had to leave the gate room in a hurry.

He was so careful. He made sure he gave nothing away. Time and observation had demonstrated that Jack could not possibly have an interest in someone like him except possibly as a friend, a buddy. Jack had never given any hint of homophobia; however, he'd only ever shown interest in women. And then, one awful day, while attached to machines for treatment in the infirmary's curtained-off physio area, he'd heard the technicians gossiping about Jack's 'confession', due to Anise's device, of inappropriate feelings for Sam. If the memory of that day had come up when he was on his balcony thanks to the Goa'uld pleasure machine, he was fairly certain that Jack would have arrived to quite a different scene when he came to find out why Daniel had not reported for work.

But the most important reason he would never say anything now was that at no time had Jack ever indicated, by word or deed, that he suspected how Daniel felt about him. He was still safe. He was afraid that if Jack knew he'd confront him immediately, and then it would be game over for Daniel. Homophobic or not, Jack would assign him to another team and he'd never see Jack again, except maybe at the other end of the parking lot.

Things must have changed gradually; Daniel had not noticed anything was wrong until he'd stopped receiving invitations to hang out at Jack's house. Fishing was never mentioned in his hearing. And where Jack used at least to tolerate his requests for more time, resources, and attention in the field, he now cut him off without discussion, and emailed decisions and requests had become the norm.

Daniel felt devastated, worthless, feelings that were certainly not unknown to him, but all the more bitter for being delivered at the hand of someone he'd hoped would be his friend for life. Now, whether on missions, in skirmishes under fire, negotiations with new communities, or routine sampling assignments, Jack's only words to him were thick with sarcasm, disapproval or indifference.

When Daniel had managed to put his hurt feelings aside and analyze the situation, he realized that if he didn't try to mend their friendship, Jack never would. He'd tried to speak with him about it several times and had been met with denial at every turn. There had been no options left to him but to speak to his teammates. He did not want to approach Sam on the matter, given his certainty of the truth of the revelations that were now circulating the base's gossip mills, so he went to Teal'c.

Teal'c considered Daniel's situation gravely and with respect, as always. However, while admitting that O'Neill seemed impatient with Daniel at times, Teal'c had no insight to offer him as to the cause. In desperation then, he'd had to turn to Sam and told her just a little of his consternation at the way Jack was behaving towards him.

This turned out to be surprisingly humiliating as Sam, in the kindest possible way she could, told him she thought he had allowed his imagination to inflate the whole situation - and that he should try harder not to be so difficult with Jack. He had not expected that response, and felt more isolated than ever.

So, he pretended that all was well. But he knew he would not be able to keep up the pretense much longer.

II

As he sat in the vast lounge of the conference's Washington hotel, animated discussions streaming all around him, Daniel concluded that getting away had been a good decision. Nothing ever really broke through the wall of sadness engulfing him, but the day had been stimulating and, thanks to his ever-present colleagues, no one got near enough to try to bully him into debating flaws in his theory on the origins of the pyramids. Of which there were none, as it turned out. He thought of Catherine Langford with deep gratitude whenever he considered what life would be like for him if she had not invited him to join the SG team on that disastrous day. Were it not for her offer, he never would have had the opportunity to discover the empirical evidence to verify his work, and would likely have gone to his grave without that confirmation.

Perhaps coming to the conference did show weakness, to avoid the possibility of Jack rounding a corner at the SGC with not a word or a look for him. Well, he didn't care at this point, and so he joined the team's negotiations regarding who would be covering what evening lectures, mediating when necessary. Logistics solved, he remained where he was when most of his companions left for dinner, using the time to complete his notes on the day's talks and flesh out some details for future assignments.

* * *

"Mother of God - Daniel!"

The voice, the expletive, had Daniel half-way out of his chair when he was enveloped in a strong and immediately familiar embrace that lifted him to his feet. For a moment, as he was crushed into a gestalt reaction of touch and smell and feelings, a dozen years and more disappeared and he was young and strong and confident of his abilities, with no need to find a refuge. He felt a strange sense of relief but could not identify the reason. In fact, his brain was not co-operating in its usual way, and he struggled to find something coherent to say.

Finally, pulling away from his captor he smiled and tried to look calm as he said, "Alec, what are you doing at this zoo?"

Hand still lingering warmly on Daniel's arm, Alec said, "Come to give the latest word on everything, dear boy. I have been persuaded by the Board to speak at a closed session, in return for which I may commence my retirement a month early."

"The big one at last?"

"The big one - at last." As Daniel obviously could come up with nothing further to say, Alec looked about for a quiet spot and led him into a corridor, away from the crowd. He studied Daniel intently. "It is wonderful to see you. If I had known you'd be here I would have made other plans." His blue eyes pierced Daniel, looking for a hint of his reaction to their unexpected encounter, while Daniel continued to gaze at him, evidently stupefied.

Professor Alexander Elliott-Chevigny had changed little since Daniel had last seen him: tall; slightly broader than Jack; dark wavy hair; very attractive; gentle Irish accent; every line and gesture of his body spoke to his position at the top echelon of the Archaeology world.

And, Daniel's first lover. Daniel had been reading Anthropology at Oxford, and Alec was his supervisor. Although he'd recently seen the notices that Alec had been awarded the status of Emeritus upon his retirement, Elliott-Chevigny was now just 50.

"Come with me." His hand reached up to touch Daniel's face, and he smiled in encouragement as Daniel struggled to form a response.

Suddenly conscious of how odd he must seem, Daniel snapped his mouth shut and looked back to where his colleagues were foregathering for the evening lectures. Friedrich and Iain were staring at him, silently asking if he needed someone to run interference, but he shook his head. He did not want to leave Alec just now, even though he suspected that this meeting would somehow cause a disruption in his life at the SGC. At the moment he simply did not have resources to deal with any new problems. His mind was blank: overstressed, exhausted, not up to a response to this unexpected situation after their first exchange.

The professor could see that Daniel was in difficulties, and by the entreaty of his expression he allowed himself to show his deep fondness for Daniel and his genuine delight at their meeting. "Come along, Daniel. We must have some time alone to talk and then I have to perform for the ghouls to earn my freedom."

Before they could move they were interrupted by a young, beautifully suited man who took Elliott-Chevigny by the arm and started tugging him back towards the discussion area, saying, "We must go up to meet the committee immediately, Alec." He leaned in closer and said in a confidential tone, "Everyone's out looking for you. There's been a horrible mix-up with flights, Jennson is still on the ground somewhere in South Africa, and they want you to cover his -"

Removing the young man's hand from his arm, Elliott-Chevigny said, "They will have to look elsewhere, Jeremy, my time here is committed."

Jeremy gaped at him. "Your calendar was quite free this morning. Look, I know you don't want to do it, Alec, but this is a crisis!" He glanced curiously at Daniel, noting his off-the-rack unimpeccable suit, trying to place him. "Perhaps you could postpone this meeting?"

"I think not."

Daniel, though hardly in total command of himself, realized that this might be a politic time to withdraw. "You are needed, Alec, and I'll be here for another day or so. We could -"

He held on to Daniel firmly. "Oh no, don't move. I don't give a tinker's fart for this lot, and well you know it. Jeremy, tell them no. I'll speak to you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow!"

The Professor did not acknowledge Jeremy's remark and turned away to put his arm around Daniel's shoulders to move him towards the elevators. Daniel could have stopped their progress with ease, but during the brief Alec-Jeremy exchange he found that among the many reactions he had felt since meeting Alec again, foremost was that he very much wanted to talk with Alec, perhaps spend some time with him. Get back something of the person he had been before he had fixated on the unattainable and thereby destroyed what peace he might have had after Shau're's death.

~~~

So you are the one of the candidates they've sent to keep me organized this year, are you?

Yes, Professor Elliott. Here are copies of my references and, um, my course records.... Would you like to see a copy of the catalogue system I devised to incorporate -

God, no. I'm sure it's very efficient. Well, Daniel, I notice in the paper you handed in last week that you do not demonstrate the right and proper respect for one of the very founders of our discipline.

And you reject my theory?

I do not.

Oh! Then I have several papers I could give you that clearly show instances where he has built upon his own erroneous conclusions causing misleading -

All right, all right, you'll do.

~~~

Daniel, if you are going to be assisting me until all hours on a daily basis, what do you think about moving in here?

I... you mean -

I mean get your things from that dank, freezing hovel you occasionally sleep in and move them here, into the spare room.

Oh... um, yes.

~~~

Daniel... how old are you?

... Why?

Daniel - how old are you?

... 18.

Mother of God.

~~~

You know it is quite all right to take some time off for yourself, Daniel. Almost everyone has left Oxford for a final fling before settling down for winter. Leave off all of that marking until Tuesday week and join your friends, if you like.

Oh, I don't.... Do you want me to.... I could go -

No, no. Only if you want to get away. I like having you about.

Oh... I'm fine.

Good.

~~~

Look, Daniel, am I right in thinking you are attracted to me?

No! Or....

Don't waffle, lad - although I must admit it is really quite charming.

Oh!

Well?

Yes, um, I think so.

Then put all those books down, they're digging into me.... Here let me.... Good. Don't be shy - you are a very lovely young man.... Now, I am surmising you've not done anything like this before? I thought not. Never mind, you'll get to like it in no time flat.... Daniel, you must relax - perhaps a wee drop of something wouldn't come amiss here. Come now, let me show you....

* * *

At the age of 18 Daniel had been wildly attracted to his supervisor and then absolutely astounded when Alec had actually chosen him to be his lover. Daniel spent two excellent years working with Alec during university terms. They conversed mostly in Gaelic and other languages of the Gaeltacht, and therefore he was completely immersed in those languages as well as his regular studies. Although he was sexually and intellectually drawn to Alec, he had never dreamed that he'd be spending nights, and many days, responding to the vigorous attentions of the most interesting man he had ever met.

Alec was a man of opinion on hundreds of subjects, and he was the first person other than his parents who had willingly shared his knowledge and expertise with Daniel. For this alone, Daniel would have gladly stayed to work with him indefinitely out of gratitude, even though he knew by this time there were other subjects he wished to pursue. Whether Alec suspected this or not, he had made it very clear that he expected Daniel to leave Oxford as soon as he received his degree, to follow his fascination for linguisticss and other disciplines within Anthropology and Archaeology.

Daniel had never got up the nerve to ask how or why he won the job and the man, and so he'd lived on a day-to-day basis, never counting on not being replaced by one of many who would cheerfully have dumped his corpse in the Isis for a chance to be his replacement.

They had parted well - Alec to a sabbatical year at a newly discovered find in Amarna, and Daniel back to the States to continue his pursuit of the tools he would need to build his career. Daniel had not expected to hear from Alec again, and indeed barring the odd note there had been no further contact between them - except for one very long and furious message from Alec five years ago in response to the announcement of his intention to speak on the subject of his thesis at the Symposium in L.A. Alec begged him to wait, to reconsider until Daniel had sufficient evidence of his assertions to silence his critics, but Daniel was determined. Even now, he knew he would still make that same choice.

Daniel still was attracted to Alec, but he knew it had never been love, especially since the weeks after he returned from Shau're's funeral ceremony on Abydos, when he had really come to know Jack O'Neill.

~~~

Hey.

Hey.

Look, Daniel, I know I was hard on you about Kira, but you've got to admit I was right about Shyla.

Jack... I do not want to hear about this any more.

You think I'm down on you for no reason? Look - you suck it up with the very best of them, Daniel, you never let up on yourself. But you can not go around fixing everyone's life. You are not responsible! Your job is here, with us, and you cannot go off making decisions for all of us when you... just might be... not exactly firing on all cylinders. You get me?

Jack, don't poke at me! You think these past weeks have something to do with Shau're! Well let me tell you this has nothing - nothing to do with her. You think I can't decide for myself just what actions my own conscience tells me are the right things to do. You think I need to be kept under control because I'm seeing things wrong!

Daniel, you are the smartest person I know. You have also just lost your wife in extremely... extraordinary circumstances. I think you need to trust your friends here. Trust me on this. You don't believe me, I know. But I will keep on your ass because I am not going to let you fuck up your life here.

I won't, Jack. But if I do, that's my decision.

Oh no, Danny boy, I'm the only one who gets to decide on that around here.

~~~

"No you.... Not taking you!"

"Jack - Jack! Wake up!

"Daniel!"

"Shhhh. I'm here. It's okay, I'm here. Don't wake the others."

"Ahhhhhhh... Daniel...."

"Shhhhh, Jack. You must be reacting to a component in the Blood of Sokar. Listen to me, hold still - we're heading home now. Just try to relax."

"No. No more sleep."

"Whatever you want, but please try to calm down."

"You the only one up?"

"Teal'c is driving this thing. Apparently he's got to keep an eye on it because of damage they can't fix."

"Oh. Okay. Everyone okay?"

"Yeah, shaken up - but no permanent damage."

"You?"

"I'm fine."

"Yeah, right...."

....

"I dreamed... I dreamed...."

"Shhhhhh. What, Jack?"

"Everybody okay?"

"Yes, everybody is fine. Sleeping. How do you feel?"

"That you, Danny?"

"Yes, it's me. Don't worry any more."

"I dreamed...."

"What? What did you dream?"

"Hurt you. Hurt you so much."

"He did hurt us, Jack. But you were unconscious when they took me away. Maybe your subconscious is trying to sort it all out."

"Hey, I don't have one of those."

"Of course you don't. Do you want some water? Something to eat?"

"Nah."

"You aren't very comfortable there - probably giving you the nightmares. Here - put your leg up on me."

"Ah, 's good.... Don't let me sleep!"

"Shhhhhh! Okay, I won't."

"Danny.... Daniel - tell me one of your boring stories."

"Jack!"

"Shhhhhh, th'others asleep."

"Oh very funny."

"That's me. What ya waitin' for - start talking, nurse. And not the one about that gal with 10 heads."

~~~

They did not speak again until they entered a suite of rooms astronomically above the price range of working archaeologists.

It was dark in the foyer, with only a single glowing light reflecting from mirrors in other rooms of the suite. Alec turned and reached past Daniel to engage the locks, pressing Daniel against the door with his body. The men stood together silently for some time, comfortable, looking, touching, holding each other, shaping memories old and new.

But to his growing horror, Daniel became aware of images of Jack streaming into his consciousness, and he was appalled that this was happening while he was standing in the arms of someone else. He mentally squirmed with misery that he should allow Jack to dominate his thoughts now, of all times, when there was a possibility of having a brief measure of comfort for himself.

He tried desperately to clear his mind and fleetingly wondered what that drug-pushing psychiatrist MacKenzie would make of this situation. Despairing of his ability to control himself, Daniel began to move away - but he was held fast in strong arms, and Alec began to speak to him softly, urgently, while brushing his lips against Daniel's neck and throat, his fingertips on and between Daniel's lips, his leg pressing lightly between Daniel's legs.

Daniel shut his eyes tight, trying to squeeze the images of Jack away. God! Please, Jack! Let me go!

At that instant Daniel realized it was not Jack holding him back. Jack was not holding him at all. Jack had let even their friendship go, months ago, didn't trust or want Daniel in his life. Had no desire for Daniel's love.

It was he, Daniel, the fool, who clung stupidly to hope where there was no, god help him, foundation.

He was stronger than this. He would do this. He opened his eyes to look up at Alec and steadied his voice to speak at last.

"Kiss me, Alec. Kiss me now." Goodbye, Jack. And with that thought he allowed his mouth to be opened to receive Alec's kiss.

III

"I've left another message on his room's voicemail," Friedrich said, glumly.

Iain was worried. "What do you think we should do?"

"I don't know! You know what he's like, he totally loses track of time when he comes across something interesting. Or of course he could possibly be just brooding over at the Smithsonian archives."

"Do you think we should try to find Dr Elliott and ask him? Switzer from the Institute said he saw him with Daniel, going into an elevator together the night we saw them."

"You must be joking! Even his assistant wouldn't talk to the likes of us."

"But we go home tomorrow. What if something's happened to him? The Colonel will kill us if we don't say anything and he's been scooped up by the NID or worse!"

"Hey, Daniel will kill us if we pull another Rio on him."

"Rio?"

"Way before your time, Iain. The Colonel decided to turn up during the conference and drag Daniel around Rio and who knows where else. They didn't get back for two days but in the meantime we'd hit the panic button and called in the dogs. The Colonel laughed his ass off, but the General was so not amused. And Daniel - he didn't say a word, but oh boy!"

"Okay, if he doesn't turn up by tonight - we'll think again at dinner what to do, if anything."

* * *

Jack O'Neill closed the door to Daniel's office and was considering where to look for him next when he saw a clump of archaeologists milling around down the hallway. He didn't know all their names but a few were familiar. He wondered once again if Hammond would reconsider his request to order all civilians to wear their name badges in the prescribed places so he could tell who the hell he was talking to on these occasions.

"Hey there... Fred. Is Dr Jackson with you?"

Friedrich, who had been gazing at him sourly as he approached, looked around pointedly. "No, he is not."

"I can see that. Do you know where he is?"

"No idea, Colonel. Sorry."

O'Neill's eyes narrowed. "Then what are you doing here if you aren't meeting him?"

The archaeologist brightened. "The General agreed to meet with us in the archaeology lab so that we can make our case for a return to P4X 602. The artifacts that were retrieved there are extremely exciting and it is imperative that an operation be scheduled -"

"Ah!" O'Neill held his hand up and went on, "Dr Jackson mentioned it. Have you spoken with him this morning?"

Friedrich reluctantly admitted, "Not this morning, no."

It did not take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that these people were hiding something. "When did you last speak to him? Have you seen him today?"

Suddenly no one was looking at O'Neill directly, and he was about to get some answers and fast when General Hammond swept around the corner with his support staff. As soon as the General saw O'Neill he said, "Oh Colonel, I left a message for you - Dr Jackson has been delayed in Washington - he'll be back tomorrow. Would you like to join us in this meeting?"

"Oh, thanks, and no thanks, General, lots to do, places to go...."

* * *

Two days later, SG-1 met in the gate room prior to departure for P3X 350. Daniel was discussing the merits of the conservation-vs-hands-off schools of thought of museum professionals with Sam, Teal'c, and the two trainees attached to SG-4, who were providing security backup.

Jack O'Neill breezed into the room, followed by General Hammond. O'Neill flicked a glance at Daniel, said, "So nice of you to join us, Dr Jackson," and gathered up Sam and Teal'c for a private word while they waited for the gate to engage. The General stopped what he was doing to regard his number one team, but said nothing.

Daniel's heart sank, and the others were already through the gate before he began to walk up the ramp.

~~~

The mission was important enough to warrant the presence of three SG teams plus the negotiators, to provide the variety of services needed to ensure a strong alliance with their new ally and its trading partners. Unfortunately for Daniel, the trade negotiations involved representatives from five language groups, and the 18-hour negotiating days were a challenge for the only person who could provide translation services to all.

On the fourth day, thanks to a religious event to which none of the SGC personnel were invited, Daniel had an entire afternoon off translation duties. Other than exhaustion he was fine, and he was looking forward to being able to sleep for however long he was allowed as soon as they got back to base.

The settlement chosen for negotiations was large enough that he had not seen the rest of his team at all, even at night when SG-1 almost invariably kept in close proximity to each other if possible. Daniel had been assigned a small room in the same quarters the trade delegations were housed. The location was austere but safe enough from any danger, and he walked through the buildings, looking for someplace comfortable and cool to relax, until he came to a sheltered courtyard with high walls and a few trees providing shady relief from the sun, and a pleasant change from severely functional architecture. There were padded chairs and benches provided, but there was no one else around. Probably everyone was at the ceremony in the main structure of the settlement, he figured.

He lay drowsing in the afternoon sun, thinking of the unexpected events of the past week. By now Alec was undoubtedly back at his home in Ireland, preparing to complete work on the massive book he had been planning for the past fifteen years. It would be a year, or perhaps never, before he saw Alec again, though Daniel was invited to visit at any time he wished to turn up. He smiled warmly at that generous offer - a visit might make things extremely awkward between Alec and whoever his companion of the moment might be - but the offer was firm.

"What's so funny?"

Daniel jerked and nearly fell off his bench. "Jesus, Jack!" He glared at the grim-faced man staring down at him. There had been no sound to warn him at all, even in the breezeless afternoon heat.

"So - you going to share?"

Daniel's throat was so tight he knew he would not be able to respond without letting on how strongly he'd been affected. He swallowed and turned away deliberately so that his back was to Jack. He listened and waited, but had no idea when or how Jack actually left the courtyard.

Later that night, after hours of internal fuming during the interminable negotiations, he resolved he'd discover what Jack's problems with him were before they left this planet. He found the guard on watch duty and got directions to the small hut where the SG teams were camped, and was told that Colonel O'Neill was "checking security".

Sam and Teal'c had already turned in for the night, but Jack was nowhere to be seen.

Daniel walked for hours combing the settlement, periodically returning to verify that Jack had not returned, but at last he had to give up or he'd have no sleep before the discussions that were reconvening early in the morning. Disappointment and defeat flavored his dreams during the few hours' rest he got that night.

The next evening he went directly from the negotiations hall to the SG teams' bivouac. Teal'c halted his training session with the new men, who immediately collapsed in the grassy area surrounding the tents.

"Daniel Jackson, it is good to see you."

"Good to see you, too. I've missed you guys."

"Are the negotiations going well?"

He shrugged. "Slower than molasses in January, but you could say that, yeah."

"O'Neill has informed me that molasses is a thick liquid made of sugar that is a necessary ingredient in one of his favorite foods."

Daniel smiled. "Right, Teal'c. You should get him to make you some of those sometime."

"I shall indeed ask him to do so. Are you looking for him now?"

Daniel was taken aback by the direct question because he had no idea how he should answer it. He had told Teal'c of his problem with Jack, and believed that if Teal'c were in the same situation and Jack did not want to deal with it, then Teal'c would take it no further. However, in this matter, he believed Teal'c would not judge him badly. "Yes, I have to talk to Jack. I can't wait much longer. I'm not like you, Teal'c, I need to understand."

"Have you considered that perhaps O'Neill himself does not understand?"

"No... no, that has not occurred to me."

"Then is it not possible he will agree to 'talk', when he does?"

Daniel shook his head. "Teal'c, have you noticed that interrogators all the way from one end of the galaxy to the other have made very strong efforts to make Jack talk, with absolutely no success?"

"This is true, Daniel Jackson. O'Neill allows his actions to speak for him."

"In this case, Jack's actions are saying the same things he does when he can bring himself to speak to me."

Teal'c looked at Daniel with sympathy in his eyes. "I regret this situation between yourself and Colonel O'Neill."

"I do too, Teal'c. Where is he, by the way? And where is Sam?"

"Several hours ago the Colonel took Major Carter and the engineering team to a small village approximately 27.4 kilometers from here. There has been an unfortunate collapse of their water distribution system. Winter approaches, and they must repair it or build an alternate system before too long or their ability to provide food and water for the population will be threatened."

"27 point -"

"4."

"Right. Well, that's that for tonight, I guess. Unless there's a fast vehicle hidden in the bushes?"

"There is not."

"I'd better go back and get some sleep, then. Goodnight, Teal'c."

"Sleep well, Daniel Jackson."

~~~

As it turned out, Daniel returned to the SGC before his teammates. Two days after he spoke with Teal'c, Jack and Sam still had not returned to camp. The negotiations successfully concluded, he was no longer needed, and General Hammond ordered him back home while the others stayed on for a few extra days to help the local population with their emergency. He had volunteered to stay and help but was told he would be more useful at home. He wanted to argue, but as he believed Jack was the source of that decision, he agreed without debate.

IV

As soon as he opened the door of his apartment, Daniel could smell the sour reek of the milk he had forgotten to throw out the previous week during the dash between the airport and the mountain. He decided to clean and air the place out before getting down to work that had been neglected during his 'holiday' in Washington. He smiled, thinking of Alec, and wished his life were not so unmanageable.

A knock at the door interrupted his domestic activities, and when he looked over to the doorway he was totally dumbfounded to see Alec standing there, apparently amused.

"I understood that Americans are very diligent about locking their doors. Have I been misled?"

Still not quite believing that he wasn't unconscious or having an hallucination, Daniel put down his broom and dustpan carefully and walked over to Alec. Looking into his eyes, he put his hands gingerly on Alec's chest, then quickly wrapped him in a delighted embrace.

Alec laughed and kissed him briefly. "We'd better do something about the door, or another of my notions about Americans might be substantiated."

Daniel detached himself and went to the door. "Not all Americans, thank god." He saw two cases outside in the hall, and Alec confirmed, "My worldly possessions, mo leannán."

Daniel's heart clenched and he was a little unsteady by the time he got the bags into the hallway and the door locked.

Alec looked back at Daniel from the living room area, his manner concerned. "I am gathering that you did not receive my message, Daniel."

"I... just got in an hour ago. I've been away - work... trip." Oh great - here is Daniel, at his scintillating best.

Alec instantly allowed him a retreat. "Would you like to take some time to consider whether you'd like to have a houseguest? I can easily find a hotel -"

"NO! Uh, no, no, don't go, please. Let's sit down and start again. Do you want coffee, tea?"

Alec nodded. "A good strong cup of tea would be just the thing, I think, to get us over this rather awkward situation."

Daniel went into the kitchen to put the kettle on, took some deep breaths, and considered what he should do. Not love, he thought with regret. On either part. Although there was companionship of the sort he'd longed for for years. But with Jack. What Alec saw in him was as much a mystery as ever and he could not worry about that too. He'd come all this way.... That it was a temporary arrangement was also a good thing: Daniel was realistically not sanguine about his chances of living two score, let alone four score and ten. And it would help to keep him from thinking about Jack. All right.

~~~

While Daniel made tea, Alec walked around the apartment, browsing through his books, artifacts, and inspecting the facilities. Daniel was relieved he hadn't started working on the material he'd brought home, and therefore had no notes to hide. It would be difficult enough to explain his situation. Except for his laptop and whatever documents he was currently working on, he now left nothing at home that wasn't strictly non-SGC related. He never wanted his friends to have to go through cleaning out his place of classified material again.

~~~

"Tea." He put their cups down and sat beside Alec on the couch. He put his hands in Alec's, not wanting him to think there was distance between them, and looked at the man who was very dear to him. "You sent me a message?"

"I did indeed. As soon as I got home I realized I'd done a very stupid thing. There I was, freezing my bollocks off in that bloody crypt of a house, and here you were, the most desirable man I know, somewhere in centrally heated America. And I had been seriously considering staying there alone for the entire year!"

"Um - Jeremy?" Daniel inspected the carpet, not wanting to see Alec's reaction to that.

But Alec leaned down to kiss Daniel's neck. "He was never in the running, you know. And now he's gone off in a bit of a tizwaz, actually. Hell of a temper on the lad."

Daniel smiled and looked questioningly at Alec, "And you would like to stay with me while you work on your book?"

Alec gazed at him, his expression showing unequivocally what he desired. "If you'll have me."

Daniel hoped that what he felt was clear on his face. "You are most welcome in my home, Alec. And in my b... my bed."

He put his hands up to Alec's chest before Alec could speak further. "You know I work for the military. This means I have to get clearance for anybody staying with me - and I can't talk about my work. And there is security surveillance. Just so you know... in case you don't want to have anything to do with that sort of thing."

"My dear Daniel, for you I believe I would sign an endorsement for that piss the Yanks mistakenly call beer."

Daniel laughed.

* * *

"I realize what I'm asking, General. It's just that it is a totally private matter, and I don't want anyone here to... well, I mean...."

"Not even Colonel O'Neill?"

"No, sir. Please understand, it's not a secret. I just don't want to discuss it."

"I'll agree to this on one condition, and that is that you and Colonel O'Neill get yourselves back on track and speak to each other in a civil manner. I already had a talk with him about this situation before you left on your last assignment."

"Oh! Does Jack think that I -"

The General looked kindly at Daniel. "He knows you'd never say anything, Dr Jackson. But these things left unchecked affect morale and I will not have that."

"I will do my best, General."

"I'm sure you will, son."

~~~

Daniel sighed as he left another message with Jack's clerk. The next step would be to camp out at his office door. He still wanted to get to the heart of what was eating Jack, and General Hammond's directive gave him a reason to confront Jack as soon as possible.

He did not plan to mention Alec, at least not yet. As Jack had not dropped in for a visit in months, he saw no need, and he honestly was more than a little apprehensive about how Jack would react, considering how little Jack thought of him now. Daniel may have given up hope for Jack's love, but he wanted very much to recoup something of the friendship they once had without his situation adding a complication. He was puzzled at Jack's active avoidance of meeting with him. Jack usually preferred to face situations head on, and this new behavior threw Daniel enough that he really didn't know what he should do.

~~~

All his planning became moot when the man himself entered Daniel's office and firmly shut the door behind him.

Hands in his pockets, Jack strolled over to the desk and looked down. He seemed calm enough. "So, Daniel, I hear from about a dozen people around here that you want to see me."

Daniel felt far from calm. "Jack, please sit down."

"No, I don't think I'll be here long."

"Please, I am asking you to sit here long enough for us to talk about what's wrong between us."

Jack looked annoyed now and took his hands out of his pockets to lean on the desk and loom across it at him. "What are you talking about? We go out on missions - you do your thing - I do my thing. There is nothing wrong between us. Now, if you will excuse me...." He turned to go.

Daniel stood and caught up to Jack before he could leave. He suddenly felt like a child in a playground, trying desperately to get the most popular kid in school to notice him, and he was sick of trying, hating that this was so important to him.

"Daniel, step aside."

Everything he had prepared to say to him forgotten, and feeling like a total fool, he couldn't look at Jack directly and fiddled with his fingers as he said instead, "Jack, what did I do? Whatever it is, I am so sorry. It must be something I said, I didn't mean to make you mad."

He could hear Jack sigh. "Daniel... I am not mad at you."

Daniel chewed his lip and tried to remain still. He wanted to seem uncaring but he was so flustered that he couldn't. "You won't talk to me. I've tried everything I know to find out what I did to make you treat me like this."

After a moment, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Jack's voice was placatory as he said, "Look, you didn't do anything. Be angry with me if you like but you have to stop bugging me about it."

Rising anger gave Daniel the nerve to face Jack directly. "You've been treating me like shit for months. I must have done something!"

Jack put his hands up as if to fend him off and backed up a couple of steps. "I swear you didn't. This is just... me. Leave it alone. Please."

"Can't you trust me? I don't - I'd never tell." Daniel desperately tried to find something to say to get at the truth.

But Jack obviously had no intention of going any further. Though he looked troubled, he only offered, "I'm... sorry. I guess I've hurt you and I didn't want to do that. I'm sorry."

They stood facing each other until Jack shook his head and gripped Daniel's arms to move him aside. He left the office, and gently closed the door behind him.

~~~

Routine reestablished itself around the unacknowledged change in relationships in SG-1. Jack no longer baited Daniel, Daniel accepted the improvement without comment, and the General was satisfied. The other two carried on as usual, except Daniel was more frequently paired up with Sam while off-planet. They worked well together, as always, but Daniel could not give up hope that one day he and Jack could be friends again.

V

"Alec - have you seen my journal?"

"I believe it spent the better part of the night under my right buttock."

Daniel grinned and went to look for it. "I told you I wasn't finished with it."

"I'm thinking you might do well to start a fresh one, unless it never leaves the house."

"...Oh it's all.... Oh, Alec!"

"A man can only deal with so many activities at the same time, Danny."

The arrangement worked out surprisingly well. As soon as his boxes of research materials arrived, Alec worked on his draft manuscript most waking hours and, except for missions and emergencies, Daniel no longer virtually lived in his office at the base. Both men could produce a few good meals. Their sexual activities could be best described as enormously satisfying and - for Daniel, at least - embarrassingly frequent. Daniel was well aware that Alec still saw him as his junior and that this would never change, even though he was hardly the gawky teenager he'd been when they had first met. He really didn't mind. This would not be his ideal for a lifetime relationship, but Alec was inordinately attentive and he could hardly imagine another instance where he'd be in this situation again.

They also spent many hours, while walking or driving through the sights of Colorado and environs, in discussion on subjects in his own areas of expertise where he was recognized as an equal, and this was an extraordinary pleasure. He'd had few opportunities to indulge in the type of argument and counter argument which gave such great satisfaction to both men. In spite of, or perhaps because of, the far-ranging subjects they explored, Daniel was never tempted to get too deeply into areas which might cause Alec to be exposed to more danger than he already was.

Without giving away classified details, Daniel had explained the possibility of the relationship between them putting Alec into danger. Alec understood that Daniel was very serious about this and did not dismiss his concerns, but he had evidently not even been tempted to leave. Daniel was well aware that Alec's manners would never allow him to bring up the subject again unless he himself brought it up first. He also suspected fondly that Alec viewed the possible danger as added spice to their robust sex life but, all in all, he was quite confident that he was protecting Alec as well as he could. That he was absolutely certain Alec would gladly accept the danger if he knew the truth of Daniel's work made it easier to keep the secret from him. He knew it was totally selfish, but could not face losing someone as close to him as Alec, for there would be not one person left alive outside the SGC that Daniel cared about and who cared about him.

Daniel was cautious enough to avoid most places where they might meet anyone from the base, but there was an awkward moment one evening when one of the women in his linguistics section turned up at a restaurant where he and Alec were just starting dinner. She introduced her husband to Daniel, but of course did not recognize Alec, and she looked carefully around the restaurant, plainly hoping that the rest of SG-1 would be lurking around somewhere. Daniel was not pleased at the unexpected demonstration of hero worship, and said that his teammates would not be joining them. Alec considered Daniel's scowl quite appealing, and when the couple were out of earshot asked provocatively when he might be allowed to meet these super beings. Daniel responded in kind, and their conversation escalated in innuendo and enticement with the result that they had to leave for home before dessert could be served.

~~~

With a reason to stay home more often, and Alec immersed in his own work, Daniel often found himself thinking of his parents. He was surrounded by their furniture and collections, so this was hardly unexpected. He also had some of his grandfather's more delicate pieces for safe-keeping, and hoped that Nick had found that the "giant alien beings" he had sought for so many years were worth the sacrifices he had made along the way. Daniel had thought that he was over the effects of Nick's decision to seek the fountain of youth years ago, but it had only taken that first meeting with Nick in the mental hospital to acknowledge that he had quite a number of very strong unhappy memories and feelings about the situation. He laughed at himself, the idiot who thought he had some modicum of control over his life.

~~~

To soothe his inner tumult, Daniel began to play the piano again, after years of leaving it alone. His father had played very well, and he remembered his parents wondering if he would take up a life-long interest in it. His father had given him his first lessons when he was four, and both parents kept up their tutelage whenever they were at home or staying with friends who had a piano. To honor them, he took classes when he could - the beautiful precision of Bach, the brilliant passion of Beethoven, the humor and diversion of Stravinsky all appealed, and Daniel had another reason to be grateful for his good memory. He was rusty, but he could still play, and it gave him more pleasure than it ever did in all the years since his parents' deaths.

Alec often came to sit with him after he'd been playing for long hours, enrapt with the freedom given to him by the music. Sometimes Alec would just lean against him, sometimes humming or even singing the melody lines as they unfolded until Daniel tired of playing, and on other occasions Alec would be impatient and begin to kiss and touch him gently, compellingly, until Daniel was overtaken by passion and play of quite another kind.

~~~

From time to time Daniel did consider what his life might become if he left the SGC to live with Alec and go back to academia. Alec had asked him several times to do so, and was keenly troubled because he could not understand why Daniel refused. Daniel suspected that if he and Alec were together much longer he might come to care for Alec too much and seriously consider leaving. Daniel's dilemma was not so difficult now that Jack had stopped behaving so aggressively towards him, but there was still a wariness, and a distance that was carefully maintained at all times which was painful nevertheless.

In spite of the let-up of constant quarrels with Jack, it was impossible for Daniel to choose between the arguments for a friendless existence combined with an occupation that provided monumental but secret discoveries, versus a life of comfort and companionship but with a discredited reputation in his field. Daniel considered himself undeserving of any success and happiness he'd already had in his life, though he did occasionally wonder what it might be like to have it all.

~~~

After the first draft of his book was finished, Alec began to make monthly trips to London to confer with his editor and publishers, and during these times Daniel came to comprehend for the first time since Shau're's death just how solitary his life was. He'd never had close friends really, never had any time unless they were actually working with him. But Daniel did not want to return to his lonely life, and he resolved to do something about this when the time came for Alec to leave.

What that solution might be he would have to leave to the future to provide, for he had no idea what to do.

* * *

It was very late, and they were sitting in an inactive departure lounge at the airport. They had removed themselves to a distance from areas where there were any people, to get the most privacy possible in the circumstances. Many of the passengers for Alec's flight had scattered for food or drink when the flight was postponed for the second time, and there was no one around, not even the cleaners who normally used this time of the night to mop up without the bother of passengers around.

Alec put his arm around Daniel. "Another two hours at least. Daniel, you are very tired - you needn't wait with me. Why don't you go home now and get some rest?"

"No, I want to wait with you and then just go straight on to work." Daniel turned to look directly at Alec. "Tired of my company?"

Alec leaned into Daniel and spoke softly, near his ear. "Mo luran, you know better than to say that. What is it?"

"Nothing, maybe. Not sure. But... Alastar, I think I don't want to be alone any more."

Alec sighed and gathered Daniel up in his arms. "Come with me, mo chroí. I'll see to it you are never alone."

Daniel gazed at him with deep affection. "You are way too good to me."

"I'm thinking that not enough people have been good to you." He looked into Daniel's eyes and said, sadly, "I wish I could be the answer for you, Danny, but I think we neither of us had it in us to be in love with each other, and that is really what you want, isn't it?"

Daniel had to look away. "This is more than I deserve."

"That does not answer my question."

"Truthfully... I believe that I am afraid of wanting more. I don't want to be in love. Look what's happened to those I've loved."

After some while Alec said, "May I ask, how did your wife die? You never said."

"She was killed - in an accident. And I do love you, Alec."

"I know that, my dear Daniel, and you know that you are as dear to me as any lover I've had. Yet the truth of it is that you are still young enough to want the madness of it, and I am too old and selfish ever to love anyone more than my work.

"But, Daniel, you know that you can always have a home with me whenever you get over this gratitude you have for the employment the government has given you. I've no doubt whatsoever your work at that - place - is very important for your country, but surely your own theories deserve your attention now as well? With me you could -"

"You have my best interests at heart, I know, and you can't possibly imagine how much that means to me. But I also know this is where I must be, at least for a while, until I can see where my future lies."

Alec regarded Daniel gravely and pulled him even closer. Daniel leaned his forehead against Alec's. "And so, Alec - you are mine, for now, and I am yours... for now."

Alec kissed his hair and said, "If we weren't in a bloody drafty hollowed-out monolith numbing our arses on totally tasteless plastic seating in the middle of a country that would have me in front of a firing squad for defiling one of their native sons, I would show you just how much you are mine."

Daniel laughed. "You've got five days to devise your strategy, Professor. I'll be waiting."

VI

Jack stared at the unconscious body of his friend. His former friend. Whoever he was now - Jack had no idea.

Machines pinged and beeped quietly, bags of life-sustaining liquids dripped, needles and tubes entered and other tubes drained. The doctor had left the room some while ago after declaring the danger was over, but Daniel's teammates were still with him, waiting for a sign of recovery.

Daniel had been placed in a three-quarters prone position by the medical team, in order to allow the dressings to rest with the least amount of discomfort on his back and leg. He was facing away from Jack, and Jack stared intently at the back of Daniel's head with an expression of pain and frustration.

"I told him. I told him to move it, get back to the gate. Why does he never do what I tell him?" Jack's fists rubbed his aching temples.

Carter looked sympathetically at her senior officer. "He does, sir. If there's no one else around that needs help."

Teal'c added, "Daniel Jackson does not believe that his life is as important as others'."

"Why doesn't he? We need him here - the Program needs him. I've a good mind to let MacKenzie -"

"O'Neill!" "Sir!"

"I told him to go. Those people were all dead. He could see they'd been ambushed by the Jaffa shooting at us. We couldn't do anything. We had to go. Why didn't he just go?"

"Al... sr...."

"What did he say, sir?"

"Sounded something like Alice. Look, I'll stay here with Teal'c - you go home, Sam. I'll keep you posted."

"You should get some rest yourself, O'Neill. It has been a most difficult day. I am capable of staying with Daniel Jackson for many hours before I must perform kel-no-reem."

Jack rubbed his face and looked at Sam, who nodded, and he said, "Yeah, you're right. I'll see you in the morning, Teal'c. Make sure he... doesn't go anywhere."

Teal'c bowed. "I shall tell him that his friends await his return."

"...Nnnnn."

Teal'c bent to speak very quietly to his comrade. "Daniel Jackson, it is good that you awaken."

".... Jack?"

"He has gone home to rest, as has Major Carter. They are most concerned for you."

"I'm... fine." Daniel turned his face into his pillow.

Teal'c looked at his friend with compassion and, when it was evident that Daniel was asleep, left to advise the doctor that her patient had had a moment of consciousness.

~~~

"Colonel O'Neill, can I speak to you for a minute before you go in to see Daniel?"

"Yeah, doc, what is it?"

"Was there.... Was Daniel alone with the Jaffa during the attack?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean simply that, Colonel. Was he?"

"Well, he was out of our sight for about a half hour before we found him. Is that what you're asking?"

"Yes, thank you."

"What's this all about?"

"I'll let you know if necessary, Colonel."

"Are you saying they did something to him?"

"I don't know, that's what I'm trying to find out."

"What do you think they did?"

"I'm sorry, but there's no way I can discuss that."

"So... how is he?"

"Better than I'd expected but it will still be a few weeks before he can get back to work. As you know, I kept him under for an extra twelve hours to give the staff burns a chance to heal further. It was very lucky he wasn't hit straight on - he should be able to go home in a couple of days."

"That's great. Thanks."

~~~

Daniel opened his eyes and was surprised to see Jack. "Hello."

Jack looked Daniel over. "Hello. How you doing there?"

"I'm okay. I can go home soon."

"Whoa! - not for another couple of days the doc says."

"That's ridiculous. I'm perfectly fine - um, well, the burns will take a little while, but that shouldn't keep me in here."

"Nothing else hurt?"

"No. Why?"

"Oh, I dunno. You must have taken a pretty bad fall when you got hit by the staff weapons. Lots of bruises, the doc says."

"Yeah, well, that's the payment for getting caught, isn't it?"

"What is?"

"The payment."

"What payment?"

Daniel was puzzled. "Bruises."

"Oh, okay. You need anything?"

He shook his head. "Thanks. Nyan brought me stuff from my office. He told me that the material they brought back from P3X 602 months ago - remember? - proved without a doubt that the natives had been transported well before the dates we first thought there was any Goa'uld presence in that region, so it must have been -"

"O-kay, you're better." He patted Daniel's uninjured side. "See you later."

"See you. Thanks. Bye, Jack." Daniel closed his eyes and wondered.

"No!"

"Dr Jackson, you need to tell me if this is related to your injuries."

"It's not - this is not your business. It's personal!"

"I am your doctor, and this is my business! You have evidence of -"

"Stop! Please! Can't you take my word for it that this has nothing to do with the Jaffa?"

"Only if you offer me a reasonable explanation." Dr Fraiser waited expectantly.

Daniel hung his head and was silent for several minutes. "All right. But this is strictly between us, right?"

She sighed. "Of course, Daniel."

~~~

"Oh, Colonel?"

"Yes, your medicalness?"

"Very funny, Colonel O'Neill. Would you get some clothing for Daniel out of his locker for him to go home in? I had to cut everything off him when you brought him

in here."

"Sure. I'll ask him what he wants."

"No, don't bother him now, he's sleeping. You can come back later this afternoon with the clothes. Anything loose and comfortable will do."

Unfortunately, Jack's search of Daniel's locker revealed nothing suitable: just boots, webbing, and other accouterments. It looked like Daniel had taken most of his things home to wash, so Jack decided to go around to Daniel's place and get a set of his old sweats. Those should be easy to get into.

Jack signed out the keys to Daniel's apartment from Security, who kept a set of everyone's keys in case of emergencies. As he drew up outside the building, he could not remember the last time he'd been there, and he felt strangely sad about that.

As he entered the apartment, Jack noticed that it didn't have the stale, still air of a place whose owner had been away. Probably just the cleaning people, he thought. He went straight through to the bedroom and saw that the bed had been straightened but not made, which was unusual for Daniel.

He looked around. Everything was pretty much the same... except there were a couple of new photographs. He picked them up and saw one of a young Daniel with a European academic type around 35 years old - they were seated in an old-fashioned room - and Daniel looked guarded. The other photo was the same man with Daniel, and it appeared to have been taken very recently somewhere in the countryside near the city. The man was looking down at Daniel fondly, and Daniel looked happy. Well.

Jack resumed his mission to find sweats for Daniel. He opened some drawers with no luck, and soon it was apparent that there were lots of clothes in the room that were not Daniel's size or style. Any style he'd ever seen him wearing, anyway. Well, well.

He eventually found the sweats, grabbed socks and sneakers, and started to leave the apartment. He was nearly at the door when the subject of the photographs walked in with bags of groceries and regarded him curiously.

"Hello. Would you be a thief?"

Jack looked the man over. Irish accent, jeans, t-shirt, very like his photograph, good-looking in a British kind of way, except the photos did not capture the extraordinary sapphire blue of his eyes.

"Uh, no. At least, not today." He was very uncomfortable talking to this man in Daniel's home, and he resented the feeling, as well as the man. And Daniel too, come to think of it, for putting him in this position.

"Daniel's being released from the infirmary later today and I was picking up some clothes for him." He swung the sneakers in his hand.

"Oh, that's very kind, thank you. General Hammond left a message."

"Hammond?"

"Yes, he's Daniel's -"

"I know who he is. Well, I'll be going now."

"Goodbye, Mr...."

"O'Neill. Jack O'Neill. Two els."

"I am Alexander Elliott. Slán, Mr O'Neill."

~~~

Daniel had been home for several days before the subject of Jack O'Neill came up. Daniel was lying beside Alec, resting and chatting. True to his word, Alec had not commented on the injuries except for questions directly related to dressing the wounds and changing the bandages. However, his solemn expression spoke volumes. At length Alec decided to venture so far as to ask about the person who had come to the apartment.

"Do you know a fellow by the name of O'Neill, Daniel?"

"Yes. Why?"

"It was he who came here to pick out the clothes you came home in."

"Oh. He is the one I...."

"Yes, I thought as much."

"Did you, um, speak?"

"Not what you'd call a conversation."

Daniel laughed wryly at the very idea of Jack and Alec having a conversation of any kind. "Jack's not at his best in polite exchanges."

"I would say that he'd have gladly seen my head on a pikestaff rather than ask what I was doing there. Of course, I could have been the maid," he sniffed.

Daniel laughed out loud at the image, then paid for it with a fit of violent coughing.

Alec carefully held him still without pressing on his bandages. "Toosht, toosht, my dear one. Quiet now, and I'll lay out the new plan of my revised chapter for you."

* * *

During the weeks that Daniel was at home recuperating, Jack thought often of the man he met and what place he might have in Daniel's life. It was pretty clear that neither Sam nor Teal'c knew of his existence. None of them had been invited to Daniel's place for quite some time, which was not at all unusual now that the close and easy camaraderie of their early days was long past. These days they met in restaurants for the few celebrations that events necessitated. General Hammond, apparently, was completely aware of the situation. No surprise there, of course.

The relationship between Daniel and his 'friend' increasingly usurped Jack's attention during the day and even his dreams at night. Obviously known to Daniel from years ago. What was their relationship? Where had he come from? Could this be permanent?

Then, one night, he dreamed that Daniel was lost somewhere Jack couldn't reach him, but he could hear his voice, and Daniel kept saying that word he'd said in the infirmary. And in the dream he realized, with a deep ache in his heart he did not understand, that Daniel must have been wanting to see that Elliott guy. Jack woke up, heart racing. Daniel always called for Jack first. Always.

~~~

The next night he invited Carter out for a beer and she almost willingly pried herself away from her experiments.

"... and now Cassie's determined that there's no way Jason is going to get away with that. She's given him two weeks to shape up or he's history." She shook her head with fond amusement at the thought.

"Yeah, she's a great kid." Jack downed the rest of his beer and inspected the table. "Look, Sam, do you think Daniel's changed - much - lately?"

She stiffened and went on carefully, sadly, "We don't see him away from the base any more. I miss him."

He blew his breath out. "Yeah, me too."

Sam perked up. "Hey, why don't you invite him to the barbeque on the weekend? He should be able to stay out for a while. I could pick him up, or Teal'c could -"

"Nah, I don't think he'd come."

"Why not?"

"Looks like he's got company."

Sam shook her head, unconcerned. "How do you know? Anyway, that's no problem. They could come too. Or, is this someone who is looking after him, helping him? A nurse?"

"I don't think so."

She focused on him now, worried. "What are you saying?"

Jack shook his head and regarded the ceiling. "I think we left him behind."

"What? We see him every day, well, at the SGC we do, or did until...."

He sat forward and pointed at her. "Have you seen him since he was sent home?" When Sam looked guilty he went on. "Well, I haven't either. Teal'c has, a couple of times but I had to ask him directly before he admitted it."

"Why didn't he tell us?"

"I think you know why. And anyway, it wasn't social or anything, not at his place. Janet sends a driver to pick him up for regular inspections. He asked Teal'c down there to discuss some translations because Janet won't let him go to his office."

Sam laughed, "But Daniel goes where everyone fears to tread."

Jack looked away, and then went on to other subjects.

VII

Jack O'Neill was never a man to dwell deliberately on bad memories, or root around in his psyche for inner meaning and motivation. On the other hand, he was a great deal more intelligent than he projected to others. This smokescreen had started in his academy days, and he had found it often had unexpected advantages. Now, when he was actually considering that he should examine his motives more carefully, he didn't have a lot of past experience to help him out, and keeping Daniel at arm's length for the past months was not something he wanted to think about at all.

At the beginning he had occasionally surprised himself at how sharp he'd become with Daniel, and he might have experienced the odd flash of regret. But he didn't know at what point or why he'd become repeatedly angry with him, chewing him out for negligible causes, so much so that he knew - now that he actually forced himself to think about it - how deeply he must have hurt Daniel. Daniel, who had nobody to talk to when Jack decided he would push him away, for no reason that he could justify.

Jack wasted more than one evening in regret and guilt, alcohol providing the means to forget for a while, when he knew the next day he could not forgive himself for the way he had deserted his friend. Daniel had never asked for friendship, but Jack knew very well how much Daniel wanted it. And they were friends, they all were, for a while. He had changed that without realizing it, for reasons he was just starting to examine.

He thought he might get a clue from an incident that kept coming to mind: it was during a mission on the planet Daniel said the Goa'uld called Porrima, cleaning up after dinner, getting ready to turn in. He and Teal'c went to walk the perimeter and came back to camp to find Sam and Daniel, knee to knee, deep in conversation. It had not been very long after Anise took herself and her contraption back to wherever the hell the Tok'ra were then. He was very conscious of his feelings for Sam, and didn't want to get into situations that would cause either of them problems.

But, when he saw them, knees touching, their heads together and talking softly, he felt an uncontrollable rage build up in him, and before he knew it he was right there in Daniel's shuttered face, accusing him of wasting time and neglecting his duties. Jack knew even as he was shouting at Daniel that it was ridiculous. Daniel worked harder than any of them. Even Sam took time to futz around with her motorcycles, and she visited her family and Janet regularly. Now, of course, he and Sam frequently went out for a beer, or whatever. But Daniel had been left alone, until... whenever that Alexander person came back from wherever he'd been since Danny was young. Daniel had looked so young in the picture he'd seen in his room. So defenseless. Jack wondered, Is that how he looks now when he's with us?

Daniel did not back down from him that day on Porrima, or any other day for that matter. But he should not have had to protect himself from Jack, too, of all people.

So, what was going on? Was he afraid that Daniel would have a problem with him for his... thing... with Sam? No, he knew that wasn't at all like Daniel. Had he been jealous that Daniel seemed to be too close to Sam at that moment? He really didn't think so. Maybe - was he afraid that he had been jealous of Sam for being so close with Daniel?

Aw crap - he couldn't think about this any more.

* * *

On the day Dr Fraiser sent Daniel home with permission to return to work the next week, Alec took Daniel to New York for a few days' change of scenery. To be sure, the scenery was mostly in the fusty vaults and warehoused collections of various museums, but it was good to get away from all that healthy air.

Besides, the evenings were spent in book stores, music stores, and other 'cultural' pursuits. They'd been to New York together a couple of times before, when Daniel had a break long enough to leave town, but this trip was somewhat of a farewell: it was unlikely they'd get a chance to come back here again before Alec's book was wrapped up and he would return to England to take up his new obligations.

Their final evening was quiet, and as romantic as anything Daniel had ever known. An elegant suite and a beautiful view of the city from their balcony allowing long silences and longer, much longer, lovemaking.

Alec gently massaged Daniel's healing skin, kissing him, silently asking again if Daniel would leave this dangerous occupation and come back to his true vocation. Nothing would tempt Daniel to explain his situation - he wished he could, so that Alec could experience the wonders that Daniel now knew - but he would not put Alec in danger, for any reason.

Daniel turned around in Alec's arms and whispered to him in the language they shared.

Alec shook his head sadly, and then proceeded to make this a night they both would remember for a very long time.

VIII

The game was over, and he hadn't seen more than a few minutes' play. And there was an empty beer bottle in his hand. Jack O'Neill loses his mind, again. Alert the press! Send memos! Give the man a cigar. Or....

Nope. Not going there. But if not there, where? C'mon, Jack: get - a - fucking - grip.

He made a decision and picked up the phone. "Sam? Hey, I know it's late, but can I come over? Yeah, I know, but this can't wait and I don't give a damn who knows. Okay. Bye."

In the short time it took Jack to get to her house, Samantha Carter tidied up the very few objects that were out of place and put on the coffee. From the sound of Jack's voice, it seemed like they were going to need some. Although she very seldom bothered at this hour, she freshened her makeup and brushed her hair. She had the feeling something was up, she needed to be ready for anything.

"Hey."

"Come in. Want coffee?"

"Oh, yeah." Jack O'Neill went into his 2IC's kitchen and poured them both mugs of coffee and sat down at the table.

She looked at him, curious and open and... lovely. She was a beautiful woman. And she would be a brilliant General, or whatever she wanted to be, someday.

He launched in before losing his nerve. "Sam, you know this... thing... that we have." He snuck a look at her. "Between us."

"Yes," she said, carefully. "What about it?"

"Well... what do you want to... do... about it?"

She was worried. "I don't think I should make that decision alone, Jack. What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to tell me how you feel... about it. What you think we should do."

Her instincts had been correct after all, and she suddenly wondered why they hadn't had this discussion a year ago. "Why has this come up now?"

"I don't know." He was irritated now. "Look, why can't you tell me what you think we should do?"

"Why don't you tell me what you want to do?"

They glared at one another, but Sam caved first, as usual, and said, "I want us to be good friends. I want to keep the team together. I don't want to be the cause of splitting us up." She paused. "Are you thinking that things should change between us? Have your feelings changed - for me?"

Jack silently contemplated the liquid in his cup for some time before he spoke again. "It's possible that they have - no, wait, I don't mean that. I mean maybe I didn't know what those feelings were."

Sam looked skeptical and broke eye contact in that way she did when she was pissed off at him. "What I understood at the time we had that experience with the Zatarc detector, and you've given me no reason to think otherwise over the past year whenever we've spent time together, is that you are... in... love with me." When he did not deny it, she went on, "And I felt - feel - the same."

"And does this make you happy?"

"Well... no, not so much now... but in the future... I thought.... What about you?"

"Yeah. I kinda feel the same."

Sam was still not clear on what he was trying to tell her, so she pressed on, "Jack, are you saying you want us to get together now, sooner?"

Jack backed away from the table, looking disturbed.

"No, I can see that's not what you were going to say to me." She fiddled with her cup.

Jack was abashed at his reaction. "I'm not saying anything! I don't know! Anything."

A thought came to her, from nowhere, that she'd never envisaged herself saying, "Are you - do you think you are... might be, interested in someone else?"

"No. There's nobody...." Sam looked at him dubiously, and he tried to explain his confusion, "It's just that you and Daniel were so close together, and I thought I was jealous...."

"You thought you were...?" Then she remembered the incident. "On Porrima. Jealous. Of Daniel?" and, when he didn't react, "or of, of - God! I can't believe I am saying this. Do you think that it's Daniel that you want? Daniel?"

Jack realized that this idea of talking was a disaster and looked at her with regret and resignation. "I only know that I think it's best that we get this decided between us. I don't know any more than that. I swear."

He waited for her reply while she calmed and considered the matter.

"It's possible that the detector's conclusion caused us to reach for the most logical, the most 'normal' reason. But" - she looked at him, eyes hard - "you are not going to deny the attraction?"

His instant threat assessment told him to speak nothing but the truth. "Never!"

She smiled at him for that. "Me too."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too, sir."

His guilt now well over the limit, he was ready to beg, "Don't."

She stood up. "I think we need a break."

Jack stood as well, and headed for the door. "Okay. See you tomorrow."

"Goodnight. Sir," she added, as she shut the door behind him.

* * *

Sam's head popped around his office door. "Morning, Daniel. How are you feeling?"

"Hey, Sam. Good. Thanks."

She came right into the room. "What am I saying - Janet wouldn't let you show your face in here if she didn't think you were okay. Have you had a chance to check your schedule for the day yet?"

Sam was babbling and Daniel was confused. "Uh, not yet. Is something special happening?"

"No, just thought I'd check to see if you were all right."

Daniel was surprised and looked slightly askance. Sam had the grace to blush. "I'm sorry, Daniel. I don't know what else to say."

He smiled, not wanting her to feel uncomfortable. "That's okay. Things can sometimes be... difficult."

Sam went over to him and gave him a hug. He had no idea what had just happened, but he felt as if an important part of his world had returned to its natural state, and he felt glad.

"See you."

"See you."

* * *

Daniel thought it was best to get the discussion with Jack about Alec over with as soon as possible now that he was back at work. SG-1 was assigned a standard recon mission, to get back into rotation after not being off-world for almost a month. P4T 331 was a planet enveloped in perpetual storms and freezing temperatures, and there wasn't anything in the way of shelter except their tents.

After a miserable and exhausting day of testing in below-zero conditions, they could confirm that the planet provided nothing more than a moderate possibility of naquada deposits in that location. No flora or fauna to support a native or imported population had existed for centuries, if ever.

Daniel dug and scraped many places he suspected might reveal indications of an indigenous or transplanted Goa'uld presence, but in the end found no evidence of settlements. As he huffed on his frozen fingers and tried to warm them under his armpits, he wished the engineers would come up with something more accurate than the UAV to scope out possible ruins further away from the stargate. Almost all the land mass was buried in ice and snow, and anything that might have been built in the past by the Goa'uld must be deep underground, or perhaps they'd always utilized semi-temporary shelters when they had business here. But it didn't look as though they were going to find anything on this mission.

Daniel was surprised to find himself sharing a tent with Jack that night and hoped that Jack had finally decided to renew normal relations between them. His fingers were still numb from scraping at ice-covered rocks, but he didn't want to mention them for fear it would set Jack off on a tirade about his lack of safety precautions. He waited for the subject of Alec to come up - then waited for any subject at all - but Jack seemed disinclined to converse, to Daniel's intense irritation. When Jack finally put the light out, Daniel could wait no longer and chanced speech.

"Alec said that you and he met."

"Yeah."

"Um. Would you like to meet him under better circumstances?

"No."

"Jack?"

"Good night, Daniel."

"...Night, Jack."

The next morning the remaining tests were accomplished as quickly as possible, and SG-1 struck camp for the walk back to the gate. Because of the storm, the team had to keep close together so that they would not get separated. Jack chose to take point, told Sam to stick to Daniel, and Daniel smiled to himself. All right. For now.

~~~

Later that day, Alec pointedly looked outside at the lovely warm evening and then at Daniel's hands. "Mild frostbite. The mind boggles, but I will not say another word." Instead, he kissed Daniel's hands and gazed dubiously at the medication Dr Fraiser prescribed to prevent infection. "They say," he went on, "that American children have their mittens sewn on to their outer clothing. My grandmother taught me to knit. Perhaps if I -"

Daniel tackled him from behind, but easily lost the battle, with the result that Alec lay comfortably on top of him on the bed while Daniel squirmed pleasurably.

Their good humor came to an abrupt halt when there was a knock at the door.

They hadn't called out for food, but Daniel went anyway and was speechless to find Jack at the door, hands in his pockets, looking exceedingly attractive in a black leather jacket, black t, and old jeans.

Jack stared intently at Daniel and smiled, "Hey, Daniel, can I come in for a minute?"

"Sure. Uh...." Daniel stepped back, Jack came in a pace and stopped.

Alec came up to stand beside Daniel. "Hello again."

Jack smiled cordially at Alec and said, "I guess we didn't really get off to a good start, so I thought I'd drop by and say welcome, and thanks for looking after Danny." He reached out and they shook hands.

Daniel's jaw dropped, his mouth forming a perfect O. Both men smiled gently at him, and more briskly at each other.

"It is and always will be my pleasure, Mr O'Neill."

"Please - Jack."

"Alec. Will you come in?"

"No. Uh no, thanks." He started to back up. "I just wanted to say... that."

Alec put a hand on Daniel's shoulder. "Good evening, then."

Daniel found his voice. "Jack...?"

"Good night Alec, Daniel."

* * *

"He loves you, you know."

"No. He'll never allow himself to. And I do not want to talk about Jack. I only want to talk about how you are going to make love to me without using your hands, so that you don't take unfair advantage," and he began his own moves to commence the campaign.

Later, however, Daniel lay awake in Alec's arms long into the night, wondering if Jack knew exactly what he was doing to him.

* * *

Jack O'Neill sat in a bar not far from Daniel's apartment, two quick doubles eating a hole in his gut. Okay, that was bad. No going back, no going forward. Nothing to do. Better get home.

Later, Jack lay awake long into the night, the image of Alec's hand on Daniel burning, burning.

* * *

The drive back from the airport seemed much longer than usual. Daniel was already wrapped in a sense of aloneness that had been the constant environment for most of his life. The time with Alec had gone too quickly. It was over, and he was not ready to be alone again.

But, there was always work, and there were many new ideas Alec and he had discussed - non-SGC related - that were waiting to be explored. He signaled and changed lanes to make a U-turn. He'd go back to his office and start immediately.

IX

"Okay, sir, I understand why Daniel has to go. But you know I'd only be a cog in a wheel, a fly in -"

"Colonel O'Neill, I expect you to show the new Generals that the very best of the Air Force is running this Command, and I do not want to hear any reports to the contrary. Am I making myself clear?"

"Oh yes, sir. Loud and. But you know Major Carter could use the exposure. She hasn't had a chance to show off her stuff and... thingies for months. Why, they'd -"

"A noble sacrifice, Colonel, but one which I will not require you to make at this time. I expect you and Dr Jackson to be in Washington ready to deliver your presentation at the Pentagon 0800 the day after tomorrow. Any questions? Good. Dismissed."

As they stood to leave the meeting room, Jack asked Daniel if he wanted to make his own travel arrangements. Daniel looked vague, indicated that he really had no preferences, and would be fine with any arrangements Jack's clerk made for him.

~~~

Daniel worked on his notes throughout the entire flight to Washington and was still writing as the cab drew up to the curb. The world resolved itself around Daniel as he and Jack got out of the cab, and he smiled with bitter irony as he saw that they were staying at the same hotel at which the archaeology conference was held last year. Jack looked at him curiously, but Daniel ignored the opening and they went in to register.

As the elevator approached Jack's floor, he turned to Daniel and said, "Do you want to have dinner or something to eat?" Daniel hadn't had an opportunity to get a meal during the day while he was preparing material for his speaking notes, and Jack must have noticed. He'd been under foot all day.

"Um, no thanks, still have lots to do."

"Then get something sent up to your room. See you at 0700 outside. They're sending a car." And he was gone.

~~~

Proving themselves as human as everybody else, the new Generals reacted to the briefing on the Stargate Program pretty much the same as anyone who found out about it: stunned, amazed, and then full of questions. As usual, military eyes glazed over after a couple of hours of thorough cultural background information from Daniel, but they all soared to life when Colonel O'Neill spoke of the tactical possibilities, and described the technical capabilities of the ships and weaponry they had come across so far.

Towards the end of the day, General Hall informed them that one of the new Generals had been unavoidably detained, and would arrive that evening. The entire performance was to be repeated the next day for one man. General Hammond was informed of the situation and reluctantly agreed to allow his men an extra day in Washington. This new and dilatory General was a well-known puppet of the NID. Jack ground his teeth, and Daniel stared at his hands.

~~~

"You have plans for dinner, Daniel?"

"Um, no. You?"

"No."

"You... I'm not -"

"Let's get something to eat. You didn't eat last night."

"Hey!"

"What?"

"Nothing."

~~~

Dinner was provided by a near-by restaurant, and conversation was minimal. Both men were drained from the day's activities. They'd done well, they thought, but there was still the repeat performance to go. Neither man had any illusions as to the importance of their briefings - it was vital that the top brass be committed to keeping the Stargate Program alive, or vultures like Kinsey would have the whole operation shut down in a flash.

Once back in his room Daniel headed straight for the bathroom to get ready for bed. He didn't know quite what to make of Jack, who seemed to be somewhat friendlier today, but he was too tired to think about it tonight. Tomorrow, on the flight back, he'd see then.

~~~

Sleep dissolved in a rush when Daniel felt a huge hand reach under him from behind to cover his mouth and he felt a sharp needle jabbing the skin under his right ear. Hot breath whispered into his ear, "Do not move."

There was no light, and Daniel quickly realized that there was no point in struggling considering the position he was in, and he decided to await developments. He and his captor jerked as a lamp at the other side of the room crashed, and he heard someone swear. Finally the room was bright, and he managed to look around, wishing he could reach his glasses. The man holding him threw a syringe down, dragged him backwards off the bed and hoisted him upright with ease without releasing his arms or uncovering his mouth.

The thug across the room shouted, "Shit! That's not him! That's Jackson, you idiot!"

"What? It's not my fault!" The hand on his face slackened. "Hotel records said this room! Fuck! What do we do now?"

Daniel figured this was a good time to make a suggestion. "You can let me go and get the hell out of here."

The man holding him grabbed his hair and pulled his head viciously to one side. "Oh no, buddy, we need you to fix this. You can tell us where Jack O'Neill is!"

It took Daniel a moment to get enough breath to speak through the pain. "How should I know? I'm not his keeper."

Thug One was obviously the boss and ordered his partner, "Keep him quiet! Okay, okay, give me a minute to think. They're teammates. O'Neill will come for Jackson for sure. We'll get him to come here."

Daniel bucked as the grip around his mouth tightened and he tried to bite. He attempted to kick himself free, but bare feet were no match for boots, and he was pushed down and kicked in the kidney so hard his vision blacked out briefly. Thug Two fell on top of him on the bed and growled into his ear, "They say you're pretty smart. Just tell us where he is and I won't be forced to hurt you real bad." He moved one meaty hand down towards Daniel's groin.

Although his face was being pushed into the mattress, Daniel tried to breathe and make himself heard as he fought to turn his head to the side, trying desperately to think of something to keep them away from Jack. "There's no way he'd fall for something stupid like that."

Thug One came over to the bed and pushed the barrel of his pistol into Daniel's right eye. "You call him and get him to come here for a little visit. I don't care how you do it, but if you don't...." He pushed harder.

"Why - why do you want him?" Daniel would die before he'd lure Jack into an ambush. He had to warn him, but it was inordinately hard to think about anything other than the steel pressing into his eye and Thug Two trying to pull him apart.

"That's none of your business." Then he laughed and said, "But maybe you'll find out if you live long enough." Thug One indicated he was ready to shoot, and Daniel decided his course. He pretended he was in agony over the decision, not too difficult considering how much he hurt, and then said, "All right, okay, I'll call him. Let me up."

The gun was removed but he was still held down on the bed by a knee on his spine. The phone receiver was placed at his ear. "No tricks, or I swear you are dead."

He was grateful that his hands were not free, because he couldn't dial Jack's room directly without revealing Jack's room number. He asked the operator to connect him. The phone rang only once before Jack picked up. "Yeah?"

Hearing Jack's voice was nearly his undoing, but he took a deep breath, heaved so that the receiver was under his chin and shouted, "Trap! Get away! Jack, they want you -" and knew no more.

~~~

"Danny... Danny... come on, Danny, wake up. Daniel...." Daniel felt Jack's hand rubbing his arm and the side of his face. He felt carpet under him. He could smell Jack's sweat and could hear urgency but no danger in Jack's voice, so everything must be fine. He could go back to sleep.

But, no such luck. "No, Daniel! C'mon - open your eyes for me here. If you don't wake up I swear to God I'll let Janet keep you for a week!"

Okay, time to wake up. "Ag."

"That's better."

"Ag."

"Yes, that's me." Jack was trying to help him up. Why was he doing that? His head was killing him. Why couldn't he sleep? "We've got to get out of here now." Oh.

"C'mon - you need some clothes on."

"Nooooooo."

"No no. Yeeeeeessssssss. Naked Daniels cannot go out on the street. Hey, help me out here! Dammit, Daniel!" Daniel tried, but couldn't move much. He was manhandled by Jack for an aeon and then they were moving, going down many, many stairs and out into a dark alley.

~~~

Daniel woke next in a dim room. He was dressed and lying on a small bed, perhaps a child's bed, but couldn't make out any other details of his surroundings. Jack was speaking with a man in the next room and Daniel called out to him. Jack was right beside him in a moment, stroking his cheek as he said quietly, "Hey, big guy, I thought you were going to sleep all day."

Daniel was parched, but he needed to know what was going on. "Where are we?"

"We're staying with a friend. I called Hammond and we're gonna be picked up pretty soon. You need some water? Aspirin?"

"Uh - lots of both, please." Then he remembered, "Hey, we have a presentation this morning. And what happened to those guys?" He immediately got dizzy as he tried to sit up.

"Whoa! You better lie back down there. Don't worry about those punks - I looked after them." Jack helped Daniel back down to lie as comfortably as he could. Daniel wished he could see Jack's face, but Jack continued his explanation as he got the water and pills for Daniel. "We're going to get you back home where Janet can have a look at you. They thought I could lead them to Maybourne. The General is looking after the loose ends. Here, take these." He sat on the bed beside Daniel. "I couldn't tell what all your injuries were, but as you were naked I could see that bastard had booted you pretty hard. And your head is still bleeding. Is there anything else we need to know?"

Daniel started to shake his head, then groaned when the pain increased tenfold. He shut his eyes tight. "Oh, one of them had a syringe but I don't think he used it."

"Yeah, I picked that up, in case. You have a small puncture on your neck. You sure that's it?"

"Who's your friend?"

"Old buddy I served with way back when. He's gone down to watch for our ride."

A thought suddenly focused Daniel's attention and he opened his eyes. "Hey, are you safe here? You shouldn't hang around waiting for me. What if -"

Jack shook his head and pressed his hand on his chest as if to keep him still. "No, Daniel, I am not leaving you. And we are fine here for the time being. Now that our people know where we are, there's no way the NID will make a move."

"You think those thugs are with the NID?"

"Hey, the NID is full of 'em, but you're right, they could have been hired for the occasion. Maybe I should be honored." His expression softened and he smiled down at Daniel. "You get some rest, let those pills work and I'll come for you as soon as we can get out of here. And - thanks for the warning."

The trip back to the SGC was a misery for Daniel. Jack contacted Dr Fraiser for instructions, but she would not allow any other analgesics until she'd personally checked him over thoroughly, as usual. His head and eye and back and genitals were aflame, and he longed for a bed that did not sway, bump, weave, or dip.

In the end, he had to stay two nights in the Infirmary, until he was relatively pain free and he'd stopped peeing blood. His teammates came to see him each day and admired the stitches in his scalp and his bruised and bloodshot eye. Jack asked if he could see Daniel's other bruises and was refused. Jack also asked if he needed a ride home, but Sam had already offered.

When Daniel got home, he found that Sam had cleared out the food in his apartment and brought in fresh groceries. She left him with a list of instructions and demanded that he phone her if he needed anything at all. When the door closed behind her, Daniel went to bed and remained there for two days. Jack did not call.

X

Sam, Teal'c, and Daniel were staring with varying degrees of interest at an object that Sam had been sent for analysis from a previous recon mission of SG-11's. Sam had asked the other two for their opinion of what the object might be, and so far they'd had nothing to offer.

There were some symbols on the object and Daniel was peering at them intensely.

Finally, Sam said, "What do you think it means, Daniel?"

After a long pause, Daniel admitted, "I have no idea."

Sam and Daniel glanced sorrowfully at each other, sighed, and went back to staring at it.

Jack came into Sam's lab as the other two were listening to her detail all the things it was not. "Hi, kids, what's up?"

"Well, sir, we are trying to identify this object that was brought back by SG-11. I was just giving Teal'c and Daniel a run-down of -"

O'Neill held his hand up and leaned down to squint at it. After a moment, he tapped on the casing, then offered, "Toy".

At this point the group decided that this would be a good time for a break. The four went off base to seek refreshments at a good coffee shop in town to escape the usual bilge water provided by the mess.

Drinks consumed, it was obvious that Jack was still restless and at a loose end. Sam and Teal'c soon managed to remember pressing tasks, leaving Daniel the job of entertaining their bored leader in the empty coffee house. Daniel decided to ask for information on the hotel attack the previous week, but there didn't seem to be much in the way of news.

"We're on stand-down for at least another few days. Hammond's taken it all the way up the line he's so mad, but so far the NID are somehow looking as clean as a baby's butt."

"Uh, Jack, a baby -"

"Yeah, yeah, I know - well, some other cliché then. Anyway... I was gonna come to see you the other day but...."

"That's okay."

"Daniel, I've been meaning to ask - how do you explain your injuries to, uh, Alec?"

Daniel saw no reason to dissemble. "Well, I asked him not to ask me about them."

Jack was clearly skeptical. "And he agreed?"

"Yes, he did."

"He must be a very... unusual guy."

Daniel smiled. "Yes, he is."

"Good. That's good." Jack glanced around, and Daniel decided to speak before Jack could escape. "Alec's left for home."

Jack's head snapped back to look straight at Daniel. "What?"

"His break is over - he's gone back to his life in the U.K. now. And he'll be on a lecture tour for quite a while once his new book is released."

"And he's not coming back?"

"No."

Jack shifted uncomfortably. "Daniel, have I got things wrong here? Are you two... were you... dammit, are you okay with this?"

"Uh, I am, really. Though I... miss him -" he paused, and then added, "a lot."

Whatever Jack felt inside at this news, he hated to see Daniel unhappy. He reached across the table and put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, very sorry things didn't work out for you."

"Thanks. I know you are." Daniel grinned, shrugged, and did his best to look chipper. "But hey, now I have someplace to go when you throw me out of here."

Jack glowered. "Daniel - that is never going to happen." When Daniel did not respond Jack went on, "I know I've been a jerk and, well, a jerk and...."

"A jerk." Daniel shook his head, rueful. "Jack, I still think I must have done something, and I wish you'd tell me, but if we could be friends again -"

To Daniel's utter amazement, Jack put his hands on top of his. "I... we can, we are. I swear we are."

Daniel sighed in relief as he looked down at Jack's strong hands. But, in spite of the statement, Daniel had to ask, "Is it because you thought Alec was still with me that you didn't come to see me last week?"

"Oh... yeah, sort of. I figured you'd be the center of attention, Sam chauffeuring you around, and Alec.... You didn't need me there, too."

"I was alone."

"Oh." Jack's hands gripped Daniel's suddenly.

"Jack?"

Jack reached a hand behind Daniel's neck and pulled him forward into an awkward, half-standing, across-the-table embrace, cups and spoons scattering underneath them. Then he released him, looking seriously upset. "See you tomorrow, Daniel."

Daniel must think I've gone nuts. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing? This has got to stop right now. God, I nearly, I think, I wanted to kiss him.

~~~

By the time Daniel paid the check and got out to the parking lot it looked like Jack was long gone and, truth be told, he didn't know what he'd say to him if he were standing right in front of him to talk to. He started his car and was considering what to do when the front passenger's door opened and Jack got in and faced him, shouting. "You should lock your damn doors! What if they decide they want you back to bargain with?" Jack reached a hand over and grabbed Daniel's shoulder and shook him. "Jesus, Daniel, think!"

Daniel could see the fury and frustration, but was in no mood to be shouted at and handled by Jack, which made him excited and confused and fearful all at once. What was happening? Was this some kind of military straight guy tactic? - Jack wouldn't do that to him - but what was going on? "What is it, Jack? What's wrong? What do you want from me, for god's sake?"

Jack grabbed his other shoulder while kneeling up on the seat so that his face was an inch from Daniel's. His eyes seemed to burn into Daniel looking for a response, and his hands closed around Daniel's throat and neck, not choking but holding him steady. Then he leaned in and to Daniel's utter shock stroked Daniel's lips with his own, and when Daniel did not respond, kissed his face and throat. Daniel wanted to, his body wanted Jack even though he'd tried to give up hope over a year ago. But it was too much, more than he could cope with, it was too fast, and he turned his face away, fighting with himself too, and tried to push Jack back so they could have a minute, start again, talk, anything.

There was a sudden silence as the roaring in his ears ceased, and Daniel realized the door had slammed shut; he was alone again. He banged his head against the window beside him in frustration.

As he always did when he had no idea of what to do or where to go, Daniel went back to work.

~~~

Daniel's pent-up energy was still going strong the next morning when General Hammond called a meeting. The phone rang before he left his office.

"Look, Daniel, I, uh, apologize. That was, wrong and uh, I know you must be very angry."

"I want an explanation, Jack. That's all I want."

"Oh, I don't think talking is going to help things here."

"Yes it is. I'm sure it is. Please talk to me. I'm not angry. Look, we're friends, aren't we? Can't you...?"

"Yes, you are.... Okay, but not here. On the weekend."

"You promise? You aren't going to back out on me."

"I promise. And, I'm sorry."

"Thank you, Jack. See you at the meeting."

Daniel put his head down on his arms and stayed that way until General Hammond's clerk called to tell him he was late.

* * *

They met at Daniel's apartment at Jack's suggestion. Jack thought that Daniel might be more comfortable there, and somehow feel safer. Not that Daniel had shown any fear or even discomfort when they'd been in the same room, and not that Jack would ever harm him, but he honestly didn't trust himself now, after the car episode. He'd had no idea he was going to react like a crazy man when all he'd wanted was to reassure Daniel.

Coffee offered and accepted, they settled into opposite sofas.

Daniel said nothing, so Jack started in. "Daniel, I have not been trying to avoid talking to you, I swear to god. I've been thinking that I must be going nuts or something. Or maybe poisoned by something on one of our missions."

Daniel frowned deeply. "So you think anyone attracted to me has to be insane - or drugged?"

"No! Honest, I didn't mean it that way. I was kidding - but how could I - why am I... like this?"

"'This' being what, exactly?"

If Jack had never seen a basilisk stare before, one was looking at him right now, waiting for his answer. "I don't know - I think I want to...." He took a deep breath and shook his head.

Daniel leaned forward and glared at Jack. "You want to touch me? Kiss me? Make love with me? Fuck me? What?"

"Don't, please don't. You have every right to be mad at me. But, don't." Jack put his elbows on his knees and hid his face in his hands.

Daniel got up and sat beside Jack and pulled his hands away from his face. Jack did not resist, but his eyes remained closed. "Jack, I have said and I am saying again that I am not angry, really. I just want to understand what on earth you want. Please tell me."

Feeling some hope being offered, he looked at Daniel, saw that Daniel still trusted him, and wished that he could articulate what he couldn't grasp himself. "I feel... I want to be... close to you. Really close."

Daniel waited for more.

Jack laughed at the irony and shook his head. "What's up with that, huh? I've never, ever felt anything like this. You...." He touched Daniel's face very, very gently, and looked away from him. "You... are so fucking beautiful."

Daniel drew a deep breath, his expression horrified, and pulled back as Jack turned to him and went on, unheeding, "You are so beautiful and I want to, to take you somewhere where nobody can look at you, and keep you, keep you away from danger, and away from everybody. And," as he suddenly realized how much he'd said, "lots more." He stopped and hung his head.

Daniel sighed and said, "But - you don't love me."

Jack looked at him, startled. Daniel was frowning, very serious. "Love you? Not that I - I don't know what this is."

After a moment, Daniel said, "Tell me, could all this have started with Alec, a kind of 'you've got my bone and I want it back' thing?"

"Alec? Yeah, maybe. I wanted to -"

"What?"

Jack smiled ruefully. "Dump him on a deserted planet. Stick him on a rocket bound for nowhere - I don't know. Get rid of him. Somehow."

But Daniel was not smiling. "You weren't even talking to me, Jack. You didn't even know about Alec until I got injured that time."

"Look, I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't know why all that stuff was happening. Believe me. And thinking about it, maybe this has been going on with me for a while - and anyway, I have no idea when he came back into your life."

"Hey, how do you know he came back? What do you know about him?"

"Now, don't get all upset - when I went to get the clothes for you to come home in I saw the pictures of the two of you in your bedroom - when you were young, and recently - and I got the impression that...."

Daniel stared at nothing, looking sad and upset, but giving no indication of what he might be thinking about Jack's revelations. Jack decided to rely on Daniel's frequently misplaced sense of fairness and pressed on, "You wanted to know what's up with me. Well, now we both know more than I ever wanted to, and I need to know if you can still be my friend. I want to know if you can tell me what you think I should do."

"To help you over your -" he closed his eyes, "affliction?" He took his glasses off and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

Jack winced, "Don't. I don't think of you that way. I -"

"I think you do, Jack. I think that if I offer myself to you you'll fuck me and feel much better that the 'madness' is cured and you can forget all about it."

No, this was wrong, Daniel was wrong, but Jack couldn't explain. "No, not that way. Not -"

Daniel's voice was breaking but he was still talking, "You don't love me, Jack, but this is what you want, and I can do this for you and for me too, and it'll be over, it will be over and you can get past this and forget."

Daniel got up and pulled his shirt over his head and threw it down on the floor. He knelt down on the couch and leaned into Jack, putting his arms around him, his face into Jack's neck, and spoke, his voice very low, "Jack - you are beautiful to me, too. Make love to me, Jack, do whatever you want."

There was no way Jack could hold back now. He turned them so that Daniel was underneath him, kissing everywhere he could reach, one arm keeping himself balanced on the couch, and the other loosening Daniel's and his pants. He pushed their pants down as far as he could reach and they wriggled out of them the rest of the way. He was wild with sensation, beautiful sensation, all over his body, but most of all where he and Daniel were rubbing against each other, and within minutes, fast, too, too fast, he was coming all over them and continued to rub and rub and push because he was not satisfied, felt he'd never be satisfied, ever have enough of Daniel.

Daniel tried to get out from under him but he held him fast, not giving him up, and then he heard what Daniel was trying to tell him. "Bed - get to the bed. Jack - bed." He understood at last and got up, pulling Daniel with him and they stumbled into the bedroom quickly, falling on the bed, with Jack pushing and moving Daniel with him. Daniel made a leap for the bedside table and got out a tube that he pressed into Jack's hands. "Use - use this." Jack fumbled with the tube and squeezed out a massive amount of gel onto his hand. He wasn't too sure what he needed to do for Daniel, but figured if he lubed himself enough Daniel would be okay.

He rolled Daniel over onto his stomach - and stopped cold. Something was very wrong. He pulled him back over and saw that Daniel's eyes were full of tears but he was saying nothing. "Oh, Daniel, I - I -" He fell backwards and sat on the bed while Daniel turned away and drew his knees up in a protective position.

When Daniel said nothing Jack leaned over to him, trying to fix what he was afraid was beyond fixable now. "I can't - you don't want this."

He heard a barely audible, "No."

"Then why? Why did you...?"

"Go home, please? Please?"

"I thought you wanted... I thought...."

Daniel drew himself up even further and pressed himself into the bed. "Yes, I did. It's all my fault. Please go home."

"Okay. But, Daniel -"

"Please!" Daniel begged into the sheets.

He didn't know what the reaction would be if he touched Daniel so, seeing nothing further he could do, Jack left.

XI

The unexpected arrival of the Tok'ra Renall caused a stir at the SGC. A meeting was called immediately, so that Jack was as uninformed as the rest of the team when they gathered, a situation Jack disliked in the extreme. In spite of the fact that they were told that Jacob Carter was waiting for them on Revanna, he was suspicious of Tok'ra plans, with good reason he thought, and was prepared to do battle to prevent earth-based support to further the Tok'ras' questionable goals. Very soon, and with a sense of growing unease he realized that this case was different, that their help was undoubtedly necessary, and specifically Daniel's. He wanted to refuse them Daniel - he definitely would have if he thought for one second that Daniel would let him - so he remained silent on the subject, for the moment.

~~~

Later that day, he went to Daniel's office. He had no doubt that Daniel would decide in favor of going in undercover, but he was unsure what, if anything, Daniel would have to say to him. Neither man had referred to the fiasco at Daniel's apartment after Jack's initial effort several weeks back to speak to him and say he was sorry. But Daniel refused discussion, saying that it was his own fault, he apologized, and he did not want to speak about it again. He had that look that Jack knew so well, and he let the matter drop for the moment rather than start an argument they both wanted to avoid.

~~~

Daniel was staring at a sheaf of papers with written symbols on it and did not look up.

"Hey."

"Hey, Jack." Daniel shifted the papers around but continued to look at them, a frown cutting deep grooves between his eyes.

"So... have you spoken to Hammond yet?"

"No, but I think there's really no alternative."

"Daniel, I think there's got to be somebody else, something else they can do."

Daniel gave Jack a baleful look. "Not too many humans speak Gould, Jack."

Jack clenched his fists. "I don't give a fuck - I'll bet the Tok'ra have a Plan B they're not telling us."

"Maybe they have, but it looks like we're not going to hear about it. Anyway, I've decided, I'm going and we can hear what Jacob and Selmac have to say."

Jack needed to speak before it was too late, just in case.... "Daniel... I want to say -"

"No, Jack, please don't. I don't want to hear anything. I'm asking you to forget about it - I'm sorry."

Jack leaned over the desk. "That was not your fault!"

Daniel stood, crashing his chair behind him. He eyes pleaded with Jack and his words were forced out. "No. More. Please."

There was no point in upsetting Daniel further. He was going in undercover, which he was totally untrained for, and needed to have all his attention focused on getting the job done and getting out of there. "Okay, okay, relax. Let me know if you need anything."

Jack left the room and looked back to see Daniel leaning on his desk, shoulders slumped and his head down, like an animal in defeat.

~~~

They went straight into a meeting as soon as they arrived on Revanna, and Jack watched as Daniel took in his role in the plan and the actions he would be required to carry out. Right before his eyes, he could see Daniel deciding to sacrifice his life if necessary to fulfill the plan to kill all the Goa'uld at the meeting of the System Lords.

It was plain to him that Daniel's doubts, aside from what he knew Daniel would think was basically mass murder of the hosts, were in the intel available to complete the acts required, rather than worry about sacrificing his own skin. Which he counted as nothing. And which redoubled Jack's guilt because he knew he contributed to Daniel's poor evaluation of his own worth.

Jacob/Selmac took Daniel away directly from the meeting and Jack would have no opportunity to see him until they were ready to go. Daniel was going in as a slave, unarmed and with no back-up, into a place where the most powerful and vicious of the Goa'ulds were having a pow-wow. He didn't give a damn what Jake thought, but before it was too late he needed to say something to Daniel that would let him know that Jack was concerned for him, that he cared what happened, whatever Daniel might think of him.

Risking the ire of everybody involved, he found the space where Jacob was prepping Daniel. They both turned in surprise as Jack burst into the 'room'.

He stopped in front of Daniel, who had been trying on some weird-ass slave get-up that he knew Daniel would hate with a passion. He didn't comment on the outfit, and said quickly, "Daniel, I want you to know - I need you to come back in one piece." He risked it and gave an unresisting Daniel a brief hug. "Make sure that you do. I'm counting on you."

Daniel ducked his head, gave Jack a small smile, and said, "I'll do my best not to let you down."

Jack had to be satisfied with that, and with a warning glance and nod to Jacob to take care of Daniel, he rejoined his team.

~~~

Waiting was not something that Jack did well or willingly, but waiting was something that had been a major part of just about every mission in which he had ever taken part. The Jaffa attack was another reason he should never have trusted the Tok'ra defenses, and they were getting beaten to a pulp. But, for a brief period it gave him something to do aside from worry about Daniel, or think about those incredible few moments where Daniel was under his hands and his body, something that came back to him in perfect detail every single time he closed his eyes.

XII

"Jaren."

"Yes, my lord."

"Is all prepared for our journey to the Hasara System?"

Daniel had no idea, but guessed that the real Jaren would have seen to everything by now. "Ready at your pleasure, my lord."

"You know exactly what is my pleasure, Jaren," and he smiled slyly as he ran his hand up between Daniel's thighs.

Daniel's blood ran cold. "As my lord wishes."

"We must leave within the hour, but you will see that our quarters have all the particulars you will require to serve me tonight. I sense that I will require a great deal of pleasure, to remove the bitter taste of dealing with my fellow System Lords."

Daniel breathed a sigh of relief and fervently hoped it would not come to that. "Yes, my lord."

XIII

Jack knocked again and waited, knowing he'd have to wait some time before Daniel would come to the door. He raised his hand to try again when the door suddenly opened.

"It wasn't locked," said Daniel over his shoulder as he went back out to the balcony.

Jack came in and locked the door behind him. He could never figure out why Daniel had no balcony furniture, or even a chair, as he seemed to spend quite a lot of time out there. His knees were in no shape to tolerate cold concrete, so he grabbed the piano bench and took it outside. He settled as comfortably as he could on the bench, and waited. Daniel's eyes were closed and he was seated cross-legged on the balcony floor, bare-footed, wearing the sweats that Jack had taken to the infirmary for Daniel to wear home. It was cool outside and he was thinking of going back in for a blanket when at last Daniel opened his eyes and spoke.

"What do you want, Jack?" Daniel's tone was even, noncommital, and he stared out over the city without making eye contact, disallowing the conversation.

"Oh, just seeing how you're doing, that kind of thing." He dared go no further.

"I'm fine. You know perfectly well I am fine."

"No, I can't say that I do, Daniel. That business with Sarah...."

"You think I should have let the poison loose? You think I should have gone ahead, even though I thought I could save her?"

"No, I know why you didn't do it. Jake told me how things went down."

"Oh. Then what?"

"I wanted to say I was glad you found a way to come back from there. It was important. And, I was worried about you. Goulds murder their own damn offspring, I couldn't help thinking how they'd treat human slaves."

"I can be replaced."

"No, no you can't. That's crap! Why on earth do you think that, Daniel?"

"My own eyes and ears tell me, Jack. I don't need any more proof than they give me."

Jack leaned down towards Daniel, trying to break him out of the mood he was in. "Bullshit, Daniel. You know the General thinks that sunshine hangs out of your ass, and if you'd only listen to me -"

"Oh, thanks a lot. And I already know - you think I'm... beautiful." The word could not have been less appealing if he'd said dirt, or despicable, or rotten.

"What's wrong with being beautiful? And besides, all that has nothing to do with what I think of you, professionally.

"You know that I wanted you on the team from the beginning. I admit I didn't really think you'd ever be more than someone we'd have to look out for, but god, Daniel, you've learned to do things I know you hate. I can't tell you how much I admire that. How much I think of you for doing this, for us, because I know for damn sure, and you can't tell me otherwise, that it's certainly not for your own sake.

"Sam said you can take her ideas and turn them around, and then she sees a whole other picture. She says you do that for her, nobody else. And now you can protect her too, and that kinda scared her at first. When you were in that damn place that MacKenzie thought you'd be 'safe', she was worried that we had changed you, almost against your will, and maybe you were going nuts because of it."

There was still no response from the bowed head, so Jack sighed and went on. "And Teal'c - he respects you and could not think of you more highly if you were his own son. Half the base might think you're a geek, but you are our geek and dammit you belong to us."

He stopped to let his brain catch up with his voice. "Look, you've got to give me a break here - I've used up all the words I know and -"

Daniel's head came up. "Don't do that to yourself, Jack."

"I know what I'm doing. And I know where I stand in the scheme of things in the Stargate Program. I know where you stand, too. At the top, Daniel."

There was no response from Daniel, whose head was now on his drawn-up knees, arms keeping him tightly wrapped and shivering in the cold.

Jack had to relent. "Okay, I've said what I came to say and I'll go - unless... you want me to stay."

"I can't, Jack."

Jack did not recognize the voice as Daniel's. "I wish I could.... Well, bye."

Daniel did not move nor speak, and Jack left the balcony. He got as far as the door, and as he was making sure the lock was on he thought again about leaving Daniel alone. No. No way - no way was he going to back off. There was no way in hell he was going to give up now.

~~~

He did not want to scare Daniel, as he had deliberately done on P3X 350. He looked at Daniel from the doorway, so transparently miserable and friendless when he thought no one could see him, and Jack became aware of feelings he had not known for many years. Sort of like the emotions that came to him sometimes when Charlie was young, when he had resolved to stand between everything harmful and his boy - but also a huge part of this was sexual, the sensations roiling in his groin giving ample evidence of what proximity to Daniel was doing to him.

Now, overarching everything was the desire never to be parted from Daniel, to give him whatever he needed so that he could be happy. But was he the person who could give Daniel happiness? He understood now that he had never considered Daniel's feelings other than superficially; he had just assumed, took for granted that Daniel would want to know. And what was up with that? He knew full well how stupid that sort of attitude was.

What Daniel said to him when they were on the couch had released his minimal control over lust - and he now accepted that his body had long since made its choice - yet he had withheld his affection. He was no queer-hater, but he knew just how difficult life would be if he went ahead with this. But if he didn't, he'd be deserting Daniel, and leaving him alone now would be the most despicable deliberate thing he had done in his life. Before he imposed any more of his feelings on Daniel, he should know how Daniel felt - but he wouldn't force anything and make things worse.

He made sure his voice was pitched low and said, "Daniel, it's me."

Daniel's head came up sharply, but he looked away. Jack knew why. He sat down on the bench and leaned towards him. "Daniel, I don't want to upset you, I had to come back. My head is so crazy with all that's going on that I've been forgetting to be your friend too."

He willed Daniel to listen, to believe him. "Daniel, I - want to make you happy, but I've never asked how you feel. About me. Oh, I remember what you said that night, and I didn't have a clue how much that would affect me, inside, what I didn't know about myself. And I need to tell you that you are not alone here. I'm with you, whatever you want."

He knew Daniel was listening, but there was no response, so he went on. "You seem to hate the fact that I said you are beautiful - I don't think it's just on the outside, Daniel, and I'm not forgetting you can be as stubborn and argumentative as the damn Boston Irish side of my family, but you are the best person I know and it's taken me so long to see that." During the last minute or so he could see Daniel's shoulders tightening and heaving, and knew he was crying.

"Daniel, can't you let me help you?"

After a long pause, Daniel's left hand reached back towards him, and he took it, held it tightly. Tension he didn't know he had left him in a deep sigh, and he held on to Daniel's cold hand, putting it to his lips, then his forehead, resolved to sit there as long as Daniel needed him to.

Almost an hour later, Daniel stood and then offered help to Jack, whose knees were manifesting the result of sitting still in the cold and damp. Daniel went into the kitchen and put on the kettle before he spoke. He looked bleak.

"Thanks for coming back and saying what you did. It's not I don't believe you, Jack, but I loved you for so long - and I had to give it up before I made a fool of myself and trouble for you."

Jack's heart lurched. "Give it up? What do you mean?"

"I couldn't take it any more, Jack." Daniel was becoming agitated, starting to breathe quickly. "And now I don't know if there are even pieces to pick up, allow myself to hope that you, and I -"

Jack started towards Daniel. "Don't give up hope! Give me a chance here!"

Daniel turned to Jack in agony. "Didn't you hear me? Don't you understand? I already have! I had to - so I could stand to see you every day and not w-want you - and now you tell me that you feel something for me. And you don't have a clue what I'm risking, what you're asking of me!"

The kettle started to whistle and Jack took it off the burner, not wanting it to interrupt their discussion. "Then tell me. I'll listen! I know - this is so totally freaky - so out of my so-called 'comfort zone' that you touchy-feely guys talk about - and I'm on totally unknown territory here but I want you to know that I am ready to walk through hell for you, to have a future with you. It's no secret to you that I don't want to have to say a damn thing - I want you to be able to read my mind, and then tell me what's on your mind and that everything will be good between us.

"But I know you can't, and I need to know what you want, what you're feeling, because this is the most important thing that's ever happened to me - ever - except for Charlie." Jack shut his eyes, trying to chase away the thoughts and feelings he was having because of all this - openness.

He winced away the images and went on. "I was such a bastard to you - I didn't understand what the hell was going on with me then. But I do now, and I promise you I will never, ever treat you like that again. You know me, I can't promise to change all that much - but when your welfare and happiness are my first priority, then you gotta know I want to be good for you." He ran out of words, and waited for the verdict.

Daniel's lips had been pressed tightly together, and he opened them to draw breath before he spoke. "Jack, I believe you - or at least I believe that you really believe what you are saying. I want to say I'll do what you need me to do - but I just can't. It may be a lie. Right now...." Tears welled again. "Right now, I don't know what to tell you. Because I don't know either. So - are you going to leave, now that I confess I don't know?"

This was a dangerous moment between them, Jack knew. He had to say the right thing, for Daniel's sake. Words were never his forte, and he reached for Daniel slowly, carefully, and put his arms around him. "No, Daniel, I will wait. Just let me wait with you."

Daniel relaxed against him briefly and then pulled back.

Jack said, "I don't know about you, but I'm dying on my feet here. We need to get some sleep." Daniel looked down and nodded. Jack went on, "If you want, I can sleep on the couch. I don't want to leave you, but if you want to be alone I will go - this time." He gave Daniel a reassuring smile.

"No. Think you can stand the couch?"

"Won't be the first time, remember?"

"Don't remember much at the moment." Daniel was unsteady on his feet as he looked up at Jack, who took his shoulders and turned him around. "Bed. Come on. You get ready for bed, and I'll get some blankets."

As Jack settled into the made-up couch he was relieved the day was finally over. It could have been so much worse.

~~~

Jack was awakened by his cellphone at 4 a.m. when he was called in for an emergency, and from what General Hammond told Jack on the phone, Jack decided there was no way he was going to leave Daniel sleeping for another few hours before reporting in. He threw some left-over coffee into the microwave to heat up and ran to get Daniel.

He shook Daniel hard after he did not respond to his name. "Daniel! Get up now! We have to get to the base immediately."

"Aw, no!" He tried to crawl away from Jack.

Jack opened a window and pulled the sheets and blankets off the bed, letting the cold air work for him. He had a quick shower, then dragged Daniel - who had only got as far as sitting up - to it and went for the coffee. Seven minutes after Hammond's call they were in Jack's truck, Daniel's face stuffed into a coffee mug. As he didn't seem to be choking, Jack left him in peace.

The mission was a doozy, but in spite of the danger to the entire planet, Jack's spirits refused to sour. Unspoken agreement between them ensured that they wouldn't continue their discussion for the duration, yet from time to time Jack saw a look in Daniel's eyes that told him he was considering their situation. But there was no way to tell how things were going, and the man wasn't talking.

After Daniel's suggestion was accepted by the General to use the crashed cargo ship on Revanna to deliver the warhead to the asteroid, Jack asked Daniel to evacuate to the alpha site with the scientists who were considered the most valuable to human survival. He gave what he thought was a very reasonable argument in favor of Daniel going straight there and setting up operations immediately, instead of wasting many days on a boring cargo ship.

He may as well been talking to the wall. Daniel would neither accept his request nor even agree to consider it. Furthermore, he glared at Jack for the next several hours and refused to talk to him, until Jack lost his patience. "For crying out loud, Daniel - it's not as if I asked you to torture babies and kittens!"

Daniel's eyes were cold. "Don't even try to joke your way out of this. I will not be sent out of danger. You are humiliating me, Jack!"

"No... I just want you to live, Daniel. Can't you do just this one thing for me, let me win just once?"

"There is no way you are going without me." He smiled suddenly. "Besides, you're bound to need me for something."

Jack gave up, secretly glad they wouldn't be parted even if things did not go well for them. "Oy...."

~~~

Upon their return to earth, mission accomplished, Jack sensed that Daniel was not ready yet to talk, but neither did he leave their relationship unacknowledged. He dropped in to Daniel's office every day, either for a chat or coffee, and made Daniel go out to dinner during their days off. Jack also saw to it that Daniel got to appreciate first-hand the joys of hockey and basketball - Daniel had absolutely refused to deal with football, although he agreed to try the occasional soccer game, someday.

Daniel insisted on reciprocating with personally guided tours of the special touring exhibits at the art gallery and museum. For a brief period, things went smoothly, both men reluctant to chance opening Daniel's wounds that had not yet had time to heal, but they also knew that there would only be a short respite before some new event came along to upset the equilibrium.

~~~

You stupid son of a bitch. The sound of Daniel's voice followed him wherever he went on base during the clean-up of the replicators. You just killed the only chance we'll ever have of stopping them. He could see that Daniel hated it, but also he knew that Daniel also understood that Jack had to stop Reese, given the circumstances - but would he forgive him? From the moment Daniel began to work with her, Jack was afraid that Daniel would get too involved, and he tried hard to stop him. Talking to the wall again. The damn robot was obviously scared, and that was it: Daniel was prepared to help her until he himself was right on course for destruction and didn't even try to keep himself out of harm's way. This pattern was disturbing Jack, and he decided to have a talk with Hammond before leaving the base.

When the full sweep of the base was completed, he found Daniel, Sam, and Teal'c in the mess, looking like they'd seen action for weeks without a break. Only Teal'c was sitting up straight. "The General has decided to give us several weeks' stand down after our next mission. In the meantime, we have 24 hours' leave, and I suggest we get the hell out of here."

Teal'c accepted the news with his customary aplomb, but Sam straightened up and said, "Not that I'm complaining, but why are we getting this leave, Colonel? It's unscheduled, and we had planned to contact a couple of very technically promising planets in this upcoming series of missions."

"Far be it for me to question the motives of our glorious leader, Major. I, for one, am not about to complain, because I see fish in my future."

Teal'c immediately requested leave to join Bra'tak and Rya'c. Jack looked quite offended and said, "Teal'c! This is the time you're gonna land The Big One. Are you sure you want to pass up this golden opportunity?"

"I am certain, O'Neill. It is indeed a sacrifice, but a necessary one."

O'Neill let Teal'c's attempt at humor pass - he had other fish to fry. He offered Daniel a ride home even though he knew Daniel had driven himself in to the base. As expected, Daniel declined, this time because he had to remain and work on staff evaluations that had to be completed before any vacation.

Jack caught up to Daniel before he got to his office. "Daniel, how 'bout we get out of here to get something to eat?" Before Daniel could refuse, he went on, "I'm guessing you are possibly, very probably, disappointed that I didn't back you on Reese, but I couldn't take the chance that -"

Daniel looked at him sadly, angrily. "I know. And you know what I think."

Jack had to be clear on this. "Yeah, I do. But there was no way I was going to let her take you down with her. Not a chance in hell."

Daniel closed his eyes, and his head dropped forward. Jack held his breath.

"Okay, Jack. You were wrong." He looked at Jack with a very small smile. "But I think dinner is a good idea. Let's go."

~~~

General Hammond thanked SG-1 for their usual thorough briefing after returning from P2A 018. He was very unhappy with the outcome, but at least the Sentinel was reactivated and the Latonans were not vulnerable to further incursions from the Goa'uld. However, he was going to make sure that this situation would be an item for extensive evaluation by his fellow Generals when the Joint Executive Committee met to discuss the NID and their actions. He also confirmed the month's leave for SG-1, wishing them an excellent vacation and ordering them off the premises without delay.

SG-1 left the base and, as usual, met for a start-of-holiday celebration before they split up for their leave.

"I was surprised the General didn't say he'd postpone our missions until we get back."

"Carter, for Pete's sake! We are not talking about work. Not a word!"

"But, sir!"

Jack shook his finger at her. "Ah! Ah! Ah! Listen up: there are a number of SG teams perfectly capable of taking on our assignments, and besides it's too late, they've already been transferred, so forget about them. Of course nobody's as good as we are, but hey, we were ordered to go on holiday. We need a break. We deserve a break. We are getting a break!"

They discussed their plans: Carter was going for a long mini-van holiday in the North-Eastern States with Janet, Cassie, and her sister-in-law, Beth. Teal'c was looking forward to spending time with his son. And, finally, Daniel was to have a fishing lesson.

Sam whispered to Daniel, "Take books."

"I heard that! Daniel is leaving all his books here."

Daniel was offended. "Am not!"

Jack was offended. "Are too."

Daniel was adamant. "Am not!"

Jack was immutable. "Are too!"

Daniel gave Jack a menacing glare. "No way am I going fishing without books."

Jack decided to wheedle. "Daniel, the whole point of holidays is that you leave all your regular 'fun' behind. Otherwise, it's not a holiday."

"Jack, I am not interested in a holiday without books."

Time to negotiate. "All right, all right. But not too many: two."

"Ten."

"Okay, three."

"Ten."

"Daniel!"

"Five."

"Okay, dammit!"

Daniel acknowledged Jack's concession with a very sweet smile.

XIV

Jack had not the slightest amount of guilt in inveigling this time off for his team from Hammond. They needed a holiday - Daniel most of all - and Jack was afraid if he didn't break the pattern that Daniel was showing now, of using himself to shield others, he'd be gone very soon. Jack had seen it in the field a number of times, and was determined that Daniel was not going to be a victim because he didn't value himself. He wanted Daniel to have something to live for.

The trip to Jack's cabin took over half a day, and he did not even consider hiding his nervousness on the trip up. He thought it ironic that Daniel was supposed to be the talky guy, yet it seemed to him that he was the one who'd been doing all the talking. Although Daniel gave every sign that he wanted to be on this trip, he was often distracted and mostly uncommunicative. Nothing was resolved, it could all end in disaster, but his hopes were pinned on the fact that Daniel was not showing signs of withdrawal from him.

They pulled up to a smallish dwelling, in a pleasantly rustic location. "Welcome to Casa O'Neill-a. Luxury living at affordable prices."

Daniel looked out over the lake. "Hey, it's really nice here."

Jack directed his proud smile at the ground as he got out of the vehicle. "That's a good start. Give me a hand."

They hauled bags and boxes out of the rented truck and onto the porch. Jack went into the cabin and put the power on - not much but enough to run the pump and a few conveniences. They'd had lunch on the way from the airport, so there was no rush to get a meal together, and Daniel went in to put away his things.

Just inside the door there was a selection of rubber boots and raincoats. The main room had comfortable old living room furniture and included a dining table and chairs. There was a guest room of sorts with a double bed and small dresser, and Daniel unpacked and settled in a bit. Jack's room was not much bigger but was obviously his, as clothes were hung up in the closet with no door, and there was a picture of Jack and Charlie taken at the cabin. A small kitchen and smaller bathroom completed the amenities of the establishment.

The wood box was already filled and Daniel started the wood stove while Jack went to get his fishing gear together to catch supper. There was fishing tackle for Daniel, but he hesitated to follow Jack, settling instead on the couch and listening to the silence. Occasionally the stove hissed or crackled, or a bird called - otherwise the stillness was complete, and it was like balm to a burn. He was in Jack's home, his real home, and he felt as though he had come home too. He sighed deeply and his muscles relaxed him into a reclining position on the couch. It is possible, he thought, that I will never move again. This is perfect.

When Jack came in a couple of hours later his eyes softened as soon as he saw Daniel sleeping, and he was glad he hadn't shouted at Daniel to come out to join him. He looked worn out. He settled into a comfortable chair where he could keep an eye on him, a dream at last come to fruition.

Logs settling in the stove startled Jack out of daydreams, and he saw that it had become dark, with only a dim glow from the stove to light the room. He stoked up the fire and added more logs, put potatoes in the oven and went into the pantry area to clean the fish he'd caught. He figured they must have been waiting for him, to make up for all the times he'd never caught a thing. Or maybe they.... Jesus, he was getting soft in the head.

Jack considered letting Daniel sleep on, but decided that it was more important to feed him, and he then could go to bed if he wanted. He went in to make up the bed, only to find that Daniel had already done that while putting away his things. There was a photo of SG-1 in civvies that Daniel must have brought with him, and his heart clenched when he thought how close Daniel had come to losing his small family, thanks to him. That chapter was closed now, he hoped, and this time spent together would help them begin a new life.

When he went back out, Daniel was turning over on the couch - the perfect time to get him up. He put the lights on. "Daniel - supper's nearly ready."

"Mm-uh?"

"Five minutes."

"Oh, okay, smells good." He rubbed his face and staggered off the couch to the bathroom.

~~~

"Mmm, delicious. Jack, when did you buy these fish?"

Jack was insulted. "I did not buy these beautiful fish! I caught them off the end of that there dock!"

"Come on. It's okay. I won't tell."

"Daniel, I swear to you that I caught those fish!"

"Hokay, you caught the fish."

"Honest! I really did!"

"Sure, sure. Anyway, they're great."

"Daniel!"

"Jack, this fish is great."

"Thank you. But I caught them."

"Yes, Jack."

Both men did the dishes and then went to sit on the sofa, Daniel with coffee, and Jack with beer. There was a comfortable silence for a while, then Daniel said, "I like it here," and looked for his reaction.

Jack's smile was brilliant. "That's good, I really counted on that."

Daniel became serious. "I, uh, have no answers for you yet, if you are hoping...."

"Hey, there's no rush. I want you to relax. Even if nothing happens here except a great deal of fish get caught and eaten, then I'm happy."

"I appreciate that, but sometimes it's best to, um, push the envelope a bit." He attempted an encouraging look.

Jack seemed embarrassed. "Daniel, I don't know how much of that I can control - hell, I came all over the envelope the last time. I can do better, but I'm not sure what you want."

"Sitting here tonight with you, in this place, I think that I'd very much like to know what it's like to hold you, be held by you."

Jack swallowed and put an arm around Daniel, who put his head on Jack's shoulder and relaxed into him. Jack brought his other arm around Daniel's chest, holding him close. He rested his forehead against Daniel's hair and closed his eyes. "This do?" he said softly.

"Mmm, yes." He turned his body in towards Jack, put a leg across his knees and his outside arm around Jack, so that they were comfortably holding each other. Each move they made was deliberate, in the way of two people not used to a new relationship.

"I've wanted to do this for a long time."

"Not as long as me."

"Daniel, can I ask you a question?"

"Um, yes."

"Why did this moment take so long? Oh, I know I needed to get a clue, but why didn't it happen before?"

"Well, I was afraid of alienating you, you never gave any hint you might be interested in me, and in fact you weren't. You - I still have no idea why you'd want me. I'm everything you really don't need in your life, specially while you are still in uniform."

Jack turned and lay out flat on the couch with his head in Daniel's lap, eyes closed. After a few moments, Daniel stroked Jack's hair.

"Oh, I like that. You never touch me."

"Touching is... complicated."

"Daniel, what isn't complicated with you?"

Daniel stiffened. "You see! I'm not right for you. This is a mistake." He tried to push Jack off him, but in an instant Jack was up and straddling Daniel's lap, facing him.

Jack looked down at Daniel, and the confused expression on his face softened Daniel's frown. "Look, I didn't mean to whine, it's just that you are a complex man and I want to know what makes you tick. Kind of like self-preservation." He smiled in a self-deprecating way, coaxing a mollified grin from Daniel.

"Know thine enemy, Jack?"

"Know thy lover, Daniel. And you are, you will be. You are everything I need. You know, it feels so damn weird to learn all this new stuff about myself at my age. Who knew? I feel like I'm my own walking cliché." He shifted his legs a bit. "Whoa, maybe not walking if I stay in this position much longer. C'mon, let's go for a walk." He stood and held his hand out to Daniel, who held back, eyes narrowed.

"Will there be bears?"

"Only me."

Daniel took Jack's hand and followed him outside.

~~~

The air was crisp and the smell of autumn energized the two men, who walked quickly on a path leading up a fair-sized hill. From time to time, Daniel could hear animals in the surrounding woods dash or creep away from them, but Jack obviously had a destination in mind, never hesitating even when the canopy of trees blocked all light from the path. Daniel grumbled the second time he tripped on the uneven ground, and Jack came back to help him up and face in the right direction. Once Daniel was on his feet the two men stilled, Jack's hands on Daniel's shoulders, and Daniel could feel Jack slowly leaning down towards him. Jack's cheek brushed Daniel's, then Jack was slowly kissing his cheek and neck.

At the first kisses Daniel felt shock, but very soon his heart and his guts and even his brain told him he really wanted this, and he pushed into Jack, holding him very tight, and moved so that their lips were more or less aligned. Their opened mouths joined like magnets, constantly moving and kissing and biting and rubbing, but never separating, both men vocalizing their delight and desire until an owl in the tree above them lost patience and decided to flap away into the night. Jack was alert instantly, but Daniel was still wondering what happened when Jack took his hand to resume their walk.

"Hey, I wasn't finished!"

Jack was breathing hard but his heart was singing. "No way are we doing anything out here. You'll catch pneumonia and I'll spend the next three weeks buying Kleenex and making chicken soup."

"Jack?"

Jack stopped and turned. He put his hand up to Daniel's cheek. "My god, Daniel. I feel - like I've been zatted but there's no pain at all, only the good kind. You?"

Daniel nodded even if he didn't know if Jack could even see him. His body felt as though something was bubbling through him, and he put his bowed head on Jack's shoulder.

Jack caressed the back of his neck and said, "Yeah, I thought so. Come on, there's something I want you to see while conditions are good. Then we'll go back."

They crested a hill and it was plain to Daniel what he was meant to see. The moon hanging low in the sky lit a small, sheltered valley created for a fantasy world. Whether it was a trick of the light and mist or not, it seemed to Daniel that here was tír nan óg itself, the rocks, trees, mist, river and hills creating the mystical world of the land at the end of the rainbow, of eternal youth.

"God, Jack, what is this place?"

"Amazing, isn't it? Come back here in the daytime, or in different weather conditions, and it looks just like a plain old valley, but sometimes... you get this. I've always wanted you to see it, almost from the first time I met you. Even then."

Daniel looked at Jack tenderly. "It's wonderful. It feels like magic." They stood together, looking down at the enchanted valley until the setting moon was about to dissolve the illusion, and walked back to the cabin in silence.

~~~

Jack resolved to let Daniel sleep as much as he needed while they were at the cabin, and therefore it was almost noon the next day before he appeared in the copse where Jack was chopping wood. He was totally dishevelled, a good sign that he was relaxing, Jack thought, and bearing two cups of coffee.

They sat on a stump as Jack took a break.

Jack wiped his face on his shirt-sleeve. "That's good, I was just thinking about going back to the house for some lunch. You eat yet?"

"Nope. It's hot today - is it okay to swim off the dock? I don't want to disturb your fishes." He grinned.

Jack gave him a scathing look. "I caught those damn fishes, you disbelieving rat."

"Never said you didn't. Swimming okay?"

"Yeah, undercurrent's about 500 yards off to the right, don't go near that."

"Hey, I'm not a bad swimmer."

"Oh yeah, I learned all about that when we were tracking you with Chaka." He shook his head, respect and disbelief in his voice. "Your hands were tied and you swam across that river pretty damn fast."

"Amazing what desperation will do. Wait - how do you know that? Oh, Teal'c."

"Give the old man some credit, boy, I'm not a bad tracker myself," Jack huffed.

Daniel shrugged. "Teal'c's better."

Jack humpfed. "Just you wait till I'm a hundred and ten like him. Here's hoping I have new knees by then."

"Those knees keep your ego from hitting the top of the stargate, flyboy. Besides, they were destroyed honorably. Come on, I need a swim." They started back.

"Yeah, okay. But if any of those fish bite your toes, don't blame me!"

"Hah! If any fish bites my toes I'll eat the whole thing for supper, tail and all."

"From your lips to god's ears - I'll hold you to that."

"Jack," Daniel looked completely serious. "Repeat after me: There are no fish."

"Just you wait, book boy, you'll eat those words till the tail catches in your craw."

When they were in sight of the dock Daniel strode ahead, shedding shirt and pants as he went. Jack hoped the cold water would take care of all the nerve-ends jangling in his body at the sight, and followed suit. By the time they were at the dock they were both nude and running, and dove in without a pause.

~~~

Jack went back to the cabin before Daniel was ready to come out of the water, mostly because he didn't yet want to risk showing how very much he desired Daniel. When lunch was ready he went out with a dry towel and called, "Come on out, let the fish have a nap before the battle begins again."

Daniel pulled himself out onto the dock with easy grace and wrapped the towel around his hips as he went to Jack, who was watching him with the concentration of a predator spotting its prey. Daniel said, uncertain, "Have you changed your mind about me?"

Jack was incredulous. "Are you nuts? I'm dying here, I want you so much!"

Daniel's smile lit up and he put both arms up to hold the back of Jack's head to pull him in. Jack came willingly to meet his lips, his arms crushing Daniel while Daniel was doing his best to meld into Jack.

After a few moments, Daniel pulled back a bit so that he could speak, but Jack was in no mood for discussion and kept kissing the air while trying to reach his goal: any part of Daniel. Daniel laughed and covered Jack's lips with his hand and said, "Yes, Jack, it's time, I'm home, no more talking."

It took Jack a moment to absorb that and then he threw his head back to shout, "Yesssssss," punched the air with his fist, and grabbed his prize. They went down onto the dock, stumbling and laughing, Jack making sure that they didn't roll into the water, while Daniel made sure Jack was as naked as he was.

They were in bliss, kissing and fondling and biting and rubbing, their bodies clamped onto each other as they rolled over and over on the warm dock, until Daniel couldn't wait any longer and pulled his legs up to cross them around Jack's waist.

Jack came abruptly out of his cloud and looked down at Daniel, who was amazingly desirable in the sunlight, gasping for air, and looking at him with so much love in his eyes.

"Love me, Jack. You don't need anything - I've already prepared, just in case... I'm okay."

But Jack did not understand, and was trying to hold back. "God, no, I don't want to hurt you. Don't do this. Stop!"

Daniel's response was to flex his hips and lift, letting the head of Jack's penis position itself. "I'm ready now. I love you."

With a moan of lust and love Jack sank into Daniel, and finding the way prepared for him, he cried out Daniel's name over and over as he thrust and thrust and thrust his love, his life, into the man he loved over everything else in the world.

When he came to, his head was in Daniel's lap or, more correctly, Daniel's flaccid and sticky penis was being squashed by Jack's ear. He quickly sat up and shut his eyes as he groaned and winced with embarrassment.

"You know, I can do better. I swear!"

Daniel pulled himself out of his reverie and put his hand on Jack's back. "Jack - this is already so much more than I'd ever hoped." He tried to cajole Jack gently onto another tack. "And it was pretty damn fine for a beginner."

"Why'd you do that? I was terrified I'd hurt you."

Daniel leaned over to kiss him. "I was afraid we'd screw it up somehow, wait too long, argue over nothing, do something stupid. We know how we feel now, we don't need to wait any longer."

Jack nodded to himself. Daniel was right, they could have slipped so easily into old patterns and then have to backtrack. They were home now, and it was good. He turned to his beautiful genius and opened his arms. Daniel just smiled at him, a smile Jack had never seen, open and happy. He pulled Daniel down on top of him to hold him close, and they tried to tell each other what they wanted to convey through their embraces and a few words, meaning nothing, saying everything.

Eventually, Jack's protective nature demanded action. He broke away from Daniel's kisses with difficulty, and told him, "We've got to get out of the sun, or you'll burn. Let's go inside." But Daniel was in no mood to listen, and Jack finally had to push him up. "I'm not letting you get burnt." Saying those words brought Jack instantly to the memory of Daniel being caught by the Jaffa staff weapons, and Jack was with Teal'c and Sam, desperately trying to get back to where they'd seen Daniel get hit.

Daniel couldn't see Jack's face but he relented, a dreamy, happy smile on his face. "Okay, okay, just a few more minutes?" He lay down beside Jack and closed his eyes as he breathed in the scent of his skin.

Jack desperately pulled Daniel in closer to him, holding him, pressing them together, his face buried in Daniel's shoulder.

Daniel felt the tension. "What's wrong? Hey - what is it?"

"God!" Jack was squeezing his eyes shut, trying to erase the memory. "When you turned to look for survivors and the Jaffa got you... your back... and we couldn't find you...." He pushed his face harder into Daniel. "Danny, I can not live through one more time like that."

There was suddenly no air in Daniel's lungs, and it was a minute or two before he could speak. "I can't guarantee that, but like you said to me, you've got to trust that I will consider you, us, first, and I've never ever had that option before." He wrapped himself around Jack and tried to drive the dark thoughts away as he kissed everything he could reach.

Jack soon relaxed under this therapy, and Daniel went on, "As soon as we got here I knew I'd come home to you, and I was afraid you'd never take the chance with me. I didn't want to waste our holiday fishing," he smiled, "- and there was no way I was going home unlaid."

"Fishing? Who said anything about fishing?" Jack raised his head to look at Daniel. "Daniel, that was the most... most... fanfuckingtastic thing I ever felt. No joking."

"Me too, Jack."

Jack peered intensely at Daniel to see if he was serious. "Nah, I know damn well you are used to better, but thanks for saying that."

"Don't you get modest on me. You were wonderful and I have no complaints... well, except one."

"And what's that?" Jack readied himself for a mortal blow.

Daniel turned to lie prone on the dock to show him the problem. "There, um, seems to be a splinter the size of Texas in my backside." He waggled his eyebrows.

Jack laughed with relief, and proceeded to investigate the site. "Whoo boy, that's a nasty one. I'll have to suck it out." And he proceeded to attempt do so.

"Ow! Ow, dammit! Jack, quit fooling around and get it out!"

"Spoilsport." He pulled the splinter out and licked the small wound, slowly. "I think you need bed rest after that injury. Total bed rest."

Daniel gazed at him with adoring eyes, and Jack believed he would remember this moment as long as he lived. He took Daniel's hands and pulled him up. "Come on. It's time to go in so you can start training me to cater to your every whim."

With a sudden rush of clarity, Daniel identified the strange effervescence he'd been feeling since he got to the cabin: chairô. Joy. It was joy. He took a deep and shaky breath, and spoke. "Fool."

Jack turned back to him and their eyes met. "Not soon enough, but forever."

They went in.

fin