Many, many years ago, when the Internet was new, there were newsgroups on USENET for fanfic and discussions on fanfic. I wrote this in response to some on-line trolls and spawned a whole slew of Rude Person stories, using this framework, written in different dialects and jargons by different authors.

I miss USENET - it was raucous but it was participatory. There were many more creators than lurkers and everyone could and did pitch in and produce content. There was discussion, instead of reviews or kudos or whatever you kids have come up with.

Ahm Norra Rude Person

Ah'm frum Yorkshire, where wi say what wi mean and wi mean what wi say. For you 'mericans Yorkshire is to England what Texas is to 'Merica - only better.

Reet, that's got thi' introductions aht u't way, lets get t'good part.

Ah've 'eared as 'ow tha's aal interested in smutty stories abaht startrek written in diffrunt langwiches, like, and ah can see tha's 'ad none written in Yorkshire so 'eer goes. If tha's anything t'say abaht it, that'll be champion.

Pon Farr wi'out a lass (K 'an S wi' mucky bits)

Kirk an' Spock are on thi' tods in one of them Shuttlecrafts, and it breaks dahn on a planet, like. It's a rotten planet an'all, it's bloody parky for a start and it's coming dahn in stair rods. So they 'ave to 'ide in a cave.

Any road there's no one theer but them twos, an' bugger me if Spock dunt start wi' t'Pon Farr.

What a to do! There's no lasses for lightyeers arahnd and they's neither of 'em queer like but after a bit Spock can't tek 'is eyes off 'is captain's arse -- like two 'ard-boiled eggs in a hanky, it is. So 'ee says, "Jim, ah've come over all peculiar, like. Is there any chance of thee and me 'aving a bit of 'ow's your father?"

Well t'captain's gobsmacked. There's nowt u't laddy lass abaht 'im. Ee's got muscles on 'is spit and 'ees 'ad more girlfriends than you can shake a stick at. Some folk reckon as how best part of t'galaxy is populated wi' 'is owd girlfriends, funny looking lasses they are too, got the weirdest 'airdos an'all.

Any road out, Spock is gaggin' for it bi now, so he says, "Look will thi or won't thi? Ah've got to do summat sharpish and as far as Ah can see, lasses round 'ere are rare as rocking'orse shit."

Well, t'captain 'as a think like and 'e thinks. " Spock's been a reet good pal to me. If it worrn't for 'im Ah'd 'ave been a dead 'un donkey's years ago. Ah can't say Ah fancy him, Ah've seen more meat on a butcher's pencil, but on t'other 'and Ah don't want t'poor owd bugger to kick t'bucket." So he says, "Tha's on, owd lad."

So Kirk drops 'is kecks and they lies dahn on't floor like, even tho it's all mucky and they do.... well, tha knows full well what they do and they likes it, so they dus it agin t'other way rahnd.

An' when McCoy arrives wit' th'Enterprise he knaws what thiv bin doin' an all and 'ees pig sick 'coz he'd noticed them bloody 'ard-boiled eggs months ago and was hoping for a go 'issen

T'End

Personally I was gobsmacked anyone actually read all the way through. However in response to popular demand (well, two of them) a translation from the original Tyke.

>If tha's owt t'say abaht it, that'll be champion.

If you would care to comment, that would be wonderful.

Pon Farr wi'out a lass (K 'an S wi' mucky bits)

Pon Farr without ladies present (K/S NC-17)

Kirk an' Spock are on thi' tods in one of them Shuttlecrafts, and it breaks dahn on a planet, like. It's a rotten planet an'all, it's bloody parky for a start and it's coming dahn in stair rods. So they 'ave to 'ide in a cave.

Kirk and Spock are on their own in a Shuttlecraft and it suffers a mechanical failure on a planet. The planet is most unpleasant, for one thing it is extremely cold and for another it is raining very hard. So they take shelter in a cave.

Any road there's no one theer but them twos, an' bugger me if Spock dunt start wi' t'Pon Farr.

Anyway, they are alone and what a surprise! Spock goes into Pon Farr.

>What a to do! There's no lasses for lightyeers arahnd and they's neither of 'em queer like but after a bit Spock can't tek 'is eyes off 'is captain's arse -- like two 'ard-boiled eggs in a hanky, it is. So 'ee says, "Jim, ah've come over all peculiar, like. Is there any chance of thee and me 'aving a bit of how's your father?"

Consternation! There are no ladies in the vicinity and neither of them has homosexual inclinations but after a while, Spock's eyes gravitate towards his captain's posterior -- struck by its resemblance to two hard-boiled eggs in a hankerchief. "Jim," he says. "I am feeling more that slightly unwell. What would you estimate to be the odds of you and I engaging in sexual congress?"

> Well t'captain's gobsmacked. There's nowt u't laddy lass abaht 'im. Ee's got muscles on 'is spit and 'ees 'ad more girlfriends than you can shake a stick at. Some folk reckon as how best part of t'galaxy is populated wi' 'is owd girlfriends, funny looking lasses they are too, got the weirdest 'airdos an'all.

The Captain is shocked. He is by no means effeminate. He is very well muscled and has had more lady friends than can be conveniently enumerated. Indeed, there are people who believe that the galaxy is largely populated by Kirk's former lady friends, somewhat odd-looking ladies notable for their bizarre coiffures

Any road out, Spock is gaggin' for it bi now, so he says, "Look will thi or won't thi? Ah've got to do summat sharpish and as far as Ah can see, lasses round 'ere are rare as rocking'orse shit."

Be that has it may, Spock has became desperate. "Can I have a decision please?" he says. "The matter is becoming urgent and there is a marked shortage of female alternatives in this area."

Well, t'captain 'as a think like and 'e thinks. " Spock's been a reet good pal to me. If it worrn't for 'im Ah'd 'ave been a dead 'un donkey's years ago. Ah can't say Ah fancy him, Ah've seen more meat on a butcher's pencil, but on t'other 'and Ah don't want t'poor owd bugger to kick t'bucket." So he says, "Tha's on, owd lad."

The captain ponders. "Spock has been a very good friend to me," he thinks. "If it were not for him, I would have died many years ago. It is true that I do not find him sexually appealing, he is, after all, somewhat thin, on the other hand, I do not wish to see him die." So he says, "Very well, T'Hy'La."

So Kirk drops 'is kecks and they lies dahn on't floor like, even tho it's all mucky and they do.... well, tha knows full well what they do and they likes it, so they dus it agin t'other way rahnd.

So Kirk removes his trousers and they take up a prone position on the floor, despite the dirt, and they do...... what everyone knows they did and they enjoy the experience, so they repeat it with the roles reversed.

An' when McCoy arrives wit' th'Enterprise he knaws what thiv bin doin' an all and 'ees pig sick 'coz he'd noticed them bloody 'ard-boiled eggs months ago and was hoping for a go 'issen

And when McCoy arrives with the Enterprise, he too is in no doubt as to what occurred and is by no means happy about it, for he had also noticed the Captain's shapely hindquarters and had had designs upon them himself.

T'End

The End

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