Jokes
The Old Couple
An older couple decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?”
“To the kitchen” he replies
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks
“No, I can remember it”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top too. You’d better write it down because you know you’ll forget it”
He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down!” she retorts
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20mins the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says – “Where’s my toast?"
The Curtain Rods
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell.
They tried everything, cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtor's refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said she missed her old home terribly and would he be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU ???
THE GIRLIES PRAYER
Our Marks
Which art with Spencers
Hallowed be thy foodhall
Thy Gucci watch
Thy Kookai bag
In Hermes
As it is in Harrods
Give us each day our Visa Gold
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Next Card
And lead us not into Dorothy Perkins
But deliver us from Topshop
For thine is the Naff Naff, The Cartier and the Versace
For Gaultier and Eternity
AMEX
THE LADS' PRAYER
Our beer,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home and in the local,
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting,
And deliver us from alco-pops,
For mine is the bitter,
The ale and the lager,
Forever and ever;
BARMEN
Moral Dilemma:
This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do.
The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed. Let's say that you are a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, travelling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging onto a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below:
Which lens and shutter speed would you use?
Double Meaning
Am I bewildered by jargon? Oh yes. When you left school you paid mother board. She baked cookies, cleaned windows and if you ripped anything she patched it. If you caught a bus, the driver had a set router. If you went phishing by the stream to cache tiddlers you caught them in ter net. Wizard was a comic, zombies were in horror films and trojans were ancient history. Pegs were for clothes, pins were used to eat pomegranates, while fonts were for Christenings. Right clicks were snobby gangs and spam was in sandwiches. IT was something the posh people ate and the PDFA looked after sick animals. Yes I'm struggling a bit, but with resolution, hard drive and online support, I hope to hack it without defragmenting and finishing up in the rubbish bin. Give or take a crash or two!
The Contractor
One day while walking down the street a highly successful contractor woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an contractor make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the contractor in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends -- fellow contractors that she had worked with -- and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied. "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday you were a contractor; today you're permanent staff."
Bill Gates
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing andfrolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".
Holmes & Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says.
"Someone has stolen our tent!"
The Diary of a Sussex man : "Our White Winter"
Dec 20th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It is so beautiful and peaceful.
Dec 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white, glistening snow, covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snow-plough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the road. The driver smiled and waved, I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car, so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
Dec 26th
It snowed an additional 3 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 4 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again, shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey.
Jan 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars.
Fell on my a*se in the driveway, went to the doctors but nothing was broken.
Jan 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 5 inches of the white sh*t again last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That b*stard snow-plough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel ?
Jan 9th
More F*cking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes.
Car hit a f*cking deer on the way to the hospital and was written off.
Jan 13th
F*cking b*stard white sh*t just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little sh*ts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pr*ck's a*se it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a*sehole that drives the snow-plough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b*stard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the road like Michael F*cking Schumacher and buries the f*cking driveway again.
Jan 17th
8 more s*dding inches of f*cking snow and f*cking ice and f*cking sleet and god knows what other white sh*t fell last night. I am in court in 3 weeks time for assaulting the snow-plough driver with a shovel. Can't move my f*cking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f*cking snow is forecast.
TO F*CK WITH THIS, I'M MOVING TO LONDON.
Why guys like girls:
1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. The way her hand always finds yours
13. The way they smile
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the caller ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later....
16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you"
18. Actually ... just the way they kiss you...
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt. (even though we don't admit it)!
23. The way they say "I miss you"
24. The way you miss them
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore..... Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, travelling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found
inner peace........ It read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."
So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.
So, today I have finished off a bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a
bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and 2
litres of Stella Artois ..............
You have no idea how good I feel....
Delia's Way Vs The Real Women's Way!
Delia's Way 1
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up
eating it anyway.
Delia's Way 2
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way
Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up
to a year.
Delia's Way 3
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on
the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way 4
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a potato slice.
The Real Women's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough
sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and
you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Delia's Way 5
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?
Delia's Way 6
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to
yield beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any
egg white over the crust so I don't do that.
Delia's Way 7
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in
8 ounces of tequila. Drink the tequila. You might still have the
headache, but who gives a sh*t?
Delia's Way 8
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.
The Real Women's Way
What's the point of blokes then?
And finally the most important tip -
Delia's Way 9
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way
Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and
hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the
customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where
did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets. "The president
then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for
example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square. "Ha!" laughed the
president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet! "The
old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the
president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old
lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I
bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied
the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side,
again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that
there were absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the
bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with
her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the
president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are
square! "The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him
to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little
old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is allot of money, so I guess you
should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was
quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,
"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing,
except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of
Canada's president's balls in my hand."
The Fundamental Differences between Men and Women
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing
WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE
INTERRUPTS,
"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN
FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW"
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;
"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS
LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
THE WIFE ASKS,
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
FINE, SHE SAYS,
"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR,
THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE
SAYS.
"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T
THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE
STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO
HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE
ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS
WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID,
"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE
YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS,
AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID,
"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED,
"HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!"
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where women may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There
is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose
to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework,
and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited....
MEDWAY HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on
the Richter scale hit Medway in the early hours of Saturday. Its epicentre
was in Chatham. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering
"Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of
damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa
del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals
were woken well before their giros arrived.
Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in Chatham. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith,
a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes
come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and
Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates
of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found
large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or
Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
***Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "STROOD" said the girl,
"wossit gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Medway - oh, sod it...
they won't be able to read it anyway.
The Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew!