Parent Articles

When You and Your Child Need Emotional First Aid

from ahaparenting.com

We all have hard days! We might find ourselves in an escalating cycle with our child, where we see everything she does through a negative lens. Maybe we have an interaction with him that leaves wounds. How can we recover our patience, repair the relationship, and move back into a positive cycle? Here are five steps you can take that will really help. You'll see big changes within a few days.

1. Calm yourself down.

The first step is to get past your own upset. When you're hurt, or scared, you naturally want to lash out. But your child is not the enemy, no matter what she did. So the first step is to calm yourself down before you talk to your child. Try deep breathing, holding yourself with compassion, letting yourself feel those tears and fears. But the minute you veer into blame or anger, rein yourself in. Stay away from the story about why your child is wrong and you're right. Instead, just feel whatever pain you feel at the moment, and love yourself through it. Those feelings will begin to evaporate, and you won't need the anger. Now you can start to choose love.

2. Let go of your fear.

Usually, we "crack down" on kids out of our own fear. It's natural to worry when your child seems to be purposely acting badly. Will she still be like this when she grows up? Luckily, the answer is almost certainly no. She will mature. It's natural for her to make mistakes or act childish -- her frontal cortex is still developing (and won't be finished until she's in her twenties!) What she really needs from you, so that she can grow and change, is your unconditional love and your belief in her essential goodness.

3. See it from his perspective.

Your child is not out to get you. He's only trying to get his needs met as best he can. If he's using strategies that don't work so well, maybe you can figure out how to help him meet those needs more constructively. For instance:

-A child who's hitting a younger sibling is almost always acting out of fear -- that you don't love him as much, or that his territory is being invaded. Aggression is a defense against fear or pain.

-A child who's being demanding and cranky usually needs to cry in the safety of your arms.

-A child who's being obstinate usually needs more autonomy and opportunities to explore her power in the world.

-A child who acts disrespectful needs more connection with you -- and to feel heard and respected by you.

4. Write a list of all the things you appreciate about your child.

Make sure you write at least a page. Stalled out? Think back to when she was a baby. Or reflect on how every "fault" you see in your child is actually a strength if seen from another perspective, and list those strengths.

5. Re-connect.

Find every opportunity to empathize and connect. Acknowledge his feelings so he feels heard and accepted, even when you're setting limits ("I see how frustrated you are"....."This isn't what you wanted"....."You wish it could be different") Roughhouse to get him laughing every day, particularly with games that show him how much you value him. At bedtime, ask him what was good about his day, and listen while you stroke his hair. Tell him all the things you love about him. Tell him how lucky you are to be his parent. In the end, maybe the most important thing you can do for your child's self esteem, and for your relationship with him, is to actively delight in him.

After three days of this, you should see a big difference in how connected you feel with your child. You'll also see a big difference in your child's behavior, because children blossom when they feel safe and connected.

And you'll notice that you're more patient. Because patience doesn't come from gritting your teeth and trying not to lose your temper. Patience comes from your deep understanding of your child's perspective....Your awareness that she's a child, still learning....And your love, which is so much bigger than those tough days that every parent has sometimes.

Strategies to reduce stress:

1. Develop a positive attitude--people with positive attitudes are apt to be happier, more successful, and better able to handle crisis and stress. And in concert with the positive attitude, get an attitude of gratitude for what you have instead of dwelling on what you don't.

2. Avoid negative self talk--laugh at your mistakes and say I'll remember next time.

3. View a crisis situation as an opportunity--creative problem solving can expand your options. Try to make a list of good things that could result from the problem you're having to solve.

4. Laugh--Humor is a great stress reducer. Studies indicate laughter can make you healthier.

5. Exercise--Regular exercise increases energy and releases brain biochemicals to ward off depression and anxiety. Just a 15 minute walk a day will help keep body and soul together.

6. Improve your diet--During times of stress it can be easy to skip meals or eat junk food, but it is important to take care of yourself! A diet rich in fruit, vegetables and fiber will help you maintain the physical and mental stress you need to deal with the situation.

7. Get enough rest- sleep disturbances are common during stress. Take time to unwind and relax before going to sleep. Stepping away from cell phones, computers and other forms of technology is important to let your brain relax.

September is National Attendance Awareness Month

Did you know that missing just 10% of the school year in the early grades can leave many students struggling throughout elementary school? Or that by 6th grade, missing that much school is strongly linked to course failure and even eventually dropping out of high school? That’s just 18 days — or two to three days per month. Every school day counts, and everyone can make a difference!!

Back-to-School Transitions: Tips for Parents

By Ted Feinberg, EdD, NCSP, & Katherine C. Cowan

National Association of School Psychologists

Getting a new school year off to a good start can influence children’s attitude, confidence, and performance both socially and academically. The transition from August to September can be difficult for both children and parents. Even children who are eager to return to class must adjust to the greater levels of activity, structure, and, for some, pressures associated with school life.

The degree of adjustment depends on the child, but parents can help their children (and the rest of the family) manage the increased pace of life by planning ahead, being realistic, and maintaining a positive attitude. Here are a few suggestions to help ease the transition and promote a successful school experience.

Before School Starts

Good physical and mental health. Be sure your child is in good physical and mental health. Schedule doctor and dental checkups early. Discuss any concerns you have over your child’s emotional or psychological development with your pediatrician. Your doctor can help determine if your concerns are normal, age-appropriate issues or require further assessment. Your child will benefit if you can identify and begin addressing a potential issue before school starts.

Review all of the information. Review the material sent by the school as soon as it arrives. These packets include important information about your child’s teacher, room number, school supply requirements, sign ups for after-school sports and activities, school calendar dates, bus transportation, health and emergency forms, and volunteer opportunities.

Mark your calendar. Make a note of important dates, especially back-to-school nights. This is especially important if you have children in more than one school and need to juggle obligations.

Make copies. Make copies of all your child’s health and emergency information for reference. Health forms are typically good for more than a year and can be used again for camps, extracurricular activities, and the following school year.

Buy school supplies early. Try to get the supplies as early as possible and fill the backpacks a week or two before school starts. Older children can help do this, but make sure they use a checklist that you can review.

Re-establish the bedtime and mealtime routines. Plan to re-establish the bedtime and mealtime routines (especially breakfast) at least 1 week before school starts. Prepare your child for this change by talking with your child about the benefits of school routines in terms of not becoming over tired or overwhelmed by school work and activities. Include pre-bedtime reading and household chores if these were suspended during the summer.

Turn off the TV. Encourage your child to play quiet games, do puzzles, flash cards, color, or read as early morning activities instead of watching television. This will help ease your child into the learning process and school routine. If possible, maintain this practice throughout the school year. Television is distracting for many children, and your child will arrive at school better prepared to learn each morning if he or she has engaged in less passive activities.

Minimize clothes shopping woes. Buy only the essentials. Summer clothes are usually fine during the early fall, but be sure to have at least one pair of sturdy shoes. Check with your school to confirm dress code guidelines. Common concerns include extremely short skirts and shorts, low rise pants, bare midriffs, spaghetti strap or halter tops, exposed undergarments, and clothing that have antisocial messages.

Designate and clear a place to do homework. Older children should have the option of studying in their room or a quiet area of the house. Younger children usually need an area set aside in the family room or kitchen to facilitate adult monitoring, supervision, and encouragement.

Select a spot to keep backpacks and lunch boxes. Designate a spot at home for your children to place their school belongings as well as a place to put important notices and information sent home for you to see. Explain that emptying their backpack each evening is part of their responsibility, even for young children.

Freeze a few easy dinners. It will be much easier on you if you have dinner prepared so that meal preparation will not add to household tensions during the first week of school.

The First Week

Clear your own schedule. To the extent possible, postpone business trips, volunteer meetings, and extra projects. You want to be free to help your child acclimate to the school routine and overcome the confusion or anxiety that many children experience at the start of a new school year.

Make lunches the night before school. Older children should help or make their own. Give them the option to buy lunch in school if they prefer and finances permit.

Set alarm clocks. Have school-age children set their own alarm clocks to get up in the morning. Praise them for prompt response to morning schedules and bus pickups.

Leave plenty of extra time. Make sure your child has plenty of time to get up, eat breakfast, and get to school.

After school. Review with your child what to do after school. Be very specific, particularly with young children. Put a note card in their backpack with the number(s) where you or other family members can be reached.

Review your child’s schoolbooks. Talk about what your child will be learning during the year. Share your enthusiasm for the subjects and your confidence in your child’s ability to master the content. Reinforce the natural progression of the learning process that occurs over the school year. Learning skills take time and repetition. Encourage your child to be patient, attentive, and positive.

Familiarize yourself with your child's teacher and other school staff. Be sure to attend back-to-school night and introduce yourself to the teachers. Find out how they like to communicate with parents (e.g., through notes, e-mail, or phone calls). Make an effort to find out who it is in the school or district who can be a resource for you and your child. Learn their roles and how best to access their help if you need them. This can include the principal and front office personnel; school counselor, and the school nurse.

Overcoming Anxiety

Let your children know you care. If your child is anxious about school, send personal notes in the lunch box or book bag. Reinforce the ability to cope. Children absorb their parent’s anxiety, so model optimism and confidence for your child. Let your child know that it is natural to be a little nervous anytime you start something new but that your child will be just fine once he or she becomes familiar with classmates, the teacher, and school routine.

Do not overreact. If the first few days are a little rough, try not to over react. Young children in particular may experience separation anxiety or shyness initially but teachers are trained to help them adjust. If you drop them off, try not to linger. Reassure them that you love them, will think of them during the day, and will be back.

Remain calm and positive. Acknowledge anxiety over a bad experience the previous year. Children who had a difficult time academically or socially or were teased or bullied may be more fearful or reluctant to return to school. If you have not yet done so, share your child’s concern with the school and confirm that the problem has been addressed. Reassure your child that the problem will not occur again in the new school year, and that you and the school are working together to prevent further issues.

Reinforce your child’s ability to cope. Give your child a few strategies to manage a difficult situation on his or her own. But encourage your child to tell you or the teacher if the problem persists. Maintain open lines of communication with the school.

Plan to volunteer in the classroom. If possible, plan to volunteer in the classroom at least periodically throughout the year. Doing so helps your child understand that school and family life are linked and that you care about the learning experience. Being in the classroom is also a good way to develop a relationship with your child’s teachers and classmates, and to get firsthand exposure to the classroom environment and routine. Most teachers welcome occasional parent help, even if you cannot volunteer regularly.

Tips for Family use on Technology and Media

Article from parenting.org

Technology should serve your family and bring you closer together; it should not make your family its servant and keep you apart.
Parents are their children’s first and best teachers. Model appropriate use of technology and media for your kids.
Using cell phones, computers, televisions and other electronic devices is a privilege for kids, not a right.
Set a family media policy. Decide who can use what forms of technology, what constitutes appropriate content for each one, when and where it’s acceptable to use each one, and how you will monitor usage. Make sure everyone in the family knows the policy.
Establish appropriate consequences, both positive and negative, for technology and media usage. Communicate those consequences clearly and often to your kids.
Establish “technology-free” zones and times in your home when you all “unplug” and concentrate on talking with each other and enjoying each other’s company.
Help your children achieve balance in their lives by encouraging them to stay physically active, enjoy reading, and relax and have fun without electronics.
Take advantage of resources that “watch” media content, and use them to help you decide when you should say “Yes” or say “No” to your children’s media/technology use.
Talk with other parents. Let them know what your family technology and media policy is and ask how they handle those issues in their homes. Support each other in helping kids use technology and media safely and appropriately.

Parent Tips to Help Prepare Your Student for Standardized Testing

by Pete Garlinghouse

All parents want to see their student(s) perform well in school. Parents play an important part in helping their children give their best performance on a test. The ideas presented below may serve as a guideline for parents when helping their student(s) prepare for testing.

The following list of activities represent things parents can be doing throughout the year.

1. Read to your children and/or have older children read to you.

2. Discuss with your student(s) what they have read.

3. Make sure your student reads at least 20 minutes a day.

4. Know what kind of homework teachers expect and make sure students complete it.

5. Provide your student(s) with a regular, quiet place where they can do homework

6. Expect every child to take tough courses.

7. Take an active interest in what your student is doing in school. What is he or she learning? Communicate with them daily. What your student is learning on a daily basis builds the foundation for being able to demonstrate high achievement on tests.

During the weeks leading up to the TEST begin to talk with your student about the importance of giving their best effort during testing. The following thoughts will help you in preparing your child for being ready to give the test his or her all.

The night before:

• Help your child get to bed on time. Research shows that being well-rested helps students do better.

• Keep your routine as normal as possible. Upsetting natural routines may make children feel insecure.

• Mention the test to show you’re interested, but don’t dwell on it.

• Plan ahead to avoid conflicts on the morning of the test.

The week of the test:

• Get up early to avoid rushing. Be sure to have your child at school on time.

• Have your child eat a good breakfast. Research shows that students do better if they have breakfast before they take tests.

• Have your child dress in something comfortable.

• Be positive about the test. Acknowledge that tests can be hard and that they’re designed so that no one will know all of the answers. Explain that doing your best is what counts. The important thing is to make your child comfortable and confident about the test.

After the test:

• Talk to your child about his or her feelings about the test, making sure you acknowledge the effort such a task requires.

• Discuss what was easy and what was hard; discuss what your child learned from the test.

• Discuss what changes your child would make if he or she were to retake the test.

• Explain that performance on a test is not a condition for you to love your child. You love your child just for the person he or she is.

This article can be found at: www.siouxcityschools.org/vnews/display.v/ART/2007/09/12/46e829ac64595

Catching Kids Being Good!!

Article from parenting.org

If you’ve ever taken a family dog through obedience training, you know the power and importance of praise in encouraging positive behavior. Praise is helpful not only for pets, but also for children. When parents consistently practice acceptance, approval and appreciation, they help their children grow into responsible, successful and confident adults.

The first step to using praise to reinforce your child’s good behavior is learning to catch him or her doing good.

Every day, children do good things that parents often overlook – dressing themselves, asking permission to do something or go somewhere with friends, and playing, reading or watching television quietly. Unfortunately, it’s natural, and sometimes easier, to inadvertently ignore positive behavior and react to negative behavior. That’s why most adults tend to notice when kids do bad things far more often than they recognize good behavior.

So, get in the habit of looking for your children’s positive behaviors. If you notice your teenager doing homework or your two young children playing well together, take a moment to say something specific like ““Thanks for getting your homework done” or “I like how you and your sister are playing together.”

Opportunities for Approval

When you ask your child to do something, make sure you recognize his or her compliance. Select a few 20-minute periods throughout the day when you intentionally focus on looking for your children to follow your instructions. When they do, praise their good behavior with enthusiasm. Consistent, specific and immediate praise for good behavior is a powerful and effective way to show your child your approval. These actions and words can all be used to praise your child:

Frequent hugs, smiles and pats on the back
“I am proud of you.”
“You did a great job!”
“Way to work hard.”

Other Ways to Praise

Tangible rewards are another excellent way to praise a child for good behavior. A special treat or activity, like going on a bike ride with Mom or reading a book with Dad, is a great way to reinforce positive behavior. Use verbal praise and physical touch most often, but mix in tangible rewards on occasion to show your children that you recognize and appreciate their good behavior.

Offer praise often, to the tune of five praise statements or actions for positive behavior for every one negative behavior that you correct. As you consistently “catch” your child being good, you’ll find yourself being more positive around him or her. In time, you should notice your child using more positive behaviors as a result.

Stress in Children and Adolescents: Tips for Parents

Everyone is affected by stress and reacts to it in different ways. Stress is a way that our body responds to the demands made upon us by the environment, our relationships, and our perceptions and interpretations of those demands. We all experience both "good stress" and "bad stress." Good stress is that optimal amount of stress that results in our feeling energized and motivated to do our best work. Good stress encourages us to develop effective coping strategies to deal with our challenges, which ultimately contributes to our resilience. Bad stress occurs when our coping mechanisms are overwhelmed by the stress and we do not function at our best. The same event can affect children and adults in very individual ways—one person may see a carnival ride as thrilling and another may see it as a major stressor. Stress can become distress when we are unable to cope or when we believe that we do not have the ability to meet the challenge. The solution is to adapt, change, and find methods to turn that bad stress into good stress.

Causes of Stress:

At School: Stress can come from an unstructured classroom, unclear or unreasonable expectations, or fear of failure.

At Home: Stress can occur through a lack of family routines, over-scheduling, prolonged or serious illness, poor nutrition, change in the family situation, financial problems, family strife or abuse, or unclear or unreasonable expectations.

Peer-related: Stress can be a result of changing school buildings, having to deal with a bully, fitting in with the crowd, or moving to a new community.

Stress tends to be additive in nature and with children can result in inappropriate behaviors, academic difficulties, or health problems. Parents can usually look back over recent events and see the causes of the behavior through the building of stressful situations.

Symptoms of Stress in Children

*Irritability or unusual emotionality or volatility.

*Sleep difficulty or nightmares.

*Inability to concentrate.

*Drop in grades or other functioning.

*Toileting or eating concerns.

*Headaches or stomachaches.

*Unexplained fears or increased anxiety (that also can take the form of clinging).

*Regression to earlier developmental levels.

*Isolation from family activities or peer relationships.

*Drug or alcohol experimentation.

Factors That Help Prevent Stress

*Positive problem solving and coping skills.

*Close, supportive relationships at home and school, with peers and adults.

*Clear expectations.

*Permission and ability to learn from mistakes.

*Developing competencies (academic, social, extracurricular, and life skills).

*Consistent, positive discipline.

*Ability to express feelings appropriately.

*Feeling physically and emotionally safe.

*Good nutrition and exercise.

*Time to relax or do recreational activities.

How Parents Can Help

*Be aware of your child’s behaviors and emotions.

*Build trust with your child.

*Be available and open to talk with your child when they are ready.

*Encourage the expression of feelings.

*Teach and model good emotional responses.

*Encourage them to tell you if they feel overwhelmed.

*Encourage healthy and diverse friendships.

*Encourage physical activity, good nutrition, and rest.

*Teach your child to problem solve.

*Remind your child of his or her ability to get through tough times, particularly with the love and support of family and friends.

*Keep your child aware of anticipated family changes.

*Monitor television programs that could worry your child and pay attention to the use of computer games, movies, and the Internet.

*Use encouragement and natural consequences when poor decisions are made.

*Help your child select appropriate extracurricular activities and limit over-scheduling. Make your child aware of the harmful effects of drugs and alcohol before experimentation begins.

*Monitor your own stress level. Take care of yourself.

*Contact your child’s teacher with any concerns and make them part of the team available to

assist your child.

*Seek the assistance of a physician, school counselor, or teacher if stress continues to be a concern.

Adapted from: "Stress in Children and Adolescents," Ellis P. Copeland, Helping Children at Home and School III: Handouts for Families and Educators, NASP, 2010. The full handout is available online at http://www.nasponline.org/families.