My Peers, Watch Out for the Massh*les

To my fellow upperclassmen, who are at the age of receiving your licenses to drive, and to my underclassmen peers, who aspire to turn 16 years of age to begin the process of getting your license:

Watch out for the Massh*les.

When I took my driver’s education course, I was told that Massachusetts has the worst drivers in the country. I do not know where my instructor got his data from, but he told us that Worcester and Boston, in particular, had the most accidents among all municipalities in the country.

I should have taken that data more seriously.

Good luck practicing for your road test. While driving, you may encounter someone going too slow - 20 mph when the limit is 30 mph. Or someone will risk crashing into you or another car to pass you, going 40 mph. You will get tailgated, so you worry about having to make a sudden break that will get you rear-ended. You are coerced into speeding up, and, if you do have your license, you risk losing it for 90 days, paying a $500 reinstatement fee, and having to reapply for your permit. You suddenly break and pray to your higher power you did it in time. Because of the lack of uniformity in the roads, unlike a place like New York City, the roads are unpredictable. Don’t even get me started on the potholes that you have to swerve around so you don’t have to blow off hundreds of dollars on a new tire

Even though you have the right-of-way, someone will make a left turn while you are crossing the intersection.. You will not know if there is a protected left lane or a no-turn lane. The Massh*les will cut you off because they also did not realize it. They didn’t even bother to use their blinker.

You break suddenly and honk at the Massh*le, like what they would do themself. You yell, “Use yah ****in’ blinkah!” even though they can’t hear you. You even sound like a Massh*le.

You yourself will get honked at because Mr. Not-Punctual set his alarm too late and is pissed off because you won’t make a right turn at a red light. You flip him off like a Massh*le, and he flips you off back because he is a Massh*le.

Inspired by the Massh*les you have encountered, you start speeding, aggressively changing lanes, and cutting drivers off to make your turn. You now also find pleasure in honking your horn excessively and flipping people off when they honk at you. Your favorite thing to do, though, is to improperly and dangerously merge on I-90, especially during rush hour. J.F.C., M.F.,  and “[Insert higher power] dammit” are some of your new favorite acronyms and phrases. You notice that most of them contain blasphemy; better start repenting.

You have adapted to the driving behaviors of the Massh*les and have done what was necessary to survive the roads of Massachusetts: 

Become a Massh*le yourself.