Does your child give you instructions, order other children around, or exert other controlling behaviours? This may happen during times of transition (to or from school, when coming off their devices). This can be very hard to manage. It is often an attempt to have some control when they feel they have none. It could be due to lack of cause and effect thinking, being unable to visualise outcomes. It is helpful to view controlling behaviours as being fear based. So rather than thinking they are ‘too controlling’, think my child is thinking ‘I need to keep myself safe and I cannot rely on others to do so’.

Things that can help during

Tell your child ‘you are safe’.  Use wondering aloud to explore the controlling behaviours such as ‘I wonder if you are telling me which way to drive because you are worried I have forgotten the way?’  Don’t show doubt or hesitation, as this makes children feel unsafe and may increase their urge to take control.

Use empathic commentary to speculate on feelings around being in control. ‘I can see you are trying to be the boss today, I expect you are worried that no one else can sort this out apart from you. It must be exhausting to have that worry all the time!’

Things to help generally
Establish strong routines, that are predictable and under your control  Establish clear house rules such as the parent has the remote for the TV.  Use visible wall charts and calendars to show what is happening now and next. Use images if possible, rather than words.

Sometimes we could all do with someone to talk to.  If you would like to meet Helen for a confidential and non-judgemental chat about you, your child, or any other worries, she is available on Wednesdays and Thursdays 9-10am. You can call/text Helen on 07429 654584 or email her at

helen@schoolscounsellingpartnership.co.uk