Witton Park's Arbinger Blog

13/7/22

I think many people know this already, but after almost eight years at Witton, and three years developing outward mindset training in the MAT, I am moving to a full-time Arbinger role at Fylde Coast Academy Trust (which will allow me to spend more time developing the availability of outward mindset in education regionally and beyond) and so this will be my final ATC-based 'Arbinger email'.

I don’t believe it's possible to succeed in isolation (although I often forget how much I owe to others) and I want to thank you for every positive thing you’ve said and done that's helped me grow as a teacher and as a person.

I think education will always be a challenging field to work in, because every day it cuts to the heart and soul of what life is about. What a remarkable privilege that is. Over the past eight years, I’ve been repeatedly influenced by staff doing phenomenal, outward things in challenging contexts–for each other and for the children and communities we serve. Thank you for raising my vision of what it means to see people as people.

29/6/22

I was seventeen. It was an early evening in 1991 and with the naive and ego-laced bravado of youth, I chose to go kayaking on a Welsh estuary with a friend and his older brother. The problem was the conditions weren’t great. It was windy, it was raining, and the light was fading.

I wasn’t a beginner but I wasn’t really a strong canoeist. So we told ourselves we’d paddle into the headwind to make the journey back easier.

After travelling about a mile, we decided to turn around. And at that moment I realised I might be in trouble. The headwind had not been a challenge because we were in the flow of a strong outgoing tide. The current was immense. Immediately, I made another mistake. Dipping the paddle into the water to turn myself about, it was forced against the side of the canoe causing me to flip over. I knew I couldn’t right myself and had to get out. I knew how to release the canoe’s spray deck underwater but I was stunned at the power pulling me out to sea.

While there might be all sorts of metaphors from this experience (the adverse influence of ego, the nature of challenge, the seen and the unseen) what I hope to invite is reflection on the place and space for gratitude.

I'm not sure how my story would have ended if not for my friend’s brother who was a competent, strong canoeist and who came to my aid, protecting me from further harm - perhaps even death - and who got me back into my canoe and on my way again, shaken but safe, and definitely a whole lot wiser.

Who in our teams has made a difference to us? To whom might we give sincere thanks? And what powerful, life-influencing benefits might there be in regularly taking time to recognise how often we succeed because of the help and care and presence of others?

15/6/22

The Power of Finding Out

The first two tasks on this Arbinger mindset assessment catch me out every time I take them. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being high, rank yourself on the following:

1. I have a clear and complete understanding of my manager’s goals and objectives.

2. I can accurately write the top three goals and objectives of my key coworkers.

I have sometimes confused turning outward as the investment of trying to be a nicer person, an extra-miler-non-complainer, but this by itself has ironically led into the cul-de-sac of remaining self-focused in an 'inwardly nice' way - tellingly, unable to answer questions one and two above. Thus, turning outward is perhaps more about consistent actions that increase sight of each other - intentional acts of checking and removing our blindspots to enhance clear-sight of others as people and what they are trying to achieve so that we can collectively succeed.

How can we know we are good at our jobs if we are unclear whether we are helping or hindering our managers' and coworkers' objectives? How can we know we are helping or hindering others unless we are consistently listening, asking useful questions, and checking our assumptions?

What might happen if we actively and routinely asked about others’ roles, job needs, goals, challenges and objectives? Such questions need not be time-consuming. How might this habit prevent waste and counterproductive effort? How might a habit of finding out become among the most significant actions of our week?

Whose objectives are we least aware of this week? When can we change this? How might increasing our awareness increase energy and collective success? What might lie ahead through the power of finding out?

11/5/22

'Like Water . . .'

One of my Arbinger mentors shared a Bruce Lee quote with me last week!

‘You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot . . . ‘

I’d emailed him, excited but apprehensive about an invitation I'd received to speak on outward mindset in education at a Romanian Arbinger symposium. My mentor encouraged me to enjoy the experience, but reminded me to forget myself (i.e. the self-focused concern about how I come across to others) to help create space and increased capacity to focus on and attune to the actual needs of the people with whom I would speak. (The principle resonated in respect of how to more fully serve pupil audiences too). I've recognised that like water, who we are - our core identity - remains the same, regardless of the flexibility and changes required of us.

To be like water is to see that we are always in relation, interacting with the needs of the people around us. We are also more than water, able to reflect and hold ourselves accountable for impact. For the way we are in relation with others has the power to either damage or enliven our communities.

27/4/22

That Much-Loved Teacher

May I share a story? (It’ll mean a slightly longer email than usual.)

I struggled to have faith in myself at school. Attendance-wise, I was in and out quite a bit, and moved home a couple of times too, making it difficult to gel with peers and hard to build a secure foundation of knowledge to use during the end of school exams. I scraped Cs in three. Eventually at 17, I dropped out just shy of halfway through sixth form (during which time I had spent the first months re-sitting GCSEs, scraping just one more C.)

About 10 years later, I found my way into Lancaster University through the side door of open access adult night classes and correspondence courses, desperate and excited to lay my education ghosts to rest, but still embarrassed by very real shortcomings. It was at this stage that I came to know someone who would become a much-loved teacher, a history professor who helped and inspired me to believe in my ability to study in an HE setting.

Without exception, he was enthusiastic about our discussions, bringing his considerable academic experience to my tentative thoughts and suggestions; yet he was never condescending, always open, always interested, always nurturing. The only time I ever noticed a fleeting beat of hesitation was when I once told him I would like to become a published writer one day! My grammar was poor and he was a multi-published author. Notwithstanding his apparent surprise, he invested deeply in mentoring my writing.

Through the influence of his example, I gained momentum and began to thrive, receiving a BA in Independent Studies and then MA degrees in creative writing and history. While he was not the only teacher who made a truly positive difference, he stands out in my memory as an example of something I read in Arbinger’s The Choice in Teaching & Education:

Although it is true . . . that we remember little our teachers have spoken, there is something they give that we never forget–the influence of their way of being.

That much-loved teacher’s way of being was to see me as a person, to see things I couldn’t yet see in myself, and to then share his capacity with consistent, genuine kindness–inspiring me with his example of enthusiasm to learn new things about topics he already knew so much about, all the while generously maintaining high expectations. I owe him a life-long debt of gratitude.

Which teachers inspired you? How did they change your view of yourself by their way of being?

30/3/22

Outward, Inward - At The Same Time (And Why This Is Good News)

This week, an extract from the newly released fourth edition of The Anatomy of Peace. (The book is written as a story, hence the inclusion of characters and dialogue).

“First of all,” Avi began, “you need to realise something about the box. Since the box [i.e. being inward] is just a metaphor for how I am in relationship with another person, I can be both in and out of the box at the same time, just in different directions. That is, I can be blaming and justifying toward my wife, for example, and yet be clear-sighted toward Yusuf, or vice versa. Given the hundreds of relationships I have at any given time, even if I am deeply in a box toward one person, I am nearly always out of a box toward someone else.”

The reason this is good news is twofold:

(a) it relieves us of the pressure of operating in a binary way. Mindset doesn’t work in a binary way, but on a continuum.

(b) because we move back and forth along this continuum daily, we possess the ability to see and feel the difference in the states of mind. We can think about our outward moments and from those spaces, invite spontaneous recalibrations of judgement, shifting away from inwardness with a renewed sense of peace.

16/3/22

Saying No - And Other Ideas To Feel More Outward

This week I want to keep the email simple - and signpost to a menu of 4 Arbinger blogs that may be helpful to come back to at the times we feel the growing pressures of various education setting whirlwinds.

1. To Become A High Performer, Say ‘No’

2. How Well Do You Really Know Your Team?

3. Is Resiliency Enough?

4. Seeing the Invisible

Wishing you great success.

26/2/22

While isolating with Covid recently, I received a copy of Arbinger’s newly released fourth edition of their conflict resolution themed book called The Anatomy of Peace. One of the things I find difficult is to read a book from cover to cover - I tend to dip in and out or read for information. But with plenty of time on my hands, I decided I would invest in a more orderly (and traditional!) approach by starting at the beginning and working steadily to the end. I’m glad I did because I was reminded of ideas I had got hazy on - and benefited from the way each idea built on the one before it. At the very end, I found a list of listening ideas, found them uplifting and thought I could share in this week’s email. Shifting mindset has so much to do with the willingness to cultivate genuine rather than blaming curiosity - especially when we get stuck in challenging interactions. So I really appreciated the following:

• Listen to learn about the person

• Listen to learn from the person

• Listen to learn how I might be mistaken [in assumptions/perceptions of situation, judgement etc].

26/1/22

1. Over the past few years, I have watched this short Arbinger video multiple times but come away feeling confused about how it demonstrates outward mindset. Recently, I realised I'd missed its central message: seeing and owning our impact on others is ultimately renewing. Ivan's story is an extreme example, but it illustrates a principle that also holds up in our everyday comings and goings.

Arbinger suggests that these moments of deeply owning our instances of self-focused-blindness-to-others are the very moments we begin to feel most alive to the people around us, most able to respond in genuinely helpful ways, and most able to work with a heart at peace.

2. What might occur to us to do - and what could we build together - if we routinely checked our impulse to assume or criticise and, instead, replaced that impulse with the habit of genuine, regular, and proactive curiosity about the goals, challenges, and aspirations of those we associate with?

12/1/22

I'd love to hear your ideas.

Whatever we take it to mean, outward mindset is not about Being Nice At All Costs. Being Nice At All Costs is often being disconnected from genuine response, being more concerned to project an inwardly rooted image of ourselves. Being Nice At All Costs often means others are denied useful, maybe even life-influencing feedback.

On the other hand, we sometimes claim the 'Being Honest' card when in reality we are just being belligerently short tempered.

Think about how draining it is to be inward. 'Being Nice At All Costs' and 'Being [belligerently] Honest' is taxing and toxic.

Outward mindset is fueled by accountable awareness: of self and others. We change as we acknowledge how our red flagged justifications of Better Than, I Deserve, Worse Than, and/or Need to Be Seen As styles are distorting our vision - and we become able to help as we deeply understand others' humanity.

A key seems to be remaining honest in seeing our red flags. To acknowledge how these are distorting the truth of a situation, and then to be willing to own our impact and do whatever it is we sense others need of us in that moment. Inviting and demanding better actions from others as well as ourselves - but truly, honestly, driven by a kind of reverence for their humanity and with a fierce intent for their success.

For more on this, read Enhancing Performance: The Three Levels of Accountability written by Arbinger Singapore/Malaysia.

15/12/21

In March 2016, I was lucky enough to go on a DfE-sponsored trip to France and Belgium as part of First World War commemorations. I was amazed at how cold it was, having not realised how the sea air whips in across the flat west Belgian landscape.

In that setting over a hundred years ago, thousands of men–huddled in trenches on each side of No Man’s Land–sang carols to each other in both German and English. While the Christmas truce was brief, local, and later forbidden from being repeated, it showed that even enemies can connect through hearing, seeing and sensing each other's shared hopes and humanity.

While we all hope this season will be a time of happiness, we are also mindful it can sometimes be a time of tiredness and tension. (I know I'm sometimes tetchy at the end of a long term–especially the autumn one.) So 4 Tips to Manage Family Conflict During the Holidays is a timely article I was happy to recently find, with ideas I hope to remember in the year to come!

With warm wishes for a wonderful Christmas, and a happy New Year.

01/12/21

In the mid 1800s, a Hungarian obstetrician called Ignaz Semmelweis worked in a maternity hospital in Vienna that had a terrible mortality rate.* Mothers were dying at an alarming rate - due, it was later realised, to the hospital's doctors unwittingly carrying deadly infection via their unwashed hands to the pregnant women about to give birth.

This was a time before acceptance of germ theory, but as Semmelweis reflected, he began to consider how he might be part of the problem and so started teaching the idea of handwashing. The problem was that many doctors at his hospital (in contrast to medical practitioners elsewhere) resisted his ideas, perhaps due to misplaced conviction that they could not possibly be a reason for the perpetuation of the problem.

How many solutions and innovations might we find as we become willing to consider how we too might be actively helping to perpetuate problems we complain about?

(*Story used in Leadership and Self-Deception, The Arbinger Institute, 2000)

17/11/21

Several times in the past few weeks, I have been invited to reflect on how the red-flag anxiety of 'being good' (enough - or not) as a person, in a role, under scrutiny is different from (and can work against) the experience of seeing ourselves as whole and of whole-heartedly accepting that we are people who matter too.

Arbinger suggests it is not people who are an organisation's most important asset but that the most important asset is the regard people have for each other. And that outward regard for others is linked to whole-hearted regard for ourselves - free from the need to justify or hide or excuse or apologise for what we worry is not yet good (enough.)

In fact, this also suggests that the habit of rejecting self is likely a 'worse than' self-deception, an inward view that ironically blocks clear sight of others and reduces our capacity to act in ways that are most helpful to our communities. Look again at the inward-outward hard-soft behaviours matrix. How easy is it for us to apply the outward behaviours effectively while stuck in proving (if only to self) that we are 'being good' (enough)?

So: to turn outward - to see and connect deeply with others - is to see and accept ourselves, including the parts we strive to hide. This fuller seeing of self invites a deep sense of wholeness which makes it possible to respond more truthfully to and for others - whatever that might ask of us in the moment.

03/11/21

A common misunderstanding of the outward mindset is that it just means being nice (aka: weak). (Aka: becoming a doormat for others to disrespect and mistreat) and promotes a culture of being excessively soft. And therefore is ineffective in leading, correcting, and maintaining order. If this is a perception we or others sometimes have - or what we think we experience when trying to apply it - may I invite a pause for thought?

Take a moment to check the attached matrix of hard and soft behaviours. To what extent might people sometimes confuse soft inward behaviours as examples of being outward? Which of the hard outward behaviours might be needed to keep seeing and treating people as people?

When our mindset is genuinely inward (think Red Flags) our view of and ability to treat others as people who matter is compromised. When in this state (of blaming others as the problem: whether as vehicles, obstacles, or irrelevancies) whatever behaviour we adopt - whether hard, soft or a combination of both - rings false and invites resentment, resistance, and collusion. Notice how our view of others links with our connection or disconnection with them.

Outward mindset has been used by Navy SEALS and police SWAT teams, just as it has been by the NHS and in wilderness therapy organisations. If we have ever imagined the outward mindset as only excessively soft, it might be that we have confused inward/outward soft and hard behaviours. When we see others as people who matter, this vision guides behaviour - including prompt direct correction, and clear applications of expectation and consequence.

06/10/21

When he felt bombarded, my dad sometimes referred to being unable to see 'the wood for the trees' - endless lists of many single demands clouding sight of the bigger picture. I know what he means - I'm guessing we all do at times - especially as the first weeks of term start to become the months, patterns and character of another school year. As the to-do list grows, it can be harder to keep sight of each other as people who matter. The biggest picture of all.

To mix the woods metaphor slightly, in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey imagines seeing a lumberjack hard at work, constantly sawing down trees to keep up with relentless demand on his business. As time passes, the work becomes taxing, slower to finish, and ever more stressful. The suggestion is made that the man might stop for a moment to 'sharpen the saw' - that this could have the effect of restoring energy while also increasing the effectiveness of the work itself. But the man feels unable to - saying he simply doesn't have time to sharpen the saw - there is too much to do.

I don't know what sharpening saws would mean for you, but I know that whenever I have turned inward, to-do lists are more taxing, more stressful. My bearings get confused and as my dad would say, I lose sight of the wood for the trees. Remembering to connect with the people around me, to see them as people who matter, to accept how I might have seen them as obstacles or vehicles or irrelevancies, restores more sharply a view of the biggest picture.

22/09/21

Considerable influence can be exerted by an inward mindset, and changes definitely 'get done' - yet the compounding costs are high and toxicity is never too far away. Connections fracture into cliques and silos. Even noble ethos and values eventually become subverted and weaponized. Everything suffers.

On the other hand, irrespective of where we stand within organisational infrastructure, we play powerful individual parts in creating the total sum of culture.

In staying committed to seeing others as people who matter, reminding ourselves to get genuinely curious before investing in combative collusion, we add to the momentum of collective outwardness. The payoffs include fortified wellbeing, increased resilience, and fulfilling team synergy. We find we are measuring success by how our personal collusion-free efforts are enabling others to genuinely succeed. We see and decline the price of blame.

Day by day, moment by moment, each of us is an essential *I* in collective cultural mindset shift - whether acknowledging red flags, honouring our sense of how we can treat each other as people, staying accountable for the impact we have, and remaining grounded in seeing the reality of each others' humanity.

Seth

8/09/21

I imagine we may have had a raft of differing (or maybe fairly similar!) experiences over the summer weeks. For a few reasons, I needed every last ounce of the break to finally find the freshness that--in past years--had returned by about the end of the third week. It troubled me, to be honest, but the only thing I could think to do was to keep on trusting that rest was the right thing to do. But I don't think I was the funnest person to be around!

By the end of the fourth week - totally unexpectedly while bodyboarding off the North Aberdeenshire coast I suddenly had this moment of feeling alive and connected again. (Yes, you read that right: the weather was good, the sea not too icy, and I was actually occasionally catching waves perfectly.) My wife laughs when I talk about it - she'd been the one dealing with my lack of sociability - and questions if maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis!

Truth be told, I owe my family: they organised and encouraged the activity, and were patient with my reclusiveness. This moment in the ocean - a gift from others who kept sight of me as a person - helped me feel renewed and ready to reconnect with principles of and questions about the outward mindset:

What is my sense of others' needs?>Which of these can I reasonably attend to now/later?>Am I aware of my personal red flags?>To which inward mindset style do I most often default?>How do others experience me when I am seeing in this way?>How can genuine curiosity help change my way of seeing?

My takeaway? Though not dependent on it, our capacity to turn outward is often aided and increased by the kindness of others. To whom can we pay that gift forward to this week?

Seth

7/07/21

As the school year finally winds down, and many - if not all of us - look hopefully and gratefully at the prospect of a summer rest, I want to pause and take a moment to think on the renewing experience of gratitude itself. Gratitude - especially when named, detailed, and pondered on - seems so often able to invite us to see beyond ourselves and connect with the people around us.

So . . .

How many things, large or small, might we feel grateful for? How long might we spend thinking on and noticing these things? How might we express our thanks? Who might be lifted by an expression of specific thanks? What is the link between gratitude and patience? How might it link with resilience?

This great blog post, Gratitude: Ego's Antidote, shows how expressing thanks helps us turn outward, even in difficult circumstances.

On a personal note, thank you for letting me share these outward mindset ideas with you. It has been healing and life-altering for me to do so.

Have a wonderful summer.

Seth

23/06/21

Monkey traps can be simple but devastatingly effective. And they work on the principle of resistance to a simple, yet obvious move.

The traps work by tempting the monkey to put its hand into a coconut or bottle containing a loose piece of food, through an opening big enough for its open hand but too small for the clenched fist to withdraw while still holding the food. Trappers know that monkeys will remain caught in the trap because they essentially resist the obvious solution; in Arbinger-speak, to realise how they are part of the problem, let go and think about the situation another way.

Isn't this so often the way for us with conflict?

We get stuck - and then insist on solving issues without first figuratively (and maybe sometimes literally!) unclenching our fist, refusing to let go of our inward mindset approach. Letting go, for us, is that moment of seeing and accepting that we ourselves are indeed part of the problem.

In honestly seeing and accepting how we have been resisting others - whether blaming, using, or neglecting them - we instinctively shift mindset, become different, and, in doing so (counter to what we imagine when in a state of inwardness) also become a little more free.

Seth

9/06/21

I feel very lucky to facilitate for Arbinger.

Having now shared the ideas with many, many people, I have come to see again and again how alike we are, despite the different contexts we come from, despite the different images and personas we project.

And in my experience of sharing these ideas, two things seem to hold consistently true:

• 1. Persisting in challenges and tasks with an inward mindset is simply a false economy. An inward mindset costs me far more than I gain from it - in relationships, personal wellness, and missed opportunities and success with others.

• 2. Which means an outward mindset is not just better, it is the best response to conflict. Turning outward is not just the right thing to do, it is the most logical, efficient, effective, peace-inviting thing to do.

Happily - and tellingly - honestly seeing and owning my inwardness is the beginning, soul and essence of recovery, personally and organisationally.

What do you think?

Seth

26/05/21

Arbinger would disagree that 'People are an organization's most important resource.' They would suggest instead that 'The way people see each other is an organization's most important resource.'

How are we seeing each other? How can we tell? How will this way of seeing impact the quality of our relationships?

I had a moment of realisation the other week. We can't escape the fact that we influence each other. We are always in relation with others.

We don't so much use the levels of the influence pyramid as we are always living within it - either operating the various levels on the foundation of an inward mindset (in which case we easily objectify others and our interactions tend towards the hollow, manipulative, and collusion-inviting) or on the foundation of an outward mindset (in which case we become willing to consider how we may need to adjust our behaviour to better connect with and help others).

As we become aware of self-deception and more open to the possibility that we may be the problem in our conflicts, we change - emotionally as well as mentally. As our mindset changes, we begin to see, feel and act differently. Our shifting may not mean that others change - and I have learned to be careful to notice when I am changing merely in hope of getting others to change - but turning outward may be the one essential thing we can do to maximise the chances of positive change in others.

On a related side note, Jo Schaeffer humorously shares her experience of discovering an inward mindset in 'Why I [Wish I Could] Hate Arbinger'!

A useful way to check ourselves is to keep taking this free Arbinger mindset assessment. If we've taken it previously, have our results changed? If not, what can we learn from this? How can we adjust? (Remember to scroll down when you land on the page!)

Seth

(P.S. I'd like to welcome trustees and governors into this email blog. And as the list of emails now looks set to continue to expand, it feels a little more appropriate to switch to a bcc.)

Thank you for all the supportive, kind and interesting comments and conversations that often arise!

12/05/21

It used to be believed Earth was the centre of the universe. Thanks to a mathematician called Ptolemy.

Then, in 1543 - think Henry VIII - a radical theory, put forward by East European astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus, changed the world's position.

With the Sun, not the Earth, at the centre.

To us, the idea that Earth orbits the Sun seems obvious. But Copernicus's ideas took almost 150 years to be more scientifically accepted.

Shifts in mindset take time. (I feel so inward some days, 150 years will be on the quicker side.)

Routinely thinking and adjusting to enable others' success, seeing how we impact those around us, accepting how we are often (at least part of) the problem in conflicts with others - and how we can alter our view of others, seeing how to help things go right individually and within teams - all takes time.

The Backward Bicycle is a fun and encouraging way to show how the brain can rewire itself with consistent daily practice.

28/04/21

What would it be like to work in a school where every person was invested in the success of every other person around them?

So how does self-deception hold us back? And at what cost?

If owning self-deception (the problem of not seeing how we might be a problem for others) is the first and essential step in helping things go right, continuing self-directed accountability is the way to sustain helpful change. But self-deception by definition is a blindsiding challenge, affecting us in ways we can find hard to see and hard to give up.

A brilliant (and swift) assessment for checking our mindset - individually and organisationally - can be taken here (just scroll down when you land on the page). The questions are thought provoking and a useful reality check, and the feedback is detailed, personalised, and prompt.

14/04/21

I didn't really want to write this week. To be honest, I didn't really want to come back to school - in a way I haven't felt before. Which troubled me. I enjoy my work and I enjoy our school. (Though I also value rest!) But, somehow, during the holiday, I felt blindsided by a strange unease about returning. So I spent time not thinking about it. (I often find adjusting to a first week back quite hard - and I notice the pandemic seems to have added to this.)

On Saturday, I finally pulled out a set of papers I'd been delaying marking and, surprisingly, after writing feedback for a few students, I began to feel more connected, and with this increased connectedness, more motivated and positive about the return. (I am still finding aspects of this first week hard, but . . . )

Connected. The degree to which I see others as threats, problems or obstacles or, conversely, as vehicles (and even allies) to my success, I disconnect. Motivation drops. My anxiety increases. Ironically, my self protecting way of being invites increased frequency and types of collusion.

What seems to have helped (honestly, by accident this time) was finally honouring what I sensed others (in this case, 9B1) needed of me. This time, for me, it was marking papers. (I am sure it won't be the thing I need to do every time!) Feeling reconnected might equally have come from taking time with family, or time to rest, or stopping to listen to a colleague; or simply being alert to the ways I might be making things harder for others, or ways I can make things a little easier. Or in being patient with the process of reconnecting in the first week back.

Seth

(P.S. Alec Grimsley, an MD at Arbinger UK, and I were interviewed on the Learning Dust podcast. It's fairly long, but it's possible to listen here.)

17/03/21

I was walking home, fighting the idea of self-deception. That I was creating these feelings of irritation and frustration seemed not just unfair but, in some cases, offensive. And yet I could also see that believing my emotional state was at the mercy of someone else's behavior made little sense - and believing it offered a pretty bleak vision for the future. Could troubled emotions actually contain clues to their own solution?

In conflict, self-deception often convinces us that we must not (and, sometimes, cannot) change. While we cannot change every circumstance, Arbinger's research shows how we can adjust our perception. And this can change us. But (I don't know about you) it's not easy to acknowledge my part in collusion. There are plenty of days when I feel frustrated or grumpy, offended or impatient - and telling myself that such feelings are justifications of self-betrayal or of a particular inward mindset style can have the same effect as waving a matador's red flag. I fight it.

But I have also learned red flags are not the enemy; they are friends who offer diagnostic ways back into connectedness and peace:

Red Flag/s?>Which one/s?>Indicates which particular inward mindset style?>Better Than?I Deserve?Worse Than?Need to Be Seen As?>Which behaviour/s characterise this particular inward mindset style?>How might others experience me when I think and act this way?>Considering impact, what is my sense of how I can think about this/do this differently?

Who do we see today as an obstacle, vehicle or irrelevance to us? How can we tell? Which type of red flag do we experience when we're with them?

3/03/21

As I thought about what to write this week, I was mindful it has been over two months since many of us spoke face to face, and it is near impossible to know how each other is. I do not know whether you have been well or unwell, or feel excitement or dread about the return to a more 'normal' school life in the coming days. I am always hoping that an Arbinger email adds strength and capacity but mindful of how easy it is to miss the mark and unwittingly add pressure that works against what you most need.

To Become a High Performer, Say No sounds like yet another demand - but hopefully can be empowering. (How does inward mindset distort the idea of what it means to say yes? How might an outward mindset sometimes be manifest in saying no?)

Above all: how are you? (This links to the article 'The Surprising Power of Simply Asking Coworkers How They're Doing'). Finally, the Arbinger Blogs or this Arbinger YouTube collection may have something more relevant to your own circumstances.

However you feel, I'm sure we all hope the weeks ahead include collective strength through renewed connectedness. Connected is what outward ultimately means and enables.

10/02/21

'I shared all the horrible things I’d done to her—how I’d blocked her progress, made her job more difficult, talked badly about her to others.'

This week, I wanted to share a selection of stories. The paradox of peace is that we are at our most truly influential when we allow others' humanity and needs to influence us first. 'The more we try to change others, the more resistance we invite. But the more we allow others to influence us, the more we influence them.'

Me? or Us? 'A part of you is going to die. Which will it be?' An experience from founder Terry Warner.

27/01/21

Why (and how) is the Influence Pyramid so significant? How (and why) does it work? What does its success depend on, and where does the key to its power really lie?

Whether we're stuck in a new or age-old conflict, it helps to ask where we are operating on this pyramid. If the level we are trying to work at isn't working, Arbinger's invitation is to go lower down the levels, ultimately to the level of mindset itself, the foundation of the pyramid. To the extent that we move through the cascading levels of correcting, teaching, listening and building relationships - without addressing the fundamental issue of how we see others, we remain inclined to treat others as objects: as vehicles, obstacles or irrelevancies. We can gauge where we are on the pyramid by the strength of our resistance to seeing others as people. Seeing outwardly means honestly considering how we may be at least a part of a problem: are we willing to accept our role in sustaining conflict, to give up our need for blame, defensiveness, escalation and accusation - our invitations to others to sustain and remain in collusion - and, essentially, to let go of our need for justification at any price?

Aiming to live with an outward mindset is a journey that can include setbacks, detours, roundabouts, and crashes along the way. While it invites increased personal peace, outward awareness, for me, has not meant securing utopia. But the Influence Pyramid has been a trusted map that shows a way to better see and connect with others.

An amazing application of the Influence Pyramid is shown in this short film about the work and life of Daryl Davies as he engages with the KKK. And, while it is a long read, A Blueprint for Outward Change (a response to the troubles in America last summer) shows how the Influence Pyramid can be applied in times of extreme stress and conflict.

13/01/21

Happy New Year, we trust.

When I was eight, I discovered Chariots of Fire. Its focus on Eric Liddell and Harold Abrams' devoted but difficult journey to gold medals at the 1924 Paris Olympics made a big impression. I have always been inspired by the portrayal of Liddell's response in a middle distance meet (adapted from a real event in 1923) in which he fell soon after the start but got back up, gritting his teeth and far behind the rest of the pack, dug deep, and managed against the odds to win his race.

Resilience: the ability to regain our shape and spring after setback. Experiencing an outward mindset doesn't guarantee that we'll never mistreat each other again, but it does enable us to account for and regulate the quality of our responsiveness. We're all battling adversity right now. Working remotely, splintered from support networks, is hard; complicated perhaps by added challenges at home. It's easy to feel isolated, to forget to see the humanity of those around us, to render others objects instead of multifaceted people; it's easy to feel less sure when we feel less connected. We begin to revive as we see we're not alone.

As Eric Liddell showed, accepting our moments of failure is not to remain stuck in them, it is to begin to feel freed of them. Thanking, encouraging, apologising, and focusing on simple things we can do to help things go right for others, are all powerful ways to get back up, a little wiser and a little stronger.

16/12/20

I've been very affected by a Brene Brown talk on the courage to be vulnerable. (Thank you. Jennifer, for curating it for the inset.) It made a huge impact on me. If you haven't yet watched the video, I highly recommend it. Some profound observations that resonate deeply with our shared intent to see and connect with others as people who matter like we matter, highlighting blocks that can get in the way of this, as well as insight into ways to increase resilience and even joy.

Given the inevitability of mistake-making in our imperfect interactions, it seems the greatest and most frequent manifestation of our courage to be vulnerable shows up in responses after failure: lucid moments in which we also glimpse--with some relief--that mistakes can be more like passing beats within a total experience, and not the final summative measure of who and what we are. Paraphrasing Brene Brown, to make a mistake is not to be a mistake. Inward mindset (a self deception, remember, that distorts our sense of worth) can also hold us hostage to the idea that fundamental change is impossible and therefore futile to attempt. In a sense, an outward mindset begins in the crucible of failure. Paradoxically, this is freeing. In such moments of piercing self awareness, we see and are lifted by others' incalculable worth, and guided, tempered, and lighted in response.

02/12/20

At times, in private--when we're locked in long term conflict--we may acknowledge we're stuck. We see we are resisting others and helping sustain the problem. This moment of self awareness and acceptance creates a real opportunity for meaningful change. Our mindset softens and opens enough that we see in a deeper, fuller way the other person as a person who matters, not merely as an adversary. We see how we have added to burdens by fixing on and magnifying their faults. It's not that there were no faults, nor that we are 'wrong' to see them per se--clearly, we all have faults that adversely impact each other. The problem has been that self-deception accentuated and distorted a selective focus. This reduced capacity to let go of the role we've played in 'horribilising'. We have needed our adversaries to be blameworthy in order to excuse and justify our mistreatment of them. But what if we're not sure how to approach relationships that have been challenging for years? How can we seek and invite change more safely?

Think of the influence pyramid's second lowest level. Lower even than the level of direct relationship building. When direct relationship building isn't working or feels unsafe, it may be helpful to rebuild instead by observing and humbly learning from those who have a positive connection with the person we are in conflict with. Think of the surprise we feel when a colleague sees a challenging pupil differently from the way we do. The same happens in terms of perceptions about colleagues. Shift begins with how we see. Seeing our adversary through the non-accusing eyes of another can help move us beyond the caricature we've constructed and see more helpful ways of being.

In conclusion, here's an Arbinger video that focuses on the influence's pyramid's pivotal concept 'Listen and Learn', using examples from both work and home.

27/11/20

Over the past year and a half, we have worked on being alert to the adverse impact of an inward mindset. I believe we have, at times, enjoyed the enhanced connection that flows as a result of seeing and responding to each other as people whose needs matter like our own. But backsliding happens.

I don't know about you, but it is easy to find myself asking (and resenting) the ever implied question: 'Am I being outward (or outward enough)?' But this question--and the troubled emotions that can come with it--suggests the question itself is subtle diversion, a red flag, however well meant, that focuses more on proving ourselves 'worthy'--even if only to self--than staying aware of and responsive to the humanity of others.

It may be more helpful then to forget the question of how outward we are or are not being and instead simply focus on and be curious about the people around us. Outward mindset is not a formula or tick list but a discipline and practice and we alone know our sense of what is right to do in a given moment. Perhaps a more helpful question is how meaningful a connection we feel as we interact. Which need have we sensed and how can we respond?

Caricatures or Character? Seeing Beyond Our Flaws Quick watch: Two Mindsets

And, lastly, click this link for an insight into the brand new on-demand and restoring outward mindset online (Coming soon.)

21/10/20

In March, due to lockdown, the second half of Arbinger training was suspended. In its place, we developed remote resources with the Arbinger at Witton website and podcast. But the truth is, the workshops, additional mindset tools and process to sustain the shift from personal awareness to practical systemic application was left unfinished, just half done.

So I am extremely happy to announce that the MAT is gaining access to Arbinger's brand new 'Outward Mindset Online'

Netflix quality film-making, hosted by managing partner Mitch Warner, the course has been recreated in response to the unique challenges of COVID. Using real people and real-life stories, this documentary approach to Arbinger's concepts and tools is a powerful chance to recharge awareness and to reboot personal and shared capacity at this time of strain. Over the summer, Arbinger invited me to audit the course. It's great. For me, being able to engage digitally--on demand--was exactly what I needed!

07/10/20

Going to make an exception to rule of the 7-10 line email. Hope that's okay. Usual service will resume in a fortnight.

I don't know about you, but to me working life under COVID feels different. Harder. ​Yes - we can be positive, grateful and resilient. And in contrast to so many we are incredibly fortunate. Focusing on such things makes a meaningful difference to well-being. But working in a school under the constraints of COVID is not a walk in the park. It's so easy to turn inward.

Challenging circumstances and the impulse for survival may mean we often feel pressure to turn more deeply inward. Think of the different inward mindset styles: 'Better Than; I Deserve; Worse Than; Need to Be Seen As.' How many might we spot in ourselves if we took an inventory of how we've felt in the past few weeks? I've struggled with all of them (and more intensely). The signals show up in the impulse to blame, to justify myself to myself and to others, and in passive and active escalation of these inclinations.

But we know the costs and collateral damage of continuing like this quickly add up, draining us of calm, clarity, peace of mind and collective power. And that result is one we also know we do not want. Honest self-awareness of the trap of self-deception is a tried and trusted pathway out, a renewing alternative to the expensive tailspins of Malcolm in the Middle style car park collusion.

So if a shift from inward to outward mindset begins with honest self-awareness, questions might help us see and feel differently. For example: 'Who have I seen and treated as a threat or problem?' 'Am I contributing to or sustaining a conflict?' 'How might this have made things harder?' 'Have I blamed (silently or vocally) or gone to lengths to justify my 'horribilisation' of another person?' 'Am I seeing others merely as vehicles to get my needs met, my goals achieved?' 'Who have I ignored because--frankly--they just aren't relevant to my goals at the moment?' 'Have I overlooked a chance to thank, to apologise, to set a misunderstanding straight?' 'Am I seeing people or objects?' 'If I sensed another person's need, how did I respond? 'Have I said yes when it might have been right to say no?' 'How are others experiencing me when I am in my various inward mindset styles?'

Colleagues, parents, pupils, and families are each doing and being remarkable things in remarkable times. And one way to help things go right, more fully towards that shared sense of outward collective mindset is to consciously look out for the remarkable things being done: to see them, note them, mention them, thank, compliment, build. Where harder conversations need to be had - with pupils, each other, or even with ourselves - keeping sight of people who can and who are also doing remarkable things in remarkable times helps direct us away from the car crashes of collusion and back into the exhilarating experience of creative, accelerated collaboration.

During lock-down (and at the risk of mixing metaphors) I read that we are not all in the same boat. We may be on the same great ocean - but we're each in different boats. And keeping this in mind can help us see more clearly the way to respond, moment by moment, to the challenges, needs, and incredible things being done every single day. And then, with this clearer sight of others, we may see the next outward step in how we can continue to help things go a little more right.

Whose need or strength can we sense and respond to today?

23/09/20

As we navigate current challenges, we welcome and thrive on validating shared solutions. Outward mindset is not simply about thinking differently and solving conflict--as powerful and useful as that is. Seeing others as people whose needs and hopes are as real and significant as our own, also means we honour our increased intention and sustained resilience for far reaching collaborative creativity.

'Every truly creative innovation that has staying power and profound impact is a response to the deeply understood needs and challenges of human beings.' (From 'Unleashing Ego-Free Creativity', Mitch Warner, Managing Partner, The Arbinger Institute.)

I recommend this short extract (6:24 mins) of a talk Mitch Warner gave at Cannes Lions about unlocking creativity in teams through the commitment to see others as people first.

Which creative solution to a current challenge might be an outward mind-shift away?

09/09/20

So--finally--here we are. Back in the building and working somewhere nearer 'normal'. There's likely a dynamic range of thoughts, emotions, and experience of mindset moving along its inward-outward continuum. With that continuum in mind, here's a short recap on the basics of Arbinger's principles.

Also worth a watch is this short TED-Ed video on the 'ladder of inference' (5.32 mins).

How might reflecting on this ladder of inference help us shift away from the challenges of collusion?

Incidentally, SSAT Leading Edge were very interested in our experiences with outward mindset and published a short case history in their most recent journal. If you'd like to read it or share it, let me know and I'll share the PDF they sent me.

8/07/20

I don't know how you are feeling right now, but you may be ready for a break, a chance to refresh or you may be deeply aware of many things still to be done and of questions that cannot quite be answered. Whatever the state of play for you, thank you for your support. I hope the final 2019/2020 episode of Witton's Arbinger Podcast will be uplifting.

Episode 10 is a conversation with Gill Campbell of Arbinger UK, a specialist in leadership coaching and training for outward mindset. She shares ideas and observations about mindset within these​ unique pandemic affected circumstances. Her message is hopeful and validating and I hope it gives you a lift. It would be great to get your thoughts after you've listened. Have a great summer when it comes.

24/06/20

As we transition to the new phase of blended working, red flags are likely to be a lot more noticeable. But remembering that mindset is fluid and moves along a continuum, we can use our awareness as response and as a way to reset. Recognition means seeing red flags as useful signals of which style of inward we have gone into. Thinking about how others may be experiencing us when we are being this way tends to trigger awareness of how to adjust our outlook. Here's a simple process I've found helpful when I become inward:

Red Flag/s?>Which one/s?>Indicates which particular inward mindset style?>Better Than/I Deserve/Worse Than/Need to Be Seen As?>Which behaviour/s characterise this particular inward mindset style?>Q:How might others experience me when I think and act this way?>Considering impact, what is my sense of how I can think about this/do things differently?

Podcast Episode 9: Collusion, Collaboration, Red Flags with Jo Colling and Laura Elliott (37 mins)

'Mindset is a Practice, Not a Destination' and/or The "Red Flags" of an Inward Mindset (3-5 minute reads)

10/06/20

An increased experience with red flags over the past couple of weeks tells me I have made choices that betrayed my deepest sense of how to be and respond in the face of others' needs.

I remember watching a US Ranger talk after a gruelling never ending training task about how every recruit will break eventually; and that this was the point of the exercise - to assess what choice was made after that happened. Falling short, having struggles are inevitable - it's about how we respond afterwards that matters.

I've had a couple of tough weeks (and that's okay.) Taking the chance to reflect though, I know it would have been wise to avoid some things I have done and done some things I have avoided. When I am honest with myself, my deepest sense of what others needed--in what I could have done and what I could have held back from doing--were clear at the time (and immediately after). But in some cases, I ignored and betrayed that sense and doubled down on justification.

Red flags are simply helpful signals then that we have become channelled into a cycle of self-justification. In the moment of being willing to see how we are resisting the possibility of being an active part of a problem, a starting point in recovery from its adverse effects begins.

As the Ranger said, all of us have limits; one result will be adverse impact on others at some point - no matter how hard we try. There is no monopoly on vulnerability, mistake making or falling short.

So what is to be done as we realise how we may have added to others' challenges? If self-deception is the problem, self-awareness seems to begin the solution.

We have seen the way out of self-deception is a personal journey. But for all of us it involves a willingness to see our impact on others and to own the choices we make along the way. I have learned that if awareness is the start of change, sustaining an outward mindset is sustained by imagining how the particular nature of our inward style (better than, more deserving; worse than; must be seen as) might place specific types of burden on others.

This imagining can help us reject our more toxic self-focused behaviour and see more clearly how to respond to others' needs, strengths and challenges that we may have consequently added to. I hope this helps.

For further thoughts, you could read:

To Become a High Performer, Say No

https://arbingerinstitute.com/Blog/To_Become_a_High-Performer,_Say_%E2%80%9CNo%E2%80%9D

Red Flags of an Inward Mindset

https://arbingerinstitute.com/BlogDetail?id=51

Mindset is a Practice, Not a Destination:

https://arbingerinstitute.com/BlogDetail?id=5

20/05/20

Thank you for an already brilliant response to the survey request. The accumulating feedback is building a really helpful picture of the impact outward mindset is having, and equally--perhaps more importantly--identifying some​​meaningful ways to adjust. Every response is valuable, helping to shape the ongoing application of the material.

If you have already responded, thank you! (I hope you'll see aspects of the feedback reflected in this email). If you haven't yet been able to respond, I'd be really grateful to hear your thoughts. I'm conscious of the many different situations everyone has right now and have tried to design the questions so they need only a few minutes to complete.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1OdoidYrnCcyTkesoZ6SAcExu13ZPZP9RYTfqBhd9RlA/edit

​​Seth

For episode seven of Witton's Arbinger Podcast:

https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/listen

Episodes coming soon include:

- Maths' team leadership Anna Holden, Medhi Aftab and Sadia Khan;

- History colleagues Laura Elliot and Joanne Colling

- Arbinger UK's Gillian Campbell (with whom I shall discuss Mindset at Home.)

Other Resources:

https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/read (archived emails and article links)

https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/watch (collection of Arbinger-influenced video)

​https://arbinger.com/Blog/THE_FIVE_PILLARS_OF_FOCUS_cln_Insights_from_a_Navy_SEAL (Like it says on the tin!)

Question: When we notice one of our red flags, what tends to be the best next step (and why)?

20/05/20

But first a question. Why is impact a more useful thing to measure than output?

​To focus on output - the tasks we've completed (or not) the hours invested, the classes taught and the meetings attended - is an understandable and logical measure we all use when reflecting on the value of what we've done. We're paid and accountable for these things after all, so why wouldn't we focus on them?

When we pause to reflect, we know output is only half the story. What is the nature of our output's impact? We work in education - we want to make a difference. We are constantly impacting the lives and futures of the communities we serve. So taking stock of how we see others and holding ourselves accountable for the impact this has is an important way to work outwardly.

I was impressed by an idea shared by Mitch Warner, son of the philosopher behind Arbinger's inception in the 1970s, during a keynote speech to health care workers when he reflected on what it meant to plan our work from an outward point of view:

'With an outward mindset,' he said, 'I don't start . . . with what I do; I start with the people [who] are impacted by what I do. Who are they? Who . . . in each direction of my work . . . what are they trying to accomplish? I have to see others as people first - and strive to understand their needs and objectives and challenges. Once I've done that, now I'm prepared to think about what I might do. But it starts again with how I see . . . Once I see people as people, I'm alive to their needs and challenges and objectives.' (Keynote speech, published July, 2018: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNDzzrksYj8 - I highly recommend the story he shares later to illustrate this idea.)

Another simple but powerful example, this time set in someone's home, also illustrates the difference:

​​​​​​https://arbingerinstitute.com/Blog/The_Difference_Output_vs_Impact_Can_Have_on_Our_Relationships​

To listen to some of our own talking about their effort to make a difference and which parts of the Arbinger training they have found especially useful in their work with pupils in difficulty, click here to listen to Emma Shand and Luke Coxhill:

https://sites​.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/listen (scroll down to find episode 6. Please leave us a comment to tell us your thoughts after you've listened. Many thanks for the comments submitted already.)

Have a look to see what staff have been saying, by clicking here: https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/feedback​

And, finally, for the link to Spotify, organised again by Zaitoon, click here:

https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/home (Scroll down to the bottom of the page).

Episode 7 with Phil, Gav and Vicky will follow soon.

Have a good week and a happy half term break when it comes,

Seth

P.S. In case you wanted to check back on previous email topics click here:

https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/read

And for a library of mindset-focused videos:

https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/watch

13/05/20

Click here for Episode 5 with Jennifer Robinson and Emma Davis:

https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/listen (When you've listened, could you leave us a comment?)

This week, I want to celebrate two colleagues who exemplify this video's call to be outward:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQLjrzaOhfk (1.28)

On Tuesday afternoon, I met with Emma Shand and Luke Coxhill to talk about their work in alternative provision. (Look out for them in an forthcoming podcast). It was humbling and motivating to hear the obvious care and advocacy they felt for the children they've worked with this past year, and their continuing commitment to see pupils as people in spite of the challenging behaviour. It was clear their work pushes them to their​ emotional limits, yet inspiring to hear them talk with such warmth and understanding in spite of that fact. I wanted to understand how they do this.

They clearly understood their pupils as complex individuals with strengths, qualities, personality, weaknesses, and challenges. In other words, they revealed (as Arbinger would put it) they choose to 'see beyond themselves' to see the real person in front of them. Their example resonates with C. Terry Warner's observation: 'When someone we have been blaming becomes real to us, we change. We become a person who sees another person as real. We change from being accusing, guarded, and self-absorbed to being open, self-forgetful, and welcoming.'

To listen to Witton's Arbinger Podcast, click here: https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/listen

06/05/20

Today, a menu. One of the challenges remote working creates (at least for me) is the challenge of staying oriented to others. School is so much about constant conversation - spoken and unspoken - that without the chance to check and balance ideas, trains of thought, assumptions and so forth, it can be hard to know if one is still being useful! So here are a number of resources and ideas that you may wish to choose from:

Option 1: On being useful, I have been asked for a refresher summary of Arbinger's concepts. (It's not official Arbinger literature, but I have done my best to recap the main ideas and think it more or less covers much of what we learned in the first workshop.) To read it, click here:

https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbingeratwittonpark/home

Option 2: As much as I love the privilege of leading on Arbinger's work and having discussions with you about it, the real benefits come as each of us explore and experiment with what outward mindset means for us individually and professionally. What the future holds is anyone's guess but I imagine being committed to seeing others as people rather than vehicles, obstacles or irrelevancies is going to be even more important as we re-engage with those whose behaviour may reflect the impact of more trauma. Seeing beyond challenging behaviour is a theme Ian and I discussed this week - which you can listen to here:

https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/listen

Option 3: Later this week, you can listen to discussion with Emma Davis and Jennifer Robinson in which we talk about the surprising impact outward mindset had on them; and how it may now be more relevant than ever.

Option 4: Arbinger have been making much more of their work available to watch on YouTube. For anyone interested in a very recently posted keynote talk on developing outward leadership by SWAT man Chip Huth, you can listen here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x2-jxGvhog

Finally, I always love to hear from you. Please ask if you have questions, themes or angles we might include in upcoming podcasts and emails.

29/04/20

Two more podcasts, an invitation, and a useful mindset-oriented article on remote working.

First though: thank you to Steve, Dean, and Andy for their open and honest reflections about how the mindset material has influenced their outlooks. Listen to them here:

https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/listen

Secondly, I am currently planning and recording conversations with staff and would love to hear from you if you are interested in sharing your thoughts and experiences around outward mindset. Thank you to staff who have already expressed a willingness to take part. Just email with a yes by reply if you'd like to join the conversation.

​

* * *

Finally, Dean referred to the challenges of remote working during our conversation - as has Phil in his Screencastify clip - and I know that for each of us there will be positives and negatives to the way we are working at the moment. Being conscious of how we impact each other can be especially helpful in remote working - remembering the reality more than ever that we are people first, education staff second. Here's an interesting article Arbinger flagged in the last week or so that might also be helpful to us.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/hbsworkingknowledge/2020/04/27/the-new-rules-for-remote-work-pandemic-edition/#27721e3d27eb​

Let me know if you'd be interested in joining the Arbinger conversation.

22/04/20

I don't know how these past few weeks have been for you - good, I hope - but living under lock-down is sometimes a challenging experience. There are unexpected positives but sometimes I really miss the chance to connect, say hello, listen, talk and just generally be around people. To be part of a devoted vocational community. So I when I found this idea in a lesser known Arbinger book called The Choice in Teaching and Education ​I found it reassuring:

'To be human is to be in community with others.

Even when I am physically alone, for example, I am together with others---

The words I think with I learned from others.

The thoughts I think with those words usually involve others.

The feelings I feel with those thoughts depend on how I am being with others.'

I love that idea: to be human is to be in community with others, even when we are working remotely. So how I am with others is the kind of community I help to make, even - maybe especially - when we are socially distanced. Which brings me to Episode 1 of the Witton Park Arbinger Podcast.

Thank you to first 'guests' Zaitoon B and Malini C for helping kick these off. Hope you find it useful.

Listen here: https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/listen

1/04/20

Hello - a brief email this week, with a link to a fantastic Arbinger webinar.

Like you, I believe in making a difference to young lives. To see a young person's life bettered and a future changed is an amazing thing. But we live in challenging times. I wonder how things have been for you this past week or so? Working from home has some perks (like the easy commute, for example) but there are unique social expectations and it isn't always easy to feel we're making a deep difference, is it? And isolation poses particular challenges for teams trying to stay connected and effective as a group. So here's a resource to help . . .

Senior staff at Arbinger have facilitated a series of webinars in response to the challenges created by the COVID-19 pandemic. They matter because they show us ways to continue make a difference in spite of being remote. This webinar below is a chance to refresh and apply powerful practical principles we began to look at in the twilight sessions. It can help us in our desire to continue to have a positive impact on each other and our pupils while working at a distance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HVT4JM3tXI

25/03/20

I hope all is well. For many, if not all, I am sure it is and will be. But for some, this is a frightening, uncertain time.

As teachers our instinct is to protect and lead - we seek to assure, to make better, to guide and develop. We might smile wanly at this, knowing how we sometimes lose faith with such idealism, and how we tire and snap or wish to quit. And the truth is that we're all sometimes less than we could be. But we also know how to dig deep and have been inspired and changed time and again by the insights, kindness and compassion we witness in education. Teachers are no strangers to challenge. And yet, this COVID-19 pandemic is challenging us in ways we have never experienced before and in ways we hope we shall never be again.

This is a time of crisis. The Chinese characters for crisis, some have claimed, suggest both danger ​and opportunity. Whilst this translation may allegedly be mistaken, what is amazing to me is that in medieval England - a time that saw one of the world's most terrible pandemic crises - crisis meant 'the turning point of a disease.' https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/crisis.

We can't control every difficult event we go through, but Arbinger's research shows we can understand and thereby reduce the troubled perspectives and emotions we feel accompanying them. If crisis really is, as medieval England believed, 'the turning point of a disease' then we can double down by seeking and embracing the greater health benefits of outward thinking, increasing our ability to succeed together.

This is no time to be cute or glib about what is truly a clear and present danger to our families and our future. But now, in a time of national emergency, we feel the awareness and urgency of choosing mindset more than ever. Then as crisis forces upon us choices about how to respond, each one becomes a possible positive turning point inviting us to think about how we see ourselves, our colleagues, and our loved ones. Will we objectify or humanise each other?

We began outward mindset workshops by reflecting on the idea that the common belief that people are an organisation's most important resource is perhaps not what Arbinger would say; rather, that how we see each other is our most important resource. Whatever happens in the coming weeks and months (even years) we hope we shall have the sense to humanise more: to see each other, not as objects but people like ourselves with needs, challenges, and aspirations and then adjust to help each other transcend and master the difficulties that we will continue to face.

For archived video and thoughts: https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/home

And, finally, to repeat: I'd welcome the chance to have or continue one-to-one or team conversations about how we can apply outward mindset to this experience of remote working in a time of crisis. Thank you to those who have already responded.

Stay safe, keep in touch, and see you on the other side!

Seth

(P.S. - I find working remotely feels a bit like working blind - it's hard to see each others' needs. Here's an article​ to help: https://arbingerinstitute.com/Blog/Seeing_the_Invisible

And remember: Outward Mindset isn't about saying yes to everything. It also saying no more wisely - because no can mean the time and chance to say a wise yes to something else:

https://arbingerinstitute.com/Blog/To_Become_a_High-Performer,_Say_%E2%80%9CNo%E2%80%9D)

18/03/20

I think I'm too close to the Arbinger training to work out how well we're doing as a whole. Outward mindset should always be about us, our collective experience, our collective success. So . . .

Q: Will you nominate a colleague for an 'Outward Shout of the Week'? Something they've done that's made a difference, something we can think on, learn from and put into practice ourselves? Just drop me a name or a one word reference and I'll check in with you to find out more.

We'll know outward mindset's gaining traction when we routinely consider how we're impacting others. It may be that we adjust our goals and actions to include helping a colleague succeed, or to take time to apologise for a mistake, or to express timely thanks or ask for feedback on what we've done. Laura Elliott's observation recently in a team meeting that Arbinger is like Magenta - i.e. not a set of proscribed actions but more a set of principles we work out how to use for ourselves echoes this. Gaining an outward mindset is not about a one size formula.

We'll know success by the increased number of healthy, unifying conversations, by the increased impulse to build relationships, to understand needs, to give help, to generate solutions without blame, and in the capacity to own and​ correct our mistakes. On those last couple of indicators, I was really impressed this week by another colleague's choice to set up a session with a pupil to learn about how they, the adult, could have understood a challenging interaction between them any differently. It made me evaluate my own approach.

Beginning with the acceptance that self-deception and its complicating results: self-betrayal, inward style, and escalating collusion with others is a thing we all experience, self-awareness means the freedom to apply the influence pyramid and SAM in a truly helpful way, personalised way. Again, as Laura implied, outward mindset is not a formula.

The day two booklet tools are merely ways to channel these principles. Freed from the self-justifying impulses of an inward mindset we become more able to do the right thing in the right way at the right time for benefit of us collectively.

Like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzNADYs-wYI or this: https://hbr.org/2015/08/how-to-give-tough-feedback-that-helps-people-grow

11/03/20

First, thank you for last week's nominations for Outward Shout of the Week. Please keep them coming. I've emailed nominees to let them know the appreciation someone has for the outward way they go about their work. For further nominations, just email a name and if possible a brief explanation of how or why. Ideas you may have on how this can be developed are very welcome.

Medhi said to me earlier this week, outward mindset doesn't necessarily guarantee behaviour change in others but it definitely works because it helps him feel calmer in situations that could be more fraught.

This week, I'd be grateful for a summary sentence (or more if you feel inclined) like Medhi's, on how outward mindset has affected you at work. Is it helping you? If so, how has it been most helpful to you? I'd like to add these thoughts to a dedicated page on our 'Arbinger at Witton Park' website.

https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/home

26/02/20

I think I'm too close to the Arbinger training to work out how well we're doing as a whole. Outward mindset should always be about us, our collective experience, our collective success. So . . .

Q: Will you nominate a colleague for an 'Outward Shout of the Week'? Something they've done that's made a difference, something we can think on, learn from and put into practice ourselves? Just drop me a name or a one word reference and I'll check in with you to find out more.

We'll know outward mindset's gaining traction when we routinely consider how we're impacting others. It may be that we adjust our goals and actions to include helping a colleague succeed, or to take time to apologise for a mistake, or to express timely thanks or ask for feedback on what we've done. Laura Elliott's observation recently in a team meeting that Arbinger is like Magenta - i.e. not a set of proscribed actions but more a set of principles we work out how to use for ourselves echoes this. Gaining an outward mindset is not about a one size formula.

We'll know success by the increased number of healthy, unifying conversations, by the increased impulse to build relationships, to understand needs, to give help, to generate solutions without blame, and in the capacity to own and​ correct our mistakes. On those last couple of indicators, I was really impressed this week by another colleague's choice to set up a session with a pupil to learn about how they, the adult, could have understood a challenging interaction between them any differently. It made me evaluate my own approach.

Beginning with the acceptance that self-deception and its complicating results: self-betrayal, inward style, and escalating collusion with others is a thing we all experience, self-awareness means the freedom to apply the influence pyramid and SAM in a truly helpful way, personalised way. Again, as Laura implied, outward mindset is not a formula.

The day two booklet tools are merely ways to channel these principles. Freed from the self-justifying impulses of an inward mindset we become more able to do the right thing in the right way at the right time for benefit of us collectively.

Like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzNADYs-wYI or this: https://hbr.org/2015/08/how-to-give-tough-feedback-that-helps-people-grow

19/02/20

Huge thanks and kudos to Zaitoon Bukhari for her idea, edtech skills and drive to make this website available to everyone. I've definitely been the beneficiary of her outward mindset.

https://sites.google.com/wittonpark.org.uk/arbinger-at-witton-park/home

'Arbinger at Witton Park' is a website dedicated to helping us more fully understand and implement the outward mindset material collectively. It includes:

- a blog made from the weekly email,

- a YouTube channel with content that links back to the discussions and thoughts we've had,

- a Podcast which aims to create an audio platform for discussion of the materia,

- a feedback page where you can leave anonymous comments and evaluations of how we are doing so far

- and a plan to add a FAQ section where we can troubleshoot questions about applying the material.

On that . . .

Arbinger would like to hear about our experiences. (Thank you to Hannah, Justin, Jo, Catherine, Colum, Elaine, Vicky, Dean, Andy, Fin, and Lee for taking time to share recent insight and perspective.) Can anyone else share specific examples of:

1. How outward mindset has helped you with a challenging situation?

2. How outward mindset has helped/enhanced teamwork in your department?

How do we sustain a mindset shift until it becomes habitual practice?

We sense that collective success in working with an outward mindset across the school will have positive effects. But lasting success relies on shifting to a habit of seeing and treating others in ways that include collective needs and interest. To what extent are our choices aware and inclusive of the needs of colleagues? Paraphrasing one of Ian McNulty's favourite quotes, to what extent are we mindful of our own capacity to 'create the weather in our perception and treatment of each other?'

A thought: it can be so, so easy to slip into self-justification when we reflect this way. Helpful reflection is less about gathering evidence to prove how outward we are as it is about our willingness to consider and identify how others are being impacted by our work and ideas, how routinely we are considering and checking assumptions about each others' needs and how routinely we are adjusting our efforts in order that we might have eased to another person's challenge and helped them each meaningful goals.

Finally: two more video examples of how Outward Mindset helped an organisation in the missile/defence industry who were concerned that Arbinger was just a bit too 'soft, soft, soft . . . '

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFe9IA-VIcs (5:22 mins)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzNADYs-wYI (1:16 mins)

12/02/20

What are your thoughts on this clip? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwl24_IXtPk (1:46 mins)

​On Friday, I left work tired and disappointed with the way my final lesson panned. I'd tried hard to meet the needs of the class but ended up shouting at them for a long time. Frustrated, I went home and took my wife to the hospital for an appointment (she’s become disabled recently to the point that she qualifies for a blue badge – this is relevant for the next bit, and she has given permission for me to include it) and then straight onto a swimming lesson for my youngest child. We found one of two disabled bays and as I walked to the pool I saw someone parked in the other disabled bay, unloading children – all of them very able bodied – and not displaying a badge. I know disability can be invisible, but it was very clear to me that this was simply someone disregarding the needs of others. To be fair, the car park was full and it was probably the only space left.

Tired, and still in a bad mood, I wrestled with the immediate impulse to be very blunt - very 'honest' - and direct towards a man whose behaviour I saw as arrogant and ignorant. But I knew that if I spoke to him in that state of mind, I would be my own 'Malcolm in the Middle Car Park Scene' accusing him and treating him as my enemy before I understood fully. I had no idea what his needs and challenges were. I would not be offering helpful feedback and would merely be taking out my bad day on a stranger. I had a space for my wife; I was making self-important assumptions and did not know the full extent of the man’s own needs. As it turned out, he didn't even stay there very long. Perhaps he was in fact just doing his best and being as aware as he could in the circumstances.

Telling the truth with a defensive, accusing inward mindset can often end up meaning advantage-seeking, power struggles, getting even, or scoring points - with ourselves as much as with others. Outward thinking is to tell the truth because we care.

Success in outward mindset depends on sustained self-awareness. We have to be honest about our intentions, our failings, our limits, and our reasons for deciding as we do. We sometimes miss how we are being inward. We may be convinced we’re being outward. Getting this right as we ‘tell each other the truth’ is especially important. This is where the Day 2 tools can be helpful.

Have we mapped out a Start in the Right Way for a challenging situation yet? Have we scheduled a Meet to Learn with anyone? Have we reviewed the framework for Resolving a Collusion?

This self-diagnostic assessment also creates a detailed personalised summary and is a useful way to check our development.

https://arbinger.com/MindsetWeb.html

29/01/20

Always in community with others, we are also in constantly varying states of relation. Positive, negative, even apparently neutral relations--affected by how we see ourselves and how we see others.

Arbinger's research shows that we 'can discern others' needs and sense how we ought to treat them.' (Arbinger Principles: Paragraph 1, Workshop Workbook). But betraying our sense of what we can do/should not do to and for others creates a simultaneous need for justification--which can escalate quickly into amplifying (or minimising) our virtues and exaggerating others' villainy and threat.

Seeing the world from our self-justifying inward mindset, our outlooks and behaviours demand shareable proof of our 'being right'. Unconsciously, we seek/invite/provoke negative inward behaviour from others because we actually need them to fail or fulfil our views of them--and we need them to fail to help prove how right we are about how wronged we've been.

This is self-deception creating, escalating and perpetuating collusion. But it's a draining, false economy.

Inward mindset tends to encourage isolation, silos, cliques. Collusion is a connection too, of course, but a negative one, a cycle of blame and self-justification that saps our shared positive creative possibility. Accepting our part in collusion--even if only accepting the possibility of playing a part in it--helps to break the negativity and invites a renewed hopeful dynamic.

This is what we referred to in the training as making the first move. Making the first move means to begin considering and imagining others differently from how we have been to that point. Which means accepting the possibility of being mistaken in how we saw them--and thus responded to them--in the first place.

On the other hand, it is true that others may in fact be acting badly--and may continue to do so in spite of our being and seeing differently--but a genuinely outward mindset means we feel less threatened, less 'put out', more able to respond in a helpful, compassionate, meaningful way. We feel this because we have been freed of the distortions that previously demanded our own self-focused, self-advancing behaviour. Counter to the misleading intuition driven by inward-focused belief, an outward approach becomes a far better way to sustained success.

Two thoughts from Mike Merchant, a senior consultant at Arbinger and the Chairman of the ANASAZI Trust, an Arizona-based teen rehab centre. Focused on adult-children relationships but surely true between peers too:

'Parents: The More Connection, The Less Correction': https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siyIrJoMV_0

(3:28)

'A SURPRISING Way to Change Negative Behaviour': https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6gY0ZY35Hw (2:39)

Finally, an animation on the value of shifting mindset: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhU5JEd-XRo (1:02 mins)

Have a great week.

22/01/20

An ironic symptom of Imposter Syndrome, perfectionism manifests in many ways. I've wrestled with it for much of my life. You wouldn't know it looking at my desk - but it's not that kind of perfectionism. Whilst it can drive us to achieve, for me, the frenzied pursuit of unrealistic perfection has usually come at the cost of peace of mind and positive connection with others. And this eclipses the capacity to fully focus on the genuine needs and humanity of others.

Understanding perfectionism as a symptom and of inward mindset has helped me let go of it more often. (Think of how it tempts us to vaunt ourselves as better than, or more deserving, or--when it goes wrong--worse than others, or driving the all-consuming need to be seen as good enough--even if only to ourselves!)

C. Terry Warner, whose research led to the formation of the Arbinger Institute in the 1970s, once wrote:

'Some of us who are seeking to maintain ourselves in our new, more open way of being get tripped up by our anxiety to measure our progress . . .

Ask yourself, Who is the person I really need to be? A being who can come into existence only by determined, gritty effort? I think on reflection you will answer, No, the person I need to be is who I am already--or more accurately, who I will be if I cease trying to display myself as worthy and acceptable and thus make myself into a grotesque distortion of who I really am. If this is how you answer, you like many others intuitively agree that we become most ourselves, without distortion, when we relax our frantic effort to justify ourselves and allow ourselves to simply be still--which means, of course, renouncing the self-betraying way of life.' (Italics added.)

I sometimes ask myself if the effort to be outward is really worth it. But I also know the results of being stuck in toxic inward ways of thinking aren't the ones I want. Being stuck is a fatiguing cycle of justifying passive and active conflict with others and, in the case of perfectionism, with self. Giving up toxic inward feelings aligns us with our authentic natural capacity and revitalises energy and enthusiasm, connecting us with the humanity of others.

Watch how a community turned outward, looking beyond apparent imperfection and making a difference in the lives of ex-prisoners in Mobile, Alabama: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WupqFJozVec

15/01/20

On page 20, the workshop workbook lists self-focused/self-advancing behaviours we engage in when others are objects to us. Hard inward behaviours include manipulation, threat, blame, belittling etc. Soft inward behaviours could include trying to be liked, avoidance of conflict or giving minimal feedback.

The same section also lists hard and soft behaviour when we see others as people who matter like us: 'hard' would be setting high expectations, offering challenge and giving helpful correction; 'soft' could be showing appreciation, listening, acknowledging mistakes. My sense is that we are often engaging in the latter three - the softer style of being outward but that this could give the impression that Arbinger is just a bit sickly-sweet and overly tolerant.

So I am also mindful that it may be helpful to revisit the question of how 'hard' outward behaviour helps to raise standards, asks for more - yet promotes and maximises collaboration and commitment and excellence and fulfilment.

The simplest way to do this is to watch the story told by Arbinger consultant Dave Moss (found in the first three minutes of this Outward Mindset workshop clip) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8a9fL8Sucs

I hope you have felt the benefit of outward mindset. I hope the increased self-awareness and access to mindset change tools is helping, and has enabled or enhanced your experiences. Understanding and exploring the possibilities of outward mindset is a journey for all of us and there will be wobbles and setbacks along the way. Learning to see others means seeing others' needs, struggles, hopes, ambitions. When we succeed in this it invites and enables both soft and hard behaviour rooted in our desire and sense of how to help each other grow - as people - not as objects.

This habit of seeing and being creates a foundation for the compassion and enthusiasm we all need and hope for and thrive within and is a key to the kind of environment which legitimately asks each of us for more. Fuelled, underpinned and enabled by clear sight of each other as people who matter informs and guides our actions - whether 'soft' or 'hard'.

​Have a successful week.

08/01/20

We often have mixed feelings about coming back to work after a break, don't we? Often I fear I have forgotten how to teach. Sometimes, I find I'm right! And in this jumble of emotions I find it easy to forget to be outward with others, both at home and at work and end up focusing on myself more than I want to - and inviting less helpful outcomes.

Although I can't always take part, I get invited to participate in a monthly global Arbinger facilitator call. It's interesting to listen in and learn from others doing similar things to us here. This past Friday, the host asked us a question which I'd like to paraphrase and ask us:

'How might you describe to a colleague what it means to treat others with an Outward Mindset?'

We know mindset is a variable. We're not obliged to be outward - and it was said during the call that we're probably doing really well if we manage to be so 50% of the time - but often we hope to be because the collective results make more sense, the impact is more useful and it tends to promote productive collaboration and greater overall well-being.

Sometimes, it just takes a little thing to shift outward. My son (the one whose late night working patterns I have really struggled with for the last few years) wrote me a couple of really heartfelt notes at Christmas - they've softened my attitude and have improved our relationship massively and his gift has given me a different way to see him when I need to have difficult conversations with him.

During 2020, we'll be looking more at specific practical applications of the theory we've learned. One of the useful other things we'll get is a list of 52 simple prompts that might help us invite our outward way of being with others. Here's a brief selection that we might find helpful this week:

i). Do something helpful for your line manager that she/he doesn't expect and that your job doesn't require;

ii). Ask three colleagues for advice about something;

iii). Help one of your colleagues shine today.

I believe in our capacity to be the people we'd like to be. Wishing you success in your efforts this week, this month, this term as we adjust to being back - together.

On what mindset looks like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEsWXNsewHc

18/12/19

For too long, I had an attitude problem towards my brother-in-law.

I've always loved the creative arts. But I pretty much failed everything at school, other than scraping Cs in English and (with the benefit of resitting) a C in history. Happily, at the same time, I discovered a love for amateur theatre.

When I was twenty, my sister met a lad who was about my age and also interested in the creative arts. He was way more accomplished than me but we thought it would be good to collaborate. By the time I was in my mid-twenties, my sister and he had married. I'd invested myself in amateur acting, dabbled a bit in music, and begun to study creative writing. We'd succeeded in creating a small portfolio of productions and then, in 2002, my brother-in-law asked if I would join him in making an independent feature film--to help him develop the story and the characters.

I was excited and threw myself into the task but, honestly, I found it hard living in his shadow. He was charismatic and able to do so many different types of creative tasks. Without his skill and leadership, there was no way we could have produced a film. I tried to work harmoniously but frequently felt marginalised and resentful and would get precious about my ideas. I saw and treated him as a rival. My 'creative differences' were more often just an unspoken power struggle. I knew my attitude was damaging but I just couldn't get past it.

Truth is, I was stuck in a cycle of self-betrayal that had morphed into a habit of inward mindset. Looking back, I can see each of the inward mindset styles: sometimes I looked for evidence and allies to tell me my ideas were better than his, sometimes I just felt worse when it was clear he could do things so easily. Sometimes I thought I deserved more recognition and sometimes I really needed to be seen as more important than I thought he suggested I was.

Then, one day, I realised how self-concerned I had become--and how blind this had made me. I was indebted to him for helping me develop but self-concern made me unable to sincerely thank him for his help and sacrifices. He had spent countless hours and significant amounts of money to make our ideas a reality. I had invested and sacrificed too, but nowhere near his level. It humbled me and prompted a feeling of genuine gratitude.

I thanked him sincerely and as fully as I could, acknowledging how much his ability had helped me. It didn't matter if he did the same for me--the right thing was to give him the thanks he fully deserved. It was a powerful healing experience. Paradoxically, my insecurity faded, trust deepened and the quality of our collaboration and working relationship improved significantly.

Is there a relationship at home or at work that might be repaired or strengthened by our sincere and humble thanks? To whom are we indebted for their generosity and help? When was the last time we gave someone we might sometimes be in conflict with the gift of our full and genuine appreciation?

For further reading, see 'Gratitude: Ego's Antidote': https://arbingerinstitute.com/BlogDetail?id=132

On a personal note: thank you to all who have helped us grow through this Arbinger experience. You are many.

11/12/19

What does the word Arbinger actually mean? 'What's in a name . . . ?'

A derivation of the French word Harbinger - a forerunner of change - the word Arbinger invites us to see that what we have learned is not really a set of rules and techniques but the experience in us of (healing) change itself, a discovery made in the moment of seeing self and others differently and experiencing the readiness to respond in more helpful and genuine ways, free of toxic stress.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAH01mGbQfs (2:11 mins)

We see the value of being this way, but it's hard to keep it alive day to day. In the blink of an eye, and in spite of our best intention, we snap, we snipe, we blame, we undermine.

Arbinger calls this self-betrayal. That moment we sense the right thing to do for another person but don't do it. In doing this, we create the need to justify our action (or in-action). So we blame, label and 'horrobilise' others to cover our mistake. In short, we self-deceive.

The simplest way to put this problem right, to reset capacity (and damaged relationships) is to see and own the self-betrayal without excuse. Regardless of others' wrongs, we honestly reflect on and see how we might have added to the challenges others face. We open ourselves to how we might have mistreated them. And as we allow ourselves to see like this, something begins to change within us - we experience shift in paradigms and become receptive again, receptive and responsive to the needs of those around us; then keen, committed and able to make a truly positive impact. This, for me, is why Arbinger is so different.

04/12/19

During the early years of the Second World War, the RAF were outnumbered by the German Luftwaffe. But alongside the legendary bravery of the pilots, Fighter Command developed a vital skill: using radar. An amazing early warning system that maximised effective use of limited resources, radar allowed the RAF to 'see' more, distinguishing between zones of the country genuinely at risk and zones that were not. Through reading radar, airmen could be deployed when and to where it mattered most.

Like using radar, understanding our personal Red Flags also acts as an early warning system, enabling us to deploy - or redeploy - energy and focus where it matters most, diffusing the toxic stress of conflict and collusion that occurs within us and between us when we are blindsided by an inward mindset.

On Red Flags: https://arbingerinstitute.com/BlogDetail?id=51

Have a great, happy and outwardly enabled week

20/11/19

https://hbr.org/2019/02/the-surprising-power-of-simply-asking-coworkers-how-theyre-doing​

We're rarely in possession of all the facts. And it's easy to feel alone in spite of all the people around us.

When was the last time you really felt listened to? I mean really sincerely listened to - no strings attached, no advice imposed, no patronising - just really heard, really accepted and really seen as someone with genuine, if occasionally misunderstood, good intentions? How did you know that was happening?

And - thinking outwardly - when was the last time we did this for someone else? What was the impact?

Listening invites renewal, creative power. It fosters compassion in our curiosity about others' challenges; genuineness in our adjustments and offers of help and receptivity to whether our response is really what others need. Who might we be able to help this way this week?

13/11/19

Here's that Duel at the Mall clip again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mof8MZHFcD8 Fighting it out for the Last Word. Classic Red Flag.

Q: When does collusion begin? Consider how Lois carried her inward mindset styles (Better, Deserve, Worse, Need) into the car park argument - and how this, literally, drove her choices - seeing then treating the other woman in ways that provoked escalation at ever increasing cost to both of them. Getting the responses she needed in order to vindicate and justify her aggression and accusation. Blurring her culpability. The same is true of the other woman.

When we see with an inward mindset (however actively or passively) we tend to provoke resistance and hostility from each other. Even if we haven't started conflict, inward mindset means we lock into sustaining it. The good news is seeing our role in collusion empowers a transformation.

30/10/19

Thinking about Arbinger as a series of concepts more than suite of skills, the following seven questions might be useful in our intent to reduce the stress of difficult relationships and enhance productive, creative collaboration:

Question 1: Do I recognise any red flags in the nature of my response to challenges and opportunities today?

Question 2: ​Am I or might I be resisting the possibility of being at least a part of a problem faced today?

Question 3: Which of my actions or in-actions may be counteracting my deepest sense of what is right to do or not do for someone today?

Question 4: Which Inward Mindset style might I have brought to this situation/be seeing this situation through? Better Than? I Deserve? or Worse Than? Need to be Seen As?

Question 5: What action or in-action am I sensing I can do/not do to be more helpful in/to this situation?

Question 6: If I am sensing that I could be in collusion, where am I on the Influence Pyramid? Which level can I move to next? Which mindset is underpinning my choices?

Question 7: How can I use the S.A.M Outward Mindset Pattern to help things go right? How clearly am I seeing others' needs, challenges, goals, burdens? What adjustments can I make to be properly more helpful to them? (How) am I holding myself to account and measuring my impact on others?

And finally, a bonus question: if just one person turning outward can change the dynamic of a whole team, what would happen in and between our faculties if multiple people committed to 'making the most important move', turning outward regardless of what others chose to do?

16/10/19

Planning for the upcoming Outward Mindset INSET sessions, I made an Inward Mindset 101 schoolboy error. Distracted by a heightened focus on what would work best for me, I forgot and then resisted the idea that I might be adversely impacting colleagues' wider needs, goals and burdens. (Thank you to those who prompted me to see and amend the problem!)

So, what is self-deception (why does it matter and what happens next?)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbkhK5HK_j0 (3:40 mins)

Arbinger's research shows that self-deception is a problem at the root of all human conflict - from the micro to the macro; the individual to the international. Paradoxically, and happily, seeing our role in it invites simultaneous and often spontaneous desire to change which in turn invites greater peace of mind and enhanced capacity to collaborate with others in a useful, united way.

One quick further point:

Cf. Collusion and SAM.

It could be possible to read the first paragraph below as a lack of self-belief, of giving in, of apologizing needlessly, not being assertive enough, or of being a push over--which if it was would be just as much a collusion as would have been the refusal to adjust efforts and adapt. Think 'Worse Than/Need to Be Seen As' vs 'Better Than/I Deserve'

But think back to S.A.M - the Outward Mindset Pattern: See Others (needs, challenges etc) Adjust Efforts based on this seeing, Measure Impact

. . . what I've learned is that what matters is trying to maintain our integrity about our impact on others. As I have been checking the impact of the change, seeing the smiles and receiving the various words of thanks, I can report back that making adjustment was the right choice for the collective mission we share.

09/10/19

Thought for the week:

Mindset is not really about skill and technique. Arbinger shows how mindset is the foundation that makes us - the how we see self and others ​​beneath all we do. In fact, who we are is how we are with others.

This is why Jo Schaeffer hates Arbinger.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_C8vR4Uc_c&list=UUfvXQPeZ5urlW-q5T2KwXKQ&index=9&t=0s (approx 10 min.

The key to being more outward, the ability to sustain and be influenced by sight of others mattering like we matter, is being alert to and honest about how and when we slip into treating others as vehicles, obstacles or irrelevant to our success. Happily, the moment of seeing and owning this perspective is the moment the negative affect (and perhaps some of the negative results) of self-focus begin to make way.

02/10/19

'I'm trying to be Outward but it's not working . . . ', someone says. A look of disappointment and frustration flashes across their face.

I feel for them. I've asked questions about the value of Outward Mindset too. I mean, what's point of this stuff if it doesn't work, or if others don't live by it too - especially the ones we're trying to influence or the people we're affected by?

Isn't it okay to want someone else to change when we change ourselves too? If others don't stop being really Inward, what exactly is in it for us in sustaining an Outward mindset? What's in it for us in breaking the collusion cycle if others don't change too?

How might our fears about Outward Mindset not working - either on or in others or in us - be subtle red flags of collusion?

It's been said that it takes 10,000 hours to become world class at something and I've heard that 50 hours can be needed to embed CPD - what about this guy's thoughts on relearning to ride a bike? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFzDaBzBlL0​

27/09/19

In so many ways, Outward Mindset is a learned discipline which, like a commitment to engage in exercise at the Gym benefits from time invested in regular practice and can't really have any change power with just one day.

So it has been a while since the workshop and I wanted to ask you for reflections and perspectives on how we might be able to support and help each other refresh understanding of the the Self-Awareness and Mindset-change tools we worked through.

We are working at scheduling time for the Day 2 follow up which focuses on practical applications in various scenarios but it might really help each of us to share perspectives on how we've seen positive impact and success - or what we've learned from less initially positive experiences!

So: How have we tried to imagine/get curious about the needs, challenges, and objectives of the people we work with? What success with Outward Mindset have we observed in others recently?

Here's a great video called The Backward Bicycle. How does it relate to the challenge of learning new ways of being with others?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFzDaBzBlL0