Have you ever had a person in your life who was so important to you that you assumed they would be there forever, only to have them disappear without a proper goodbye? Growing up that person for me was my childhood best friend, whom I met one drizzling Kindergarten morning. Bundled up in a pink Disney Princess coat with the hood pulled tightly over her head, I had watched her walk with her shoulders hunched and head down to the seat across the aisle from mine every morning. Since the first day of school I was drawn to her because like me, she always sat alone on the bus. Additionally, she had a coat sporting my favorite color at the time and all my favorite Disney Princesses, adding to the list of reasons why I wanted to be her friend.
On this particular rainy day, while watching her trudge down the aisle once more, I made a split second decision and piped out the words, “Hey, do you want to sit with me?”
Almost immediately her head snapped up and I watched as her face lit up with delighted surprise. “Really? You want me to sit with you?”
And just like that, the seat across from us was abandoned for good, and I had made my first real friend without even knowing. The two of us became an inseparable pair, and we never went anywhere without the other. We had similar personalities and interests, and would spend most of our bus routes and playdates making up games for our stuffed animals or talking about our favorite books and tv shows.
Many of my memories from my childhood include the time I spent with her, such as the first few sleepovers we ever had, playing with our toys until we were scolded for being too loud, and then spending the remainder of the nights giggling under the covers and making up scary stories to freak each other out. We would plan where to meet up for lunch and recess during the school day, and then I would rush to the phone after school to call her and tell her all about my day. In the winter, the two of us went sledding and chased each other through the snow, and spent the summers exploring the woods by her house.
Growing up I really admired her, not only because she was adventurous and spoke her mind, the exact opposite of who I was, but also since she was a genuinely kind and empathetic person. Her boldness inspired me to step out of my comfort zone and try new things, while the warmth and kindness she showed to me and others helped me to become more empathetic myself. These qualities that I saw in her back then are ones that I either possess now or am still improving upon because I believe in their importance, all due to the impact she has had on me.
The older we became the stronger our friendship seemed, especially as other friends of mine came and went throughout childhood. Throughout our friendship she was a source of stability and someone who I could count on when life was hard, and as time went on it really seemed like we would be friends forever.
However, although our friendship remained strong throughout our childhood, since the beginning there were always some key problems that we never talked about.
For starters, my admiration for my friend growing up developed into jealousy as I got a bit older. In lower elementary school, due to my friend’s constant warmth and outgoing personality it was easy for her to make new friends, something that I struggled with growing up. As a new group of friends formed around her, I felt intimidated and left out. Now just one of many people in my friend’s social circle, I felt that I was competing with everyone else for her attention. Similarly to me, my friend also went through her fair share of friendships growing up, as she grew apart from and adapted to different social circles each school year depending on her classes. She seemed to lose and then regain interest in me depending on her new friends, and over the years I started to feel abandoned and left behind.
When we reached the eighth grade, my friend seemed to find a group that fit her, and she continued to hang out with them as we entered high school. She began to act less like the girl I met when we were kids, and seemed to shift into someone that was the complete opposite. The warmth and kindness that I had admired about her since we were kids seemed to evaporate, and she began to act cold and judgmental towards others. Even her lighthearted teasing and banter towards me became harsher, and at times just plain mean.
As this personality change continued, the admiration I’d had for her since childhood remained constant. I refused to believe that my friend had truly changed into this unrecognizable person. I clung desperately onto my past memories of her, believing that the same girl I had made friends with on that rainy Kindergarten morning was still inside of her. I tried my hardest to keep up with my friend and her new social group, even though I had little in common with them.
Towards the end of Freshman year, I got into a heated argument with a mutual friend of ours, unfairly forcing my childhood friend into a situation where she had to choose sides. Either the mutual friend, thus choosing the entire group, or me, her old friend of ten years. In the end, she chose her new friends over me, and although at the time I was shocked, looking back I have to admit that I should’ve seen it coming.
I can’t remember the last time I talked to her, or even know how she’s doing at all. I’ve lost complete contact with her, and the friendship we had that once seemed so concrete has crumbled to dust.
With the way that she had ended our friendship so swiftly, you would think that we had never met at all. Yet there are still pieces of her that she’s left scattered behind in my life. Her face pops up in old family albums every once in a while, smiling alongside me on Halloween, my birthday, and the last day of fifth grade. My half of an old friendship locket she gave me still sits crumpled at the bottom of my jewelry box, and her home phone number is still saved into my parent’s landline, where I could easily call her when I got home from school. Her favorite songs still pop up on shuffle in some of my playlists, and while cleaning the house I’ll sometimes find an old drawing of my favorite tv show characters she made for me.
By losing her, I lost one of the greatest friendships I ever had, perhaps even the best. Yet I still feel like in some ways I am better off without her. Since our falling out, I’ve opened myself up to new friendships and even formed a group of my own, one that makes me feel happy and secure. I feel that growing apart from her has also allowed me to become more confident in myself, no longer standing in her shadow. I’ve realized that you can’t put all of your hope into one specific person or friendship, and that when you begin to grow apart from others you can’t force things to stay the same as they once were.
I wouldn’t be the same person I am today if I’d never met my childhood friend, but now that we’ve reached a point in our lives where we’ve grown apart from one another, I don’t know if there is currently a place in my life for her. Sometimes life takes you down different paths from the people in your life but that’s okay, it just means you have to keep moving forward in order to meet the next few people that could potentially change your life.