Understanding Your PreTeen

Responding to Your PreTeen

When something goes wrong at school, children bring their feelings home. The way parents respond to those feelings can make the difference between a child who can deal with problems constructively and one who can't. When you were a kid, did you feel that your parents were too busy to listen to you? Did you swear that you'd never treat your kids like that? Good family communication starts with taking the time to listen.

UNSUPPORTIVE REACTIONS:

• Deny Feelings "You are getting worked up over nothing" "It's just those teenage hormones again"

This way of handling your child's emotions can make him/her feel worse. They may get the impression that you don't think his/her feelings are very important. It is likely to discourage and upset your child further.

• Philosophical Response "That's life. You can't win them all."

Generalizations won't help your child cope with their stress. This response can signal to your child that you do not really understand and are not able to help.

• Criticize and Advise "You really messed this up." "Next time make sure that you prepare for test day"

Criticizing and then following up with advice can alienate your child and leave him/her feeling judged. It will also discourage your child from being honest with you and block future communication.

• Over Questioning "Did you study?" "What notes did you take?" "Did you complete the chapter review?" "How many days and how long did you prepare?" "Did you ask for help?"

Bombarding your child with questions can make them feel defensive. When your child enters a defensive state, they are no longer problem solving. This line of questioning often results in students feeling unsupported.

• Assume Fault "I'm sure your teacher told you what to study" "You wouldn't be tested on something that your class did not cover."

When you assume your child is at fault, he/she will shut down or argue because they do not feel that you are willing to see their side. Although your child does need to accept responsibility, encourage them to first express how the problem came about.

SUPPORTIVE REACTIONS:

Parents who are good listeners have open communication with their children. Look at your child when they are speaking and give your full undivided attention, preoccupied parents will not be able to deescalate their children. You can show that you are interested by responding with a nod, a sound like hmm, a short statement "is that so?" or "alright". When your child can see that you are serious about tuning into their concern, they will be more likely to entrust your help.

Encourage your child to focus on the future after the problem has been clearly stated. Make sure that your child knows that his/her feelings are important. Acknowledge their feelings by naming them "you are feeling embarrassed" Resist the temptation to deny these feelings, minimize, or judge them. Doing so will close the door on future communication.

Your tone of voice, facial expression, posture, eye contact, and gestures have a large impact on how your child will learn to deal with his/her emotions. It is important that you stay calm, even if the information your child is describing upsets you. If your child is afraid to upset you, they will not feel confident in problem solving with you. You can send the message that you are interested and will take time to consider options for them to be successful. Parents who are emotional responders will not be able to think logically and rationally.

Sometimes your child will not be able to explain what is bothering him/her and make up excuses to avoid the problem. He/she may say that they don't feel well. Even if you can not get to the bottom of things, you can accept and acknowledge his/her feelings. Offer to help your child communicate their feelings with the school staff. "I know things are tough right now, would you like me to call the school nurse to check on you or write your teacher a note to let him/her know you are not feeling your best?"

Remember that accepting your child's feelings is not the same as accepting poor behaviors. Helping your child face their responsibilities and obligations during difficult days is essential to building their self confidence and emotional regulation. Avoidance of school, peers, and work is not a productive response to stress and will compound the child's emotional response. Check in with your child as often as you need to at school. Praise them and acknowledge the efforts they made to work through the tough days. Practicing these skills is an essential component to educational success.