Fake News!
The Ocean Is Draining
BY ISLA
Everyone is worried about the major cities around the world flooding due to climate change, but all of a sudden, more water doesn’t seem like a problem. Instead, experts are noticing dramatic drops in water levels around the world. A team of divers was sent under the ocean off the coast of Western Australia, where beachgoers at Bilbunya Beach have reported whirlpools several hundred meters off the beach. After several days of investigation below the reported sites of whirlpools, the divers discovered a large hole in the ocean floor, with water gushing into it. At a press conference, climate expert Dr. Susan Merrill explained that the receding water had been discovered to be going down the drain, the very large drain at the bottom of Australia’s ocean. It had previously been plugged by trash, but in recent efforts to clean up the ocean, the junk keeping the ocean full was taken out. Canada’s president recently said at a press conference that “our new reality is to chose between bad or worse”, accurately summarizing the situation: it is now up to world leaders to decide if we should plug the ocean and flood the world, or cause the end of humanity with a world-wide drought.
Bzzz… Have you heard The Buzz?
BY LUCY
Have you ever wondered why The Hive is called "The Hive"? A new secret was revealed when we asked a former journalist.
The Hive writes stories each week and suspiciously they are always good. So after this week's edition of the newspaper we looked a little closer. When you walk in the room where the journalism class is, you can hear a faint buzzz, but you wouldn't have expected that one of the walls this whole time has been a hive full of wasps. When we pulled back one of the posters with the loudest buzz we were shocked to find a whole hive that stretched on through the wall filled with wasps.
Now these wasps aren't just normal wasps no no no they are wasps that have a talent. These wasps were discovered to be helping the hive newspaper, they communicate through a poster where they tell the class what stories to make and who to interview, and ever wonder how they get all those stories edited by the end of the week let's just say they have help and even make spelling errors on purpose to throw us off. So have you heard the buzz.
Teachers are Student Energy Stealing Robots
BY ALYSSA
Teachers at SMSHUW have been hiding a dangerous secret. They are actually power eating, energy draining robots. Some teachers at this school have reported sleeping when no students were in the room. This only goes to prove the fact that without student child energy to feed off, their electronic brains shut down.
Many students find school boring and dull and tiring. Now they find out that teachers are stealing all their energy with a handy trick called a power vacuum. This vacuum works only when a teacher is in the middle of a group of students. All the better to drain you with, my dear. This power pull will leave students feeling forgetful and tired.
Sadly, the rate of misbehaving students goes up after these betrayals of teacher trust. Everyone knows that you become grumpy when extremely tired and exhausted. This causes students to act out, and get in trouble. Lunch detentions are enjoyable to the robots because they are equipped to better feed off of negative emotions, especially since there are so many more, or extremely high running positive emotions.
When these robots infiltrated the school, they participated in a series of trials and single combat fights to win the right to teach the best classes. Namely, Gym/Health, Spanish, and Science. All are classes in which energy and emotion levels are high.
So, Students, Beware of the energy eating teachers. Beware of the Robot Teachers.
Train Crash in Fairlee Vermont
BY HUGH
Horrid sights over Fairlee, VT, and Orford, NH, as smoke filled the air. Smoke came over and an explosion filled the valley.
At 11:19 pm on Sunday a freight train with oil tanker cars hit a small rockslide on the tracks. The train run by VRS ``Vermont Rail System” would hit the water next to the tracks and the land. Almost immediately fire would come out from the train engines and cars. Local resident Akuls Aisak, a 26 year old woman, said “All we saw was a roar and a bright flash then the screams of people trapped near the inferno.”
One of the many burned and injured Isaac Russel said, “It was terrifying. No one could get 911 on the line and the power went out since the train hit the Transformers and cell tower.”
Several more explosions would follow and the casualties are unknown. Governor Phill Scot will tour the damage on tomorrow Tuesday June 11th 2024. Non prophets will also give aid starting today. This situation is just developing.
Stay tuned for more information. Go to www.onion.com.gov for more information on this tragic news out of Fairlee Orford.
Project Isla Bot
BY KASIA
7th grade student Isla Segal has recently been discovered to be a…
Isla has been an astonishing student with perfect grades all year. I wonder why? And her handwriting! No no. The way she types… She seems connected somehow.
On a rainy Thursday afternoon, the middle school was going outside for Connections time. This has been a part of the schedule all year, yet Isla never seemed to want to go outside on the cold days. Most days, she never even came when it rained. Here in New England, the saying is, “If you don’t like the weather in New England, wait 5 minutes then decide.” Suspicions have been growing on her hidden identity ever since she desperately had a teacher open the door after the bright sunshine switched suddenly to a raging storm. She seemed a little off. Later that day, Isla rushed into the bathroom with a towel. After being gone for a few minutes, she stormed into the classroom with a little blue noodle hanging from her pocket.
Three days later it was discovered that she is a robot! No wonder she is such an amazing person. Dun dun dunnnnnn.
Lights On ... Lights Off!
BY WILLOW
Have you ever noticed that the main lights in Woodstock Middle School Classrooms are never on but the decorative lights and lamps are?
Well I took it into my responsibility to figure out why this is. First I went to Mrs. Hanrahan, the middle school journalism teacher. I asked her about why the main lights are never on, and she says, “I'm not allowed to talk about that.”
So I asked why the lamps and decorative lights were always on, and I got another blood-curdling, “All I can say is it's for your own good. no more questions.”
Charged?
BY NOAH
Nobody at Woodstock Union Middle School ever has charged computers. Why? Scientists have found out that teachers are giving students false computer chargers.
Instead of charging the computers, they take the energy right out of the computers. Why would they do this? So the teachers can look down on the students and blame them that their computers are not charged!
Some computer chargers are just plain old chargers while others take the energy out of the computers. One other type is a mobile battery pack. Bowie, an iguana who attends classes at WUMS, said the findings make sense. She quotes, “Cheese sandwich.”
Missing Link Between Humans and Narwhals Discovered
BY BOWIE
On Monday, January 32nd, 2099, in Ukelele Park University, Los Angeles, New York, students discovered a missing link between humans and narwhals. Two organisms that seem entirely unrelated have been discovered to have more in common than scientists originally thought.
“You see, narwhals and humans share a common ancestor that lived about three years ago. It shared traits that both modern humans and narwhals share today, like the ability to blink and to bend the space-time continuum,” Professor Skittles explained. He is a professor at Ukelele Park, and one of the lead researchers of Narwhalcology, the study of elephants.
“Humans simply think of narwhals of members of another species, even when we are so close genetically that we are practically one.”
When asked, most people responded in shock, “I thought that we were related to dinosaurs!” Orfan Gorful exclaimed. He is a nineteen year old who works at a Starbucks, “I’ll make sure everyone knows this for sure!”
In addition to the news about narwhals, scientists have uncovered secrets regarding the relationship between groundhogs and sea slugs. Professor Skittles works on uncovering these mysteries day and night, leaving us with the quote, “There always will be more to learn.”
Inspired by The Valley News front page images 3/21-3/26.
First Lady Swings Through
First Lady Mo Jiden stops in Norwich, Vermont, to check on the safety of a playground swing. "It's important that all swings are safe. In order to be a good first lady, I must look after the little ones," Jiden said. Immediately after inspecting the swing, she left to go back to Washington, DC.
Cheerleaders Cheer for Squirrel Who Runs Across Floor
States Attorney Demands a 30 Minute Recess and Juice Boxes, Arguing Harsh Working Conditions
Chef Messes Up Mayor's Meal, But He Likes It!
Math Tests Stolen from WUHSMS
BY DECLAN
On Thursday, September 32, a suspect by the name of Nalced Relliuohel stole every upcoming math test in every grade, 7-12.
Teachers are unable to re-make the tests, so every student gets an A. Nalced has fled to Woodstock, New York.
Police are working on chasing him down and finding him. Police and teachers may be mad but students are on the top of the world.
One kid by the name of Revilo Ttenneb had something he wanted to share, “I think that he was hired by someone, you know, like a student." Police made their way around the school searching for a suspect who may have hired him.
Police stumbled upon a student, 13, who had no idea what year it was, was sentenced to a mystery number of years in prison.
The police got too tired and gave up after 151 minutes. It didn't matter because just one day later, while riding a chameleon through the desert, Nalced was shot in the pinky toe by a one legged turkey, which turned out the bullet had a timer on it for 32 days which will mean that Nalced will be turned into 200 math tests and all students will retake the test.
The turkey remains unknown, but at least the tests are back. (Maybe)
Mr. McCormick Announces He's Retiring
BY YANNI
After 10 years of teaching at WUHSMS, Mr.McCormick is retiring. Mr.McCormick has been thinking about it for about three years since Covid-19 hit.
“After a while, I just couldn't stand being here anymore. I mean the students are ok and all but this school is just not right for me and it’s kinda weird having my wife as a fellow teacher,” He says.
We asked Chloe Costello what she felt about this turn of events and she said, “He was a great teacher and I hope he has a great retirement and by retiring it makes me 30 years older and I will go to his funeral when he dies.”
She started getting tears in her eyes so I walked away to go interview Brayden Gabriel who said, after I told him this new information.
“It’s my fault. Me and the rest of my class were not fun enough on Fun Friday.”
I told Brayden not to worry and that it is not his fault and told his football friend, Tigger, to tell me what he thought about this and he states, “This is a very depressing day and he was a great teacher and to have a bright side to the this sad event, he is better than Bob the Builder.”
Liam Crowl was just lost for words and he said, "He was the greatest teacher ever…”
Mr. Kent, being a fellow teacher, just said, “No comment.“ with a sympathetic face.
I felt really bad for all the students and teachers who really liked Mr. McCormick, and, being one of them, I understand. We will all miss Mr.McCormick and his sense of humor, jokes, his sweater vests and just everything about him.
Dogs Disrupt Halloween in Woodstock
BY WILLOW
The night of Halloween comes and kids fill the streets of Woodstock in extravagant costumes. People come out of their home with big bowls of candy to greet children walking by.
Many dogs watch from the windows longing to go outside, they too would like to greet the children.
One dog loving out of stater on vacation decides that it is cruel for the animals to be left all alone inside,
So while the kids gather candy and the adults stand around talking to old friends the visitor goes around opening all the doors of all the houses in Woodstock. Of course some of them did not have dogs waiting to greet the visitor but most of them did and soon enough the streets of Woodstock were filled with dogs.
Candy was scattered everywhere as the dogs jumped on people's legs wanting to see what they kept in their colorful baskets.
The pet owners ran around Woodstock gathering up all the dogs, and soon enough Woodstock was calm and peaceful again.
After the chaos that was Halloween we talked to Kasia Sluka one of the many trick or treaters that witnessed the dogs she said that “It was crazy there were these cute curious dogs everywhere but people were running I guess some people don’t like dogs that much.”
She also said “people started to drop their baskets and the dogs started to eat the candy then the owners finally got the dogs back into their homes.”
New Dinosaur Fossil Discovered in Antarctica
BY HUNTER
A new fossil named Velacirpectoralalicous Gyateretinasosini has been found in Antarctica. This dinosaur the scientists have discovered is a flying dinosaur made for cold climates. The size of the dinosaur's head was about 1242 feet long and 945 feet wide making the actual size a whopping 11,178 feet in size from head to toe. This dinosaur is the largest dinosaur known to humankind. Now to interview a scientist from right here in Vermont thinks of this amazing creature. Parastratiosphecio StratiosPHthyroides Brunetti says “I think it’s amazing that we've found this fossil and to run some more tests on this fossil to see how it flew and survived in Antarctica. This fossil will be hung in The Great Barring museum.” In conclusion I hope for us to see how much more there is to know about this fossil in the future.
Leaf Peeper in Woodstock Disrupts Soccer Match
BY KASIA
This fall, Woodstock has been more crowded than ever. People from all over are interested in the beautiful leaves of Woodstock Vermont, but have been causing many problems. One of which was disrupting a simple soccer game.
On October 23, 2023, a person traveling from Florida came to Woodstock to admire the beautiful scenery. They went about their day, minding their own business until they spotted a grade 5-6 soccer game at Vale Field. The team from Essex came to play against the Woodstock team after winning 3 games in a row. Woodstock was also on a winning streak until now. They were losing 7 to 2 and the leaf peeper was starting to get annoyed.
5th grader Lucy mentioned, “I heard yelling but I kept on playing.”
It turns out that the Floridian was not happy with the score. Saying that they wanted to be the ref. After a lot of fighting, the mean Floridian was now the referee. They clearly wanted Woodstock to win because they started to call everything out on Essex. Woodstock had a total of nine penalty shots and ended up winning 10 to 7.
The teams were not happy with the outcome of the game so they decided to have a re-match on Halloween wearing all costumes to celebrate the spooky season.
Man Found Dead in Sea
BY FARIS
In Cape Cod, Massachusetts, a man was found dead on a boat.
Jim Cent was fishing out his boat and recalled, ‘’the boat was rotten so I went in to see if anyone needed help but I ended up finding 2 rotten corpses and a man that looked like he was sleeping."
Poor Jim Cent who was just trying to catch some fish ended up carrying a dead man all the way to a hospital thinking he was alive.
Remembering the April 27, 1927 EF-5 Tornado
BY HUGH
Just 96 years ago a powerful EF-5 hit Woodstock and Barnard half of both towns were gone with 127 deaths and 500 Injuries.
Ted Fujita said it was some of the worst damage after he served Worcester and Great Barrington EF-5 and EF4 respectively.
Lienna Winch lived when it happened. She is now 102 and lives in Palm Coast Florida. Lienna said when she was just 6 she watched this dark ora reach down into the ground from her house in Woodstock.
As her mom Mary Winch and Father Hunter Winch both rushed down to the basement knowing what it was after living in Oklahoma for 20 years. Soon a rumble came in like a train, the sounds of her house going up with the wind soon stopped and silence filled the air.
As they got out rubble was all over the place their house was gone just a clean slab remembered Lienna as they saw a huge wall of black head north toward Barnard they would soon see the damage. Lienna still thinks What if she didn't get in the basement in time or if was 1 mile away.
After the event Lienna Mary and Hunter moved to Maine that may and live a long life. Mary died in 2001 at the age of 93 And hunter died in 2003 at 96. Lienna has 5 kids now and lives with her husband Oliver in Palm Coast Florida. Lienna said that day changed her forever and she will always remember it. Now dear viewer, take this on in your life as a reminder things can change fast and never go back.