Fake News!

Quarter 4 Fake News! June 6, 2025

Middle School Hallway to be Rented Out as Airbnb

BY CHARLIE

Recently, the school has been attempting to make plans to combat the planned budget cuts in the education department. They have recently proposed a new solution: renting out the middle school hallway to be used as an Airbnb, meaning that guests could pay to rent out the middle school hallway for a night or more.

This plan would go into effect over the summer and guests would likely continue to be able to rent rooms even into the next school year. This proposition was met immediately with approval from the school board. “We can make this happen easily,” said the superintendent.

Many people who are struggling with the housing shortage are looking to take up permanent residence already. “This is a perfect way to combat the [housing] shortage,” said Joe Cool, a chill dude struggling to find a home.

Thunder The Therapy Raccoon Moves In At WUHSMS

Following last week’s successful visit from Rain the therapy dog, counselors are welcoming a new permanent four-legged resident to our school: Thunder the therapy raccoon.

“Kids really responded positively to Rain, and we want to keep that going,” said Sarah Lyon, who noted that dozens of students had signed up to meet with the fluffy Bernese Mountain Dog. The school originally wanted to get a pet similar to Rain, but it turns out that therapy dogs are pricey.

“The puppy alone was going to cost hundreds of dollars, and that just wasn’t in the cards,” said Dr. C. That was when counselors turned their attention to Thunder, who had already been living in the boiler room at WUHSMS since at least February. Buildings and Grounds staff were grappling with how to get rid of the animal when the counselors offered to take Thunder off their hands. “We were in a position where we were going to have to call a professional exterminator, so this was really a win-win,” Dr. C said, noting that the raccoon is extremely wily.

Thunder was originally let loose in the counseling office, where she promptly shredded the couches and sent several students to the nurse's office – conveniently located right next door. She is now being housed in a cage in a dark closet, which Sarah Lyon said is “probably best for everyone.”

Students can email their counselor to make an appointment to visit with Thunder any day! A rabies shot will be administered on your way through the counseling lobby.

Mr. Kent Busted! Mr. Kent is Mr. Clean?!

BY JJ

Some people have suspected Mr Kent as being Mr Clean, but no one had proof. But recently, a student was watching Mr Clean ads, and came across a mind blowing discovery.

In the commercial, Mr “Clean” had his passport in his pocket. While he was sliding on the floor, his passport fell out of his pocket and onto the ground. The guy filming this world-changing film thought it would be funny to direct the camera at the passport, without knowing that the passport was on the identity page.

The filmsman posted it as a joke and the passport holder was recently discovered in Woodstock.

Mr Kent has admitted to his crimes when put under charges of losing his GoGuardian account. Many students are scarred for life, but some are taking this experience as an opportunity to get free cleaning tools.

We hope that Mr Kent will come out of hiding so we can say more about this matter.

You Don't Know The Real Beatrice

BY ISLA

Beatrice Ziobro has lots of secrets, but she’s been hiding something from us even greater than we could have imagined. She is actually a boy named Sebastian from England. Not only that, he’s from 1587!

In an exclusive interview with Sebastian, we learned all about how he ended up as “Beatrice Ziobro” in the 21st century. He describes a portal he found in the basement next to the potatoes. “Next thing I knew, I was falling down a chimney with potatoes. I hit the bottom of the fireplace, and the first thing I saw was a girl screaming “Santa Claus!!!””

Sebastian had fallen into the home of Beatrice Ziobro. He very quickly figured out that Beatrice Ziobro--the original one--was his long lost twin sister, Viola. He hadn’t seen her since they were five years old, when she had fallen down a well when they went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.

“We talked about how much she missed our parents and our how she missed the old times. Of course, she loves her adoptive family here in the 21st century, but it’s just not the same as our home, and our potatoes,” Sebastian tells the Hive. They quickly formed a plan to swap places, which they did a lot when they were little. Sebastian would cut his hair, get his ears pierced, and become “Beatrice Ziobro”, and Viola would return to the 1500s and see her family again, all as Sebastian. Then, Sebastian would go away to “ski school”, which is really a cover for him to return to his home. When he did, Viola would reveal herself and all would be well.

When asked why he chose now to reveal the plan, after months of hiding and pretending to be someone that his sister pretended to be, Sebastian explained “I just want to be honest in my final days here with everyone.”

Viola originally declined comment, but after several letters that were chucked through the fireplace portal, she sent back a package with several potatoes and a note:

I hope everyone is doing well and understands how complex time travel in hidden identities can be. Sebastian and I apologize for all the confusion. Have fun with all your 21st century problems!

There are No Wasps in Our Room

By Charlie

Though this has not gotten attention recently, I feel the need to formally say that there is not a school-spanning wasp hive with entrances behind Ms. Hamrahan’s room. I am not being told what to write by wasps. This information could not have ever been withheld from the school because the noise would be clear to be heard by students like Grace. Lucy, who wrote the very much fake news story about finding the disproved wasp nest, has been dealt with.

The End Is Near

BY JJ

A terrifying discovery was found out lately that a black hole is moving closer to Earth. Scientists think that it has to do with one reason. In North Korea, Kim Jong-Un was making a nuclear bomb to destroy the world. But in the bomb there was a material that he has refused to share that acted as a magnet and is pulling the black hole closer. Kim Jong-Un refused to destroy the bomb and save the people, because he already had an escape pod to send him to Mars. If you see a giant black thing in the sky, run away as fast as you can. Or don't. It doesn't matter because the END IS NEAR.

Isla's Triassic Roots Revealed!

BY BEATRICE

You think you may know Isla Segal, but you couldn’t be more mistaken. She is actually a Pesomastax from the Triassic period. When I asked her how she came to be here in Woodstock, Vermont the story was very perplexing.

She said, “So, there I was examining the bark on this carrot I was going to eat and then there was this portal that opened next to the watering hole. I waddled over to check it out and tried to sniff it, but the portal grabbed me by my left thumb toe and threw me into a lunch box in a flying submarine over the Atlantic Ocean. Somehow I was a human and at that point I only spoke Russian, and so I contacted Vladimir Putin who helped me translate the English flying directions. I flew the submarine to the middle of the Sahara desert where I crashed it to destroy the evidence right after ejecting. Then Vlad picked me up in his expensive helicopter and flew me to the town of Woodstock, Vermont. Woodstock was a secluded place where I would be safe. I changed my name to Wiedergutmachungsabkommen, which I later learned was only a Bavarian name and meant reparations agreement in German, so I changed it to Naomi, but I thought that it would be better to just be called Isla.”

At this point I burst out laughing, which according to her was extremely rude.

She later continued, “Then I met my family, and now we live on a hill, with grass, trees, and carrots. I still remain in close contact with Vlad and have kept my lunch box that I arrived in because I think it may be my way back, but I kinda don’t want to go back, so I just put food in it now.”

I told her that explained why she goes into the woods almost every day on a “bike ride” (she is a Russian spy, I presume) and why she has had the same lunch box since kindergarten. She was pretty mad about that accusation and left the room, ending the interview.

The weirdest part of this whole “thing” is that she actually knew Mrs. Fellows when she was a dinosaur. When I confronted Mrs. Fellows about this she was reluctant to admit that she is actually millions of years old. That does make sense because she seemed familiar, I think I knew her in the 1500s in the time of Shakespeare.

I asked her when her favorite time to be alive was, and she said, “It was ummm probably when I got to go to school with Laura Ingles Wilder on the prairie because I got to ride my horse to school every day.”

In conclusion, there are a lot of abnormalities and secrets lurking at WUMS. My story will be cut if I don’t end the segment here but trust me, THIS is NOT over.

Elon Musk Announces Plan to Colonize Mars with Giant Hamsters

BY JJ

In a weird conference held yesterday, Elon Musk revealed his latest project: a plan to colonize Mars using genetically engineered giant hamsters.

Elon Musk, the CEO of SpaceX, claimed that these oversized rodents would be the perfect companions for astronauts, providing friends and a sustainable food source. "These hamsters can grow to the size of a small dog and are incredibly resilient," Musk stated, holding up a plush model of the creature. "They can survive in harsh environments and are excellent at burrowing, which will help create underground habitats on Mars."

The announcement has made a mix of excitement and fear among scientists and space lovers. Critics argue that the focus should remain on human colonization efforts, while supporters believe that the hamsters could play a crucial role in long-term space missions.

Elon Musk plans to launch the first batch of these genetically modified hamsters aboard the next SpaceX mission to Mars, scheduled for 2026. "If we can make hamsters the new species on mars, who knows what else we can achieve?" He equipped them with guns to fight off Martians. Musk left the audience both amused and surprised, but scientists are allowing this matter because they want to see him fail.

8th Grade Teachers Plan Harrowing "Camp Out" to Reduce Class Size

Working to address the 9th grade teachers’ concerns that there are “too many” rising freshmen, the 8th team is planning a risky camping excursion to wilds of Plymouth next week, anticipating several students will not return.

According to science teacher Mr. Becker, the 8th grade teachers have been asked to reduce the overall class size by 10-15% before next fall. “We’re definitely not going to harm any kids,” Becker said, “but if we lost a few out there in the woods, it could help us meet that target.”

Wellness teacher Mr. Loots estimates that between six and 10 students may go missing on the camp out, disappearing into the treehouse time hole, or becoming mysteriously marooned on the water trampoline as a big storm whips up.

When asked about the fates of the stranded students, Loots gave an optimistic assessment. “I think It’s going to be a great learning experience for them,” he said. “What a terrific opportunity to apply their survival skills to a real-world situation.”

Asked whether they studied survival skills at all this year, Loots shrugged. “Not really,” he said.

Quarter 2 Fake News! December 20, 2024

After Musical Success Last Weekend, Yoh! Announces Last-Minute Nutcracker

BY HENRY

As you probably know, Yoh! theatre just put on an astonishing performance, “Head Over Heels.”

But because of the holiday season, Ms. Bender decided to start “The Nutcracker,” but at the last minute.

The performance will be this weekend and the theatre players have been working very hard this week to put it together.

Sam Hauze, 11th grade, playing the sugar plum fairy, said that he’s “very excited, especially since we don't have any ballet experience.”

When putting together a play, you’d think you need more time to get ready, but master director Ms. Bender is so good that she’s putting it together in less that a week. If you are interested in going, you’re on your own, because nobody wants to answer your emails.

Elves Head To the North Pole

BY ELLIZA

Christmas is coming! In less then one week Santa will be pushing through your chimney and his elves will be helping him since he ate extra cookies this year due to his Crumbl Cookie addiction. The elves have to work hard so they can get him through. Many elves have been working out at the gym so Christmas is successful.

One eactually goes to our school! This elf is in the seventh grade. Can you guess who? Maegan! Ever notice Maegan wearing lots of platform shoes and flare leggings? That's because she’s hiding her true height, two foot one. Maegan is not a good elf. Maegan goes to the gym to make sure she's on the nice list however in her spare time…. She has a Crumbl cookie addiction herself.

Kringle, known as the oldest and wisest elf, does not like Maegan. Kringle said “I don't like Maegan because she doesn’t share her Crumbl Cookies with me!”. Turns out Maegan and Kringles beef didn’t start with that…

Kringle said “Long, long ago, I was Santa's favorite. Santa would always give me presents and rides on his sleigh…but no more! Now Santa does that with Maegan. It's okay because I will get revenge. I will eat all the Crumbl cookies on Christmas except for one. I will put that one in the oven for 23 hours, until it burns and nearly becomes coal. Then I will give it to her but say she can only have it if she makes me be Santa’s favorite, she will not be able to say no. I will give her the cookie, say Merry Christmas and live my happy life of being the favorite!”.

Clearly Kringle has thought things out, and hopefully Maegan doesn't see this and know everything…

🍪🍪🍪

Merry Christmas everyone, stay safe, lock your doors and hide your Crumbl cookies, for otherwise Maegan may find and steal all of them from you.

Parker Tapley

BY DAVID

Parker Tapley, a student at Woodstock Union Middle School, has been drafted to the NHL to the Bruins. Before that, he was on Woodstock Wasps, where he plays goalie. He already has a big fan base, one of his fans has to says, “I pay $350 to sit behind Parker at TD Garden. Another person said, “I don;t think a 12 year old should play in the NHL, it's dangerous."

Parker has a regular contract of 20 million dollars for 5 years on the Bruins. Parker has this to say: “It's pretty fire, And I get a lot of bands. The NHL is way too easy.”

Staff Calling Out Sick With Ufuguagua Virus

BY DR. GEORGE D RAT

Do you, YEAH YOU, ever wonder why one day teachers will be gone and the next they would be back?

Well, I can can tell you. Let's start from the beginning. Recently staff have been staying home saying that they “don't feel so good,” but in reality they just don't want to hear you, YEAH YOU, blabbin all day long about how work is so hard and stuff. Blah, blah, blah.

It turns out, teachers are staying home to grind Hamster Eating Lettuce Simulator instead of going to school. But to get out of school they would summon the Cookbook Accurate Scapbibicle man to get the Ufuguagua Virus.

One teacher that stayed home said, “Fine you caught me. I summoned the Cookbook Accurate Scapbibicle man to get the Ufuguagua Virus and get away from yapology class and all you blabbermouths.”

So that's the reason that one day teachers will be gone and the next they will be back, because we are chatterboxes.

Seeking More Skill, Girls' Hockey Looks to 7th Grade

BY ZELLA

The Woodstock Union High School girls hockey team is recruiting 7th graders to be on their team because no 8th graders decided to join this year. Usually every season 8th graders are allowed to play on the high school team, and a couple do. This year none!

Many Girls on the Woodstock youth hockey 12u/14u Girls team are contemplating joining. The first game the high school girls had last weekend was rough and needed some 7th grade skills. Many parents are very concerned about letting their kids play because of the age and size difference. The 7th grade girls could be playing against 18 year old, full grown women. 12 year olds VS 18 year olds!?! At least Meagan could play with her sister, Eryn. Some of the Girls on the Woodstock team are worried that the 7th graders will take away ice time from them!

Liv expressed, “I think that we would do really well and we would take down the massive seniors that we would be going up against. I think the pressure would be kinda hard but it would be fun. It has a lot of mixed feelings.” David added, “Umm, I don't know that’s cool they are gonna get 0 points and someone will absolutely obliterate them into the boards.”

If you're a seventh grade girl who plays hockey you can be on the high-school team now! Make sure to toughen up though before you join.

Woman Eaten By Mountain Lion

BY DECLAN

“A lady named Stephone died in a horrible accident by a mountain lion,” explained her daughter, Gill.

And then Gill got to explaining, “One day Stephone woke up and ate breakfast and then fed her cat. As she was bringing the food to where the cat normally ate the cat ran around her feet and tripped her. Stephone fell and hit her head on the cat's water bowl. The cat in fright ran away through an open window and into the mountains.

Stephone, with a bad headache and a severe concussion, walked outside and called for her cat. With no luck from that, Stephone went into town and asked people if they had seen her cat.

Stephone’s neighbor Billfe said, ‘Oh yea, I saw your cat run into the mountains on that side of the town.’ Stephone took off down the street. Almost immediately when she got to the woods she heard meows, so she went in that direction. When she thought she found her cat little did she know it was a mountain lion, but she couldn't tell the difference because she had such a bad concussion. And soon after she was in that big cat's stomach.”

Computers Banned After Widespread Gaming

BY JJ

Schools banned computer games -- and computers!-- due to kids playing computer games. All games won't be available until kids find a loophole.

Ms. Smith says, “ I'm happy all video games are banned, kids will have to only use their notebook.”

Some of the gamers in the school say “THE WORLD IS OVER!” is this truly the end of video games and how will we get

No More Snacks Means NO MORE ZOEY

BY KASIA

Many of you have probably heard of the Nurse Snack dilemma. Reporter Emmy Barry wrote covered the story of one student --Zoey Filiault-- stealing all of the snacks. I have some sad news today. My fellow readers, Zoey, has completed her and is now craving more snacks because no more snacks have been given out. She is now being forced to eat the statue for survival.

“I am really disappointed, but ya know, it’s very delicious,” Zoey says. Zoey has expressed her grief throughout the last days of the statue. Many people (including her orthodontist) are VERY concerned about this.

Secret footage from an anonymous student states, “I heard something crack. How do you tell if you’ve broken a bracket?” This is an example of a very tragic accident while eating her “yummy” statue.

Let’s see what the original reporter of this story has to say about this. “I’m not really surprised, I saw it coming,” Emmy said in an interview. “I’m just worried about her because she just keeps eating and stealing food.”

Earlier this week, an eyewitness says they saw Zoey go back into the Ms. Smith’s bathroom. Will this be the last presence from the Snack Queen?.... Until next time.

Fashion for your Passion: Teacher Budget Cuts Tied To Wardrobe Choices

BY LIV

Frogs Are Demanding Rights

BY QUINN

Winter is here and plenty of frogs are complaining about not being able to get a house. One frog said that frogs need to find a hole to hide in for the winter, but humans just get homes. Frogs have tried to buy a home with no avail. Frogs can't get money because no one will hire them. Most frogs are very frustrated about this. One frog says, “Ribbit ribbit bark croak!!!!” which translates to “This is bogus!!!!”

Frogs are demanding rights and they say, “We have feelings too.”

On January 6, 2024, an onslaught of frogs attacked the white house wanting rights, but instead a frog prison was constructed and 78 frogs were thrown away for five years. Several people were injured in the attack. They figured out that a frog named Ronald Rump sent them to so-called “protest.”

No matter how assiduously they try to get rights, the government just won't let them. The frogs continue to hide underground till this day.

QUARTER 1 FAKE NEWS

No More Snacks

BY EMMY

Nurses have decided to stop giving out snacks due to a student taking them all. An 8th grader named Zoey Filiault has been leaving her classes at 9:50 to go take all of the snacks the nurses have put out.

She only leaves the fruits that are in a separate basket.

After she takes all the snacks, Zoey takes them to Mrs. Smith's bathroom and as she says ¨feasts¨ on the snacks. She stays in the bathroom from 10-10:55.

Sometimes she doesn't eat them all so she shoves them into her bag with all the wrappers to finish later in the day. Then she takes them out in another class. But when someone asks her for some she says, ¨NO IT’S ALL FOR ME!¨

Once she gets home she empties all the wrappers from her bag into a bucket where she's saving all the wrappers to make a giant statue of herself.

Writing Stories Is Hard

BY GRAY

It may look like I know how to write news stories, but I really don't. It is insanely hard to write these stories. The amount of interviews and work it takes drags me and everyone else down.

Writing stories looks easy, but it isn't. You can't just write a short article, or end it completely randomly, or just use a simple idea like “Stories are easy to write.”

Even my colleague Carter agrees, saying, “I haven't slept since I took this class because of how hard it is.Overall, it is really hard to write a news story, you should try it and see how hard it really i

Kent Tries To Escape School After McCormick Plays Toad Opera

BY TEA

One week ago Mr. McCormick played some very nice Toad Opera. It aggravated Ms. Hanrahan and she stomped down the hall to yell at Mr McCormick.

Mr. McCormick said sadly, “ It is going to be a rough night at home.”

But the person it really hit was Mr. Kent. Nobody ever knew the deep hatred of Toad singing Opera for Mr Kent. But he snapped.

From the next room down students heard a crash and bang. They peeked into Mr. Kent’s room and saw Mr Kent jumping out of the window. Reporters arrived just in time to get a picture of him jumping out of the window.

Max Delivers Bicycle Kick

BY CARTER

On Monday the 89st in front of the whole middle school, Max earned a concussion from failing to do a bicycle kick in soccer. He was taken off the field in an ambulance and taken to Dartmouth hospital.

Before he got carried away he said, “Aw man, that was a great kick. How did I miss that? I don't remember if it went in or not, I think it did”

Max came back from the hospital to everyone saying “Nice bicycle kick,” being sarcastic. Max said, “Did it go in?”

Everyone laughing said, “Noooo.” Max’s reaction was running away and crying at his house, and ended up quitting soccer.

NATIONAL POLITICS

BY GEORGA

Have you heard all that stuff about how Donald Trump said the immigrants in Springfield, Ohio, are eating the cats and eating the dogs? Well I think he is blaming others for his own actions. Yeah, that's right. Donald Trump is eating the pets in Springfield, but because he is running for President again no one can know he eats them, so he blamed it on the people who live there.

Clock Conspiracy Continues

BY HENRY

Have you noticed or heard about the clock at the end of the middle school hallway being broken? Many students have theories about how it broke, but it was recently replaced by Ms. Fellows, after she “accidentally” broke it while resetting the temperature on it.

But the truth is here! She had an extra $50, and wanted to use it up. So she actually pulled out a rubber mallet and smashed the clock, so she had an excuse to spend $50 on Amazon to buy the clock.

Breaking News: First Grader Comes to Middle School

BY PAYTON

The Ocean Is Draining

BY ISLA

Everyone is worried about the major cities around the world flooding due to climate change, but all of a sudden, more water doesn’t seem like a problem. Instead, experts are noticing dramatic drops in water levels around the world. A team of divers was sent under the ocean off the coast of Western Australia, where beachgoers at Bilbunya Beach have reported whirlpools several hundred meters off the beach. After several days of investigation below the reported sites of whirlpools, the divers discovered a large hole in the ocean floor, with water gushing into it. At a press conference, climate expert Dr. Susan Merrill explained that the receding water had been discovered to be going down the drain, the very large drain at the bottom of Australia’s ocean. It had previously been plugged by trash, but in recent efforts to clean up the ocean, the junk keeping the ocean full was taken out. Canada’s president recently said at a press conference that “our new reality is to chose between bad or worse”, accurately summarizing the situation: it is now up to world leaders to decide if we should plug the ocean and flood the world, or cause the end of humanity with a world-wide drought.

Bzzz… Have you heard The Buzz?

BY LUCY

Have you ever wondered why The Hive is called "The Hive"? A new secret was revealed when we asked a former journalist.

The Hive writes stories each week and suspiciously they are always good. So after this week's edition of the newspaper we looked a little closer. When you walk in the room where the journalism class is, you can hear a faint buzzz, but you wouldn't have expected that one of the walls this whole time has been a hive full of wasps. When we pulled back one of the posters with the loudest buzz we were shocked to find a whole hive that stretched on through the wall filled with wasps.

Now these wasps aren't just normal wasps no no no they are wasps that have a talent. These wasps were discovered to be helping the hive newspaper, they communicate through a poster where they tell the class what stories to make and who to interview, and ever wonder how they get all those stories edited by the end of the week let's just say they have help and even make spelling errors on purpose to throw us off. So have you heard the buzz.

Teachers are Student Energy Stealing Robots

BY ALYSSA

Teachers at SMSHUW have been hiding a dangerous secret. They are actually power eating, energy draining robots. Some teachers at this school have reported sleeping when no students were in the room. This only goes to prove the fact that without student child energy to feed off, their electronic brains shut down.

Many students find school boring and dull and tiring. Now they find out that teachers are stealing all their energy with a handy trick called a power vacuum. This vacuum works only when a teacher is in the middle of a group of students. All the better to drain you with, my dear. This power pull will leave students feeling forgetful and tired.

Sadly, the rate of misbehaving students goes up after these betrayals of teacher trust. Everyone knows that you become grumpy when extremely tired and exhausted. This causes students to act out, and get in trouble. Lunch detentions are enjoyable to the robots because they are equipped to better feed off of negative emotions, especially since there are so many more, or extremely high running positive emotions.

When these robots infiltrated the school, they participated in a series of trials and single combat fights to win the right to teach the best classes. Namely, Gym/Health, Spanish, and Science. All are classes in which energy and emotion levels are high.

So, Students, Beware of the energy eating teachers. Beware of the Robot Teachers.

Train Crash in Fairlee Vermont

BY HUGH

Horrid sights over Fairlee, VT, and Orford, NH, as smoke filled the air. Smoke came over and an explosion filled the valley.

At 11:19 pm on Sunday a freight train with oil tanker cars hit a small rockslide on the tracks. The train run by VRS ``Vermont Rail System” would hit the water next to the tracks and the land. Almost immediately fire would come out from the train engines and cars. Local resident Akuls Aisak, a 26 year old woman, said “All we saw was a roar and a bright flash then the screams of people trapped near the inferno.”

One of the many burned and injured Isaac Russel said, “It was terrifying. No one could get 911 on the line and the power went out since the train hit the Transformers and cell tower.”

Several more explosions would follow and the casualties are unknown. Governor Phill Scot will tour the damage on tomorrow Tuesday June 11th 2024. Non prophets will also give aid starting today. This situation is just developing.

Stay tuned for more information. Go to www.onion.com.gov for more information on this tragic news out of Fairlee Orford.

Project Isla Bot

BY KASIA

7th grade student Isla Segal has recently been discovered to be a…

Isla has been an astonishing student with perfect grades all year. I wonder why? And her handwriting! No no. The way she types… She seems connected somehow.

On a rainy Thursday afternoon, the middle school was going outside for Connections time. This has been a part of the schedule all year, yet Isla never seemed to want to go outside on the cold days. Most days, she never even came when it rained. Here in New England, the saying is, “If you don’t like the weather in New England, wait 5 minutes then decide.” Suspicions have been growing on her hidden identity ever since she desperately had a teacher open the door after the bright sunshine switched suddenly to a raging storm. She seemed a little off. Later that day, Isla rushed into the bathroom with a towel. After being gone for a few minutes, she stormed into the classroom with a little blue noodle hanging from her pocket.

Three days later it was discovered that she is a robot! No wonder she is such an amazing person. Dun dun dunnnnnn.

Lights On ... Lights Off!

BY WILLOW

Have you ever noticed that the main lights in Woodstock Middle School Classrooms are never on but the decorative lights and lamps are?

Well I took it into my responsibility to figure out why this is. First I went to Mrs. Hanrahan, the middle school journalism teacher. I asked her about why the main lights are never on, and she says, “I'm not allowed to talk about that.”

So I asked why the lamps and decorative lights were always on, and I got another blood-curdling, “All I can say is it's for your own good. no more questions.”

Charged?

BY NOAH

Nobody at Woodstock Union Middle School ever has charged computers. Why? Scientists have found out that teachers are giving students false computer chargers.

Instead of charging the computers, they take the energy right out of the computers. Why would they do this? So the teachers can look down on the students and blame them that their computers are not charged!

Some computer chargers are just plain old chargers while others take the energy out of the computers. One other type is a mobile battery pack. Bowie, an iguana who attends classes at WUMS, said the findings make sense. She quotes, “Cheese sandwich.”

Missing Link Between Humans and Narwhals Discovered

BY BOWIE

On Monday, January 32nd, 2099, in Ukelele Park University, Los Angeles, New York, students discovered a missing link between humans and narwhals. Two organisms that seem entirely unrelated have been discovered to have more in common than scientists originally thought.

“You see, narwhals and humans share a common ancestor that lived about three years ago. It shared traits that both modern humans and narwhals share today, like the ability to blink and to bend the space-time continuum,” Professor Skittles explained. He is a professor at Ukelele Park, and one of the lead researchers of Narwhalcology, the study of elephants.

“Humans simply think of narwhals of members of another species, even when we are so close genetically that we are practically one.”

When asked, most people responded in shock, “I thought that we were related to dinosaurs!” Orfan Gorful exclaimed. He is a nineteen year old who works at a Starbucks, “I’ll make sure everyone knows this for sure!”

In addition to the news about narwhals, scientists have uncovered secrets regarding the relationship between groundhogs and sea slugs. Professor Skittles works on uncovering these mysteries day and night, leaving us with the quote, “There always will be more to learn.”

Inspired by The Valley News front page images 3/21-3/26.

First Lady Swings Through

First Lady Mo Jiden stops in Norwich, Vermont, to check on the safety of a playground swing. "It's important that all swings are safe. In order to be a good first lady, I must look after the little ones," Jiden said. Immediately after inspecting the swing, she left to go back to Washington, DC.

Cheerleaders Cheer for Squirrel Who Runs Across Floor

States Attorney Demands a 30 Minute Recess and Juice Boxes, Arguing Harsh Working Conditions

Chef Messes Up Mayor's Meal, But He Likes It!

Math Tests Stolen from WUHSMS

BY DECLAN

On Thursday, September 32, a suspect by the name of Nalced Relliuohel stole every upcoming math test in every grade, 7-12.

Teachers are unable to re-make the tests, so every student gets an A. Nalced has fled to Woodstock, New York.

Police are working on chasing him down and finding him. Police and teachers may be mad but students are on the top of the world.

One kid by the name of Revilo Ttenneb had something he wanted to share, “I think that he was hired by someone, you know, like a student." Police made their way around the school searching for a suspect who may have hired him.

Police stumbled upon a student, 13, who had no idea what year it was, was sentenced to a mystery number of years in prison.

The police got too tired and gave up after 151 minutes. It didn't matter because just one day later, while riding a chameleon through the desert, Nalced was shot in the pinky toe by a one legged turkey, which turned out the bullet had a timer on it for 32 days which will mean that Nalced will be turned into 200 math tests and all students will retake the test.

The turkey remains unknown, but at least the tests are back. (Maybe)

Mr. McCormick Announces He's Retiring

BY YANNI

After 10 years of teaching at WUHSMS, Mr.McCormick is retiring. Mr.McCormick has been thinking about it for about three years since Covid-19 hit.

“After a while, I just couldn't stand being here anymore. I mean the students are ok and all but this school is just not right for me and it’s kinda weird having my wife as a fellow teacher,” He says.

We asked Chloe Costello what she felt about this turn of events and she said, “He was a great teacher and I hope he has a great retirement and by retiring it makes me 30 years older and I will go to his funeral when he dies.”

She started getting tears in her eyes so I walked away to go interview Brayden Gabriel who said, after I told him this new information.

“It’s my fault. Me and the rest of my class were not fun enough on Fun Friday.”

I told Brayden not to worry and that it is not his fault and told his football friend, Tigger, to tell me what he thought about this and he states, “This is a very depressing day and he was a great teacher and to have a bright side to the this sad event, he is better than Bob the Builder.”

Liam Crowl was just lost for words and he said, "He was the greatest teacher ever…”

Mr. Kent, being a fellow teacher, just said, “No comment.“ with a sympathetic face.

I felt really bad for all the students and teachers who really liked Mr. McCormick, and, being one of them, I understand. We will all miss Mr.McCormick and his sense of humor, jokes, his sweater vests and just everything about him.

Dogs Disrupt Halloween in Woodstock

BY WILLOW

The night of Halloween comes and kids fill the streets of Woodstock in extravagant costumes. People come out of their home with big bowls of candy to greet children walking by.

Many dogs watch from the windows longing to go outside, they too would like to greet the children.

One dog loving out of stater on vacation decides that it is cruel for the animals to be left all alone inside,

So while the kids gather candy and the adults stand around talking to old friends the visitor goes around opening all the doors of all the houses in Woodstock. Of course some of them did not have dogs waiting to greet the visitor but most of them did and soon enough the streets of Woodstock were filled with dogs.

Candy was scattered everywhere as the dogs jumped on people's legs wanting to see what they kept in their colorful baskets.

The pet owners ran around Woodstock gathering up all the dogs, and soon enough Woodstock was calm and peaceful again.

After the chaos that was Halloween we talked to Kasia Sluka one of the many trick or treaters that witnessed the dogs she said that “It was crazy there were these cute curious dogs everywhere but people were running I guess some people don’t like dogs that much.”

She also said “people started to drop their baskets and the dogs started to eat the candy then the owners finally got the dogs back into their homes.”

New Dinosaur Fossil Discovered in Antarctica

BY HUNTER

A new fossil named Velacirpectoralalicous Gyateretinasosini has been found in Antarctica. This dinosaur the scientists have discovered is a flying dinosaur made for cold climates. The size of the dinosaur's head was about 1242 feet long and 945 feet wide making the actual size a whopping 11,178 feet in size from head to toe. This dinosaur is the largest dinosaur known to humankind. Now to interview a scientist from right here in Vermont thinks of this amazing creature. Parastratiosphecio StratiosPHthyroides Brunetti says “I think it’s amazing that we've found this fossil and to run some more tests on this fossil to see how it flew and survived in Antarctica. This fossil will be hung in The Great Barring museum.” In conclusion I hope for us to see how much more there is to know about this fossil in the future.

Leaf Peeper in Woodstock Disrupts Soccer Match

BY KASIA

This fall, Woodstock has been more crowded than ever. People from all over are interested in the beautiful leaves of Woodstock Vermont, but have been causing many problems. One of which was disrupting a simple soccer game.

On October 23, 2023, a person traveling from Florida came to Woodstock to admire the beautiful scenery. They went about their day, minding their own business until they spotted a grade 5-6 soccer game at Vale Field. The team from Essex came to play against the Woodstock team after winning 3 games in a row. Woodstock was also on a winning streak until now. They were losing 7 to 2 and the leaf peeper was starting to get annoyed.

5th grader Lucy mentioned, “I heard yelling but I kept on playing.”

It turns out that the Floridian was not happy with the score. Saying that they wanted to be the ref. After a lot of fighting, the mean Floridian was now the referee. They clearly wanted Woodstock to win because they started to call everything out on Essex. Woodstock had a total of nine penalty shots and ended up winning 10 to 7.

The teams were not happy with the outcome of the game so they decided to have a re-match on Halloween wearing all costumes to celebrate the spooky season.

Man Found Dead in Sea

BY FARIS

In Cape Cod, Massachusetts, a man was found dead on a boat.

Jim Cent was fishing out his boat and recalled, ‘’the boat was rotten so I went in to see if anyone needed help but I ended up finding 2 rotten corpses and a man that looked like he was sleeping."

Poor Jim Cent who was just trying to catch some fish ended up carrying a dead man all the way to a hospital thinking he was alive.

Remembering the April 27, 1927 EF-5 Tornado

BY HUGH

Just 96 years ago a powerful EF-5 hit Woodstock and Barnard half of both towns were gone with 127 deaths and 500 Injuries.

Ted Fujita said it was some of the worst damage after he served Worcester and Great Barrington EF-5 and EF4 respectively.

Lienna Winch lived when it happened. She is now 102 and lives in Palm Coast Florida. Lienna said when she was just 6 she watched this dark ora reach down into the ground from her house in Woodstock.

As her mom Mary Winch and Father Hunter Winch both rushed down to the basement knowing what it was after living in Oklahoma for 20 years. Soon a rumble came in like a train, the sounds of her house going up with the wind soon stopped and silence filled the air.

As they got out rubble was all over the place their house was gone just a clean slab remembered Lienna as they saw a huge wall of black head north toward Barnard they would soon see the damage. Lienna still thinks What if she didn't get in the basement in time or if was 1 mile away.

After the event Lienna Mary and Hunter moved to Maine that may and live a long life. Mary died in 2001 at the age of 93 And hunter died in 2003 at 96. Lienna has 5 kids now and lives with her husband Oliver in Palm Coast Florida. Lienna said that day changed her forever and she will always remember it. Now dear viewer, take this on in your life as a reminder things can change fast and never go back.

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