"The Things They Carried" Letter

Hey Tyler,

The past few weeks have been really rough. We have moved camp 3 times because the last location was attacked by al-Qaeda and Taliban groups. Nowhere is safe over here as many men have come to realize the hard way. Too many people have died here. I will not allow myself to be one of them. I will come home to see you, May, and Carter again. I have to. 

They say serving your country is your duty but recently I don’t feel like I am doing any good here. War just keeps dragging on and many men in my squad are starting to talk about going home. Their morale is dipping fast. I have tried to lighten the mood by playing games in the evenings and try to get their mind off of home but it's hard when I’m thinking about home, too.

On scouting missions every day I carry my M4, hand-held radio, first-aid supplies, MREs, extra ammo, my rabbit's foot, my wedding ring around my neck, and helmet on top of my head. Lots of things I feel that we use a little too often because our missions go south a lot. 

I have seen these helmets save some guys several times. Bullets were deflected off or their head was protected from flying shrapnel from an explosion. The helmets have a light-colored netting on them to help keep the heat off and allow us to look like the desert environment when we aren’t in the cities and towns. Sweat accumulates under them extremely fast even though they aren’t dark-colored; they just hold all the heat in. 

The gauze in the first-aid kit was all used up Sergeant Nixion was shot last week. My squad was out searching a town and we came around the side of a building there was this loud bang, and Nixion just dropped. Right in front of me. He fell to the ground and rolled to his side. He had been shot in the neck and there was blood all over his vest and neck. Shots rang out all around me but all I could focus on was him. I used all the gauze to try to stop the bleeding and used my radio to call for a truck to come in and pick us up. Nixion died before the truck got there. That’s the worst part of being here. It makes you realize how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken away. 

The next day I was assigned squad leader and now I am responsible for 15 lives other than my own. That responsibility keeps me up at night. Not knowing if I will be able to keep all of these young men alive so they can get home again and not knowing how I would tell their parents that they won’t be coming home is what keeps me up. I had seen Nixion struggle with the same thing a few times but he always did what he had to. He was one of my closest friends over here. I don’t know how to have the confidence to lead this squadron like he did. 

I had never taken my wedding ring off before I got here. It means everything to me but the thought of losing it here scares me more than you would know. Shortly after I arrived I put it on the chain with my dog tags. It is still just as bright silver and smooth as the day I first wore it with the engraving of my wedding date on the inside. When I lay in bed at night thinking about my responsibility for these men, I hold it in between my fingers. It calms me, just like if May were here with me telling me everything will be okay and that I will know what to do when the time comes that one of these men doesn’t make it home. 

I keep one of Carter’s baby socks in my chest pocket. It still smells fresh and I can picture him wearing it every time I look at it. I am sure that by now he doesn’t look like the same baby I am picturing. I’m sure a lot of things aren’t the way they were when I left either. Heck, that plant I put in the house when we first moved in is probably dead by now. You know I was the only one who ever watered that thing!

The picture from May of all of us stays with me at all times. On the back, she wrote some lines from one of my favorite poems, The Poet As Hero. In her beautiful, cursive handwriting she wrote: 

You’ve heard me, scornful, harsh, and discontented, 

   Mocking and loathing War: you’ve asked me why 

Of my old, silly sweetness I’ve repented— 

   My ecstasies changed to an ugly cry. 

I didn’t know how much that would be true until I got here. I have been away from May and Carter for so long. I used to think I would make it through my 6 months and be home and it would go by so fast but I couldn’t have been more wrong. The days drag on and into the night. 

Tyler, I don’t know how I am going to make it through the next two months. I am so proud to be serving my country but I can’t help that I am doing a disservice to Carter. I’m not there as he starts to take his first steps and as he starts talking. I don’t want to be the absent father my father was. No child deserves that. And I’m not there for May either. I know how hard she is working and how tired she must be from working all day at the hospital and then coming home to take care of Carter. 

Thank you for taking care of them while I am gone. Knowing that you have been around helping out and being a father figure for Carter has helped put my mind at ease. These two months need to go by faster than the last four so I can get home and hug my family and best friend again. 

I hope all is well with your family and work. Tell them all I say hi and send my love. Tell my family I’ll be home before they know it. Keep them safe and tell them I love them.

Love you bro,

Matt Brock