Projects

Hero in Solitude

by: Brianna Paul

I can’t remember the last time I was happy, but then again I don’t remember much of anything. I could not name the people I hung out with in middle school, or the teachers I had year round. I used to have goals, but now all I seem to have is my thoughts.

I’m floating. My head feels as though it's fallen off. My body tingles while my spine seems to lift out of place. My cheeks are warm. I stare blankly at the ceiling of my car memorizing every color and light that bounces off. The music runs circles in my head. The beat dances in front of my eyes. I know I should quit this feeling, but there is something so peaceful about it. At this moment, nothing else matters. My chest is heavy, but this is the only time I can breathe. And while my mind is thinking a million things, it all combines to be one great, big picture. I can’t seem to make sense of it, though.

I can’t seem to make sense of anything.

“You’re home early! I made dinner if you’re hungry. Do you want to visit with us for a little while before we go to bed?” I feel bad. I know she knows what I’m going to say, but I can’t help but feel sorry for her for trying anyway.

“Yeah there wasn’t much to do tonight. I think I’m just going to go lay down for a bit. I’m pretty tired.” Lie. I know I’ll be up for hours mindlessly scrolling, listening to music, or going over every possible scenario in the world.

“Okay, well I love you very much. Make sure you’re up for school tomorrow.” I genuinely think my mom cares more about school than I do. High school is hell. It’s a bunch of kids who are oblivious to the world around them. I used to love school. Freshman year changed that real quick. Four years later and I only have a few months left.

  “Love you too, Mom. I’ll be up.” I will be up—just a little late like usual. Every day is the same: wake up, shower, brush teeth, skincare, hair, makeup, outfit, school; nothing changes. I want change. I need change.

I think I make my mom sad. Probably my stepdad, too. Add my friends to the list. I know I should spend more time with them, but I like being alone. I lay in bed for a while waiting for my parents to go to bed. After I hear their usual yell for the dogs and the close of their bedroom door, I know it won’t be long now. I get out of bed after 20 minutes, grab my keys, throw on my shoes and head out the door. Every night I tell myself I’m staying in, but I want to be sitting in my car. It eventually overwhelms my thoughts. As I’m walking to the elevator, I check my phone and notice that it reads 8:47pm. My curfew is 11 on school nights, but what my mom doesn’t know won’t hurt her. I get to the elevator only to find a girl my age already waiting. I hate seeing people my age, but now that I think about it, I’ve never seen her before.

“Hi!” She gives me a warm smile. One that actually makes me hate people less. I notice she has a piercing in her nose. Just like mine. Opposite side. She’s a little shorter than I am- brown hair. She’s wearing blue sweatpants and a black hoodie.

“Hey, do you live here?” My curiosity gets the best of me. I know no one here. I have to drive to school because there isn’t a bus that picks me up, so meeting someone in my city would be nice.

“Yeah, my family and I just moved in. I was running down to my car to grab something. I take it you live here? What’re you doing?” She’s not the shy type- like me. She’s friendly, but also seems to have secrets.

“I’ve been living here for almost a year. I’m running down to my car, too.” Maybe this is the change I needed. She tells me her name is Callie.

Soon, Callie and I are hanging out every day after school. We talk about things normal teenagers talk about, but also things I vowed never to say out loud. It’s easy with Callie. We share similar stories growing up. Single mother. Absent dads who are trying now, and while we can’t help but continue to love them, we allow ourselves to talk bad. It’s therapeutic. Callie knows the feeling of floating, too. We make an agreement to experience this feeling in small amounts. It’s all we did for a while to cope with life, but something in us both shifted.

“What do you want to do when you’re older?” She’s looking at me through blue eyes. I’ve never really thought about this question before. I mean, of course I know I have to go to college, but I feel lost. I know what I’m going to do, but is it what I want?

“College. Work. You know, everything I was brought to this world to do.” 

“Well yeah, I know that stuff, but what do you want?”

“I want to be happy.” It comes out without me even thinking.

“What will make you happy, Blair?” Being alone makes me happy. Feeling the warm sun on my face makes me happy. Sitting in my car, windows down, music playing in the summer makes me happy.

“I want to travel the world after I have a set job. I want an apartment, so I can save as much money as possible. I don’t know. I just want to experience the little things in life.”

“No way! That’s my plan, too.” We’re so much more alike than I thought we were.

People have started calling us sisters. I guess when you hang around someone for a certain amount of time you can begin to look alike. Callie looks at me and starts again, “Let’s do it.”

“Do what?” There is no way she is serious.

“Do everything. See everything. Experience everything. I have been wanting to do this for so long.” This actually might not be a bad idea. I know Callie and I haven’t known each other for a long time, but we’ve gotten so close, so fast. Callie knows almost everything about me at this point. I know her, too. There’s a voice in the back of my head that keeps repeating the word “change” to me.

“Okay. Let’s do it.”

This is the first time in a long time where I’ve had a goal, or a dream. This is the first time I’ve looked forward to something. It’s weird. It feels good. The last couple months with Callie has made me feel like a different person. I started to care less about the things that used to keep me up at night. Her and I agreed that we only live once. That little phrase has changed my whole mindset.

“Blair! Callie! So, what’re you girls up to tonight?” My mom is so nosy, but I know she means well.

“We were actually thinking of having dinner here and then leaving.” I like being home more often. It’s been nice seeing my family and having Callie over. If we’re not at my house, we’re at hers. If not there, we’re in my car.

“Oh yay! Another night having you visit with us. Aren’t we lucky?” My mom loves feeding people, so I know us staying for dinner made her night again.

Every time Callie and I hang, it’s always something different. We do everything together.

I’ve introduced her to my other friends, who I’ve actually seen a lot more of, and she’s introduced me to hers. She does online school, but she used to live in the area, so she knows a few people of her own. One of the best things about Callie, though, is that she also likes being alone. We get to be alone together. I’ve never met anyone who has made such a difference in my life. Callie and I have taught each other a lot, though. We’ve been there for each other in ways I could have never imagined. We have plans to rent an apartment together, save money, and see where life takes us. School is almost done now. My grades have improved.

I’m alone now, sitting in my room. It’s different this time, though. Even though I’m thinking a million things, it doesn’t consume me. I think about how a few months ago I really didn’t know who I was. I still don’t, but my issue was feeling lost. Maybe who I am is someone who just experiences life. I know I’m a curious person. That in itself can just be me. I smile at the thought of not needing to have everything figured out.

Callie and I have our own world we’ve created. Our own place of solitude, and that makes me happy.