ZX SPECTRUM - IT LIVES!!! now has a new home: https://zxspectrumitlives.wixsite.com/home
PART 5
WELCOME TO NEO-SPECTRALIA
NO ADMITTANCE TO DINOSAURS*
*Except Extinct Jim, he's alright...
*** BIG FANX TO LISA, DAVE & CLIVE FOR THEIR HELP AND INPUT ***
NEWS HEADLINES!
50 GREAT LOAD SCREENS - CLASSIC ERA
Top marks if you recognised those without a title, namely Army Moves, Comando Tracer, Alien Highway, Hundra, Senda Savaje, Stardust, Stormlord, Tuareg and Turrican II. However I bet, like me, you only got Alien Highway! Bad luck.
VALLEY OF RAINS
Zosya
2019
Breaking news. There is drought in the country since evil forces have settled upon the land. As Princess of Valley of Rains (twinned with Manchester) you must defeat them. Short and sweet. Here's where it gets slightly weird. Your mother is water. Okay. Your father is ant. Erm, right. Volcano gives you fire. Well, that's nice. And wagtail has blessed you for great deeds. Good again probably, thanks wagtail.
Clearly Saruman got to this ent first, it's gone all evil and wrong
"And my mother is Dec, but I can never remember which one is which"
I get it, you're a regular Nature Girl, both in psyche and physique, and lack of clothing generally. Nuff said. I'm being an ***hole I know, but I feel I can say this because I'm going to say so many nice things about this game. I'll get one last gripe out the way now - the inlay pix veer a little too far towards the pornographic I think (sorry, I'm not showing them here, you'll have to Google them). This game is good enough not to need surplus...titillation. Ouch, there I said it.
This is another product of those Yandex compos, 2019 vintage this time. It rightly won that and various other gongs, such as Planeta Sinclair's top game of the year. That probably took some sorting, since they seem to give most everything 10/10, they're so high on life.
Zosya unsurprisingly are behind this one, and yet again they show off their limitation defying skills to the max. Yes, they've done too many racing games, and yes they've become obsessed with fitting games into 1K. But still they really have set the standards for others to follow, and for that we should be very grateful. Amen.
If you run headlong at Nessie, she'll retreat. That's right, isn't it?
The Princess has had one 'shroom too many and now she sees worms crawling everywhere
Our heroine begins in the forest on her quest to reach the right hand of the screen. Funny how so many adventurers have that same obsession, maybe they think there's a magic portal just round the side of the TV screen, like when a cat watches footy on the telly. Sorry, that bit was weird, I'll settle down now.
Your huge lady sprite propels her infinite weaponry against enemies which approach her from ahead and behind. Most are small but some are large. Why does this sound like a riddle? Felled creatures sometimes leave power-ups, sometimes health top-ups, sometimes weapon upgrades. Sometimes you'll need a key to get through a gate and sometimes you'll have to hit a big boss with all you've got.
Sounds massively no great shakes, one might think. But oh, the style of it! As soon as you get going, it's clear that you're in the presence of greatness and due reverence should be observed. It's fast as heck despite the amazing, huge colourful sprites and scenery. It even sounds great. True, there's no in-game music (but Zosya and Tiurula have kindly given us a whole soundtrack to enjoy/endure separately) but the sound effects are much better in any case. It's pleasingly noisy but not annoying.
This thing's really ugly. Better kill it
Attack the strange red force-field in Flood Plain while avoiding the outsized aphid. A perfectly normal Tuesday
The enemies come thick and fast, high and low, leaving you with the quandary of whether to go full pelt dead ahead, shooting like a lunatic, or pacing yourself more and thus getting caught up with all too easily by the many creatures around. As usual the ideal approach is probably somewhere in between. But it's so much more fun to go Hell for leather. This is why I fail.
It's quite reminiscent of Trantor, with the huge graphics and unrelenting action, but this game manages to be smoother, faster and with no colour clash at all. The 32 years (gulp) in between the two games really do show here. Progress is highly linear, but there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it's nice not to have to make any tricky choices. Unlike those tedious games where you're meant to customise every aspect of your flippin' character. Who cares!
It's very playable too. I've managed to clear a few levels, mastering the Dead Forest, rampaging through the fungusy Amanita Wilds, keeping my head above water in the Flood Plain. Surrounded by colourful explosions all the while. Just generally having a top time bouncing around in my leopard print bra and miniscule thongery. To conclude, this game is pure unadulterated arcade fun from start to (probably) finish in a way that can't possibly be good for you.
Kneel before the funny little dragon, then throw your supply of croissants at him
MONSTER HIT!!!
THE VERDICT
An outstanding achievement from the Z Crew, which pushes our mighty machine to its outer limits and beyond. Long may it rain!
THE ALL-IMPORTANT RATING
93%
TELLY HEROES
Cronosoft
2010
Fancy running a TV station? Here's your chance to take over channel TV6 (sounds French) and bend it to your whim. This was in the days when schedules really mattered and the hapless viewer could only watch one episode of their fave show per week. And you had to be right in front of the TV at the right time or you'd miss it. I mean, you could set a timer recording on your VCR if you had a degree in engineering, but success rates even so were low. Those were dark days indeed, friends.
Here are some shows you can buy. £10K for Eldorito? What could possibly go wrong!
There's a sparkling array of talent to choose from, and some not so stellar. That's life
So this is a bit of a throwback then to the 'golden age' of entertainment. You have to buy existing programmes for your channel or concoct some of your own using whatever 'talent' is available or cheap, to fill a whole day's worth of blank schedule, and hopefully run a healthy profit at some point. You can also sell DVDs (these new-fangled things that have come out, they'll never catch on) of your progs, get a website set up (wha dat?) and excitingly buy yourself a teletext service. Wowzer.
Programs include Big Brothel, Filthy Towers, and One Foot In The Gravy. And the personalities are such as Helena Bonkem-Carter, Dale Wanton and Dawn Stench. It's almost like this game isn't taking things seriously. So childish. Personally I couldn't resist making cheap adult progs to fill the late night slots (ahem) and naming them Ooer Missus, Fnar etc. Well, who wouldn't? Nobody watched them though, or admitted to it anyway.
You know you're doing something right when this old battleaxe is watching all your shows avidly
Sadly my home-made quiz show "Wot Dat?" never won any Dafta awards
Every week you get your ratings figures to see how well you did, how much wonga you made and how much you spent in so doing. A news bulletin tells you the latest showbiz gossip and if any of your shows have been a bit naughty, especially before the 9.00 watershed, you get an abusive phone call from Mary Frighthouse, no less, and a fine if you continue with your wicked ways.
This does for TV what Rockstar Ate My Hamster does for the music biz then. There aren't too many decisions to be made as such, which is okay in my book, as so many modern strategy games insist that you micro-manage everything. I much prefer the addictive (pun partly intended) simplicity of Kevin Toms' Football Manager to deciding how much to charge for hot dogs in the PC Football Manager games.
The all-important viewing figures. I bought Men Behaving Bodily at one point and literally no-one watched it ever. Bit harsh
The celebrity pictures are mostly quite good. Or maybe not quite right, but you get the rough idea at least
First the good news, if you like. The humour is immature and undeniably hilarious throughout. The news updates and newspaper headlines from TV Weakly also amuse. And who wouldn't enjoy Mrs. Frighthouse complaining about "too many bare bottoms" on your shows?
The only problem is that after you've played it for an hour or so, it does get repetitive and you struggle to see what progress you're making. There are occasional one-off events, like a dubious company offering anti-virus software on the cheap or being asked to bid on footy highlights rights. But they seem a bit few and far between, which is a shame.
So Telly Heroes is definitely recommended for an hour or so's play, and a good laff at all the names. It's just a bit of a shame it's not more expansive to give it better longevity. Any chance of an upgraded version, JC? I'd buy that for a dollar.
I managed to get a half-decent share of the audience despite constantly making ill-advised choices
THE VERDICT
A nice throwback to 'The Golden Age' of televisual programming, when you had virtually no choice in what you watched or when you watched it. This Netflix generation don't know how lucky they are to miss the likes of 3,2,1 and Mr. And Mrs., rant, rave etc.
THE ALL-IMPORTANT RATING
81%
50 GREAT LOAD SCREENS - MODERN ERA
Here are the ones without a title: Beethoven's Revenge, Castle Of Sorrow, Castlevania: Spectral Interlude, Dead Space, Genesis: Dawn Of A New Day, La Corona Encantada, Misifu Remeow, Parsec and Space Monsters Meet The Hardy. You might have got Castlevania possibly...maybe the Beethoven game...anyway, nice pretty pix eh?
WHITE JAGUAR
Romancha
2020
This just in. The demons of darkness have devastated the land, poisoning everything and generally making nuisances of themselves. Only the strongest and most courageous warrior, true of heart, can stand firm against this evil, turn the tide and weave metaphors mightily. Sadly no-one wanted to do it, so you've somehow ended up with the gig.
"Oh woah, cactus is our friend. He shows us the way". Or he might do if you stopped jumping on him
The big idol guy will let you through with the right offering. His robed mate's a pain in the arse though
You are Wakhen, conceived during the European metalfest of similar name, and you're a Native American. It's nice to see a different perspective being shown in a game for a change, not the usual generic gun-toting flat-topped hard guy blasting everything in sight. He does wield a mean tomahawk though, so violence does rear its admittedly welcome head.
Quite how you save the world isn't made explicit in the storyline, but it seems to involve collecting sacred objects and chucking them axes at enemies' noggins. The 'hawk is quite a fun weapon as once you've thrown it, it gradually loses height, which makes aiming it quite an art. I've just been watching a bit of the RZ playback and it's hilarious how the player hits his target every time, thanks to that rollback doobrie. Cheat!
Poor Boni's looking a bit chilly over there. "Go and rescue him, Berk. Then get my dinner"
This is the original load screen, the (better) one at the top of this article appeared on an update of the game. Fact
The scenery is a little reminiscent of Jack The Nipper's second outing (not the one in the high street) since it's a picturesque islandy kind of vibe. But hopefully without Coconut Capers' natives. They were kind of...unacceptable really in retrospect. The enemies in this game are mostly animals gone bad and the odd person who looks like they've escaped from Virgil's Purgatory, with animal skull heads and all.
Talking of skulls, I found a skull artifact and managed to give it to a great big idol dude, which he seemed to appreciate by not killing me. Looks like a few more are needed to complete Wakhen's quest. He can double-jump helpfully, a little known Native American trait. He doesn't have very many lives though, so things are inevitably quite tricky going for him.
It's annoying when your long flowing hair blows in the breeze and goes in your face, isn't it?
A stalactite falls as Wakhen contemplates adding one of the sacred objects to his inventoy. Whatever it is
It's a platform game Jim, but not as we know it. Well, being honest it's a pretty regular sort of platformer without too much in the way of innovation. So it's relying on its good looks and charm to win the day. It's another of Yandex's babies, the 2020 contest this time. Shame all we've had recently is the 'Crap Games Competition'. Not quite the same really, is it?
Happily the game does indeed look real purty, with neat colourful graphics and a very pleasant in-game tune. You have to be fairly selective with your weaponry, as spares are few and far between, which adds a strategic elephant, sorry element. But overall it's quite enjoyable for a while and a nice, colourful jaunt in warmer climes than we're used to round here! Sorry, that was very British of me, moaning about the weather.
Brah, this is one EXTREME tomahawk fight! Think they might both end up with axes in their heads
THE VERDICT
A white Jaguar's okay I suppose, but I'd prefer British racing green myself, or if necessary a dark blue Ferrari, or even a purple Lamborghini Countach if we're talking '80s supercars. Bit more interesting than platform games. But this is pretty cool, like my old Ford Probe was. In my eyes at least...
THE ALL-IMPORTANT RATING
83%
STRANDED 2.5
Cronosoft
2007
Another title from the early days of the modern Speccy era now, 16 years old this one, a mere stripling compared to some. The original was made in 2005, but this is the disco edition sequel with apparently over 36K of funky music by Lee du Caine added. Quite an effort. Leave some room for the game though, mate!
Hit the purple buttons and more floor will appear. Hopefully
Tyche has to cheese it like Daley Thompson or Hypersports moustache guy to do this level in time
Bob Smith, of Bob's Stuff and Bob's Burgers, is the author. In his time he has made lots of puzzle games and the more arcadey and popular Farmer Jack titles. And a few remarkable looking ZX81 projects, for instance 3D Soft Solid Ant Attack, no less. It's so impressive I'm starting to question my decision to change up to the Spectrum back in '83. Maybe I was a little rash...
Remarkably for such a game, there's a little back story. Let's see if it makes any sense at all. You play Tyche, who has been imprisoned by Moosh (y'know, Moosh). Tyche is a peaceable sort but Moosh is a tyrannical bugger and has enslaved Tyche's home world, which is rich in natural resources. However Tyche has escaped his captors and now must make his way home to spearhead the anti-Mooshian resistance and **** him over generally.
This one looks like a teddy bear, or maybe a tribble judging by the title
You'll find that you're looking good right up to the last few steps, then disaster happens all too often
He has to make his way through 6 worlds of 8 levels each, removing all the collapsible tiles as he goes, then scampering through the exit door. Not sure that fits into the plot, but no matter. Actually I've just checked out the original game's inlay and you played Moosh in that one, gleefully destroying the bridge between Tyche's world and his own. How things change. Not sure how to feel about that.
The trickiness lies in finding the route which involves touching tiles just the once, as they then disappear, without finding yourself, well...stranded...2.5. There's loads of trial and error, so save that game state regularly or you'll be an eternal prisoner in the kingdom of frustration.
You have to patiently wait for the floors to fill in on this level, as the skimpy time limit ebbs unerringly away (dramatic)
"Get in the middle of a chain reaction" and you'll plummet to your death
The game does a very decent job of maintaining your interest. Trick bricks crop up which don't collapse, or take a few goes to disintegrate. There are also switches and disappearing blocks, and no doubt more surprises as you go. I dread to think what awaits by the time ol' Tychey reaches level 48 (after getting past Mark King on Level 42). Probably a load of hungry exiled Q-Bert monsters looking for a new home.
A good puzzle game doesn't have to be brain science or rocket surgery. But if you're after a good review from yours truly, you'd better keep me entertained with lots of pwetty colour and a bangin' choon. Colourwise the Speccy's bright palette looks a treat here, much better than the C64 and Amstrad (ptui) versions and the music is frankly genius. Lots of it as well. And it really adds a shine to this whole affair.
Don't look at this screen for too long, you'll come over all peculiar
THE VERDICT
Well done Bob and Lee. This is Spectral puzzling done right. Out-strand-ing work!
THE ALL-IMPORTANT RATING
85%
Al 'n' Dave's Spectrum Jukebox Jury
Like many kids growing up in the '80s, I regularly listened to the Top 40 every Sunday afternoon, enjoying the dulcet tones of Mr. Bruno Brookes, and getting unnecessarily excited about how well some of my fave tunes were doing in the 'Hit Parade'. This was before I realised that most Top 40 songs are pants, but back then they seemed considerably less pants. I mean, have you heard the radio these days? Sheesh.
Then later in my teenage years, novelty songs began to take over, and my mates and I tended to listen to these while playing Speccy games. Usually humorous and/or obscene numbers! Monty Python albums were favourites of course, featuring such classics as 'I'm So Worried', 'Eric The Half A Bee' and 'Finland' to name the very few that sound harmless enough today. Other much-repeated numbers that spring to mind include 'I'm The Man' by Anthrax, 'Golf' by Art Phag and 'The Poppadom Song' by someone so obscure even Google can’t locate them.
There was very little crossover between the Spectrum and silly, or even serious music. But some software houses thought it was a good idea to put actual music on the B-sides of their Speccy games. Not many, but some. And not always to cover up the poor quality of what was on the A-side of the tape.
We got to experience the joys of 'Pimania' and even 'Everyone’s A Wally' if you really must. Which got me to thinking whether any other obscure ‘classics’ could be found on our mouldy old tapes of yore. I did find some, 20 to be exact, which is really way too many. But I think they deserve a fair-ish hearing, so now you all must suffer. Well, if you look them up on Spectrum Computing, you too can draw your own misguided opinions on the subject! We're rating all 20 with a mark out of ten, so strap in and endure the ride...
MUSIC PROFILE
Name: Al
Fave music genres: Darksynth, metal, trance
Avatar:
CYBERMUNKY 2077
MUSIC PROFILE
Name: Dave
Fave music genres: Rock, metal, cheesy retro pop
Avatar:
SHREDMASTER GENERAL
TRACK NO. 1
'Dartz' by Automata
7.5
Automata of course were the kings of the novelty song. It seems that they made a song for practically every Spectrum game they released, and even produced their own 'Greatest Hits' tape, which probably sold better than any of their games. Most of their musical efforts do actually demonstrate a reasonably high level of skill. Again, unlike most of their games. But how awesome of them to be able to do both music and programming – a bit like my good buddy Dave, who will offer his opinion shortly.
This number is predictably hilarious. It’s a slow, bluesy affair with someone doing a Sid Waddell (legendary Geordie darts commentator) voice, playing the part of the chucker of ‘arras’, gradually getting drunker and more inaccurate as the song goes on. At one point he hits a passing car! The strains of 'Jerusalem' being played on an organ can be heard in the background to add to the dizzying experience. Personally, I like it. Haven’t played the game, but that looks suitably anarchic too, involving a realistic amount of drunkenness.
7
“There’s only one word for that…Magic Darts!”. All that talk about getting drunk reminded me of that Smith & Jones darts sketch. I’m chortling now, just thinking about it. Chortle.
As far as the music goes, it gets a bit ploddy after a bit. Definitely a couple of extra marks for shoehorning the bizarre wibbly-wobbly 'Jerusalem' in. Despite the Newcastle accent sounding decidedly ropey at times…
TRACK NO. 2
'Moons Of Jupiter' by Alexander Goldscheider (from Wriggler)
9
So this came on the back of Romantic Robot’s only software release, the ace Wriggler. It’s almost as though RR weren’t sure what they were doing, releasing a frivolous game, rather than their various Multifaces, so they chucked a choon on as well just in case. This track features on Alexander Goldscheider’s album 'Themes For A One-Man Band, Volume 1'. But you knew that.
This is a fun little choon. It’s a bit like 'La Serenissima' by Rondo Veneziano, which sometimes appeared on ‘80s TV when they had some time to fill between progs, and not enough adverts. It had a load of faceless robots playing in an orchestra while Venice was engulfed by a tsunami, or some such – pretty spooky actually, but a good tune. This is an enjoyable few minutes of retro synthiness along similar lines. Does this mean Wriggler took place on Jupiter? Could be.
8
Yeeeaaahhh…! This one’s pumping...! I can definitely imagine something like this synth-y offering on a modern day ZX Speccy 128k demo scene program.
I’m now wondering what it’d be like to play Wriggler with this in the background. Hmmm, probably a bit weird, but I’d definitely take it over the painfully slow beepy 'Wings of a Dove' rendition when your poor little worm dies and leaves a sad little skeleton. Do worms even have skeletons?
TRACK NO. 3
'Right This Time' by Resister (from Side Arms)
5
The mighty-ish Resister allegedly contributed 5 songs to Go! games, according to this game’s inlay, but an obscure page on the internet calls them a “very short-lived UK rock band, most famous for having their songs on 3 Spectrum games”. Guess the option wasn’t taken up on the other two…
This one starts off sounding like Van Halen’s 'Jump' or 'Turn It On Again' by Genesis at a push, before descending into soft rock tedium. At least the keyboard player is giving it some welly. Don’t think this tune would help you zap many aliens, or whatever you do in Side Arms. Might as well jump…
8.5
Well I don’t know this band but can already imagine the keyboard player being surrounded by a minimum of 5 keyboards. Perhaps even 7 or 8.
I’m thinking about how well these tunes would go alongside the game, not sure whether this fits the shmup… But hell, I don’t care, I love it, and in doing so have revealed just a tiny part of my dodgy music taste to the world.
TRACK NO. 4
'Iron Maiden'(?) by H.E.X. (from Soft And Cuddly)
8.5
What the Power House lacked in decent games, they certainly made up for in excessive whackiness. The inlay has two aliens shouting “Yowzer! Brilltoid! All music by House Electronic Experience via Wayne Allen”. Googling the same brought up only an Amstrad Power House game called Barrier Reef and its associated H.E.X. track, but nothing more. Shame.
But this isn’t a house track even slightly. It’s a pop oddity, sounding quite Beach Boysy with a driving bass track, then a shouty bit a la Roger Taylor from Queen, then a chorus which repeats “To be an iron maiden” or maybe “To be in Iron Maiden”. It’s odd, but weirdly I rather like it.
8.5
I’m going with “To be AN iron maiden”, though I’m struggling to understand 90% of the lyrics in this one. Quite an interesting track, sounds as if it’s probably about something quite thoughtful and poignant, but it could be about anything.
I guess an iron maiden would fit in with Soft And Cuddly’s murderous theme, but it’s a cool tune nonetheless. And (warning!) a proper earworm. Perhaps it should’ve been on the Wriggler tape instead (ho ho).
TRACK NO. 5
'Pi-Land National Anthem' by Automata (from Olympimania)
6.5
Olympimania was one of this lot’s better games, a quite playable Speccy version of BBC classic Daredevil Dennis, which I played loads in the school computer room. It was that game and Frak! If I recall correctly. Elite wasn’t around yet...
But little did I know there was also a song to accompany it. It’s Automata, so of course it’s silly, and it’s not bad. For a minute or so anyway, it pretty much outstays its welcome by 4 minutes 41 seconds. Martin Luther King does some epic guest vocals, then a Pink Floydy feel takes over as the singer extols the virtues of Pi-Land. No greed, no fighting, and importantly, no tape loading errors! I think it’s in 3 parts, which really is over-egging things, one is more than sufficient. Typical Automata.
6
“No Benny Hill”? Tsk, where would the '80s be without him...? There would’ve been a lot less national titillation for a start. If this came with Olympimania, I’m assuming it’s probably Pi-Land’s national anthem, and gets played when you win a medal.
The game is actually OK, and this track is… OK-ish I suppose. Kind of a Lennon vibe without the drugs. Or maybe with.
TRACK NO. 6
'Hold My Hand Very Tightly (Very Tightly)' by Whistlin' Rick Wilson
8
In August ’89 Your Sinclair, with no warning, unleashed this ‘banger’ on its covertape. A song penned by one of its staffers and his flatmate. I remember being totally bemused by this at the time, it was so very random. And even though I probably only listened to it twice at the most, this ditty still gets stuck in my head far too regularly…
It’s just under 2 minutes worth of odd, old-time crooning parody (I think), sung in a fairly competent karaoke style. Its shining moment in recent times was featuring among the other Speccy in-jokes in the excellent Lumo on PS4. And the other day some guy on Facebook said he’d laughed when he heard a fellow parent say to his kid at school “Hold my hand very tightly” when crossing the road.
What can I say, it’s kinda epic despite everything about it.
7
Ah yeah, I remember this one (this one) [this one]. Possibly one of the more known songs on this list, to a ‘retro-head’ anyway. Or whatever we’re called - I’m sure a few words spring to mind…
Not sure about the fandom it seems to have got over the years – seems pretty bang average to me (cue sharp intakes of breath). Quite catchy and sing-a-longy though I suppose.
TRACK NO. 7
'Main Theme' by Tiurula (from Valley Of Rains)
7
Russian band Tiurula produced a whole album’s worth of O.S.T. for this game, which is quite an effort. You’re meant to play it while ploughing through the game, but I dunno. I can’t see myself listening to any of the tracks we’re looking at here at the same time as playing their respective games. It’s just a bit weird. I like to keep my games and music interests separate personally, despite this article. The only music I’ll enjoy while playing a Spectrum game is Spectrum music. So there!
But this ain’t bad. Good in bits and a bit dated sounding in other bits. It’s great that Zosya went to such lengths, but I wonder if this meant they struggled to get a good AY track working during gameplay, slowing things down too much? Call me cynical…
9.5
Eh? Surely you need to at least consider the game vibe the tune came with, for these reviews? Gah, I suppose you now want me to go back and change my ratings. Well, I’m not going to. So there.
Anyway, this is quality, a catchy tune, well arranged, well played, and I reckon it’d go with the game – sort of. It’s also the first one that makes me want to go and see the band. If it is a band. And if they came to the UK. Near me.
TRACK NO. 8
'The Fight' by Resister (from Trantor)
6
I guess Resisterance is useless. This track sounds a bit like Steve Winwood or maybe 'Jump' by Van Halen. Again. It’s perfectly well executed soft rock, very much the sort of thing Trantor himself would be rocking on his Walkman back in ’87 as he blasted the odd alien.
It’s not really acceptable in this day and age, but because it’s SO very ‘80s, it has a certain antique charm. For some reason if I start humming it, it ends up turning into 'Brass In Pocket' by The Pretenders instead.
8
Oh, it’s Resister again. You know my feelings on this sort of stuff, it’s decent musicianship and both fun and relaxing to listen to… You hear that Al…?? Relax…! JUST RELAX…!!!!
This one sounds a bit like music you’d hear to a film montage of some sorts. Perhaps a military theme as well. Though I think I (just) prefer the other track, so it’s going to lose a point for that.
TRACK NO. 9
'Everyone's A Wally' by Mike Berry
5.5
The inlay claims “Includes hit single by Mike Berry”. Well, he did have quite a few hit songs and even starred in 'Are You Being Served?' for a bit. But this tune wasn’t really a ‘hit’, even though the game certainly was.
It’s an annoyingly chirpy Cockney ditty about how Wally tries to build a house but constantly cuts corners and messes it up, getting his mates to help too. Was that the point of the game? I can’t remember, I got nowhere in it personally. Anyway, it’s not exactly on a level with 'Right Said Fred' by Bernard Cribbins. Or even Right Said Fred themselves.
7.5
I actually think I played the game in the '80s whilst listening to this song. Though not for long, and I couldn’t get anywhere in the game either. Have to say that the whistling is better than what you hear in 'Hold My Hand Very Tightly (Very Tightly)'.
It’s going to get extra marks from me, for lyrics that tie in with the game. I’m not sure how much I could listen to it, but a classic all the same.
TRACK NO. 10
'Leader Of The Pac' by Lady Sinclive & The PiMen (from Morris Meets The Bikers)
6
This Panic clone includes a “Free tear-jerking nostalgic single on the flipside”. And lo, a comedic take on The Shangri-Las’ 1965 hit was found. For fans of random pop trivia, Julian Clary also covered this in ’88 when he was known as The Joan Collins Fanclub.
It starts with “Is he really going out with a Pacman?” and from then on contains amusingly offensive lyrics aplenty, sung extremely badly. It’s (possibly) about Pacman falling off his motorbike, one tasteful line being “I found his corpse right there in the street (street, street). His entrails squished between my feet (feet, feet)”.
5
Oh jeez, I’m not sure quite how much more Automata out-of-tune-crooning I can take. I guess they need something to distract attention away from the game… (Actually that’s probably a bit harsh, IIRC the game isn’t that bad).
I suppose it was 1983 - if I’d found a 4-track recorder, a cheap Casio keyboard and a microphone I might have given it a go. Though there’s absolutely nothing that will compel me to listen to this again…
TRACK NO. 11
'Walking Away From You'(?) by H.E.X. (from Custerd's Quest)
6.5
We have no more details about this H.E.X. track than for the other ones. The inlay suggests “For a 12” single mix of H.E.X. music on cassette, send £1.99 to the Power House”. Whatever happened to 12” singles? They used to be all the rage – the main song repeated, with some unnecessarily long instrumental sections. Great stuff!
The game is actually quite good apparently. As for the song, it’s quite a mellow affair, which sounds a bit rough at first. But by the end it had quite grown on me and did appear to constitute a proper song. It sounds a bit like if Goldfrapp attempted reggae, which they should never do. But it’s quite a nice breezy tune with an infectious bassy riff. Not bad warbling, I’ve heard worse.
7
I really need to give this game a proper go, as it got a Crash Smash and everything. I always thought it was spelled like the yellow pudding-y sauce (custard). Though that’s not important right now.
Anyway, quite a nice, mellow track and singing voice. Though the snare sounded a bit weird to my ears, and the more I listened to it, the weirder it got. Ends a bit abruptly as well, presumably someone may have stopped the tape prematurely before the DJ’s voice cut in.
TRACK NO. 12
'Who's Crying Now?' by Resister (from Captain America)
4
“For the first time, on side 2 of the game you will be able to hear some great rock music on your hi-fi” screams the inlay. How ‘down with the kids’ were those Go! guys, huh?
“If you think Resister irresistible then please write and let us know”. I suspect that brought about as many letters as the offer of the 12 inch tape by H.E.X. The writing on the tape confirms that this was recorded in mono, not stereo. Sheesh, that’s commitment for you.
Keyboards in rock songs? It’s all a bit ‘70s A.O.R. really. This one at least isn’t a Van Halen rip-off, and it’s competent enough. It just sounds so old hat and cheesy, which fits Captain America nicely really, and can’t have seemed much better in 1988.
8
Who’s crying now? Well, I’m close to it after being made to listen to all these tracks... Just kidding. I can imagine this as the soundtrack to a low-budget '80s film, or a cop series that got cancelled after about 5 episodes.
Never played the game - looks a bit rubbish? What a waste of a comic character game licence too… Then again, it wouldn’t surprise me if no licence was acquired whatsoever.
I reckon the track’s decent. A nice mini-shreddy solo, guitar harmonies, and an obligatory “woaaah ooah..!” or two.
TRACK NO. 13
'Slingshot' (?) by H.E.X.
4.5
Odd that they didn’t give any of these tracks a title even. I couldn’t think of a suitable title for this one either, so I duly name it 'Slingshot' to match the underwhelming game.
It’s back to male vocals for this H.E.X. offering. It’s a poppy number with reggae type guitar again, and a singer who’s trying to do a Talking Heads style vocal, sounding anarchic but confused. But it’s fairly unconvincing and the sound quality is nasty.
5
Jeez, The Power House really did what they could to take attention away from their rubbish games, didn’t they?
Apart from some funky basslines, this song feels a bit unexciting. Lyrics are a bit average, and nothing makes any other bits stand out really. 1, 2, 3, annnn-a 4…“From the <insert noun>…. To the <insert opposite -noun>…”
TRACK NO. 14
'Pimania' by Clive Sinclive & The Mystery Man (Automata)
10
Okay, this has to be the ultimate Speccy B-side audio track. It’s nearly 7 minutes long but it’s some sort of twisted genius, which almost makes me want to play the game. But not quite.
It features the following:
• Main rhythm nicked from 'Da Da Da' by Trio, or the Ariston ad if you prefer
• A girl saying “Wow, a saxophone. I’ve always wanted to be in showbiz” a lot
• Frequent coupling of “PiMan” with “A meaty pie, man”
• Outbursts of coughing and/or laughing
• A somewhat un-PC accent
• Seriously odd lyrics which presumably relate to the game (and real-life search for the golden sundial) in some way
• A song that you’ll probably never shake out of your head.
In short, an absolute gem.
6.5
Isn’t he saying “meet the PiMan”? Though it does sound a bit like ‘meaty pie’ I suppose. I’m guessing you were listening to this before lunchtime and had a bit of a hunger on…
There were supposed to be some clues in this song for the game, weren’t there? Probably ultra-obscure ones, as is befitting the game. Nevertheless, there’s no excuse for the terrible sounding drums, dodgy singing and random outbursts and sound effects…
Sorry Al, you say it’s a classic, but in musical or listenable terms I’d argue ‘not in a real sense’... It’s also about 5 minutes too long.
TRACK NO. 15
'Confuzion' by Private Property (Incentive)
6
Wonder which came first here, the song or the game? This is by a band called Private Property, well-known to their family, which includes someone called Matthew Smith. Surely not? The vocals are pretty bad all round, but there’s some not too awful New Ordery bass here and there.
So fairly humdrum, but it’s redeemed slightly by the very ‘confuzed’ chorus, which goes “I’m so confused, don’t know what to do. Won’t someone help me pleaaaaaase? (Confuzion)” which I found myself humming in the shower this morning (too much detail). With this being Incentive, they should have done a tune for Splat! too I reckon. Maybe “I’m afraid of getting splatted, I’m just a little croooooooss (Get Splatted)”. Or Mountains of Ket – “I’m stuck on a mountain, can’t get down. Stuck on a mountaaaaaaaain (You’re stuck, mate)”
9
Now I’m thinking that the Splat! tune could just be someone shouting “Yippeee!!” repeatedly, over some nondescript Casio keyboard boppy notes and random sound effects. In fact that would almost certainly have occurred if Automata had written it.
Anyway, I digress… This is surprisingly listenable and quite nicely arranged. Catchy too. “Connn-Fuuu-Shunnn..!”. I can almost forgive the ropey vocals. Not completely though.
TRACK NO. 16
'Corruption' Theme by Rainbird
6.5
This massively ‘80s instrumental ditty accompanies Rainbird’s gangbanging text adventure, with its cool green-on-black writing for added atmos. I suppose it sounds a little gangstery in a Hotline Miami sort of way, heavy on the synth with occasional backing vox from those 'Video Killed The Radio Star's The Buggles. Or mates of theirs anyway.
So it comes off feeling unintentionally cyberpunkish I think. Which naturally this psychedelic simian rather likes.
7
A soundtrack to an adventure game? Well it’s gotta be better than the tune playing through ‘The Neverending Story’, fairly pleasant at first but gets annoying after… oooh, about 2 minutes.
Apparently there was an audio book with this one as well, glad you didn’t make me listen to that..! To sum up, yep, not a bad tune, pleasant enough, though the word ‘nondescript’ comes to mind for some reason.
TRACK NO. 17
'Dodgy Geezers' by Trevor Lewis & Peter Jones (Melbourne House)
5
As if Mike Berry’s Wally song wasn’t enough Cockney malarkey, here’s some more to endure. But credit where it’s due, the actual writers of the game, Trevor Lewis and Peter Jones also did the music themselves, and they sound pretty professional actually.
Lots of annoying asides perpetuating scurrilous stereotypes about Cockneys liking to drink beer and play games of darts all the time. The very thought of it! Overall it’s not untuneful but it badly misses Automata’s none-too-subtle comic touch.
7
A soundtrack to an adventure game? Well, it’s gotta be better than… <snip>
As soon as I saw the title I indeed guessed correctly that it’d be Cockney warblings over a lively plinkety plonkety piano. I probably need to play the game to get the full effect, but I’m going to give them an extra point for making the effort of doing all the background sound effects and mid-song mutterings.
Now <channel Barbara Windsor> “GET OUTTA MAAAAH PUB!”
TRACK NO. 18
'Starglider II' Theme by Rainbird
4
I guess Rainbird fancied themselves as a latter-day Automata, with 2 of their releases having their own little soundtrack. I thought they were too serious for all that, but no. This is 4 minutes 15 seconds of near-unbearable poppy space jazz, which like space itself sadly lacks atmosphere.
It’s distressingly dated-sounding throughout, reminding me a bit of Star Trekkin’ in places, only I quite liked that (I was young). And the last 30 seconds sounds like a rip-off of the Close Encounters tunelet, you know the one. Nah, this isn’t for me, it's a tune too far...
6.5
Oh come on Al, just listen to the way the drums kick in at around 0:33 and 2:36 (and 3:24), don’t tell me you didn’t start nodding your head and air-drumming?
Actually the entire track just sounds like a collection of different bridge sections glued together rather than anything coherent. There isn’t really any hook or melody (“Alright there Pete Waterman”).
Is the game any good? I didn’t get too far with the original one, despite it getting about 107% in the Crash review.
TRACK NO. 19
'Groucho' by the Automata All-Stars featuring the QE2, The Concord, an old seagull and the Adolf Hitler Good-Time Marching Band (from 'My Name Is Uncle Groucho…You Win A Fat Cigar' by…well, you know)
8.5
Oh, we’ve got a live one here. Another mini-epic by those certifiable Automata folks. I get the impression they were just a bunch of froopy dudes hanging around swapping in-jokes, then inflicting them on the outside world in various forms, be it computer game or ‘hit song’. Or appearing on rad ‘80s TV show 'Magic Micro Mission' and generally embarrassing themselves.
But this is another cracking track, full of silly puns and sung in an Arcade Fire style (that might be stretching it). The music’s good, the singing’s good and includes the great self-conscious lyric “…and this line doesn’t rhyme”. Not quite Pimania, but maybe a strong follow-up track that would scrape into the top 10, before no-one at all bought the next single.
7
Wow, that’s a high rating. Sometimes I feel like I may be being over-critical of these Automata tracks, but then again it does sound as if they’ve been written, played, sang and recorded over the course of a single day in a teenager’s bedroom using a £4.99 Radio Shack microphone.
I’ll give them a bonus point for writing lyrics with a faint relevance to the game, and also the silly talky bit at the end.
TRACK NO. 20
'L.O.D. Rap' by Dave & Al
0
(It belongs to the ether)
Hold up, guv’nor, what gives? Well, something just came to me from the mists of time. You know how there’s a certain mystique about ‘games which never were’, like Bandersnatch and Mire Mare etc? But what could be even more mysterious than a mythical song based on a mythical game? Raises things to the next level eh? No? Unlucky, you’re going to hear about it anyway…
Me good mucker Dave and I enjoyed the classic Chaos so much back in, hang on….maybe ’87 or so…that we plotted a bigger, better version of our own, to be called ‘Land of Destruction’. Basically it was going to be Chaos on a bigger landscape with bigger sprites and bigger explosions! Sadly, Julian Gollop was eavesdropping on our meetings and did it himself with Lords Of Chaos, the scamp. Which actually wasn’t that great in the event anyway.
But you see, he never had a rap to go on side B! Actually, neither did we, but the idea was there. Gamewise I think we only got as far as Dave designing some sprites – he’ll confirm or deny this shortly – but we did fancy doing a tune and maybe even a Spectacle style high score table. Kinda shows how cultish Speccy B-side songs like Pimania seemed at the time I guess. Don’t think we drummed up any lyrics either, so not sure how it would have gone, but I envisage kinda like the Beastie Boys singing about Gooey Blobs. And how epic would that be?
0.5
Ah yes! Y’know I think we did write some lyrics. I don’t remember much about them except that they were a bit rubbish. We may have even got to the stage of GETTING THE TAPE RECORDER and a BLANK TAPE..!
Probably didn’t help that the only rap music we listened to was the odd song that might have appeared on Top of the Pops or Radio 1. And the game design was a bit ambitious as I only knew a bit of BASIC.
I don’t think even the ether deserved to suffer this one… But I’ll give ‘younger us’ credit for pure unadulterated, if deluded, ambition. “You gotta reach for the stars, man…”
"And now...the end is near..." so let's cut to the Old School Top 20 rundown, in reverse order for heightened drama
20. L.O.D. Rap (Dave & Al)
19. Slingshot (H.E.X.)
18. Starglider 2 (Rainbird)
17. Leader Of The Pac (Automata)
16. Dodgy Geezers (Lewis & Jones/Melbourne House)
15. Who's Crying Now? (Resister/Captain America)
14. PiLand National Anthem (Automata)
13. Everyone's A Wally (Mike Berry/Mikrogen)
12. Corruption (Rainbird)
11. Walking Away From You (H.E.X./Custerd's Quest)
10. Right This Time (Resister/Side Arms)
9. The Fight (Resister/Trantor)
8. Dartz (Automata)
7. Hold My Hand Very Tightly (Whistlin' Rick Wilson/YS)
6. Confuzion (Private Property/Incentive)
5. Groucho (Automata)
4. Valley Of Rains Main Theme (Tiurula/Zosya)
3. Pimania (Automata)
2. Iron Maiden (H.E.X./Soft & Cuddly)
1. MOONS OF JUPITER (ALEXANDER GOLDSCHEIDER/WRIGGLER)
Seriously, that's enough now. Make with the FIN...
-FIN-
FUN PARK
Cronosoft
2004
Starting small and not going too mad, with just one of each ride. I've splashed out on 4 trees though
I'm starting to think I'm no good at any games. I've already written off adventures as I never seem to get anywhere with them, so recently I thought I'd venture tentatively into the realm of strategy games. Just to make a change from AGD platformers. So I bought Telly Heroes and Fun Park from those splendid Cronosoft chappies. I've enjoyed them but have reached a point in both where I just can't fathom how to get any further, despite employing a variety of strategies. Some things just aren't meant to be, I guess (sigh)
Enough wallowing, let's have a quick history lesson. In the year 2003 our mate Jonathan Cauldwell, M.B.E. A.G.D., entered his game called Amusement Park 4000 in a competition for teeny games, no more than 4K. He came second and won a chocolate bar. Then he made a bigger, better, badder version but still within 16K, called Fun Park. Later still he made a version of Amusement Park for mobile phones, which I don't quite understand, but I had a little go of that too. Mainly to see if it was any easier. It wasn't (sigh again)
Listen lady, I can't do anything about you being hungry and thirsty. The game won't let me do food and pubs yet
The park's looking better. Just look at all those customers and the huge amount in the bank...
I've not played Theme Park or any similar PC sims, mainly because so many of those games seem to require a degree of micro management that stresses me out. Like deciding the price of half time pies in footy sims. I can't be doing with that. So I like simple, since I'm a simple sort. This game does simple admirably. You plan out your rides, pathways, waiting areas and trees. You can also vary ticket prices, advertising, R&D and security, and even get a bank loan. That seems to me like a perfect amount of things to worry about. Kevin Toms couldn't have planned it better.
Like Mr. Toms' 1982 classic, Fun Park has an excellent visual payoff to reward all your scheming. For match highlights, substitute little stick folk milling around your park, checking out the rides. As well as some pretty pix for the rides themselves. It's so simple and so effective.
I tried putting the rides 'in series'. All very neat but it still didn't survive for long
I was quite chuffed with my little maze, but my £40 soon turned to zip, and game over
But here's where my ineptitude comes in. I've tried various tactics. Building the number of rides up slowly and keeping something in the bank. Getting a loan and going big on rides, thus leaving myself on dodgy financial ground. A mix of both. Trying different ticket prices and investing in the R&D side more. I've really tried, honest.
But every time my Fun Park starts to generate a nice bit of profit, things gradually go downhill and any changes I make only seem to further hasten my plunge into bankruptcy. You start with a merry-go-round, ghost train and big wheel, and apparently if you're good at the game, you can get bouncy castles, go-karts, food stalls, pubs and all sorts of good stuff.
My park rating never got into triple figures, and the winter months are particularly hard on your business
The rides flash when occupied, the yellow bits are waiting areas. Bankruptcy looms yet again
But the nearest I could get was when I tried the mobile phone version and it eventually deigned to grant me an 'amazing maze'. Just before I bankrupted myself once more. It's really disappointing because I was all set to love Fun Park, but it seems the best fun is only reserved for those who can fathom its secrets. My personal fun level seems to be going on the spinny cups, throwing up, then going home early (sigh the third)
THE VERDICT
A game desperately in need of a variable difficulty level, Fun Park is still a great little idea which shows that sometimes simple can be very effective indeed.
THE ALL-IMPORTANT RATING
86%
And now...ZX SPECTRUM - IT LIVES!!! is frankly amazed to present...
*** THIS SITE'S 150th REVIEW!!! ***
SERAPHIMA - 150th REVIEW!
Zosya
2023
An angel wielding twin guns is pretty badass. John Woo wishes he'd done a film of it, I'd bet
YES! No sooner have I bemoaned the lack of recent Yandeces than one suddenly appears out of nowhere. Well, out of Russia anyway. There weren't too many Speccy games in all fairness, but the blockbusting news was that Zosya had done one of them. And frankly when it comes to making games, they tend to make everyone else look like a load of useless tossers.
Which ain't true of course, but they are absolute wizards and generally jolly good fellows, which nobody can deny. They arguably make most of the very best games ever seen on the Spectrum, and tend to give them out free. Can you imagine that as a teenage kid? Incredible games...for FREE?!?! How blown would our tiny minds have been...
Anyway it's 2023, not the '80s again, so let's try to get a bit of perspective and objectivity here. Best check the plot, though at first glance it looks like wotserface from Valley Of Rains might have died and become an angel. So this is probably kind of a rehash of that outstanding game then. Fair enough, there are only so many ideas in the world.
The intro, with its music and scrolling text, oozes class all over the place. Clean it up, would you?
These guys will slice you up given the chance. But seriously - guns against swords?
Actually there's a big scrap going on between the Guardians and Marauders. One's good and one's evil, but the names don't make it clear which is which. Just my little joke. The Marauders are absolutely smashing it as the Guardians are down to, well just poor li'l Seraphima actually. Ain't it always the way? She must destroy all the Marauders, save the world and get home handy for a nice chippy tea.
First there's the boringly amazing load screen, the tediously excellent intro story and the irritatingly brilliant music to get out of the way. Then even worse, you start the game and find out it's NOT just a graphical variation on one of their old games. They've actually put a bit of effort into it. Seriously Zosya, so predictable.
Pretty cool inheritance, sister
Seraphima considers joining the masons, but decides they're a bit weird even for her
As I've said I was expecting a bit of an arcadey onslaught to greet me. But no, our wonderful winged woman walks around the place quite calmly, doing a spot of jumping here, collecting an object there. She does of course have the odd enemy to dispatch with her two smoking guns, but they're nicely spaced out, and give her a sporting chance generally. They're an odd mix of animals, cloaked figures and Metal Man style robots, but hey, who knows what our futures may hold? Maybe just that.
So it's more like say, Heartland in that you go into the screen through some doors and out of the screen through others, making use of your inventory to use item A on object B. So far I've garnered a hook, some keys, a crowbar, several shields and some flags. Quite where she keeps all these I don't know and won't ask, but it's clear this is truly an arcade adventure in time-honoured tradition, and a very nicely paced one at that.
Our heroine does her impression of Doom guy when he gets a shiny BFG to play with
Seraphima checks out the scrapyard from Metal Man, and finds it to be jumpy and fighty
The graphics are outstanding and move well too, the heroine walking the first few steps, then breaking out into a jog. Which makes jumping a tad tricky, but you get it after a bit. Colour is top bananas and the sound is a joy, with music choice being spot-on - adventurous but not annoying.
And it's very playable straight from the off. I don't know how long it might be yet, but it's great to play for half an hour at a time, with new areas opening up readily if you're lucky. So I can see myself coming back to it for quite some time yet. It's a game totally befitting this site's 150th review, which admittedly I rigged, and truly one of the best the humble potato, sorry Spectrum, has ever witnessed (mic drop)
MONSTER HIT!!!
THE VERDICT
A stunning reminder of who the top dogs are in the Spectral world. This is why we still love the old girl (the Speccy, that is) and still get excited about 8-bit gaming.
THE ALL-IMPORTANT RATING
94%
*** APOLOGIES TO MIGRAINE SUFFERERS - YOU'RE SAFE AGAIN NOW UNTIL WE HIT 200! ***
A to Z of Curiosities Of The Modern Age, Part 1
in which Al drags the waters of his collection of recent Spectrum titles and has a nosey at the oddest he can find...
Is Evil Bartender giving me the finger here?
The colourful locals egg you on. Hope they're picking up the tab
AZZURRO 8-BIT JAM
Relevo Videogames
2011
Here's an odd thing, a game based on a pub. Actually that's not very unusual but hold on. This is about a specific bar, namely the Azzurro Rock Pub in Bilbao, Spainland. And there's a version of this game in the bar there too, fancy that.
It's a bit like Tapper, only from the other side of the bar! You have to down your shorts (drinks, that is) in the correct order and as quickly as you can. And repeat until your liver explodes.
It's a simple game made to look very attractive with its colourful cartoony graphics and some decent music (if not quite Hard Rock Cafe fare, whatever that may be - AC/DC perhaps?). Good fun, looking forward to the follow-up where you take as many drugs as you can in quick succession. Are Cheech and Chong available for a tie-in?
If you get the order wrong, you get sudden onset carpal tunnel syndrome, i.e. gammy hands
But if you do good, it's devil horns all the way, baby!
The usual exemplary eye candy from Mr. Townsend here
Naturally you go northwest, and naturally you die
BIOHELL
Spiral Software
2009
A good while before Andy Remic and Clive Townsend worked together to produce the ace The Iron Wolves, they collaborated on this title. But Clive's involvement was limited to the impressive load screen, while Andy used G.A.C. for the rest of the game.
It's based on his own novel about poor silly-named Franco Haggis, who as one of the Combat K squad has to battle his way through a zombie overrun wasteland to root out the cause of such wanton zombiness. Looks like humans have been messing with microscopic nanobots once too often, the fools.
I'm not sure about G.A.C. games myself. The screens seem to end up messy compared to Quilled affairs, and the same is true of this. The graphics are fairly simplistic but do add atmosphere, while the location descriptions tend to be a bit on the garish side. It's not the best adventure in the world but I very much like the fact that it's quite different and ambitious, so it's worth a look.
Rancid corpse head? Their last album was crap
I think Andy might have drawn this, then got on the phone to Clive
Hey! Who took a sneaky photo of me posing in the mirror?
It's hard to read in the library with the undead clanking about. Shhhhhhhhhh!
CURSE OF THE NIGHT
Ultrasoft
1993
Another classic era (just) Slovakian title from Ultrasoft now, like Commando 2 was, you remember? Well, I never said I was consistent, I'll throw an old foreign obscurity into the mix willingly, I'm such a tinker.
Bumfun (cringe) resurrected this one in 2016 and from the off the presentation is rather good. A well drawn, if massively homo-erotic, load screen, amusing melting titles proclaiming this an "action romantic horror game" and some tres bon musique all the way.
A curse has taken over the kingdom, killing the locals and the king, and putting the princess in a coma. Your quest is to concoct a potion to set her right, as she's no good to you dead. Various nefarious ne'er-do-wells get in your way as you attempt this.
The graphics, colour and music are all pretty darn impressive actually, but your guy's movement is rather tardy. You can kick enemies in the head repeatedly in a weird way, but they keep coming back a bit too often and get in the way of your object juggling. As such it's a bit of a slog to get anywhere. Intriguing for a bit though.
SURPRISE! They've arranged an undead birthday party for you
Your faithful steed looks on and thinks "Well blow me, a flying skeleton"
Ha - BBC unlicensed! Ha - Enhanced by the Pope!
I still find these things terrifying, but at least I don't hide behind the sofa any more...mostly
DR. WHO: SURRENDER TIME
Errazking
2018
3D Game Maker by C.R.L. was possibly the most successful of the game-making utilities on the Specco (not sure that one's going to fly actually). In that some people actually managed to make the odd game with it. Unlike H.U.R.G., White Lightning, Games Designer...A.G.D. Oh alright, now I'm reaching.
Sure, the games weren't great. As far as I can tell, only Submariner by Atlantis and Last Mohican by C.R.L. themselves were released commercially. The rest were more pet projects, and much of a muchness.
But this title has a few notable features. The graphics for the introduction are great. There's very good spooky music, reminiscent of Amaurote, throughout, a real rarity in isometric games, with no significant slowdown. And finally you can actually chuck projectiles at those 'orrid Daleks. It comes close to breaking some new ground, but sadly most of the rooms seem kinda empty. "Nice try though, doct-ooooooorrrrrr". I was being Davros there.
Throwing things at Daleks is fun, more of this please
Game over brings a pic of everyone's favourite doctor, Peter Davison. Hmmm...
Can we do this? No really, can we?
Elon really needs to get his shi*, sorry ship, together
ELON M. WITH JETPACK
Rafael Vico Costa
2018
Everyone loves Jetpac, n'est-ce pas? I love it so much I hate its guts. It's an obvious classic I suppose, but is it really better than The Great Space Race? There have been numerous alternative versions over the years, mostly on PC, but here's a Speccy one from the ZX Dev compo in 2018. Aliens: Neoplasma won that one, and while this game isn't in the same league, it at least stars everyone's favourite cuddly bonkers gazillionaire, Elon M. I guess it's risky to go with the full name, especially if you're still a Twitterer.
There are some differences. A jolly tune plays throughout, which rubbish Ultimate were seemingly incapable of. The various platforms are different on each level, bet A.C.G. never thought of that either. And sometimes objects go through platforms. Or maybe in front of them. That bit's a little odd, don't think that would fase those Stampers to be fair.
It plays alright, and even if it doesn't feel quite as arcade-slick as the classic itself, it's a fun leetle 'omage, monsieur. What we really need though is for someone to do a re-make of Lunar Jetman, and make it a thousand times easier. That really would be a great service to mankind.
Not sure why the fuel cells say KLOX on them. Google's not sure either
Got to love a game with a sensible scoring system. Elon's racked up a whole 14 points so far!
Not too surprised she's bright blue. Must be cold only having my emojis to cover your extremities
Phantomasa considers taking up naked tree climbing. Ooh the chafing!
FUNDAMENTALLY LOATHSOME
Mojon Twins
2011
Firstly the odd title of this odd title was almost certainly inspired by the Marilyn Manson song of the same name from 1998's rather good Mechanical Animals album. Though I never quite knew what he was going on about with it at the time, I don't think it involved starkers females, like this game does...but then he is more than a bit odd.
Secondly the Spanish seem obsessed with some dude called Phantomas, who starred in a long series of fairly humdrum looking platform games. So much so that they also made up a Phantomasa, a female version, and this is the third game starring herself apparently. Frankly Wally Week kicks Phantomas' backside every time.
Anyway you play a naked woman, in surely a new low for the Mojons' uber feminist agenda, and you have to collect enough coins falling from the sky to get to the next area for no apparent reason. Maybe eventually you'll be granted a skimpy piece of clobber at least. But I doubt it. It's highly repetitive and not a terribly good affair in any sense, but now at least I've played it, so you don't have to!
Phantomasa can nakedly jump and fire blocks at ducks
Various creatures come to gawp at our naked heroine - guys, seriously, at least try to have some class
-FIN FOR NOW-
HAKKENKAST
Minilop Retroware
2022
"En garde monsieur! Je stabbe vous avec mon sworde"
Your name is Hakkenkast, which is half apt since you're reet handy with a sword. But you desperately want to live up to the other half of your monicker and learn some heavy magickes too. Bit greedy that - surely the set-in-stone rules of RPGing dictate that you can only be one or the other, ever since the olden days of Gauntlet and the like.
You've approached the Elders of Eldritch, the obvious choice, who have taught you Magic Missile. They had more spellbooks, but they were nicked by the Sorcerors of Hussey and hidden in 4 deadly dungeons in the land of Mercya. Hang on, I know enough about '80s goth rock to see what's going on here...very amusing, Mr. Bruce Groves! Reminds me of the awesome soundtrack to Marauder, no less than Afterhours by those Sisters Of Mercy. Maybe we'll get similarly great gothic choons here? We can but hope.
4 loads means 4 load screens. Top marks for effort
Level 2 and our hero has learned another spell. Good luck using it effectively though
4 dungeons means 4 separate loads. You start with your (t)rusty sword and one pretty average spell. The spell takes a second or two to get going, so only occasionally proves useful. As such you're mostly stabbing away at the plentiful ghosties that inhabit every room. Once you've cleared a room, it stays empty on future visits, but leave even one baddie and next time they'll all flood back.
Key to progressing is...finding keys. They unlock chests and doors until you eventually locate the spellbook in each dungeon. You get health and magic refills as you'd expect. With every dungeon completed, you learn a new spell to add to your repertoire.
Oh I dunno about this one. I was convinced it would be a cracker, since I bought, played and really enjoyed its predecessor, The Swarm Is Coming, so thought this would be a slam-dunk for a 'Monster Hit'. But I find myself slightly underwhelmed, annoying git that I am.
Dungeon 3 is full of lime-flavoured jellies, it seems
Hakkenkast is getting those ghoulie-filled dungeon blues, oh yeah...
Let's discuss the good stuff first. The game looks good, with the same top-down view as TSIC. The dungeons are colourful and the sound, by musical maestro Yerzmyey, is plentiful, with a new tune per dungeon. And the fact that there are 4 separate loads means nothing has been skimped on in any respect.
Now the negativity. The music is impressive but kind of...annoying. I'm sure it's been made deliberately spooky, so it's a little off-key in places, but it ends up being a bit painful. If I wanted to suffer pain musically, I'd listen to Lewis Capaldi.
And the gameplay is frankly a bit of a slog. You wave your sword constantly at all the ghosts 'n' goblins, but they take lots of hits to slay, and there are always gazillions of them on every screen. And your spells are only good if you've got a bit of time and space to get 'em cranked up. Which ain't often. So pretty soon you get a bit teed off with all the Hakken, coupled with the ineffectual Kasting. There's a Continue option, which is good the first few goes you cark, but it's infinite, so kind of destroys the point of trying to avoid death at all really.
"Well done, you've brought the magic orb and can now be enlisted in the Church of Scientology"
Nice blue armour for the last level, fella. But try to face the right way, eh?
The presentation and general look of Hakkenkast is good then, but playing it isn't the pleasure it ought to be. It's still pretty good, don't get me wrong, but with some better gameplay elements and less sloggery it would feel much better.
THE VERDICT
Dungeon crawlers often seem a bit dark, dank and claustrophobic to me. Maybe this title suffers slightly from a lack of fresh air.
THE ALL-IMPORTANT RATING
83%
FUNKY FUNGUS RELOADED / COUSIN HORACE
and
COUSIN HORACE
Alessandro Grussu
2020 & 2014
Simply avoid these guys and grab the star at the bottom. Then whup their bottoms
We all know by now that 'Big Al' Grussu is the unofficial king of AGD land, and that he sure knows how to use that tool to great effect, missus (joke (c) 1973). So time to check out a relative newbie of his, together with a relative oldbie. We'll come to good old Horace in a bit, but first it's Manic Mushroom himself, Funky Fungus. Who's been Reloaded for your gaming pleasure. Kachonk, kachonk. Well you make a reloading noise!
A funky game deserves a funky storyline. The folk of Fungiland are peaceable types, and yes fungis to be around, but some strange dude called Seto Taisho is keen on taking them over, as he fancies having a nice Farmhouse pizza for his tea. Their only defence is a mystical star weapon which they can wield against their enemies.
So through 4 worlds of 12 screens each, your 'shroom must first jump over the baddies to reach the star, then use it mightily against them. This offers a nice bit of variety. It's like if Jet Set Willy had access to a weapons locker. First you flee, then you make them flee!
The witches and twirly dudes just circulate, but the bar steward at the bottom left also chucks axes at you
The levels are small but perfectly formed, and jumping accuracy is a must
It's a really neat little game, this. It's quite nice to concentrate on just the one screen at a time, instead of wandering around aimlessly. The graphics, colour and tunes are all excellent, and it's hugely addictive, with the levels laid out as cunningly as you'd expect from M. Grussu's games. Be warned though, saving game state is definitely your friend unless you really are a gamer extraordinaire. I did it every few seconds like a numpty. Great game!
From a simple game to a seriously long one. Cousin Horace consists of 5 separate loads, a huge challenge and one which must have taken ages to program. The plot is unique. Al (not me) noticed that Horace looked entirely different on the American versions of those famous games, so must surely be the scary one's cousin! They plan to meet but UK Horace gets kidnapped by the evil Guardians, so US Horace has to come to his aid, a bit like in WWII, although, like Admiral Akbar, he knows it's a trap.
Would Horace have been quite so...memorable if he'd looked like this back in '80s Blighty?
Didn't expect a sideways shooter from Zanklesoft. Not a platform in sight
So the less terrifying version embarks upon a series of escapades, starting with escaping from the Guardians' tower. This is a tricky platformer notable for giving you 40 lives! And as you'll have guessed, you'll need 'em. Next comes, surprisingly, a scramble type shooter in a helicopter. Only 8 lives this time, but 40 would have been nice actually...
Level 3 sees US Horace arrive in Sleepyville, an old Western style town overrun by pink bikers strangely. This is a more inventory based affair which I couldn't grasp for some reason. Stage 4 sees him infiltrate an enemy base, a mazey bit where you can shoot the odd foe.
But my fave bit is the last level. Obviously I cheated and looked up the pass codes, I'm not a patient fellow. The 2 Horaces meet and have to escape, but when you move one, the other goes in the opposite direction. And Eugene from Manic Miner is out to get them, o retro horrors! They have to avoid the round bespectacled one and trip some switches to escape. This bit's a cracking puzzler and the pick of the bunch.
Pink bikers from Wheelie infest this colourful Western town
US Horace goes right, so UK Horace goes left. And all the while evil Eugene wibbles about the place
All in all, Cousin Horace's 5 games are all well worth a play, and you have to marvel at the effort that's been put into it. The only slight criticism I'd make is the lack of in-game music, but I can well imagine the author finding a way to move the menu choons into the games proper, and improving various elements some time in Cousin Horace Reloaded. Kachonk, kachonk! You heard it here first.
THE VERDICT
Whether it's a simple or multi-part kind of game you're into, there's plenty here to enjoy. I'll plump for the added polish of Funky Fungus Reloaded if I were forced to express an opinion, which I am, as that's the point of all of this.
THE ALL-IMPORTANT RATING
Funky Fungus 89%
Cousin Horace 85%
THE GAMES THAT TIME FORGOT - 1983 EDITION
1983 EDITION
MURDER
Rabbit Software
Hope you like building plans
This is a bit of a rarity. A Rabbit game not written by John F. "Aaarhhh, Jim Lad" Cain for a change. No, it was by a certain A.K. "47" Stanton, his/her only Speccy game probably. It's Cluedo, pure and simple, but is it worth any of your time in the year 2023?
Board games on computers is a bit of a dud concept really. You can't beat the smell of the dusty box, the long search for missing pieces, the bickering over rules and maybe even the ear-shattering pop of the Popomatic dice thing (surely the best invention ever?) The best on the Speccy was Psion's Scrabble for my Monopoly money.
That's most of the case wrapped up then, just got to guess who went and done it
Yes I resorted to childish jokes to keep my morale up
Unhandily for this article, I've hardly ever played Cluedo, so it's tricky to establish just how good a convo this is. But I'm sure I've got a rough idea at least. You get £200 for passing Go, don't you, unless you fall down a snake or land on someone else's hotel. How hard can it be?
Later on Leisure Genius did the official Cluedo for the Spectrum, with nice graphics and all. This version is more functional on the whole. It's chocful of text, though with quite a nice font I must say, but you do get a nice map layout of the mansion for light relief.
There's the usual cast of silly-named characters, so that's good. You play Inspector Pincher of the Yard. There's Lord and Lady Rambling, Nigel Chinless and Fawning the butler, to name a few. Middle class lols all round!
This lot must have falled on hard times - they haven't got a cook or a gardener. Povos!
I knew you'd be 'dying' to see the top floor layout as well
You have to figure out the murderer by asking questions of course, but you get told the murder weapon and place where it happened at the start. Isn't that different from the board game? I wandered around, bothered some folks, then took a wild guess after a bit, lost and got called a twit. On another occasion I got murdered myself, which came as a surprise and seemed a bit rum, old bean.
I think the author has tried hard to make something of this, so I don't want to be harsh, but it is generally on the unexciting side, and really would need some serious tarting-up to keep people's interest. Maybe like U.S. Gold managed with Killed Until Dead. But I suppose back in '83, making quality software on Sir Clive's relatively new baby really could be murder.
Here's the Leisure Genius version. It's rubbish, nowhere near as many blueprints
RATING 53%
POSITION 5th out of 5
REWARD Last Place Potato
WILD WEST
Omega Software
This theme restaurant looks extreme
Omega were an offshoot of C.R.L. apparently, though I don't remember them. They did quite a few games actually, none of which anyone has ever played. There's Murder At The Manor...and Chambers Of Horrors...yeah, anyway, this one is by Clifford Abrahams, his only game it seems.
You are the sheriff of Tumbleweed Gulch, a generic town of the Old West, and you've got a whole heap of trouble thanks to the arrival of some kerrazy cowboys from out of town who are shooting the place up. You must mete out some Wildly Western punishment and tan their hides!
The Pinkertons attack the bank mercilessly as Lee Van Cleef looks on helpless
The grotesque image of a dismembered cowboy's head riding along on a horse will never leave me
When I first saw this it reminded me of a prehistoric ZX81 game I'm sure I used to have, where two blocky cowpokes were either side of the screen, with a blocky stagecoach going up and down in between, and you had to get the first (and probably only) shot in. It wasn't great, but at least it was...blocky.
But this game has a bit more variety thankfully. Your decapitated cowboy head (for you have no body) moves fairly quickly around the screen, trying to murder whatever enemies are around, taking cover behind cacti, rocks etc., all of which can be gradually shot away to spit.
I've got reservations about this bit
The first time this thing charges across the screen, you'll cack your chaps
One screen has a bank on it, another features a number of wigwams, and excitingly another has a choo-choo train which speeds across the bottom of the level, shooting you as it goes. If you clear one screen, you go onto the next, but after a few goes I accidentally found out that you can also go off the screen edge voluntarily to enter a new bit. So you must have to clear the whole town in whatever order to win I guess. Who knew? Not me clearly.
I can't quite ascertain whether Omega did budget games or full price, as this would probably have been a halfway decent cheapo title, but a bit of a rip otherwise, just because it's fairly one dimensional. But it's not terrible, and for '83 that's something to be grateful for.
Another of Omega's high profile releases. Purty huh?
RATING 62%
POSITION 4th out of 5
REWARD Chocolate Medal
XENO II
Anirog
This game appears to be a sequel to a non-existent original. Like Last Ninja, on the Speccy at least
Here's a dodgy start. This game was first released on the venerable VIC-20 in 1982. And sadly it's not a sequel to the ace air hockey game from A&F, since that came later. It's by time traveller Michael "No J." Fox who did quite a few others, the silliest titled being Brad Blasts The Galactic Barbarians.
After landing your spaceship on Xeno (I or II, it's not clear) and avoiding the asteroid belt, you must fight through 4 robot filled mazes, then shoot the aliens out of the sky before doing more shooting at the alien defences to finish things off. So Moon Lander, Halls Of The Things, Space Invaders and slightly different Space Invaders....Righto.
Good luck landing your craft once you drop out of the good ship Anirog
Level 2 and pink corkscrews are out to get you
Anirog did a few highly unofficial arcade clones in those early years, mostly to quite an average standard. So hopes were low when I considered Xeno II for this feature. And after trying for ages to land my ship safely on level one without success, I thought "Maybe try something else".
But then I totally fluked it and managed to land the thing! I quickly saved my game state, and have never managed to do it again since. Major difficulty spike straight away then. To my relief the second bit was much fairer. Shoot robots in a maze. Do it a few times and the game graciously lets you move on once more.
Level 3 sees the introduction of this alarmingly original concept
The last level has you trying to dent that cyan shield while millions of pesky flies swarm around you
Next comes Spacies! Wonder if Anirog just squished together all the games they'd ever released to make this title. It's quite a good version at least, and it's nice to know what you're doing for a change. Beat that and the last stage involves trying to shoot at a TV aerial through an alien shield while avoiding a barrage of alien abuse, i.e. bullets. This part saw me run out of what little talent I possess.
So although none of the 4 elements are life changing in themselves, it's nice to see some variety in an ancient game, as they could have left it at just the one. At £6, £1.50 a level ain't the worst I reckon. No wonder so many of us bought Manic Miner though, is it?
Gratuitous Xeno screenshot. Well, it is a classic
RATING 66%
POSITION 3rd out of 5
REWARD Bronze Medal
IN SEARCH OF THE ORB
C.R.L.
Magic Al has only just left his little blue castle when he is growled at by a Snurt
This unassuming game had quite the checkered (flag) history, which you probably never knew until now. Ready to learn some completely disposable factoids? Then let's go!
In 1982 A.S.P. released The Valley, an RPG which looked very yellow. In 1983, deja vu, Kayde released The Valley, an RPG which looked the same but was very blue. Later in 1983 Kayde renamed their game The Swamp to avoid getting sued. Even later in 1983 C.R.L. released the same game again, multicoloured now, this time renamed In Search Of The Orb, or The Orb, or even The Crystal, or even The Crystal Orb, after being offered the game by a freelance programmer.
Deep in the sex dungeon of the red tower lie the orb's yellow bondage studs. Go get 'em, Mercinary (sic.) Al
Adventurer Al meets an evil Fanged Snapper in the magenta swamp. Spook!
For a xmas present in '83 A.S.P. sued C.R.L., who had to withdraw the game and pay substantial damages, maybe up to a tenner.
So a very tangled web indeed was woven, which nobody knew about at the time, as it was only reported in Not Very Popular Computing Weekly. Interesting though. It was probably easier to sell your game to twenty different companies in those pre-internet times. And for Harry Price to make a living.
As for the game (oh yeah), 'tis your holy mission to find the orb (like duh), together with its golden base and 8 platignum studs (a bondage orb clearly). Previously King Benifax has been exiled to a castle, and wants you to find the bits of orb in order to use its power to defeat Grygor the Dread who rules the land evilly. The orb is in a temple, the base in a castle and the studs in the red tower. All creatures have been rendered invisible annoyingly, so you have to find your way round them, using pure chance, like playing Minesweeper wearing a blindfold.
Somewhere in this castle lies the orb's base, base, a buttery base, a buttery biscuit base (slap)
Al is in danger of going off the bottom of the screen here, causing an error in BASIC (Not really)
So you must kill as many creatures as you can (it says) and find as much treasure as you can, in the true spirit of capitalism. When you bump into a foe, you can attack or retreat. If you attack, choose to aim for head, body or limbs. Or cast a spell if you have enough psi power. Jeez, the instructions don't half go on actually...but you have to admire the game's relative complexity for 1983. You even get to choose your profession, pressing 1 to 5 for such as Mercenary or Mystic. Opting for number 6 renders your status as 'Fool' amusingly. Fighting successfully necessitates quick decision making and reactions, which raises the otherwise fairly sedate tempo.
Overall this really ain't a bad effort at giving some of the first Speccy users a taste of the swords and sorcery lifestyle, and thus creating the LARPers of the future perhaps. Maybe listen to your tape of the radio telling of Lord Of The Rings while playing it, for that authentic early '80s vibe. Hey that's not a bad idea, now where did I put it...(crash, smash, rustle, bang, swearing)
ASP's The Valley here. I don't care if you are dead, that's still gotta hurt
RATING 72%
POSITION 2nd out of 5
REWARD Silver Medal
TAXI!
Digital Integration
"To all the cabbies I've loved before..."
This game was based on the early '80s sitcom and subsequent chocolate bar of the same name, both of which I enjoyed in their own way. It's by Jeff Naylor, who wrote the dubious-sounding Crusing On Broadway by Sunshine Books, and also some actual books. Namely Inside Your Spectrum (all about fluff probably) and then Inside The Sinclair QL...Bet that one sold well.
Taxi! is a rare non-simulator from Digital Integration, as out of place in their games catalogue as their last title, colourful shooter Extreme. They did proper grown-up simulators, not like Code Masters' fakey ones. Mind you, I know which I prefer. But D.I.'s games were nearly always well received and it is generally agreed that they were masters of that sort of gubbins.
Oh sure, it's nice and quiet out BEFORE you pull away to fetch the flashy alien at Central Station
Here comes the traffic! At least you've nearly reached your guy, who has wandered over to the other side of the station
You are unsurprisingly a taxi driver who has to collect fares in a busy town centre which looks as much fun to drive around as Piccadilly Circus. The quicker you pick up and drop off, the bigger your tip and the less petrol you use. The traffic's a bitch and for some reason the drivers of red vans constantly want to knock you off the road. Surely these should be white van men?
Here's some refreshing news for people like me who can never remember their keys. This game has but two - one to move left and one to move right. No accelerate or brake, since taxi drivers seldom use those with any consistency.
The town doesn't have many features, just a central train station, a hotel, a petrol station and a "Rank" theatre, which might mean it's flea-infested and disgusting. But what it lacks in landmarks, it makes up for in congestion. The second you pull away, you wish you'd walked instead.
Whoops, you've rear-ended a blue car. Good job you own the road innit?
Success! You've earned a £7 fare, plus a £2 tip. Might as well round it up to a tenner, guv
The traffic moves pretty fast actually, and you might spot the odd gap, but it may not necessarily be in the direction you want to go. So dirty diving is the only way to proceed, or should I say 'taking calculated risks'. There's a fine line between idiocy and genius in this game, and I know which side I'm nearly always on.
But y'know, it's quite addictive for a flight sim (I'm testing that joke, see how it goes) and I think for an old game it stands up really rather well. It's simple but provides an important service, like many a cabbie. "You can drop me off here, cheers mate."
This is a mini-game in Taxi. It's called Extreme!
RATING 75%
POSITION 1st out of 5
REWARD Gold Medal
-FIN-
4 Out of Memory
Dammit! This page is a-creaking and a-groaning so much, I have to call a stop to this part right here and now.
I guess you can only scroll so much before medical complications set in...
Never mind, hearty congratulations if you've scrolled down this far. Have a doggy biscuit.
