I got out of work around 11am on Sunday. After that, I hit the thrift store looking for stuff to turn around and resell. I didn’t find anything. On my way back, I got caught in traffic because of a street festival that had Lake Street blocked off.
I had persistent ruminating thoughts about what I should have said in the message I sent to my brother-in-law a few weeks back. But I know that no matter what I’d say, people generally have no way to understand the betrayal, gaslighting, the manipulation, and the abuse that was perpetrated by my mother and father and supported by my sisters. I get it, he’s married to my sister and has to see my parents regularly. Even if he sees it, it’d be difficult to speak up; and it makes sense that he’d take the perspective of: there’s 2 sides to every story and I’m only interested in the facts.
My mother said to me at one point when I asked her why she was going along with my father’s seemingly mercurial, childish madness, she looked me in the eyes and lowered her voice and said:“I’m trying to save my marriage.” That was it. It didn’t really matter that I was being abused and fucked with, whatever my father was doing was somehow fine. I was getting thrown under the bus because that’s how he wanted it and she was choosing her evil husband over her own child. I’ve always been in her corner and I never asked to be born.
When I got back. I struggled with being overly sensitive while hanging out with Aiyana. I had a beer and took a nap. I woke up, got some chinese food and then we had a good night staying up all night. Communication was rough at first. I was overly sensitive and too quick to feel like I wasn’t being heard.
It was also really cold. I took a shower and warmed up, then we got down to work, coming up with a plan for my day off. Discussed Storage, Going to ML, going to the PD and all the details involved in that.
The next day we went to Good Will and finally got clothes. I started writing a letter in the car to my Niece and Nephew telling them that I still care, I wish I could be there, and they’re going to be told a lot of things about me that aren’t true.
Then we went back to the place, I fell asleep around 1 and woke up and came into work.
[. . : . ::::✸:.:.:.✵.:.:.:✸::::. . : .]
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
I went to Storage today and uncovered more insane meddling by my parents. They were apparently concerned some of their stuff might be in my unit.
It’s like they’re picking at my corpse and I’m not even dead yet.
[. . : . ::::✸:.:.:.✵.:.:.:✸::::. . : .]
Friday, September 29, 2017
I woke up this morning at 8am on the nose. I didn’t need an alarm.
I went to the corner store to grab energy drinks and donuts. The lady who runs the place asked how my day was going, I replied “I don’t know, I just woke up.” She laughed and said something I didn’t understand.
When I got back, the door was locked, I thought maybe I’d locked it behind me accidentally. I knocked softly, Aiyana opened it, informed me Dee had actually come out and locked it behind me. Then he came out and asked if it had been one of us knocking. I said it was, I’d gone to the store. — — shortly thereafter, Aiyana went to the bathroom, Dee comes out of his room, asked if I’m working today and what time to what time, he said he needed to talk — we needed to come up with a ‘payment plan’ for paying him back — and ‘he couldn’t afford to keep paying rent on a living room that he couldn’t even use.’ — and how his ‘anxiety was so bad that he was afraid to even spend time at home.’ — — BOLD FACED TWISTING MANIPULATIVED EGOFUCKINGMANIACAL PROJECTION MOTHER FUCKING SHIT — -SOUNDS A PERSON CAN FUCKIN MAKE WITH THEIR MOUTH FUCKIN HORSESHIT MOTHERFUCKER.UGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
[. . : . ::::✸:.:.:.✵.:.:.:✸::::. . : .]
Monday, October 2, 2017 - 2:20 AM
The only thing Dee was willing to accept as collateral for the money we owed him was “generally, something like a computer. Then more specifically, my macbook pro.” — — which is suspicious AF. He’s aware it’s set up as a client computer — — it’s valuable as evidence only — — and my father desperately wants it.
[. . : . ::::✸:.:.:.✵.:.:.:✸::::. . : .]
Monday, October 23, 2017 - 8:10 AM
Me and Aiyana got 86'd from the Bloomington Denny's for being $1.39 short on our $5 bill …. for 2 coffees. In a way it’s funny. While it was happening, with how much shame she was trying to heap on us, it seemed so absurd. It was 2 coffees.
[. . : . ::::✸:.:.:.✵.:.:.:✸::::. . : .]
Saturday, November 18, 2017 - 8:14 AM
Life is currently just fucking hard. Being homeless has a way of whittling away at and paring down all the different facets of preference and personality, or at least the awareness of it.
You exist on terms you don’t choose.
You’re insecure, in the most literal and real sense.
The hypersensitivity and attention you begin to pay to reading people, situations — the waves of their emotions — — it’s exhausting. — — it’s isolating from the inner world created by a lack of privacy.
[. . : . ::::✸:.:.:.✵.:.:.:✸::::. . : .]
Monday, December 11, 2017
Currently living on the sly at my work. Last week, I worked up the nerve to bring Toby, our cat up to the office that me and Aiyana have been staying in at night. I don’t know if anyone’s alright with what we’re doing but it feels good to be okay and not having to fight the cold so hard.
I’m working here 6 days a week. With GCN being so understaffed, maybe it buys us a little leeway.
Last Tuesday we went to hang out with a friend of mine who I keep in touch with on facebook. We went to middle school and high school together. She helped us out while we were stuck at the truck stop in Temple, GA. We got to shower, work on the car in her garage. We got to drink and be social. It was nice.
[. . : . ::::✸:.:.:.✵.:.:.:✸::::. . : .]
New Years Day 2018:
On the morning of January 1, 2018, I arrived at the studio for my scheduled shift. I clocked in at approximately 8:52AM. My scheduled start time was 9AM, but we were expected to arrive early, between 5-30 minutes early depending on personal preference, what was most advantageous for the shows we were scheduled to engineer and what we were able to do, which could vary, but it was well established that we could not be late and should therefore always be early.
I clocked in on the Linux machine that was used primarily for clocking in and out, referring to the schedule of who works when and the schedule of all of the shows that pass through the network, what board (if any) is used, and of course, the name, time and day, and the method of which the show comes into the station. This computer is separated by a 5 foot partition from board 4 on the right and board three on the left. My coworker Brad was the only one in the studio at the time that I clocked in. Because of the partition, I could not see what he was working on. I knew he wasn’t running a show, but I did not know if he was actively working on his own musical recording projects or playing video games on his laptop as he would often do during down time or long breaks.
Although we have a light-hearted and jovial rapport, conversation never strays very far from our work. We are able to coordinate our time and energy efficiently. We both care about working hard, doing good work, cooperation, teamwork, and making sure that everyone can utilize and benefit from downtime as it comes up. When I’d first started, Brad had done the most to show me the ropes and get me up to speed on what I needed to know to do the job. If I had any questions or needed clarification….something about shows, GCN, or anything technical, I’d usually ask Brad. We also worked an intense amount of hours, both 6 days a week, long shifts….I think the most hours of board operators working at GCN at the time.
I clocked in, we both said “Hi” and made small talk about our New Years’. I confided that I was very tired and a little bit hungover. He asked if I was there just to hang out I said “No.” I explained I was scheduled to work, so I was determined to be there. He told me everything was in replay and there wasn’t a lot to do.
Me: Really? Do you need me to do anything?
Brad: No, it’s pretty much all taken care of.
Me: Really? What about coffee? I could make coffee…
Brad: No, I picked up coffee on my way in.
Me: Well shit….then I’m going to go take a nap. If you need me to do anything, let me know.
Brad: I will.
Brad knew I’d been staying in one of the empty offices on the third floor. He knew where to find me, could do it quickly, and knew I wanted to work. Napping was not uncommon at GCN.
--------Fast Forward to Wednesday, January 3, 2018:
I was at Board 3. It was during the first segment of “The Daniel Brigman Show,” a show I’ve only engineered one other time. I was still unfamiliar with it, but was aware that Daniel Brigman and another show that he’s a part of have a very long relationship with the network. It was important to make a good impression and establish a good working relationship.
My eyes were instinctively in rotation between my wrist watch, the upcoming events on the wavestation, scanning the email from his producer that contained the notes for that day’s show, watching the VU meter on the board, making sure the levels were where they needed to be, checking that the traffic cue was at 3 o’clock and the traffic fader to the mains was halfway to
unity, and cross referencing with my ears all of the items previously mentioned that occupied my visual awareness.
Kyle: Patrick, did you work monday?
Me: Yeah….
Kyle: I was there all day monday. I didn’t see you.
Me: Everything was in replay.
Kyle: “Sons of Liberty” wasn’t replay. I was your show. I did it.
Me: Yeah, I forgot about that one….
Look….I clocked in at 9 AM, everything was in replay, I went and took a nap. I checked in at 3 to
see if “Nutrimedical Report” was replay, it was. So I came back at 5 and clocked out.
Kyle: There was plenty of work, there were plenty of shows to be cut up. Look at the clipboard.
Check the email. You didn’t work.
Me: Okay. Can you take Monday off my timesheet?
Kyle: This is bad. You said you worked hours that you didn’t. That’s Fraud.
You could have come to me and said: ‘Hey, could you correct this...?’
If it weren’t holiday pay, it wouldn’t be a big deal.
Me: It was a mistake. Can you correct it?
Kyle:I don’t know. This is bad….
[And then Kyle stormed of… ]
Kyle asked if he could “borrow me for a minute.” I said “Yes” and followed him into the recording room just off to the side of the main studio. He took a seat in a chair against the wall opposite the door we’d entered through. George was slouched in a chair immediately to the right of the door.
There was a backless stool positioned equidistant from each of the two men. Kyle motioned for me to sit down but I instinctively stopped halfway between George and the stool, it was a fear and aversion to being surrounded, trapped, and physically assaulted at a numerical disadvantage, and without a clear route to escape.
A second went by and Kyle told me to have a seat.
I carefully took a seat in the stool. It was awkwardly six inches to a foot taller than the chairs either of the men sat in. I half sat on the stool so my feet could still reach the ground.
Kyle: On a Human Level….
I really hate having to do this….and I am sorry.
This is really bad….
Clocking in and leaving and then coming back to clock out….That’s Fraud!
It’s --- It’s Stealing!
And it’s holiday pay. If it hadn’t been a holiday it wouldn’t have been such a big deal….
….and really it’s a liability issue….
Me: I’m not understanding your meaning when you say “Liability.” What do you mean by that?
Kyle: It means when you’re clocked in here and you leave and no one knows where you are, if
something happens to you….we get held responsible.
Me: Alright. I get it.
Kyle: And….you were told you could stay in the offices on the third floor but you couldn’t move
all your stuff in….and you couldn’t bring the cat in….and recently….someone saw a cat.
Me: Yeah. Am I being fired?
Kyle: Yes.
George: Yes.
Me: Fuck….
Kyle: And if you file for unemployment we will fight it and we’ll say it was because of
fraud….but you’re welcome to try….
Me: I’m not….filing for...I’m not filing for unemployment.
Kyle: Now, you’re scheduled to work until 5 today but I understand if you don’t want to finish
the rest of your shift. You’ll still get paid for the two hours you were scheduled to work….and you
can pick up your paycheck on Friday. I’ll have it or….well, you know where they usually are.
Me: So….do I need to get off the property right away? Do I need to sign anything?
Kyle: No.
George:No. That’s not necessary.
Me: Can I go now?
Kyle: Yes.
George: Yes.
Me: Right on….
[I stood up and had just taken my first step toward the door.]
Kyle: What do you need from us?
[I turned around to look at him and paused, it struck me as such an odd question.]
Kyle: On a Human Level…. what do you need from us?
Me: Uh….I legitimately have no place to go. I have no idea what I’m going to do….If me and my
girlfriend could stay in that office we’ve been hanging out in until some time in the morning…
George: That should be fine.
Me: Cool. Thank you.
Then I exited the room and walked through the main studio towards board 3. Mckenzie was at the board covering for me while I had been gone. I said “Excuse me” but I doubt it was even audible. I reached past him to pick up my notebook, power bank and phone. I started to walk towards the elevator, then realized I had forgotten my e cig and had to go back. My second time walking to the elevator, Kyle inserted himself into my path, my eyes had been fixed only on the hallway out of the studio, I did not want to talk to anyone. Then he said to me : “On a human level….I’m sorry.”
I looked him in the eye as he came closer. The silence hung there for a moment as our paths met, then I said “Yep,” although it would have been hardly audible, I gave him a nod and kept walking.
[. . : . ::::✸:.:.:.✵.:.:.:✸::::. . : .]
Email Correspondence between Myself and Vince
*Vince is a host of one of the shows on GCN who I’d befriended and had twice been a guest on his show.
Email from me to Vince - Sent January 3, 2018
Hey Vince,
I got fired from GCN today. I wanted to let you know I'm still interested in going on air with you and will listen and call in as I'm able. I'll be okay.
It's funny now, the thing you often say about USA prepares instructors often being unemployed or unemployable.
-Patrick
Vince’s Reply to me - Sent January 4, 2018
Patrick -
May I ask what happened?
Are you OK?
What is next?
All the best,
Vincent
My Reply to Vince- Sent January 8, 2018
Vince,
To answer your question-I don't really know what happened. I was told it was because I purposely falsified my hours, but that wasn't true and doesn't make sense. And it made me suspicious that when I was being told that I was being fired for falsifying my hours, they immediately skipped to talking about how me and my girlfriend had been staying in one of the offices on the 3rd floor, like we were told we could, but had violated the conditions we were given and said we had moved too much of our stuff in (sleeping bags, space heater,
backpacks, small tool backpack, and a small bin of sewing tools and supplies....I thought that was reasonable, I guess I was wrong); and I had initially been told we couldn't bring our cat in, but as it got colder, I was going out to the car every 2-3 hours, getting in a sleeping bag and putting the cat in the sleeping bag with me, and spending as much time as I could warming him up....after a couple weeks of that, I said "fuck it," and snuck him in. we kept him in his kitty carrier during the daytime with a blanket
over it and let him out late at night just in the little office we were staying in. ....so yes, I had been told not to bring the cat in, that was a rule I had very consciously broken and expected to be asked to account for .... so yeah, that was brought up too, I wasn't being fired for those things, but they were brought up as if to distract me and get under my skin. I wasn't asked to say anything in my defense. There was no discussion. It had just
been decided and I was being told. But they wouldn't come right out and say they were firing me, I had to ask.
So I took it on the chin, they asked "on a human level" what "i needed." (What a question, right?) I explained I had no place to go until I got my paycheck on friday, and asked if me and my girlfriend could stay in the upstairs office until then.... they said that was fine.
Then I went upstairs, told my girlfriend and I cried my fucking eyes out. Then I went and got a 6 pack and we stayed up late discussing what we wanted to do next. Then we slept for 2 days, laying low, gathering our strength and avoiding being noticed. I got my paycheck and we left on Friday.
I loved that job, and aside from working for myself, it's the only job where I've been totally committed and put future plans and goals on hold because that's where I needed to be and I was learning what I needed to learn. Also, aside from working for myself, I have never worked that hard or that much, but it was what I needed.
So, it was devastating. I also really needed the job and had nowhere else to go, and at the point me and my girlfriend left GCN .... into temps around 1-3 degrees. I felt pretty hopeless, but wasn't going to let it show....We went to Walmart and got some warm socks and a pair of Zippo Hand Warmers....because that was what the Red army mountain troops stationed in the Caucasus during ww2 had as their only consistent source of heat ....if it was good enough for them.... we had a couple of days of just battling the elements and fighting to stay warm.
At our storage space last night we were able to set up our Car-Vee more adequately to withstand the brutal cold.... then at the all-night laundromat in Richfield that has a strong wi-fi signal, we were able to come up with ideas of what we wanted to pursue moving forward.... we got to sleep some time around 4am. We woke up this morning in the back of the car to bright sun and our black siamese cat Toby bounding around the car, talking to us, playing with our hair and wanting to be fed. And It was wonderful, we ate breakfast in bed and then got on our way to the coffee shop to get wifi and coffee and to get some work done.
----
To answer your second question - Am I okay?
Objectively, No. I'm not okay. But I'm not beat either.
----
And your third question- what's next?
I miss building and working on microphones and instruments, I've had a lot of new ideas brewing. I've had to start over from zero a few times before. And my girlfriend has been doing a lot of work on how we get a space to get started, reforming my business as an LLC, getting investments, and how to do it bigger and better than before, instead of being a really good hustle and way to make money, doing it with the goal of being a legitimate, profitable, well run business.
---
Yeah, that's all I've got to say for now. How are things on the farm?
-Patrick
Vince’s Reply to me- Sent January 8, 2018
Patrick -
I am so sorry about what had happened.
May I share your email with Ted and Jon C at GCN - I believe that Jon C went to bat for you and that is why you were upstairs.
Vincent
My Reply to Vince- Sent January 8, 2018
Vince, I really appreciate that. I'd need to think about it before you forward it to Ted and Jon.
Thank you.
-Patrick
Share this with your friends and on Social Media.
If you would like to support the work I’m doing as a writer, artist, organizer, activist, and my ability to survive and do more things like this, throw some money in my Paypal- anabasis0802@gmail.com