My Story

This was me coming back to work after maternity leave with my first child. I was excited but I wasn't the same person. I wish somebody would have guided me to the "life after the baby, becoming a mother. Matrescence". I was happy then and my heart was wide open. I was so vulnerable.

This is me with my second pregnancy. I was so happy, celebrating with my friends, but life started to get too hard. My roles as a doctor and as a mother were craving a lot of energy.

I was on the edge but I didn't realised it. I wish someone would have asked me about the dark side of motherhood.

The worst part was unfolding.

The pregnancy didn't go well. Only 2 days after the abortion, I was back to work. I wish someone would have been there to teach me about grief and loss.

My relationship with my parents was at the lowest point. The traumas from my childhood were triggered at the maximum. I wish some would have normalised that process. It was part of growth.

The third pregnanacy was succeful. I was in burn out when I started my parental leave.

Having a break from work helped a lot.

I got clear about the relationship with my parents. I realised that they will never change and I had to set boundries.

I dreaded coming  back to work.

I was depressed. I was so low and having a lot of self hate.

I wish I hade somone to guide me back to my work, to help me negociate the conditions of my work enviroment. I wish I hade someone telling me that this was not about me, that I was enough. That I was having a normal reaction to a very stressful situation.

I was in pain and suffering.

Covid came.

I thrive when it's difficult. Because of my traumatic childhood, I am always in hypervigilence. I am always prepared for the worst. I am an overachiever so I didn't panic like the rest of the world. I became a leader. 

I continued to go to work everyday. I increased my abilities to connect with my patients through all the face masks.

I wish I had someone explain to me what was happing and how my reactions were actually trauma response and coping strategies.

I was depleating my resources.

I was burning out.

Now I know.

I started taking care of myself and stopped avoiding the pain.

I am still walking the path.

I decided that I am enough. I decided to not hurt my self, to not hate my self.

I listen to my body.

I am grateful.

I do every year something just for me.

This is at a psylocibin retreat in Netherlands. 

I wrote in my journal after that:

"You are not special, but you are precious.

You are so loved!"

This is at a Tony Robbins event.

There I changed my limiting believes

from

"Life is hard and painful" to

"Life is a gift and life is sacred"

from

"I cannot work as a doctor anymore"

to 

"I was born to be a doctor. I became a doctor despite all the obstacles"

I have practices and routines to protect me and to make me strong. 

I have integrated what I learnt in schools with what I experienced.

I do my work and take care of my self so that I can practice what I was born to do.