Hindi Tayo Magkalaban

Ito na ata ang pinaka-raw na sulat na masusulat ko sa site na ’to.

Para sa’yo, o sa utak mo na tinuturing na akong kalaban... hindi tayo magkalaban.

*"Ayoko ma-experience ng iba ang na-experience ko sa’yo."*

And that’s where I lost it.

That’s where I knew I would never, ever win against what your mind is telling you right now.

Valid.

Sa lahat ng masasakit na salitang natanggap ko sa tanan ng buhay ko... actually, mas masakit pa nga yung mga yun kesa sa sinabi mo.

Pero sa lahat ng masasakit na salitang natanggap ko sa buong buhay ko, ’yung mga salitang ’yon lang ang nagpa-feel sa’kin ng bagay na ayoko nang maramdaman ulit.

FAILURE.

Totoo pala ’yung sinasabi nila. The pain depends on how much the person who said it means to you.

"The audacity?"

"Konting respeto naman."

More than the fear of losing you, my biggest fear was making your mind feel mad.

Nung nag-usap ulit tayo, hindi ko na naramdaman yung pagmamahal mo kasi wala na naman talaga. Naghahanap ka na nga ng kausap sa Threads.

Na para bang sinunog ng oras at nararamdaman mo yung mga letra ng sinulat mo noong monthsary natin.

"The audacity?"

I don’t mean what your mind is making you perceive at that moment. I was wrong for thinking that doing those things would make you feel better or prove to you that it wasn’t what you thought it was.

But I never had the audacity that your mind is telling you I had.

Gaano kasama yung loob mo para piliin mong mas pakinggan yung sinasabi ng utak mo kaysa sa kung ano yung pagmamahal na pinaramdam ko sa’yo?

"Konting respeto naman."

You say it as if being with me was disrespectful to you, when all I ever did was make you feel respected.

You will never really see the depth of everything I did for you, no?

Or maybe more like... I was never worthy enough to be heard or chosen over what your mind keeps telling you.

Love, the world doesn’t revolve around you.

The world doesn’t only revolve around your pain.

You are so busy thinking that everyone wronged you that you forget you also had moments where you wronged others.

I was wrong for chatting her, yes. I was wrong for letting my thoughts win over trusting you.

But when we became a thing, I never knew about that 6-year relationship and that breakup 9 months ago.

Is it really only my fault?

When we both decided to enter this relationship?

A pair was created because we both agreed to it.

That’s the problem you refuse to see within yourself.

You are so consumed by your own thoughts that you forget you also have your part in everything that happened.

Gaano ba kahalaga yung iniisip nila tungkol sa’yo?

Gaano kahalaga na dapat ang tema natin ay “AKO ang pumasok sa buhay mo”?

Ano bang makukuha mo doon?

Totoo naman na nagpahatid ako.

Technically, ako naman talaga yung nauna.

Ako yung nag-follow, diba?

Pero nung mga unang araw na nakasama kita, bakit pakiramdam ko sobrang halaga para sa’yo kung sino yung “unang” pumasok sa buhay ng isa?

Para ano?

Anong makukuha mo sa pakikipagtagisan kung sino ang nauna?

Bakit?

Gaano ba ako kababa sa paningin mo para iparamdam sa’kin na kaya mo lang ako ginusto dahil naramdaman mong gusto kita?

Nung nag-usap ulit tayo, tumatak sa isip ko yung sinabi mo:

"Yung perspective nila sa’kin, parang ako yung taong humarot pero hindi pa naka-move on sa ex."

Ako yung taong humarot.

Ako yung taong humarot.

Ako yung taong humarot.

Ano gusto mong palabasin?

Na hindi ikaw yung nauna?

Bakit?

Ano yung makukuha mo sa pakikipaglaban kung sino ang nauna o hindi?

Kung yung pag-follow ko sa’yo noon ang dahilan para isipin mong may iba akong intensyon, sana baguhin mo rin yung isip mo.

Hindi ko alam bakit ko patuloy na pinapatunayan yung sarili ko sa’yo.

Pero paulit-ulit mo na lang pinapanalo yung mga iniisip mo hanggang sa hindi mo na namamalayan kung gaano ka na napupuno ng sarili mong pananaw.

Sariling isip.

Sariling nararamdaman.

Lahat pansarili.

Lahat ba 'yan tama, ha?

Hindi mo talaga makikita yung bawat oras na pinipili kong hindi maramdaman yung bagay na gusto kong maramdaman para lang hindi mo maramdaman yung bigat ng dinadala ko, no?

I choke on my feelings just to protect yours.

Every day.

I would never chat that girl if I never felt so small.

Even without me knowing about her, you always made me feel like I was the one who entered your life. I was the one who liked you first. And that you only loved me because you felt loved by me.

My fault for not telling it beforehand.

But how could I?

When I didn’t even have a bit of pride or ego left for myself.

All I wanted was for you to feel loved.

I always asked:

"Am I treating you right?"

But when did you ever ask about mine?

I was wrong for chatting that girl and making her feel like she had it all.

You had your traumas with her that I didn’t know about.

But how long will you let them win over you?

How long will their opinions control your life?

Gaano ba nakakababa sa sarili ang tanggapin na hindi mo na mababago yung tingin nila sa’yo?

Gaano ba sila kaimportante para hayaan mong kontrolin nila yung nararamdaman mo?

I will never make you feel invalidated.

But I love you enough to tell you something, even if you hate me after this.

The world doesn’t revolve around you and your pain.

I was wrong for making you think that every chat they made in your GC was about you or about us.

But if we look at other perspectives, they also have their own lives. Their lives don’t revolve around us 24/7.

Baka tayo lang nag-a-assume. Ako lang nag-a-assume.

Sometimes, we become so full of our own thoughts that we start believing everyone is against us.

But sometimes, we are the only ones carrying that belief.

At some point, they may have said things about you.

But not everything is always about you.

At hanggang kailan mo dadalhin ’yang ganitong isipan?

Isipang palaging nakikita ang sarili mo bilang biktima sa lahat.

Hindi tayo ang magkalaban dito.

Hindi mo ako kalaban. Never and ever mo akong magiging kalaban.

Pero kung ’yan ang sinasabi ng utak mo at ’yan ang mas pipiliin mong yakapin...

Then tangina ng utak mo.

More than those painful words I told you, the harder decision was whether I should say them or not.

It may come across as something painful, or maybe even like a test (which, a part of it was), but deeper than that is my desire to help you become stronger than your own mind.

Marami pang masasakit na bagay o salita ang matatanggap mo sa labas ng school, sa bahay, o sa mundo.

Mali ako dahil, at some point, hindi ko naisip kung gaano ka ka-sensitive sa pagtanggap ng ganoong klaseng salita. Hindi ko naisip na baka mas lalo kang masaktan kaysa sa maintindihan mo kung saan ako nanggagaling.

Akala ko pagmamahal lang din ito para sa’yo dahil ayokong habang buhay kang nagpapatalo o nanghihina sa mga salitang maaaring patuloy na kumontrol sa’yo.

Pero darating din ang araw na makikita mo ang dahilan sa likod ng mga salitang ’yon.

I hope someday you understand that, more than saying those things because I was hurt and wanted you to feel the same pain, I said them because I cared enough to tell you the things I knew would be difficult for you to hear.

It was never just about you.

You questioned your worth after that, and that is valid.

I may have made mistakes with how I handled things and how I perceived them.

But your worth to me was never something I took lightly. Your worth became something I valued so much that I ended up abandoning my own just to protect yours.

Kahit isang beses lang, mahal... sana piliin mo naman akong ipanalo laban sa sarili mong isip.

Sana piliin mong pakinggan ang sinasabi ng puso ko kaysa sa mga bagay na paulit-ulit na sinasabi ng utak mo sa’yo.

Hindi mo ako kalaban.

Hindi tayo magkalaban.

Pero naiintindihan ko kung mas gusto mong yakapin ang dilim ng sarili mong isipan kaysa sa pagmamahal na binigay ko.

Naiintindihan ko...

Pero masakit din sa akin ang nangyari.

Hindi lang ikaw ang natakot magmahal.

Hindi naging madali para sa akin ang iwanan, bigyan ng pag-asa, at maiwanan na naman.

Hindi naging madali ang lahat ng tiniis ko sa atin para lang patuloy na kumapit.

Marami kang isinakripisyo, at baka nga minsan nakalimutan mo na rin ’yon.

Pero for once...

Pakinggan mo rin sana ako.

For once, piliin mo naman ako.

Hanggang kailan mo ipapanalo ang utak mo kaysa sa pagmamahal na binibigay ko sa’yo?

You haven’t forgiven me for what I did?

I understand.

But do you know how hard it was for me to choose forgiveness when I was given hope and held onto words that you never meant to keep or stand by?

"Mahal kita at minamahal kita."

"What I have said to you about me after this relationship with you, I mean it."

Do you know how hard it is to be held by words but abandoned by actions?

"Sana fixable din yung mga salita."

But this doesn’t only apply to me.

I keep receiving hope with your words, only for it to be broken again because you keep letting your mind win and convince you that I AM THE VILLAIN...

when I am just here, wanting to love you and make things right.

Anong lugar ko diyan, ha?

Wala ba?

Never ba nagkaroon?

Bakit?

Lagi kitang pinipili...

pero bakit hindi mo ako kayang piliin?

I was wronged too—a mistake you will never accept for yourself. Pero pinatawad kita kasi mas matimbang ang pagmamahal ko.

The moment you let everyone know about it without them knowing my side, you allowed your mind to believe that we were enemies.

Pero hindi...

hindi tayo magkalaban.

Ang mga pagkakamaling mas maliit ba ay mas matimbang pa kaysa sa pagmamahal na mas malaki?

I tried my best to love you and make you feel loved as much as I could.

But if your experience with me is something you never want anyone else to experience, as if all I ever did was make you feel worse...

Then I’m a failure.

I’m the loser.

pero...

Hindi tayo magkalaban.

 Hindi mo ako kalaban kasi mahal kita.

July 15, 2026