Circle has been an incredible opportunity to connect with and learn from educators committed to caring, compassion, connection, equity, and making a difference in the lives of the students, teachers and families they serve. Last week was another lovely evening of learning and sharing, hosted by Azizi Williams at Sequoyah. 

We started with a quick round of speed dating to share tips for effective meetings, interview questions and how we use storytelling at work. Here are the interview questions we shared:

- Tell me a story about how you deal with conflict.

- What are you excited about these days?

- How do you create an inclusive classroom?

- Why are you choosing to leave your current school?

- With so many schools to choose from, why are you applying to this school?

- What makes you smile?

- Share a challenging moment with a student and how you handled it.

- What buttons of yours do students push?

- (A question for their references) If had PD money to spend, how should I use it to best support this person?

- How do you take care of kids in the classroom?

- Describe your perfect school. 

Our main activity for the evening was Fear Setting. We watched this Ted Talk by Tim Ferris and then took time individually to reflect on how fears might be holding us back from working toward a goal. Azizi made this handy worksheet to use. I plan on using it in the future when to-do items seem like permanent fixtures in my bullet journal. Perhaps it will also come in handy to use with students as a tool to solve problems. A quote from the Ted-Talk resonated with many of us, that “we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” This will be a helpful mantra to repeat when ruminating or feeling stuck. Knowing that “most of the stuff you worry about, never happens,” frequent Circle attendee Malika coined another helpful piece of advice, “it’s not drama - it’s math… figure it out.”

Lastly, we shared professional development ideas for the summer - The National Conference on School Discipline (July in Vegas) and the CATDC’s Mastering Group Facilitation with David Barkan both look like valuable experiences. 

We had four meetings this year, all on topics related to communication - presence, giving and receiving feedback, difficult conversations and storytelling. What is on your mind for next year? What are you eager to learn more about or think about more deeply? Please let us know! Also, if you are interested in hosting or if you know someone who might like to attend, send us an email. 

Have a restorative and restful summer. September will be here before we know it.

A big thank you to Sarah Stehman for hosting our March Women in Leadership Circle gathering at Buckley. The evening was all about telling stories. While yes we had wine and cheese, it was quite a contrast to the usual experience of a work mixer. Having just attended one such mixer at NAIS, where left feeling tired from the constant introductions and status focused chitchat, I was hungry for our circle. 

Circle is a place for real connection, thinking and support. There is no need to fane coolness - circle is a place for feelings, laughter, questions and trying out half ideas with nary a blue blazer in sight.

Storytelling is essential for connection. Stories engage people and help people relate to us. But, how might we use our own experiences to engage our community? It seems natural to look for examples of mission and vision during the school day (Example: I saw this great lesson in 7th grade science in which kids were working collaboratively to solve a problem - this supports our mission to be a community committed to inquiry…). Going further then, how might we relate vision/mission with stories from our lives? Practicing holding the space and telling a good story is a key step in this thinking.

The evening started out with a warm-up in which we shared a quick story that we typically tell when we are introducing ourselves at party. From there, we transitioned to council as a format for practicing storytelling. The first time around the council circle was a quick round of I used to think… but now I know… For the main round, we didn’t pass a talking piece, but had several talking pieces to choose from in the center when folks felt motivated to share a story responding to this prompt: Tell us about an “Aha” moment in your life; a time when you had a realization or understood something differently. If you were not able to join us, I encourage you to take some time to think about what story you might tell. 

I had an Aha moment during Circle when Azizi read Elena Aguilar's advice to tell empowering stories as a way of fostering resilience. If we are constantly telling negative stories, we are missing opportunities to expand optimism and consequently, resilience. I am going to focus on my interpretation of events by trying to tell more empowering stories.

Thank you to CATDC for sponsoring the wine. Be sure to check out their upcoming workshops. I especially recommend Women Rising. 

Our last meeting for the school year will be at Sequoyah School on May 15 - Save the date! 

Lastly, if you would like to host next year, please let us know. 

Aziz & Regan

Last week we had a lovely evening at Josie’s home (I am a bit behind on things). Thank you to Josie for being such a generous host. Our conversation centered on feedback - both giving and receiving. We chatted most about the difficulties of giving feedback both in a way that it is received as it was intended and so that it contributes to positive faculty culture. We talked about the value of feedback being hot it allows the receiver to be seen, to feel like their actions matter. As such, the format for feedback proposed in this Quartz article on giving praise is helpful: describe the actions you like, describe the impact and express appreciation. It was also said in our conversation that the point of feedback is highlight the behaviors that are “vision building.” The impact peice of the praise formula might be the hardest to phrase, but it also might be the most important. 

Also, It was suggested that when giving more constructive feedback, it is helpful to give only one piece of critical feedback so that the receiver doesn’t feel attacked or overloaded. Using broader areas of focus and sentence stems like “How might…” or “I am wondering if…” might foster more reflection and less frustration on the part of the receiver. We also agreed that the timing matters too - folks can’t take feedback if they are at capacity. Adding to that, the relationship has to come first. If the receivers don’t feel cared for, your feedback might sting. Minding relationships might also mean expressing gratitude in different ways. Azizi mentioned that for some, a handwritten note might be more meaningful than an email or conversation. 

Our conversation was here and there around Folio, an online portal for organizing feedback, goals and professional learning. We agreed that we liked its set up - a space for commendations (glow) and a space for questions (grow). We like that Folio is a home for conversation notes, rather than a vehicle for evaluation (Hedwig wryly cautioned against Exfoliating teachers). 

Kate Sheppard’s workshop (Fall in Love with Feedback) was highly recommended, as was the book Difficult Conversations. 

While we didn’t discuss the skill of receiving feedback as much, the key advice from Sheila Heen’s Ted-talk resonated. Ask your mentors or superiors the following (and prepare yourself to be open to the answer): What is one thing you see me doing where I am getting in my own way?

I am looking forward to our next Circle on January 18 at Echo Horizon School. We will continue our focus on communication and leadership. 

I am so excited about Circle for this year. Azizi and I spent time over the summer thinking about our goals for our group. What resonated, was the importance of communication skills for leaders. We felt that creating space for the women in our circle to reflect on the ins and outs of communication would be particularly impactful as often perception of a leader's communication is gendered. We are hoping that by providing a space for practicing and thinking about key skills, we will leave feeling confident to engage in difficult conversations, facilitate group discussions and tell our school's story in an engaging way.

For our first meeting we were lucky to be joined by Malika Williams, sister of Azizi, Actor and body language coach. Framed by Amy Cuddy's familiar Ted Talk, Malika facilitated a discussion about our mind - body connection, as it relates to how we are perceived. She made the point that as we meet new people, in a way we are the commodity and the new people are trying to sense our vibe. Our body language, how at ease we seem, how confident we look, goes a long way to creating that vibe.

She gave us tips for quieting the physical attributes of nerves and for calming an inner negative voice. We discussed the importance of enjoying the attention one receives when leading a meeting for maintaining confidence and poise. She also led us in a two minute power pose, per Cuddy's advice, and asked us how it felt to inhabit confidence in our bodies.

Malika left us with a pneumonic to use as our mantra going forward:

Experience your current state

Posture

Openness (breathing, new things, curiosity)

Self-talk

Empathy

Spelling the word expose,  this should remind us that vulnerability comes with leading.

Thank you to Meera Ratnesar at The Curtis School for hosting! We were treated to a yummy dinner and enjoyed the library setting for our meeting.

We look forward to our next meeting on November 8 on the west side - invitation coming soon.

Our final Women in Leadership Circle for the school year was on Monday evening at Marlborough School. Thank you to Regina Rosi for hosting and feeding us yummy sandwiches and enormous brownies. What I love most about the circle is the social gathering aspect; snacks and wine make it fun.

Our topic for the evening was inspired by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s advice for living boldly as well as her We Should All Be Feminists Ted talk.  One piece of her advice that stood out advised women to stop worrying about being liked. When I read this, my initial reaction, “well not me. I say what is on my mind.” While I am not one to hold back my opinions or ideas, even when unpopular, I would be lying if I didn’t worry about the impact of my contributions after the fact. I have been awake at 3am on countless evenings running back the play by play of an interaction at work. I have sent many an explanatory email just to make sure my comments or intentions weren’t misunderstood. While my need to be liked doesn’t prevent me from doing my job, it does make me second guess and ruminate. 

It was clear from our conversation on Monday that I am not alone. It was good to hear each other’s stories and advice for avoiding this inner turmoil. One common behavior we all admitted to was over apologizing. We recalled numerous interactions from starting emails and phone conversations to being bumped by another person with “I’m Sorry.” This trend among some women is not new, and yet I know it will take a lot of effort for me to stop doing so. 

An aha moment for our group came from Azizi’s take on over apologizing: When we apologize we are looking for validation from the other person. It speaks to our lack of confidence and is a sign that we are looking for the other person to take care of us, putting our own insecurities first over the task at hand or relationship. Major!

We wondered why women in positions of leadership seem to be subject to more criticism and settled on that it seems like women are harder on other women. The expectation that women need to warm and nurturing is at odds with a leader’s need to make quick decisions or set tone. Again, this is a well known occurrence (a quick google of workplace gender bias will yield lots to digest), and since we can’t bust gender norms all at once, we turned our conversation toward building character attributes that will aid leadership and abet our urges to be liked. We brainstormed these attributes of good leaders:

• Be curious - ask more questions, get more information

• Follow through - close the communication gap

• The how to on having difficult conversations - Tell me about ____, mirror, validate, empathize… “here is what has to change ____.”

• Handle most things with face to face interactions over sending an email

• Public Speaking and storytelling 

• Strategic vulnerability - share your feelings and experiences when appropriate

As I take on a new leadership role this fall, I see this list as good set of strategies to come back to.

Our conversation questions:

1. (from another lean in guide): Do you believe that women are judged more harshly than men? How likeable are the women you know who are in positions of power? How important is it for you to be liked by your peers?

2. In what sorts of situations do we find ourselves trying to be likable rather than ourselves?  

3. Basic - but if we know that trying so hard to be liked is depleting in so many ways, makes us less authentic, tiresome, etc, why do we do it? What are the risks? 

4. What is the difference between being kind vs being likeable?

5 . Adichie speaks about how we should raise our daughters. What are the implications for how we should work with our students?  How do we model these ideas for our students? What are we doing to bust gender norms?

6. How can female leaders shake off scrutiny, avoid over apologizing and striving to be liked?

7. So the point is be yourself - don’t only worry about the opinions of others. We should still strive to be our best selves - what character attributes should we focus on? Are there limits to “being yourself” in the workplace?

8. The author is bothered by the inherent sexism in the idea of “having it all” because it assumes that the women are the primary caregivers and homemakers even when they work outside the home. Are we still trying to have it all? Even if our partners are equal parents, do we still take on more home/child tasks? Men have gender privilege and thus blinded to doing things to help

9. Are men and women different? Or as Adichie encourages us to ask in her article, “What are the things that women cannot do because they are women?” MTV movie awards moved to one single category for best actor. Is that progress? Are we in a post-gender era?

Our April circle meeting was a small but mighty gathering at Pilgrim School. Thank you to Julia for hosting and providing yummy snacks. After introductions we discussed what we might want to “say yes to” more often, inspired by Shonda Rhimes’ Ted talk (and book). Shonda decided to say yes to things that scared her (slowing down to play, public speaking). She embraced these risks because her work stopped making her feel the hum or creative flow it previously had. Perhaps it was how tired we all seemed to be, just two days back in the swing of things post spring break, but we instead landed on longing to say no to more things. With the elusive work/life balance occupying a permanent place on my own goal list, I too had a hard time agreeing with Shonda’s thesis. However, in the course of our conversation, we reframed the idea of saying no to some things as saying yes to self-care or breathing space. A strategic “no thank you” may give way to time to think, exercise or read for pleasure. 

One of the discussion questions that hit home for me was thinking about times in our careers when it stopped feeling satisfying and started to feel “dusty.” Our group shared a few examples of those rough times and how we each found ways forward to new phases or repaired relationships. Like Shonda, taking risks, such as applying for a new job or trying a new approach at work, help forge out of the “dusty” time and back toward the hum.  

Finally, our discussion about what parts of our jobs feel “dreamy” also resonated. For me what feels dreamy is framing everything we do in the context of caring for the student experience. Teaching, counseling, coaching even assessment, feels more connected and purposeful, when viewed from the lens of a student. How might an activity feel for a shy 8th grader in my math class? How might a conversation about placement feel for an ambitious high school student? Developing my own sense of empathy for students makes my job feel bigger than just teaching math. We who are doing the work of school are helping to raise kids alongside their families. This is a responsibility and a privilege worth making thoughtful choices in the classroom, and helps fuel my passion for teaching. 

I am feeling thankful for circle - I will always say yes to spending time discussing teaching, learning and leading with such thoughtful, interesting educators.

Women in Leadership Circle met again on Monday evening at Campbell Hall School. A big thank you to Marina Kheel, for hosting and providing a lovely spread of snacks. 

We began our conversation by with Speed Stories; 2 minute introductions in which each person shares their their journey to education and leadership. I think it is important to know your story and the ability to tell it succinctly, allows you to know what parts are truly important. Brevity also allows you to tell people who are before their attention span dwindles. It was fascinating to learn a bit about everyone’s path. I learned that I need to polish my speed story both for content and time. Everytime I share my story, it gives me a chance to reflect both on which experiences have influenced my practice and helps me to recommit myself to my profession.

As we were sharing, I noticed that the stories were resonating because the person sharing was doing so from a place of vulnerability and authenticity. Sharing stories and experiences seems key for leading with vulnerability.

Our conversation focused on Brene Brown’s idea of how vulnerability relates to leadership. Her article and Ted Talk were excellent resources.

Here are our discussion questions:

• Brene defines a Leader as “anyone who holds her- or himself accountable for finding potential in people and processes.” 

  • → What processes do you rely on?

• Brene wrote, “Do we have the courage to show up, be seen, take risks, ask for help, own our mistakes, learn from failure, lean into joy, and can we support the people around us in doing the same?” 

  • → Can you remember a time when a leader demonstrated vulnerability? How did it impact you or the community?

• What are the risks of vulnerability? What is scary about vulnerability?

• “We use invulnerability as a shield to protect us from discomfort, anxiety, and self-doubt...perfecting, pretending, and pleasing…” 

  • → When has the desire to perfect, pretend or please held you back?

• Vulnerability means asking questions, being open to being wrong. How might we bring this quality to leading?

• Whole hearted People who are connectors have sense of belonging because they believe they’re worthy of love and belonging, but how do we start the cycle? What gets in the way? 

October 23, 16

We met at Sequoyah School, again in the rain. Our conversation was focused on the Badaracco’s idea of Quiet Leadership. Quiet leaders are practical, realistic, and patient. They acknowledge limitations and work behind the scenes. They “address serious problems and live by their values, but without damaging their careers and reputations.” Most often they abide by “preparation, caution, care, and attention to detail are usually the best approach to important, demanding challenges.”

• Quiet leaders are realistic about what can and can’t happen in an organization. They are ready to react to things going crazy or in their favor. They are neither naive or cynical, they see organizations as flexible and make room for unexpected outcomes.

  •  Question: Describe some limitations of organizations that prohibit the ideal from occurring.  How might the perspective of the quiet leader help/hinder dealing with those limitations?

• Quiet leaders are “well aware of their own self-interest, and they worked hard to protect their reputations and careers.” Often their motivations are mixed - a balance of considering the greater good and self-interest.

  • Question: We work for nonprofit organizations whose missions are to improve the lives and educations of children. When is it okay to work in our own self-interest? When must the greater good take precedence?

• Quiet leaders aren’t in a rush to make decisions, knowing that time allows for people to “discuss their situations with others and think things through on their own. Time gives people a chance to assess their real obligations and gives sound instincts a chance to emerge. It lets them observe and learn, look for patterns, understand some of the many, subtle ways in which individuals and events interact, and look for small, subtle opportunities in the flow of events.”

  • Question: Do we always have time on our side?

• In another article by the author, he asserted that quiet leaders tend to stay and fight rather than leave organizations looking for better options. 

  • Question: When have you been faced with the dilemma of when to try to work towards change and when to look for new opportunities?

• Is this work more difficult for women or well suited for women? What are the gender stereotypes we have to overcome to lead in this way?

• Talk about a quiet leading fail. 

September 22, 16 

We met at Harvard-Westlake Upper school and continued using The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, but chose the chapter on Living a Life of Play and Rest. 

• Given both the pace of the school day and the typical parent community that seeks out independent schools, is it possible to to leave work at work?

• Which of our hobbies actually constitute play? What types of things do you like to do that are play?

• How might an improvisational spirit change our mindsets at work? In what ways might we insert improv?

• The chapter talks a lot about including play in the work day. The idea of work-life balance seems to imply that play is part of the life (outside of the workplace). How might amending our concept of work to include play, laughter and rest improve our overall work-life balance?

• Are we modeling the behaviors we want for our students re stress management, sleep, exercise? What might have to change for this to happen?

• What is currently making us feel pushed to work harder? What is causing us stress at work that is impeding play and rest? Is anyone willing to try an exercise from pg 221?

• How might we laugh more in faculty meetings?

One of my favorite workshops that I faithfully attend every year is CATDC’s Women in Leadership. It is invigorating to spend the day in a room filled with educators, passionate about leading schools.

It is a day away from our normal routines, to spend time listening to stories of reinvention, connecting with like minded educators and reflecting on personal growth. At the end of the day last year, I was a bit sad because I didn’t want that energy to dissipate upon returning to work. 

Before leaving, I chatted with Carol Swainson, awesome educator and one of the panelists. We found that we felt the same way about not wanting to wait a year to feel the feels again. We agreed to stay in touch and try to bring people together sooner. We emailed the attendees, chose a location and a topic and Women’s Leadership Circle was born.

The goal for Women’s Leadership Circle is to have an opportunity to continue the conversations started at the workshop. We want to create a space for women in independent schools to talk about leadership by facilitating conversations, perhaps framed by articles, videos, books or topics in popular culture, in a group where all members are committed to growth and helping each other to grow. We also want meetings to be fun. To that end, there is always snacks and wine.

After Carol moved back to the Bay Area to head K-8 at Bentley School, my friend Azizi Williams, Assistant Head of School at Sequoyah School, agreed to be my partner in facilitating the meetings. 

While there are about fifty educators on our mailing list, we typically have a small gathering of 7 - 10 women. We would love if more people would join us, but we are sensitive to the many demands on our time. Between work, after school events, family, self-care and LA traffic, we know it is difficult to imagine squeezing one more event into the calendar. Also, despite the drought, we have a remarkable gift for picking rainy days for our meetings. Hence our philosophy: come if can, no guilt if you can’t!

Here is a recap of what we discussed at the meetings we have had so far:

Meeting #1 - April 2, 16

We met at R+D (Rubies and Diamonds in mid-city (in the rain). Our conversation centered on mentorship.

• Who inspired you to pursue a leadership role? Who mentored you? Who continues to inspire you?  How have these people shaped your philosophy for leadership?

• “...if you become a teacher, by your pupils you’ll be taught.” Often we have a symbiotic relationship with our students, as they learn from our example, they also inspire us to be true to ourselves. In your experience, how do you see your path to leadership as modeling for students? 

• Recommended Article: Women and work. The system is broken, so how can we fix it?

Meeting #2 - May 16, 16

We met at EVO Kitchen in West Hollywood. We used the chapter on gossip from The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership to inspire our conversation. Right off, the book’s definition of gossip was a challenging and interesting topic for discussion: “It is not gossip if the statements can pass this two part test: Is there any negative intent? Would you be willing to speak directly and in exactly in the same way to the person?” 

• How do you agree or disagree with the book’s definition of gossip?

• What is one nugget you will take away from the chapter?

• When is eliminating gossip difficult for you?

• Is it gossip if the person you are speaking of hurt you? Or is talking about the person really a way to make the other wrong and gain validation? What is the difference between venting and gossip?