Setting Boundaries

What is a boundary? Simply put, a boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin and the other person ends. Think of it like the fence around your yard.

Why are boundaries important? Setting boundaries makes the other person aware that their intentions are not welcome.

Setting boundaries is not easy; it takes courage, practice, support, and discipline. Below are some tips for mastering the skill of setting boundaries.

Identify Feelings – Direct Permission – Self Support – Assertively Start

Identify. Identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits so you know where you stand. Consider the things or acts that you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed.

Feelings. Be aware of your feelings. Two key feelings people experience when a boundary is crossed: discomfort and resentment. Think of them on a scale from 1 to 10. When you are on the higher end of the scale, you stop to ask yourself why? What is causing this? Resentment is often a sign that we are pushing ourselves too far because we feel guilty and want to be a good daughter, wife, friend, co-worker, etc. Other times, someone else is imposing their expectations on us. When someone acts in such a way where you feel uncomfortable, that is a sign they are violating or crossing your boundary.

Direct. Be direct. So there is no confusion, you must be clear and direct about your boundaries. “Don’t come any closer”, “Stop”, “No”, “Leave me alone” are examples of setting those boundaries.

Permission. Give yourself permission. Fear, guilt, and self-doubt take away from our ability to set boundaries. Fear of the other person’s reaction to our effort to set and enforce boundaries. Guilt for voicing our concern or simple saying “NO”. Self-doubt because we wonder if we are even worthy of boundaries. Give yourself permission to put you first, recognize your feeling and honor them. Boundaries are a sign of self-respect so give yourself permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.

Self. Practice self-awareness. Setting boundaries is about fine tuning your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself becoming relaxed in enforcing those boundaries, ask yourself why?

Support. Seek support. It is important to practice setting boundaries together and hold each other accountable.

Assertively. Assertively communicate. Be assertive. Creating boundaries is one thing, following through is another? As much as we like to think so, people cannot read our mind. Since people cannot read your mind, you must be assertive in communicating to them they crossed a boundary. Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice.

Start. Start small. If you have never set boundaries before, it can be a little intimidating. Starting small is less threatening. You can increase, incrementally to more challenging boundaries by building upon your success.

How to Avoid Physical Confrontation

Although action movies make fighting look cool and sexy, it isn’t. In reality, things are violent, ugly, and extremely dangerous. The best self-defense is to peacefully diffuse a volatile situation and to avoid physical force altogether unless it’s absolutely necessary to defend yourself. Below are some tips for mastering the skill of avoiding physical confrontations.

Control – Distance – Defend Yourself

Control. Anger, panic, fear, and frustration are all emotions everyone experiences and in most cases causes people to fall apart and get so angry or scared they can’t think clearly about what is happening. This is all the more reason walking away is the best option; to cool down and think clearly. Take a deep breath to keep calm, think clearly, and maintain control of your emotions.

Distance. Create physical distance. The other person is likely as angry or afraid as you are and this makes things volatile. By stepping back or walking away, you make the first effort to not engage any further in fighting. Keep your distance. If the other person moves closer, move away again.

Talk. Assess whether talking will work. In many cases, emotions are just too heightened for a discussion; however, if it seems that talking might work, invite them to talk instead of fight. This is a good opportunity to acknowledge the other persons anger or frustration in ways that show you are paying full attention to their grievance.

-Ignore the insults or negative comments. This is to be expected and you should be ready for it. These are the last efforts of an angry person who is trying to start a fight and justify their assault. Recognize these comments for what they are and don't personalize them, ignore them.

-Avoid escalating an argument. The important thing is to avoid fighting, not arguing points about the disagreement. Never insult or become angry with this person. Just stay calm and do your best to convince them that fighting is not a beneficial way to resolve the issue.

-If talking fails, turn away and leave. Remember there is no shame in running away; you did your best to resolve the issue responsibly. Walking away from a fight doesn't determine that you're a coward it determines that you're mature and thinking responsibly. Above all, remind yourself the alternatives could be much worse. Remember what's important to you and how a fight could impact your life.

-Be careful when you try to walk away. If the other person is very angry, they may simply attack you from behind. When walking away, face the person to prevent them from attacking you from behind or any sight unseen. Back away, keep an eye on the person and only turn to actually leave when it is safe to do so, such as in the doorway or getting into your car, etc. Glance back now and then while seeking to defuse the situation, to check for potential escape routes. Do not turn your head as you look behind you.

Defend Yourself. Prepare to defend yourself. Keep eye contact and be mindful of their hands. Discuss the problem and apologize for anything you have caused, even if you're right. While attempting to defuse the situation, it is important to keep your hands in a defensible yet non-aggressive position. Be ready to block sucker punches to your face or body, but not in a "fighting stance".

-Use the "prayer position": With both palms pressed together at chest level.

-Use the "I'm thinking" position: With a hand on your chin/head.

-Use the "stay back" position: Hands facing your aggressor palms outward at chest level.

Remember; try to seem natural while you do this. Keep protected at all times.

The concepts listed above should all be a working part of any self-defense based class, as well as a part of everyday life. Through this you can gain confidence from knowing more ways to handle potentially bad situations. The Women’s Combat Alliance believes that confidence gained will have a positive impact on all aspects of your life and your self-image.