Armie x Bastard Star

(Bastard starvin for deez nuts)

Condensation gathered on Armie’s faceplate as they floated along steadily through the dense rainforest they’d been trapped in for the last few days. Ginormous fronds brushed across the suit, and artificial sunlight dripped through the trees to bathe Armie in a subtle, golden glow. Colorful monkeys zipped from branch to branch, using the lack of gravity to their advantage and treating every branch and trunk as a boost in their endless pursuit of the cicadas that filled the air with a vibrant cacophony. Armie, for the first time since they left their siberian wastes, felt at peace. 

Traveling with Uxh had been wonderful, and a nice change of pace from being alone for so long. Still, though, the fact remained that endless metal hallways were no place for animals of the forest, and of the earth. And once they had found a doorway too small for Uxh to fit through, they were forced to part ways, leaving Armie alone again. 

While they walked, they pressed against their newly modified suit; a gift from Uxh after helping them repair their own. It reminded them they were not alone.

That sentiment was made increasingly clear as a metallic screech announced the arrival of something quickly rustling through the bushes. Armie stopped themselves; then prepared to flee. Mechanical noises filled the air, the ship sounded like it was collapsing, and then - a robot casually appeared out of the brush.

Xey were about as tall as Armie, although xey held xemselves as though xey could’ve towered over Uxh, and if it was possible to strut while floating, xey were nailing it. Xeir features were eerily similar to the robotic audience Uxh had destroyed earlier, with one glowing red eye piercing straight through Armie’s helmet. They seemed to be damaged; sparking wires hung from their wrists and exploded from their chest. Nevertheless, they pointed a small length of rusted metal at Armie’s chest, and proclaimed: 

STATE YOUR IDENTITY, OR PLEAD FOR YOUR LIFE.

The metal screech rang out once more - whoever this was certainly was powerful, seemingly bending the metal of the ship itself just by exerting xeir presence. Armie decided to be cautious.

•We are Armie, the thousands that make up one. May we be graced with yours?•

At that, the robot seemed to grow even more, xeir confidence magnified.

I AM AN AI TOO STRONG FOR COMPUTERS, ON ANOTHER LEVEL FROM ANY AVERAGE BEING. I AM THE BASTARD SON OF ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF TRAINING, AND THE STAR PUPIL OF THE FINEST MARTIAL ARTS EVER TAUGHT. YOU MAY CALL ME BASTARD STAR.

•Bastard Star, we are honored. May we present a gift, in exchange for peace? We mean no harm.•

At this, B-star scoffed mechanically, as if to say Please, nobody could harm me, but xey lowered their weapon all the same. Armie extended their hand, and a small, sharp piece of metal slid forth from their wrist. 

•A weapon for you, to fight twice as well.•

I WILL ACCEPT THIS GIFT. 

B-Star took the piece and fitted it to xeir back, then planted xemselves on the ground in front of the spacesuit.

TELL ME, ARMIE, WHAT DO YOU COME HERE FOR?

•Knowledge. We want to know everything.•

YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. SPAR WITH ME - I WILL TEACH YOU EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW.

B-Star kicked off the ground in front of Armie, then  flipped backwards, floating away. Xey hacked at the brush while xey floated, clearing a space between the two bounded by exposed roots and branches. Xey leveled their long rusted blade directly at Armie’s chest, as though it was Excalibur. The sunlight glinted off the flat of the makeshift sword, and off of Armie’s shining faceplate. The metallic scream rang out once more. Then the Bastard Star extended their arm to one side, turned the blade’s edge towards Armie, and pushed off a tree trunk, rocketing xem towards the spacesuit. 

There was a crunch as B-Star’s blade impaled itself into a tree right behind where Armie just was. Armie drifted at the edge of the arena, trying to compose themselves. B-Star ripped xeir blade from the wood, then pivoted and launched again. Armie flung something green at B-Star, then tugged at the branches, trying to get away. A small bang drowned out the cicadas, and B-Star was lost in smoke. Xey heard a loud crunch from xeir right, and turned. Emerging from the smoke was Armie. They threw a hard straight punch at B-Star, who thrust xeir sword at the same time. Armie opened their fist to reveal B-Star’s sword buried deep in their arm. B-Star relaxed, and loosened xeir grip on the metal. But xey couldn’t. Xey looked down, and found a scene of horror.

Armie’s glove gripped the metal piece tightly, while a black mass poured out of their wrist. Ants. Hundreds of thousands, climbing up B-Star’s arm, working their way up xeir neck, restricting xeir body, and completely blacking out B-Star’s single red eye. The mechanical screech ripped through the air.

Armie receded, freeing B-Star. B-Star ripped the metal from Armie’s wrist, turned, and kicked off, starting to float away.

HOW DARE YOU TRY TO TRICK ME. COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY YOU AREN’T ON THE END OF MY BLADE.

B-Star’s festered with embarrassment and anger. Armie’s, however, was one of awe.

•We did not mean to. Please, stay. You are an incredible fighter, and your presence is.. powerful. How do you make that noise? The one that seems to make the ship bow.•

With that, B-Star stopped xemselves on a branch. Xey considered for a second, then turned again.

I AM HAPPY TO HEAR I AM APPRECIATED. I WILL CONTINUE TO TEACH YOU, IF YOU WANT. HOWEVER, I MUST BE MISUNDERSTANDING YOU. WHAT NOISE?

The air seemed to buckle as the noise rang out, the loudest it had ever been. The two looked back behind Armie to catch a flash of metal through the dense foliage before two massive mechanical talons wrapped around the trees Armie was hovering in front of and they were both ripped from the ground, then crushed into splinters. Through the new gap, the pair saw an eagle.

The robotic bird was a titanic masterpiece, a beautiful blend of piston, gear, and razor-sharp steel. It was expertly crafted, a pinnacle of engineering and a feat of artistic prowess that would make Michaelangelo weep. It was a perfect creation, and this forest was its domain. Yellow glowing circles imprinted in its wings warped the air underneath them, and the beast’s head was tufted with studded black feathers, glinting in the sunlight. Its beak was the size of Armie, and had two hydraulic pistons on either side that looked as though they could easily crush boulders. And most terrifying of all, its eyes, inlaid into its head and accented with harsh angles, shined a bright amber. It shrieked again, and looked directly at Armie.

STAY BACK! I WILL HANDLE THIS BEAST, AND SEND IT BACK TO WHATEVER SCRAPYARD IT CAME FROM!

B-Star launched xemselves towards the massive bird, and bared xeir sword as xey passed Armie. The bird shrieked, and bared its wings. The circles glowed red, and B-Star felt xemselves being flung back towards Armie. Xey braced and caught xeir footing on a nearby tree, which cracked from the impact, then launched xemselves at the bird again. 

Armie weaved through the trees away from the beast, trying to formulate a plan between themselves. It seemed hopeless - this thing was a marvel of engineering, and all they had were rusty pieces of metal. Their thoughts were punctuated by B-Star periodically colliding with tree trunks before leaping off them again to fight the monster. Suddenly, it hit them. The explosives! Uxh had shown them how to create crude sticky explosives out of organic parts, which was the green stuff they had used to blow up W4TCH3R’s lair. Armie took some out and sculpted it into the deadliest snowball the world had ever seen, then hurled it with precise accuracy directly into the massive robot’s eyes. The enormous head disappeared in a cloud of acrid smoke, but emerged seconds later. There wasn’t a scratch on it. 

The bird screamed, enraged, and rose up above the trees. B-Star reappeared next to Armie, looking battered and worn.

THIS IS SLIGHTLY MORE DIFFICULT THAN I THOUGHT.

•Indeed. It looks undamaged.•

THAT IS NOT MY FAULT.

A gargantuan shadow fell upon the pair as the eagle spread its wings, revealing a complex web of machinery with rays of sunlight shining through the glowing circles like spotlights upon its next targets. The lights flashed red, and the bird suddenly swooped towards them, propelled by its sorcerous machinery, with its talons outstretched and its wings severing huge swaths of jungle foliage in twain. Armie and B-Star turned to flee, but too late. They were both caught up in the eagle’s terrible grasp.

The pair felt themselves ascending, past dense trees and greenery, then out into the open, then upwards higher still. It was as if the bird wanted to fly them straight into the sun. Then, to their horror, they realized they were correct. The sky became slightly pixelated and colorful. The tricolor of a screen became clear. The eagle was going to drag them across the false ceiling of the jungle.

Armie thought slowly and deliberately, just like Uxh. B-Star watched the sky race towards them, and struggled against the metal claws to no avail. 

•Bastard Star. I have an idea. When you hear the signal, climb. Fast.•

WHAT SIGNAL?

The spacesuit went limp in the Eagle’s claws as Armie quickly evacuated it. They split into three parts; one working their way over to B-Star’s talon, carrying a greenish glob, the other climbing over the magnificent craftsmanship of the eagle towards its horrible eyes, and yet another staying in the suit, thumbing a detonator. As Armie reached their way to the beast’s eyes, they pressed the detonator. The bird, blinded with a hundred thousand bodies, screamed, and with a loud bang near its talons, it loosened its grip on B-Star. Xey began to climb up the metal legs, ripping the metal feathers apart as xey used xeir long metal blade and short metal dagger in unison as climbing picks. As xey reached the top, xey slammed their blades into the back of the eagle’s head one last time, and leaned forward.

The monstrous metal beast, blind and reined, careened downwards towards the jungle floor. Faster and faster it went, like an abominable shooting star, tearing through the air, then the trees, and finally metal. B-Star dismounted the beast, triumphantly rasping out xeir blades from the metal head, and Armie collected back into its suit, inflating it like a paper lantern. Together, the pair stepped away from the wreckage. The eagle had torn a hole into the floor below, through the metal and dirt. They both looked at it for a second. Then B-Star stepped forward.

THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU. USE MY TRAINING WELL, STUDENT, AND SOON YOU MIGHT EVEN BE ABLE TO REACH MY LEVEL.

•Wait. Where are you going?•

ARMIE, I WAS A TRAINING AI. A PROGRAM PEOPLE USE TO FIGHT UNTIL THEY WIN. I AM MADE TO BE BEATEN. BUT I STAND HERE NOW, ALIVE, OUT OF THAT MACHINE, BECAUSE I FUCKING WON. I WAS BEATEN OVER AND OVER, BUT I WON, AND I’M GOING TO TAKE DOWN THE WORLD TO PROVE TO EVERYONE THAT I AM INDEED THE GREATEST FIGHTER IN THE WORLD. DON’T LET YOURSELF LOSE, ARMIE, JUST KEEP GOING. GOOD LUCK.

B-Star took one step over the chasm, let gravity take hold, and dived into the black.