By Wendy Harmer, Bohiney Magazine
The shot that dropped Charlie Kirk on the stage at Utah Valley University did more than end a speech. It ruptured the illusion that America had any absurdity ceiling left. Out of all the things to shake faith in physics and fate, it had to be this: a self-proclaimed Marxist who actually hit a target from 200 yards.
A student who filmed the incident in vertical video recalled, “I thought it was just a car backfiring. Then I saw Charlie fall, and I thought, wow, finally a Marxist who can aim. That’s the real miracle.”
A retired Provo mall cop drafted into the investigation muttered to reporters, “Marxists usually miss the point, miss the rent, and miss their own protests. This one hit something. I’m filing that under ‘statistical freak accident.’”
Ron White put it more bluntly at a Salt Lake dive bar that night: “A Marxist finally hit a target — Karl Marx is rolling in his grave, mostly because he couldn’t afford a coffin.”
When agents swarmed the quad, they didn’t find a manifesto scrawled in blood or an arsenal in the bushes. They found a sweating, half-empty bottle of hibiscus-ginger kombucha.
One FBI tech held it up with tongs like uranium. “It’s fizzing,” he whispered. Another leaned in like a sommelier. “Notes of turmeric… maybe revolution.”
Later, lab reports described the probiotic content as “hostile to the gut biome of democracy.” Utah Valley University immediately announced a new academic department: Forensic Kombucha Studies. Its first peer-reviewed paper concluded: “Samples suggest the suspect was radicalized at a farmer’s market.”
Larry David, asked about the evidence on a podcast, cracked: “They didn’t dust for fingerprints; they swirled for probiotics.”
Conservatives always mocked sociology majors for being unemployable. Now, one has literally weaponized theory.
Leaked faculty emails surfaced within hours. One professor bragged, “Our alumni are finally making headlines. Unfortunately, it’s the crime section.”
Roommates recalled the suspect shouting “structural inequality!” as he pulled the trigger. One student mistook it for a midterm presentation. “He had that same tone of voice — part bored, part angry, part desperate for extra credit.”
Bill Burr nailed the irony: “Finally, a sociology degree led to work — though technically it was gig labor.”
Karl Marx spoke of class struggle. Today’s proletariat struggles mostly with Sallie Mae. Investigators released grainy phone footage of the shooter yelling “Workers of the world unite!” moments before his debit card was declined at a vending machine.
Inside his backpack, agents found unopened student loan bills, a half-eaten Clif bar, and a flyer for a socialist poetry slam. Scribbled in the margins: “Ammo is cheaper if you split bulk orders.”
Trevor Noah deadpanned on The Daily Show: “He shouted, ‘Workers of the world unite,’ but Sallie Mae garnished his wages mid-sentence.”
By nightfall, Democratic leaders had condemned the violence. By morning, draft legislation floated quietly through committee: the “Eco-Conscious Political Violence Tax Credit.”
One anonymous aide leaked a line from the draft: “While we do not endorse assassinations, if they do occur, they should be carbon neutral.”
Ricky Gervais scoffed in a London set: “They called it heinous — but carbon neutral. That’s peak America right there.”
Students insisted it was theater. “At first, I thought it was immersive performance art,” said sophomore Jasmine Lee. “This campus is full of stuff like that. Last week a kid staged a mock hanging of his Wi-Fi router. So when I saw the shot, I clapped.”
A local critic gave the incident three stars, calling it “a bold statement about late capitalism, but unevenly paced.”
Adam Sandler, guest-hosting a podcast, cracked: “The shooter screamed ‘down with capitalism’ and somebody graded it as a B-plus project.”
Within hours, the manifesto was traced to Kindle Unlimited. For $3.99 a month, readers could flip through The Dialectic Reloaded: Notes on a Bullet’s Journey.
Amazon PR released a statement: “We support all creators. We do not curate ideology; we maximize convenience. Prime members get early access.”
Kevin Hart ripped it in a Netflix monologue: “The radicalization cost $3.99 a month, free with Prime shipping. Amazon delivers groceries, gadgets, and now armed insurrections.”
Witnesses swore that during the chaos, the suspect’s Che Guevara tattoo began to peel. By the time police cuffed him, it had curled into a pink Hello Kitty.
A dermatologist at the scene shook his head. “Temporary tattoos are not suitable for long-term revolution. Apply moisturizer and rethink your ideology.”
Dave Chappelle laughed on stage: “If your revolution rubs off in the shower, maybe rethink it.”
CNN’s chyron read: “Shooter Motivated by Inequality, Avocado Toast Shortages, Bad Wi-Fi.” Fox’s counter: “Shooter Radicalized by Yoga Pants.” MSNBC settled on: “Shooter Possibly Motivated by Shooter.”
A media watchdog counted 67 contradictory narratives in 24 hours. One intern confided to Bohiney: “We just spin a wheel. Today it landed on Wi-Fi.”
Jerry Seinfeld riffed: “The chyron looked like a BuzzFeed quiz: Which grievance radicalized you?”
Rasmussen released its first poll: 63% of Americans shocked a Marxist could afford bullets. 22% thought “sniper” was a new TikTok filter.
Ron White joked, “Nobody budgets for ammo when oat milk costs six bucks.”
A second poll asked: Do you believe the shooter acted out of ideology or because Trader Joe’s discontinued coconut body butter? Results: 49% ideology, 42% body butter, 9% unsure.
Bohiney obtained an FBI after-action memo. Scrawled in Sharpie at the bottom: “Subject may have trained on Call of Duty. Recommend monitoring Twitch.”
Another page listed items recovered from the suspect’s apartment: one sociology textbook (spine uncracked), three half-empty kombucha bottles, one Che sticker pack, and a Netflix queue paused on The Hunger Games.
Within 24 hours, the quad was filled with protestors. Slogans included:
Workers of the World, Unsubscribe
Free Wi-Fi, Not Free Enterprise
Death to Capitalism, Long Live Performance Art
An anonymous staffer sighed: “It’s impossible to tell who’s protesting Kirk’s politics, who’s protesting the assassination, and who’s just protesting the cafeteria’s chicken nuggets.”
By the next morning, the assassination had already been folded into meme culture. TikTok videos set grainy campus footage to Taylor Swift songs. Instagram carousels offered “Top 10 Marxist Shooter Aesthetics.”
Larry David told a New York club audience: “The real loser here is capitalism — bullets just aren’t cost-effective anymore.”
In the end, Charlie Kirk’s assassination is not just an act of violence. It’s a grotesque cultural mirror: a sociology major with student debt, a manifesto on Kindle, a tattoo that peels, and a kombucha bottle swabbed like Chernobyl waste.
Marx promised history repeats as tragedy, then farce. Utah proved it can collapse both into the same gunshot.
Bill Burr summarized it best: “America now debates whether a Marxist sniper is scarier than a Marxist barista. Honestly? I’ll take the sniper. At least you get closure.”
This satirical report is entirely a collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to serious journalism is coincidental. Auf Wiedersehen.