it starts at 20 something.

i started my experiments with mind altering drugs.

in my case i don't mean

coffee and cigarettes.

at the bottom there was an interest to oriental philosophies and shamanism and some weird new age shit.

it shaped my own thought process, attitude and perspective about metaphysics to something, in which the only value and thing that matter was finding some way from my mind to universes timeless archives, where i thought was everything that exists.

place where every point meets.

Vault of pure energy which weaves our

existence

i thought that being an rational human was a barrier that made it impossible for me to go deep enough in to my mind to find the path to the universe and it's well of infinite knowledge.

at that point i thought that universe feeds sub consciousness archaic and esoteric information which had to be translated from images, dreams and symbols in more understandable form.

there really wasn't words in that soup.

it was like: thought, universe, sub consciousness, consciousness, images, thought, sub consciousness, dreams then mind and interpretation.

so secrets to unveil.

through painting.

like wizards, conjuring spells on canvas to make something out of abstract visions from nothingness .

from the abyss of emptiness.

painter extends his tentacles of perception to see the antipodes, the hidden, mysterious and dark places in cosmic labyrinth

world without rules or static constructs made by rationality and logic entity.

from there you can get an energy of inspiration and creation , using intuition as a compass to navigate through things you have learn.

to unlearn

to not let that old way of thinking , shrink it back to something familiar.

killing it's true purpose to show new angles to experience the ways of imagination

using your same old type of vision and techniques to get it to visible art form. instead of finding a way to somehow weave that strange and shapeless cloud of potentiality to something unfamiliar and new.

that was the way for me to get the ultimate wisdom and knowledge.

it was fantastic illusion to think that there would be some definitive truths. that would give us the fulfillment of the soul and purpose to our existence.

that way of looking at things was kind of childlike and innocent wonder.

without the influence of fear corrupted world of

thinking

and boredom of the mind and soul.

i did not need anything from the materialistic world,

except every kind of psychedelic medicine that came to my way.

i don't call psychedelic substances as drugs, because, if used correctly, a way of transport to different type of worlds and unknown realities that are overlapping with our own.

it's hard to see those things without help and guidance from mind altering chemicals.

but if you see even a glimpse of that different way of existence

enhanced perception of your conscious mind.

you realize the possibilities of your mushy human brain.

But before that.

i had to learn how to paint and how to travel in my sub consciousness, with my mind coherent.

so i could observe and explore and bring back something, as an experiment which i selected consciously.

it's a paradox.

it gets weirder, i came to that conclusion that first i had to let go the rational and logic aspects.

So i started learning painting, teaching my self.

it wasn't really even about art, except that art is the stage for my abstract construction.

i didn't need art lessons because it wasn't about learning some technique that narrows the possibilities of what you can even express with it.

it was to learn how to bring an abstract idea from sub consciousness and put it in visual form on canvas by any means currently available at your disposal.

getting it closer to reality.

in the most ideal way art is an exploration without conscious or specific agenda or direction.

at least it was back then, now days i don't have any problems to just paint something with a vision or a plan or just,

what thinking about some word brings in to the light.

where was i.....

yes, well the rational and logical mind, those qualities were strongly attached in to my brain.

good qualities when you need anchor for keeping sanity from running away.

except if you need insanity to brake the shackles of the world that inhibits your abilities with static dogmas.

but i learnt how to compartmentalize and put those aside.

I had very flexible mind and ability to think my way out of any dark labyrinths.

and,

or conflicts between different realities, imaginary worlds and dimensions that might surface from the methods i chose to use,

which might cause some confusion about the basic reality

that place where you buy toilet paper before going to shit

and the place with other flesh and blood,

human looking people.

jump down in to the rabbit hole.

PART 2

Guide line to the way and philosophy about The method i used to transform my mind and psyche so i would be capable to survive this path.

came from a man with the fire to burn down illusions.

to make some sense of this kingdom which we fight and kill over...

just to rule a meaningless spec of matter. ................... Nietzsche.

his book was born in the mind that got to fly one perfect flight on the wings of concentrated inspiration and vision...

book that holds piece of the essence of pure idea.....

the path that leads you through metamorphosis of the spirit.

it could help raise the level of awareness.

story which remained clear about it's own metaphysical meaning.

from start to finish.

even thought it probably came from manic mind of man who just was born in the wrong century.

wrong time and space to be equipped with a brain, that holds vision of methods for a way to understand and get direction to a path, that leads to enlightenment. and clarity in the confusing similarities between macro and micro cosmos.

he died insane and misunderstood.

benefactor to a chance of evolution of human beings to something that gets us out of our destructive obsession to hold on to our egos, which are programmed by negative feelings and past filled with disappointing experiences warped by simplified psychology born from ego driven primates.

flexible mind and way of thinking.

to admit that you probably don't know shit about anything.

like socrates said: only thing i know for sure, is that i don't know.

and also

expanding my skill set to intentionally widen my window of perception.

it is not easy to do.

my long term plan and goal was to destroy my old essence and psyche. whole package that was named Petri Hilden.

and become a psychonaut.

an explorer of the universe, that is known as human mind.

no point of doing it half ass'd.

humans have explored the world and died doing it.

because it was considered to be important and worth it.

i think it's worth the risk to go deep in to questioning your beliefs and perception of everything and whole existence.

i don't recommend my way, because i didn't care how it ends.

also twenty years of drinking booze without any control over it. and other drugs that ain't useful in the long run.

i got to use psychedelics about for years without any other substances

and not by reading instructions about how to be more of something an top of something else.

a pyramid of past lives and their package

psyche and the way you have build it to get you through life, deserves a real hard scrutinizing.

if you are just barely holding your reality together, you might just as well.

tear it down and try build a inner world that helps you enjoy life.

and being conscious entity.

you have to be self aware all the time or you lose your self in the dead zone of hopelessness and in a feeling of super existential blindness.

i didn't have that deep understanding or a vision about the whole concept of self observing.

maybe i took bit to lightly about using madness, real clinical insanity as the vehicle to some esoteric secrets about metaphysical dilemmas. and evolve as a painter to something supernatural creator and unveiling the backstage of cosmic theater. space behind the scene.

i know that this sounds ridiculously megalomaniac illusion of importance of the way of art.

but still i partly think it's the only way of seeing in places where science can't get. for example a black holes event horizon is out of reach for scientist, but artist can use imagination with intuition as the way to get some connection to the source of universes archives of information about everything there is to know. everything about cosmic events.

megalomaniac attitude helped me to really go deep in to this whole thing.

loose all of that self doubt.

jump in the unknown territory with both feet in.

like captain Picard said about the final frontier, is that the deep space or deep trip to human mind.

so acceptance possibility of early death and mental illnesses of every kind, all the way to psychosis and long term problems.

and the loneliness because the actual expedition is trying to learn what is in your mind.

in the deep end of your essentia in this existence.

i took this whole thing overly seriously.

OCD, bipolar disorder and ADHD gave me the energy to go over the top and beyond in everything i was interested about.

and forget everything else.

and everybody.

i were interested only about learning about handling the brush and how paint act on canvas. the basics of painting to invent my own way of using those tools of creation and bringing the abstract in to concrete form and visually to examine the scenes of the inside brain constructed labyrinth of weirdness.

it's just so strange how your own mind is as big of a mystery as the universe itself, even thought you live with it 24\7.

it was so much FUN!!!

i got deep and diverse way to express thoughts about everything.

....... and to wonder and contemplate life using canvas as a stage. it's like writing stories, only the words are constructs of pictures of a larger concepts and hold more information which you have to decipher,

making notes and working to solve a puzzle.

meaning in my life and most of the time i was surprised, about the topics and visual look of painting and techniques i chose to use.