My experience with domestic violence lasted for almost 36 years. My first memories started as early as 4 years old laying on the hospital bed receiving stitches to my forehead for an injury caused by two of my sisters. Over the years of growing up I witnessed countless times of my father punching my mother, yelling at her, slapping her face, throwing her against the walls or to the floor. This is all I knew and thought this was a normal family life.
My brothers and sisters became the same as my parents towards me. I was smacked around, burnt with lighters and fireworks and tortured daily. If they had to babysit me, it meant tying me down to a bed and leaving me there for hours. I had rope burns where they tried to hang me, I have had broken bones, thrown down stairs and other torturess events when I tried to escape their wrath.
I had a favorite secret hiding place which was an old car in the back yard that had no motor. I put some cardboard where the motor brackets were and a blanket and would crawl under into this area and could lay there dreaming of a different life and no one could find me hiding there.
For years I had no bedroom to call mine, just an old army cot that depending on where we lived, as it seemed we moved every year, the cot would slide under someone else’s bed or most of the time placed in the corner of another room such as a dining room and at one house, it was placed on the front porch but at least it was closed in! I didn’t sleep well as I was always terrified as to who was going to come into my room that night to hurt me.
One month after my 16th birthday, I was kicked out yet again. This time for good as my parents let me know they were moving to another town and had no room for me. So on my own I got an income based apartment, furniture literally from the trash, 3 jobs and I finished high school.
At age 18 I got married and found a new kind of violence, one that can’t be seen by others. On a daily basis I was told: You’re too fat You’re ugly You’re not smart You are so lucky to have me as no one would want you and 3 girls. The list goes on…I was blamed for losing my first daughter as a stillborn and losing 2 other pregnancies before the birth of my 3 girls. I was choked, threatened, and starved at times.
I was told what to wear, how to wear my hair, what TV I could watch, what music I could listen to and if he didn’t approve, he would break the CD’s or throw them in the trash. I was told what time to go to bed and what friends I could have which was none and he had total control over finances.
I was able to break the cycle with my family by cutting all ties with my 9 other siblings. My parents have passed almost 20 years ago. I divorced my abuser and I got counseling. The biggest lesson I learned was to love myself and know that I am worthy!
I got a college education and started my own companies and became financially independent and really became alive within.
Then after several years of being on my own, I met my husband John. He is the role model to myself and my daughters as to what a man, husband, best friend, father and step father should be. Now after knowing him for over 17 years and being married to him for over 15 years, each day still has its struggles. Through my guilt, shame, insecurities and fears, my husband stands next to me and says we will get through this together. There is no controlling, no abuse, or fear in my marriage. There is just love, compassion and respect for each other. He is patient when I put up the wall to protect myself and continues to just love me
“What would you say to someone who is experiencing domestic violence?”
What I would say to someone who is experiencing domestic violence is it’s not your fault and there is a way out. It is not easy and it is something you have to work at every day. No one ever forgets the abuse but you can move past the shame, guilt and eventually the fear and insecurities. Each day you must remind yourself that you are worthy and deserve happiness.
“What does the word hope mean to me?”
Hope to me is an optimistic state of mind. Knowing that I can and that I have overcome domestic violence and that I can have loving relationships. My hope is that something good comes out of my experiences and makes me a better person and that I can help at least one person with my story. My hope is that all live a life free of domestic violence.