Liz's Story

This is modified from a speech given at a local event:

Before I begin, I want to make sure that everyone here takes care of themselves tonight. My story involves domestic and sexual violence. If you would like to step out now or at any time during my story, please do so to take care of yourself.

By the time I was 25 years old, I had formed a nonprofit with three of my close friends. I had a full-time job, and Bachelor's degrees. I was working summers in Illinois to train teachers, and I had met a man. A man who would change my life forever. 

When I first met this man, he was kind, charming, funny, and did so many romantic things. One of those romantic things was when he took me on a surprise, horse drawn carriage ride and played romantic music on his phone with a bouquet of flowers after I came back Illinois for the summer. 

He proposed to me in front of my family on Christmas Day. He introduced me to his whole family. I spent one night a week praying with his grandmother. I went to church with his family members. I learned how to cook traditional foods on Christmas Eve with his family...and I thought after all my years of dating and finding lots of toads in my dating pool, "okay, this is the right person for me." 

Fast forward to four years later: I was sitting in an office in another state where I lived at the time at a domestic violence organization which is very similar to Harmony House. I was shown this diagram of the wheel of power and control. The diagram shows all of the different ways that abusers strategically erode the humanity of their victims, how they abuse them. At that moment, seeing that diagram for the first time, I wept. And when I wept, I said to the advocate showing it to me, he's doing all of these things to me. And then I knew it was time for me to leave. 

You see, I am a product of our community. I attended K-12 here. I used to participate in local organizations and activities as a child. I graduated from one of our local universities with both my bachelors and masters degrees. Likely, I have passed most of you at some point at the supermarket or somewhere else in our community. I never dreamed I would be a survivor of domestic violence. But I am. And whether you know it or not, you also know many survivors of domestic violence. It can happen to anyone. 

Surely, when I had decided to leave an abusive relationship things should get better, right? I should be closer to safety, to an easier life, to freedom. Right? You see in those years I fast-forwarded between earlier, I had married my abuser and had a child with them. I had moved to another state for a job of my dreams and they came along. When I knew something was wrong, I told my licensed professional counselor that I was scared to go home. She asked me why. I told her I couldn’t sleep at night any more because of what my spouse was doing to me. I told her that no matter what I said or did, if he wanted to have sex with me, I could not say no. I told her that he was raping me. 

She asked me how many times it had happened. I told her I couldn’t keep track. I told her that the more I disagreed with him about anything: what to have for dinner, who to spend time with, how to spend our money, or even to take my infant for routine check ups at the pediatrician, I would be punished. If I was lucky, I might be punished by being locked out of my house with my baby. Remember, I lived in another state and in the summer, the daily temperature was around 100 degrees Fahrenheit. On slightly less lucky days, he would tell me to “bring him his baby,” hold his fist up in the air close to my face with weapons spread around the house. He would torture my cat so when I came home from work I could hear her screams and cries from the dark bathroom he has locked her in while running the shower on her. He threatened to hurt my baby and when I told him I wanted him to stop he would tell me that he was going to "break me" and that I was going to accept that he will do whatever he wants with her. Some days, when I would shower, he would enter the restroom without my consent, enter the shower and urinate all over me. When I asked him to stop, he would laugh and tell me he is like a dog and he is marking his territory. But worst of all were the nights. I once told him while he was raping me “Stop. You are raping me.” He continued to rape me. The next day, I was punished because I told him “Stop. You are raping me.” I was locked out of my bedroom without access to my medicines, hygiene products and clothing for a day. When he would rape me, and I could get away, I would go lock myself in the bathroom. Crying. Bleeding. He would wait outside the door with a sweet voice and say things like “I am so sorry, did I hurt you? Please come out so I can help.” Once I would come out, he would hug me gently while I cried and then tell me very calmly, “You were crying so much that I couldn’t finish. I will need to finish now.” He would then proceed to rape me again.

After disclosing all of this, my counselor told me to go to that domestic violence organization and I did. And I saw that diagram. They told me to make a safety plan, so I did. They told me to hire a lawyer, so I did. They told me to file paperwork for a protective order and divorce, so I did. They told me to file reports with the police, so I did. One officer told me “why didn’t you get a rape kit?” another officer told me “it couldn’t have been that bad if you were married to him for two years.” and another told me “well he seems pretty calm when I talk to him.”

So I did it. I left. That’s where things are supposed to get easier or better, right? That’s when my freedom should be restored to me, right? Pretty quickly, I realized that nothing was easier and my freedom still was not completely my own.

After I left, the hearings in family court began. Each time brought itself a new torture. First, I could not show genuine emotion because if I was scared or upset, he would tell them “see, she is crazy and made all of this up.” Second, I was subjected to many things that I didn’t foresee. Being told I would have to bring my four month old baby to visitation with my abuser because “I chose to have a baby with him.” Having to choose to attend those visitations or not myself because he refused to pay a supervisor. Being told that it really didn’t matter what I could prove in court, no matter what, he would have access to unsupervised overnight visits with my child at three years old, and I just better hope that I have a good enough relationship with my child that when he hurts her, she tells me. 

Let me pause here to tell you a bit about my child. My child is the most amazing girl I have ever met in my life. At 4 months old, my child left the abuser with me. Until she was 15 months old, she had to attend twice a week, 90 minute visitations with our abuser while I supervised. At these visits his behavior with her would range from yelling at her, ignoring her to hit on women, taunting her with toys he would not allow her to have, forcing her to eat and drink when she was too young, restraining her while she was learning to walk, refusing to allow her diaper to be changed and refusing to allow me to nurse her as she was a breastfed baby. Even with all of that, my child today is smart, loving, loyal, creative, caring, funny, and exactly who God made her to be. I am so proud that I get to be her mama. And after all that the court allowed her to endure, she faces her own journey of healing full of challenges. You see, when I left and divorced my abuser, the court wouldn’t allow me to fully protect her from him. Not only that, when the divorce was completed the costs for attorneys, a case study, a nanny to come supervise visits with me, and other court costs totaled somewhere in the tens of thousands of dollars.

Once the divorce was finalized, I moved back here to Southwest Missouri to be close to my family and heal with my child. As soon as I did, I reached out to Harmony House for support. I never stayed in shelter, but I have been a client of Harmony House since the end of 2017. I do not know how I would navigate my life here without their support.

One year later, my abuser began to come here to town and act like he was going to try to take my child and run away. I had to work with the police, and the first time I felt heard by a police officer was when my case manager from Harmony House joined me on the phone with them. They took what I shared seriously and agreed that I needed to enact my safety plan, the one my Harmony House case manager helped me to build. After a year in court, I was able to get sole physical and legal custody of my child, with no contact or visitation with our abuser. However, because I was not married at that time, the court would not allow the abuser to terminate parental rights. This was a heartbreaking acceptance for me - I could not fully protect my child from someone who wished her and me harm. You see, in family court with domestic violence cases, children are more often than not stuck. 

In the time since I moved back to Southwest Missouri, I focused deeply on what healing could mean for me and my beautiful child: I went back to graduate school, I began working again remotely for the organization I worked for before, I attended regular counseling sessions for me and for my child, and I checked in every month, if not more, with my Harmony House case manager. Years later, I met someone while volunteering at a local nonprofit with my child. I never thought that I could get married let alone date again. The man I met became my first and only boyfriend after leaving. He is now my husband. My husband Isaac not only chose to accept and love me after everything I had endured, but he chose my child too. My child sees Isaac as her one and only dad. In order to change my child’s last name and offer her permanent protection from our abuser, we plan to do a stepparent adoption. This can be an expensive and time consuming process. In every conceivable way, Isaac is my child’s dad. That is our reality, and it is wild to have to go to court and beg for our reality. Our journey is not over. I told my child that I will wait to change my legal last name until she can. She asked me why and I told her that I will never abandon her in any way. We will change it together and be united as a family together. I’ll never forget the way she hugged me when I told her that.

Just last year, Isaac, my child and I welcomed a new member to our family: baby Isaac who along with my husband is here tonight. While our days can be filled with so many challenges because of what happened, I know that my family is full of love and healing now because of the consistent support I have had with Harmony House. As hard as my experience was and still is, I am still incredibly privileged in so many ways. Many survivors do not have access to the resources and opportunities I have had. They deserve our support. When our community suffers, all of us suffer too. Supporting Harmony House not only gives assistance to those experiencing domestic violence, but it also makes our community safer.

Today, I volunteer at the Greene County Family Justice Center, or FJC. The FJC is a coalition of local nonprofits and government agencies that support survivors of domestic and sexual violence. One of the partner organizations of the FJC is Harmony House. I cannot imagine the FJC without the partnership of Harmony House. I cannot imagine standing here in front of you today sharing my story without the support of Harmony House. Please remember, as I stand here with you today, that many are looking for a way out of violence and abuse. Harmony House is instrumental in helping so many find that way here in our community