RAKER'S RULES FOR ROMANTICS

Or

How To Know When You Should Get Engaged

When we’re in love with someone our hearts race, we hear the birds sing, we stumble into walls. We’re happy! Then the questions loom, “Where do we go from here? This person brings me such happiness--should we make this a permanent arrangement? I'm so in love with this person--should I marry them?”

     We naturally begin to ask, “Is this the one? Is this whom God wants me to marry? How do I find out if God is saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to this marriage idea?”

     This is the point at which many people will say that you have to look for the person of destiny. They’ll tell you that God has one special person out there waiting for you. Often they point to people in the Old Testament who were directed to their mate by God. Are they right?

     There are a couple of problems with this point of view. First, we really don't see God in the Bible orchestrating everyone’s matrimony. True, God does guide some people in the Bible into their marriage--but these are marriages arranged to preserve the burgeoning line of the Jewish people, or to bring about the birth of Messiah.

     Secondly, the “mate of destiny” view puts an incredible pressure on you to find the “right” person. You’d better find that God-appointed person or the rest of your life is shot! If you don’t find “Mr. or Miss Right” then you’ve missed a major direction of God’s will for your life and you might as well quit now. And what will happen when a couple has a period of difficulty in their marriage? Instead of saying, “I’m covenanted to this person for better and for worse. God has blessed our marriage and we need to seek Him and trust Him to get through this difficult period, “you’re going to end up saying, “Oh, no! I must have married the wrong person!” This “mate of destiny” kind of thinking plants seeds of doubt and can seriously undermine a marriage.

     So, unless you are a patriarch of Israel upon whom the weight of God’s salvation plan rests, you might want to save yourself some unnecessary pressure and give up this “mate destined for me” idea.

     The Bible doesn’t teach us that God has appointed a particular mate for each person who is called to be married (though, again, the Bible does tell us about God’s extraordinary hand in some important marriages.) Rather, the Bible gives us the latitude to marry whom we please within certain simple guidelines--that they are a member of the opposite sex and a fellow believer.

What I Am and Am Not Saying

I am not saying that you shouldn't pray and seek God about your relationship. He still knows better about us than we do ourselves, and He can inform us whether the choices we are making are for our best or not. God should be deeply sought in prayer when considering marriage. What follows are, in essence, some guidelines for your prayers....

     So, all right, here's this wonderful person whom you love and they love you and so it’s time to consider the BIG QUESTION. “Should we get married?” How do you decide? Consider these four hallmarks:

I.  Passion

Once a couple came to me and told me that God had called them together and that they were going to get married. That sounded good except for the fact that this couple didn’t much like each other, let alone have passion for one another. They viewed their upcoming marriage as a sacrifice to God and they were going to grit their teeth and tie the knot. (Fortunately, they did not go through with the wedding.)

     This is a poor view of love. God is a romantic! He is passionate in His nature and He is passionate for His people (like a bridegroom for a bride). Understanding Biblical love has broken the heartache of arranged marriages in many societies.

     A couple should feel a romantic passion for one another. Physical attraction, delighting in one another’s company, butterflies in the stomach, or whatever you want to call it -- these are not bad feelings! The desire to be with and to know the other person better are emotions that should not only be present in a relationship, but should drive a true love relationship between a man and a woman.

     If you don’t think there should be passion in marriage, then consider the Song of Solomon:

BRIDEGROOM: “How beautiful you are, my darling, how beautiful you are! Your eyes are like doves.”

BRIDE: “How handsome you are, my beloved, and so pleasant!” (SoS 1:15-16 NASB)

     Passion should characterize the relationship of a couple considering marriage.

II. Communication

 A fundamental purpose of marriage is that it is a place to be known. When God brought the animals to Adam, God was demonstrating that none of these could really fulfill Adam’s need to be known by another mind and heart. It took the creation of “bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh” for that intimacy of relationship to come about.

     This is a bedrock truth--and there is more.  God is a God who communicates. He speaks. And He seeks dialogue with the apex of His creation made in His image -- human beings. It is only natural, then, that as creatures made in God’s image, much of the intimacy in marriage would be expressed in verbal dialogue.

     A couple considering marriage should feel that they communicate with each other better than anyone else. (That does not mean they should communicate with each other exclusively, but they should desire it primarily.) They find an ease and an understanding with one another that is unique and has the promise for a future that will bring even greater candor.

     A couple that is afraid to talk with each other, share personal thoughts--that don’t laugh at each other’s jokes, that don’t delight in the sound of the other’s voice, and don’t want to pour their hearts out to one another hour upon hour, should have grave reservations about becoming one in marriage.

III. Trust

If you are going to have the kind of communication we’re talking about then you must have a sure trust in one another. As R.C. Sproul has said in his book The Intimate Marriage (Living Books; 1975), marriage is a place of “nakedness”. It is the most important relationship (naturally speaking, outside of our relationship with Jesus) we have--a relationship where we are knowing another and being known by them. If there isn’t trust then that knowing becomes dangerous--and even destructive.

     Trust also has to do with the authority and submission roles of husband and wife. The woman needs to ask herself, “Is this a guy who I can trust to look out for my best interests? Who’s not a tyrant but wants to lay his life down for me as a servant? (Ephesians 5:25) Is this a man I can trust to seek the Lord and the fellowship of other committed Christians?”

     Likewise, the man needs to ask himself, “Is this a woman who respects me? Who will receive my efforts to care for her and encourage her? Would she be a spouse from who I could receive wisdom -- including encouragement and correction?”

     Trust is built upon the principle of servanthood. Servanthood is the practice of regarding another as more important than yourself (Philippians 2:3-5). Love is expressed when you seek to meet another’s needs before your own (Luke 17:7-10). You have a beautiful relationship of trust when two people are each dying to themselves and seeking to serve the other. That’s the only kind of competition that should be present in a loving marriage--the competition of out-doing one another in love. (That will be a fun marriage if that’s happening!)

IV. Vision

Vision is crucial for a healthy marriage. Many couples say, “I don’t know where I’m going but I want to go there with you!”

     Now, obviously, most of us have little clue what our lives will look like 5, 10, 20 years from our wedding day. That’s not exactly what I’m talking about. What I’m after is this: a couple should find that their desires for fundamental areas of life are basically the same.

     One of those areas is lifestyle. This can range over everything from how the household runs, to the number of kids you want, to where are we going to spend our Christmases. It is good to come to some common agreement about these kinds of issues before you get married.

     The area of lifestyle is vital, and tends to get the most attention but it is probably the least important compared to the following two issues.

     A vision for service should be shared by a couple. Can the couple support one another in the ministries and interests they each are drawn to? Some of the interests will be the same--but not necessarily! For example: the husband may feel a desire to get involved in kids ministry. The wife can “amen” that and will do things to help bring that about for him, but she herself is drawn to being a part of the worship team. Is this a problem? Of course not! The issue is not doing all the same things together but, rather, aiding and supporting one another in doing what God has called each to do.

     The third area where there should be common vision between a man and woman considering marriage is church life. The couple should have a common commitment to church and a common vision for what style of church they want to member in.

     Church life is important for the health of a marriage. Marriages, like individuals, were not meant to live in isolation. A couple is strengthened in their marriage by having other significant relationships around them and having a place for ministry, for giving and receiving outside themselves.

     A husband and wife united in their vision for being membered in the church and serving the Lord will be dynamite for the Kingdom of God.

A Final Thought

One last tip: Long courtship, short engagement.

     Take your time deciding if you should get permanently hitched. There’s no hurry and don’t let anyone rush you. Family, friends, even churches can tend to become giant matchmaking societies, trying to get people coupled up and pressuring them to marry. This is one of the top decisions you’ll ever make. It will effect the rest of your life (likely more of it than you’ve lived so far). Don’t let anyone put pressure on you--and don’t put pressure on yourself!

     But when you do decide to get engaged, don’t wait too long to tie the knot. While engagement is not marriage and can be dissolved, engagement is time for serious working toward that wedding day. The decision of who to marry is virtually resolved now. So, it’s full speed ahead into the next phase of your life.

     Of even greater concern -- once you’ve decided to get married it becomes increasingly difficult to reign in those desires to be a married couple. You begin to function like you’re married. And physically it becomes harder and harder to hold yourself for that wedding day. Because you’ve decided you’re ready to go, it’s hard to hold back on entering into all the joys of that commitment.

     So, don’t give yourself unnecessary frustration. Take all the time you need (without stringing the other person along)--but then, once the decision is made, get married!

Conclusion

There are other issues to be considered when a man and a woman contemplate getting married and those will be different from couple to couple. The four areas raised above, however, are Biblical standards that can guide anyone who is contemplating this exciting step in life.

     Marriage is a gift of God to the human race. When we follow the way of life He has given to us, we will find tremendous freedom and fulfillment as the desires of our hearts are matched to the desires of His.

Chris Raker

www.Vertical101.com

Revised from original 11.98 article.

SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY FOR ENGAGEMENT & MARRIAGE

Adams, Jay; Christian Living in the Home; Baker; 1972

Adams, Jay; Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage; P&R; 1980 -- The best book on these topics. Excellent first section on what marriage is.

Adams, Jay; Solving Marriage Problems; P&R; 1983

Allberry, Sam; Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With?; 2020

Mack, Wayne; Your Family God’s Way; P&R; 1991 -- Excellent overall discussion 

Mumford, Bob; Living Happily Ever After; Spire; 1973

Mumford, Bob; “The Renegade Male”; Plumbline article

Sproul, R. C.; The Intimate Marriage; Tyndale; 1986  -- A little dated but still  with good principles.

Tripp, Paul David; What Did You Expect?; Crossway; 2010 -- See above.

Rosenau, Douglas, MD; A Celebration of Sex: A Christian Couple’s Manual; Nelson; 1994. -- Excellent, balanced.

Wheat, Ed, MD; Intended for Pleasure; Revell; 1981 -- Christian manual on sex.