Representationl image / Photograph by Varun Borugadda

To the bone — eat, purge, repeat

Eating disorders are some serious health conditions that impact us both physically and mentally. Shedding light on them is the need of the hour since people suffering from these disorders do not realise their condition and suffer in secrecy for years.

In 2014, I watched an episode of Koffee with Karan, which had Aamir Khan and his wife, Kiran Rao, as guests. I remember Mrs. Rao saying that Mr. Khan has an eating disorder. Then, I had no clue about eating disorders. But unknowingly, I had symptoms that are close to a severe eating disorder, Bulimia Nervosa. People suffering from it will binge eat and later force-vomit or purge out the food they have eaten. This is done because of the fear of getting fat or gaining weight.

As far as my memory goes, I remember being a fat person. I was called 'laddu' and various other names and bullied all my childhood for being overweight. I stayed in a hostel from my 9th standard (in 2007) to my 12th standard (in 2011) During my stay at the hostel, I lost weight. But I was still overweight. I would feel bad about myself for being fat and would almost feel as if I was a sinner for looking like that. I want to admit that I would never say no to good food. But I continuously thought about losing weight and would adopt various methods to reach the optimal BMI.

How did it all start?

By the time I had finished my 12th class and joined my B. Tech program in 2011, I was overweight again since I started staying home. On a Sunday afternoon in 2011, after binge-eating chicken curry and rice, I went to the toilet, and I do not know how I got the thought; maybe the idea came from the guilt I went through for having eaten a lot of food. I forcefully vomited the food I had eaten.

It was a Eureka moment for me; I felt the energy and the power Isaac Newton might have thought on the day he discovered gravity! I can quickly lose weight this way, I said to myself. With the newfound power or technique, I thought I could eat whatever food I liked and still lose weight because I could puke out all I ate. This continued for the next five years. I had joined gyms, would go for a jog at a local park to maintain weight, and succeeded in it too.

Discovery and realisation

But on a not-so-fine evening during the demonetisation period in December 2016, I realized the first side effect of this behavior. I felt a severe headache after a binge-purge session. I had fatigue and felt a burning sensation all over my body. I was lying down on my bed and was thinking of the possible reasons behind this. Then I realised that the same thing had been happening to me for the past few days.

After that, a quick Google search made me understand that frequent purging can lead to dehydration, and I was dehydrated. Two days later, on a train journey, I researched more about it and found that these are the symptoms of severe eating disorders, which are also mental disorders, like Bulimia Nervosa and Anorexia Nervosa.

I panicked after understanding that these can lead to severe problems like an electrolyte imbalance leading to a heart attack and an esophagus tear, which can be fatal. I learned this after I read a few case studies over the internet. People suffering from them tend to keep it a secret. Even I did not reveal it to anyone till I got the idea of writing this piece.

Suffering in secrecy with such a disorder can take away a lot of fun from one's life. People suffering from Bulimia Nervosa continuously think about their body weight, maintaining a perfect body shape, feel social anxiety, and using the binge-and-purge method to lose fat quickly. This is a vicious circle - it just makes you more hungry, and you will eat more after purging.

In 2021, the Ministry of Women and Child Development in response to a Right to Information (RTI) plea mentioned that 18 lakh children in India are severely malnourished. So, you might ask me, in a country that still battles child malnutrition, why does it matter to talk about disorders that affect people who have the means to eat? And this is a fair question too. But I feel no health disorder is lesser than the others. People should get a chance to live life healthily, irrespective of anything.

According to the website of the US-based National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, around 9% of the global population is affected by eating disorders. There is a common misconception that eating disorders affect only women and not men, but in reality, they affect people of all genders and ages equally. Such misconceptions and taboos can discourage the affected people from seeking medical help and they may end up suffering in secrecy, which can be fatal.

I am suspecting that the symptoms that I have are related to Bulimia Nervosa. I am planning to seek professional medical help. Self-diagnosis is risky and I would encourage anyone suspecting that they have an eating disorder to seek professional medical help. You are not alone my friend!

Related Link: Eating disorder recovery is possible. ANAD is here to help.