Bowls Poetry

🎳 An AI Poem on  Indoor Bowls 🎳

In the land of beige and quiet sighs,

 Where fluorescent lights replace the skies,

We gather ‘round a stretch of green—

 The flattest grass you’ve ever seen.

(It’s actually carpet, short and tight,

 To keep the pace "aggressively" light.)

There are no strikes, no pins to crash,

 No thunderous noise or heavy smash.

Instead, we crouch with creaky knees,

Avoiding any sudden sneeze,

And launch a ball that’s not quite round,

 To wobble slowly o’er the ground.

The Physics of the Roll

It’s weighted wrong, or so it seems,

To haunt a bowler’s nightly dreams.

You aim it straight, it hooks to port,

 As if it’s mocking you for sport.

It trickles past the little white jack,

And simply refuses to wander back.

The Grand Finale

The tension builds, the room goes still, (Save for the hum of the heater’s chill).

Will it stay in? Or hit the ditch? The bias is a fickle... witch.

It stops an inch from where it’s due, While the seniors sip their thermos brew.

So here’s to the sport of the gentle hand, The slowest thrill in all the land.

Where "taking grass" isn't a crime, And we’re home in bed by tea-cup time.

(Written using Google Gemini AI Software)

The "Official" Rulebook of the Indoor Green

1. The Law of the "Wrong Bias"

If a player delivers their bowl with the bias on the wrong side, resulting in the bowl migrating toward a neighboring rink like a confused goose, the player must:

• Immediately blame a "rogue draft" from the air conditioning.

• Perform a brief, performative inspection of the bowl’s weighted side as if it has betrayed them personally.

2. The String Measure Protocol

When the gap between two bowls and the jack is less than the width of a digestive biscuit, a "String Measurement" is required.

• The Rule: The player with the worst eyesight must be the one to judge the distance.

• The Penalty: Any player who says "It’s too close to call" must buy the first round of tea.

3. Kneecap Etiquette

Since the average age of the joints in the room often exceeds the age of the building, the following "Knee Rules" apply:

• Any audible "crack" or "pop" during a delivery counts as a bonus point for effort.

• The use of a "Bowling Arm" (the mechanical stick) is permitted, but you must refer to it exclusively as your "Bionic Enhancement."

4. The "Hurry Hard" Prohibition

Unlike Curling, shouting "Harder!" or "Sweep!" at a moving bowl is strictly forbidden. It doesn't make the bowl go faster; it only startles Margaret, who is trying to concentrate on her knitting in the spectator seats.

5. Tactical Tea Breaks

The game shall be paused immediately if the smell of toasted teacakes reaches a 4.0 on the "Oatmeal Intensity Scale." Strategy discussions during this time are limited to:

• Why the carpet feels "faster" than last Tuesday.

• Detailed grievances about the price of stamps.

6. The Victory Lap

In the event of a "Wick" (a lucky deflection off another bowl to land near the jack), the player must apologize profusely while secretly feeling like a tactical genius. No actual laps of the green are allowed—we don’t want anyone pulling a hamstring.