Wisdom
This page is a storehouse of friendly advice and insights from those who have experienced an abrupt departure from headship or a similar role in the independent school world.
This page is under construction.
This page is a storehouse of friendly advice and insights from those who have experienced an abrupt departure from headship or a similar role in the independent school world.
This page is under construction.
You'll be OK.
You will come through this in the end wiser and more understanding as a leader and as a human being.
What if?
Shoulda, coulda, woulda ... it took more than a year for those thoughts to stop coming up for me all the time. I don't worry about that any more.
Take the time to heal.
Go through the stages of grief. Give yourself time for healing. You will be OK in a few weeks and months, but for now, let yourself feel the full range of emotions.
Just step away.
Sometimes the only solution a Board can visualize is a leadership transition -- and when that time comes, don't fight it. Even if you know you could address the problem, once the Board has stopped believing you can -- you probably can't.
What happened?
Work with a friend, coach, or therapist to come up with a true but short and calm answer to "what happened"? Ideally one sentence; three at most. It seems impossible at first, but you can do it.
Find your people.
What helped me was reaching out to other people who had experienced similar situations. Knowing that I was not alone was so affirming and helpful. To know other smart and capable people had been treated equally as inhumanely made me feel not so bad.
It hurts.
I still feel a lot of pain and hurt because I had thought that the members of the board were my friends. I do still have hope for healing and possible reconciliation.
Moving on can be a gift.
I stepped in dog poop, metaphorically, and right now all I can focus on is how to get it off my shoe. But I know that soon it will be time to start walking again. I'm starting to think about where I would love to go.
This will pass.
It's normal to lie awake at three in the morning thinking obsessively about this, for months. Your brain needs to process it. It's normal to swing between fury at the unfairness of it all, and joy at getting away from it all. Ride it out, talk it out, and move on.
Don't worry about stigma.
Board craziness happens enough that there are many schools and school communities that understand it and are able to look past it.
It's not about you.
Schools can reach challenging moments that can only be addressed over time. But Boards want immediate action. A leadership transition feels like the right solution because it feels like action, it provides a scapegoat, and the transition forces the board to slow down and give the new head the time needed to address the challenge
It gets better.
It was a very painful separation. It felt like a punch in the face. Time and space have helped. The impact diminishes with time.
Know your value.
Don’t let what happened to you define you. You should not have to convince people of your value and worth. If they don’t see it then that’s their problem.
Talk about it.
Get support, whether a trusted colleague, coach or therapist. Have a safe place to talk about the grief you are experiencing. I have been reading 'The Grief Recovery Handbook.'
Take on projects.
Give yourself permission to dive into other projects. It takes a lot of mental energy to run a school. Take that same energy and pour it into your life. (Family, hobbies, research, etc) Do the things you couldn't do while being a Head.
Who learned?
You were there for a reason. Either the lesson was for you to learn or for someone else to learn.
For next time.
The most dangerous situation for the relationship between a board and a head is when the Board doesn’t know what they don’t know. Training the board is not just an ideal, it is absolutely an imperative.
Can you add advice here?
All these quotes came from people like you. Send your insights to Deb Dowling.
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