Wisdom
This page is a storehouse of friendly advice and insights from those who have experienced an abrupt departure from headship or a similar role in the independent school world.
If you have insights to add, please send them in.
This page is a storehouse of friendly advice and insights from those who have experienced an abrupt departure from headship or a similar role in the independent school world.
If you have insights to add, please send them in.
You'll be OK.
You will come through this in the end wiser and more understanding as a leader and as a human being.
Take the time to heal.
Go through the stages of grief. Give yourself time for healing. You will be OK in a few weeks and months, but for now, let yourself feel the full range of emotions.
It gets better.
It was a very painful separation. It felt like a punch in the face. Time and space have helped. The impact diminishes with time.
Talk about it.
Get support, whether a trusted colleague, coach or therapist. Have a safe place to talk about the grief you are experiencing. I have been reading 'The Grief Recovery Handbook.'
Just step away.
Sometimes the only solution a Board can visualize is a leadership transition -- and when that time comes, don't fight it. Even if you know you could address the problem, once the Board has stopped believing you can -- you probably can't.
Get a lawyer.
Have a lawyer who works with schools review any termination contract the board asks you to sign. Your intent is to be treated fairly, not to be vindictive. Since they want you to go, they must pay you for an extended period of time and the significant inconvenience they have caused.
Be polite.
Leave with as much dignity as possible, and keep your feelings and observations about the board to yourself. The goal is to land a better job with a more informed and well-educated board, so you will need someone on that board to say that you left with professionalism and class.
What happened?
Work with a friend, coach, or therapist to come up with a true but short and calm answer to "what happened"? Ideally one sentence; three at most. It seems impossible at first, but you can do it.
This will pass.
It's normal to lie awake at three in the morning thinking obsessively about this, for months. Your brain needs to process it. It's normal to swing between fury at the unfairness of it all, and joy at getting away from it all. Ride it out, talk it out, and move on.
Find your people.
What helped me was reaching out to other people who had experienced similar situations. Knowing that I was not alone was so affirming and helpful. To know other smart and capable people had been treated equally as inhumanely made me feel not so bad.
It's not about you.
Some challenging moments can only be addressed over time. But Boards want immediate action. A leadership transition feels like the right solution because it feels like action, it provides a scapegoat, and the transition forces the board to slow down and give the new head the time needed to address the challenge.
Moving on can be a gift.
I stepped in dog poop, metaphorically, and right now all I can focus on is how to get it off my shoe. But I know that soon it will be time to start walking again. I'm starting to think about where I would love to go.
Know your value.
Don’t let what happened to you define you. You should not have to convince people of your value and worth. If they don’t see it then that’s their problem.
Be selfish for a while.
You have probably spent years or decades sacrificing and taking care of everybody else and their families, now focus on yourself and your own family.
Take on projects.
Give yourself permission to dive into other projects. It takes a lot of mental energy to run a school. Take that same energy and pour it into your life. (Family, hobbies, research, etc) Do the things you couldn't do while being a Head.
Don't worry about stigma.
Board craziness happens enough that there are many schools and school communities that understand it and are able to look past it.
Find your motivation
Once you’ve had a chance to reflect and heal, use everything you learned and went through as motivation to do something even more fulfilling. I promise you that the next thing will be better than you ever imagined.
It hurts.
I still feel a lot of pain and hurt because I had thought that the members of the board were my friends. I do still have hope for healing and possible reconciliation.
Who learned?
You were there for a reason. Either the lesson was for you to learn or for someone else to learn.
It's them.
Boards continue to behave badly and the HOS always seems to be the recipient of board misjudgements.
For next time.
The most dangerous situation for the relationship between a board and a head is when the Board doesn’t know what they don’t know. Training the board is not just an ideal, it is absolutely an imperative...
What if?
... Shoulda, coulda, woulda ... it took more than a year for those thoughts to stop coming up for me all the time. I don't worry about that any more.
I got a book of poetry.
From Morgan Harper Nichols:
Perhaps this is the season
To step fully into that beautiful reality
Of what it means to be free:
Brave and adventurous
And ready for the journey
Of learning and growing
Of living and knowing
You do not have to have every answer
To breathe deep and keep going.
Can you add advice here?
All these quotes came from people like you. Send your insights to Deb Dowling.